i will never forgive myself for not trying to mend my relationship with one of my best friends since childhood before she died
i will never forgive myself for not joining on the last phone call she wanted to have with me because i was too nervous to talk to her
i will never forgive myself for not going to her baby shower
i will never forgive myself for not going to her wedding
i will never forgive myself for not trying harder to fix something that could have so easily been fixed. we were good friends.
we had such great times from age 9 to age 22
there were things worth saving
things worth working harder for.
it all hits me like a truck every day the things i could have done to fix it and be a better friend to her.
things i will never get to say to her.
she was the most giggly, smiley , happy person, through her sadness. someone who tried to make the best out of every situation despite the shit she kept having to deal with. and i can never see that again
she was trying to turn herself around. take her life into her own hands, be a better person, be a good mother, be a good wife. she was fucking 21
and now shes gone.
i..
will never forgive myself for not being able to make it to her funeral.
one last thing i could have done for you, that i fucked up.
im sorry, Josie
as i lay here on my driveway at 6AM
i look up at the sky and sing to you, like i have done a hundred times,
"things will be much better, come april or may. Time can be so cruel, but it'll be my friend someday.. There was a lot we didn't say, wasn't there, Josephine?"
i can never forgive myself
for any of the mistakes I've made
but i can own up to them, and try to be a better friend to the people i love.