A thought... Or realisation maybe?
I hung out with my friends last night and that intensely lonely feeling I get when I'm around them came over me again, this has been a fairly recent thing. Some really intense shit went down in my house that day, they knew about it and called about my well being, which was nice, but I just felt bothered by something the entire night.
I wanted to isolate after what happend since that is what I used to do in the past, because of my ptsd I process my emotions weird and often delayed, but I thought going to see my friends would make me feel better. It didn't and I'm conflicted because I'm not sure what I wanted from them or what I was expecting. I don't like people to coddle or overwhlem me with questions of how I'm doing if I'm still processing something.
I think I wanted to be comforted but because in the past I've always isolated myself until I processed how I'm feeling so I could then discuss it without having to be overly emotional or vulnerable, I now don't know how to express how I want people to be there for me or how to seek out the comfort I need when I'm in the middle of processing.
I don't think it's my friends responsibility to make me feel better and me not knowing how to ask for what I need emotionally in that moment is something I need to work on but it made me feel invisible in a space where I've always felt seen.
Also me being the friend people come to when they need comfort, support or advise made it a little extra painful because maybe I just wanted them to make more of an effort. I felt ignored and dismissed which is a rare thing for me in general.
In the end, being there made me feel worse and kinda made me wish I just stayed home but I am proud that I am slowly breaking the pattern of isolating myself when I go through a difficult situation. I'm also proud that I decided to share my vulnerable side a bit more.