(really loved this one. transcript con’t beneath cut. italix is things İ find charming)
(phone ringing)
Hello?
Hi, may I talk to Scott?
This is.
Hi, this is Haywood with Otis Elevators.
OK.
Got some mail returned that we had sent to you.
OK.
Guess you didn't see it? From Otis Elevators?
No.
We had actually sent you a bill. There's a fee associated with our elevators when anyone presses more than four buttons at once. You were on surveillance. There's an 89 dollar fee associated, with that, so that's what we're trying to collect here today.
When was this?
January.
January?
Yes sir.
I don't remember being in an elevator back in January.
It was on Hobby Avenue or Indiana Avenue. One of our buildings there. If you just wanted to do the credit card by phone or a routing number by phone we could satisfy the debt that way.
An elevator over on Hobby Avenue?
Yes sir.
What's the building?
It was a city building. There's an 89 dollar fee. It's just to prevent people from pushing buttons willy-nilly. And elevators are not to be toyed with was the reasoning behind the fee.
What was the date of this?
January 2 through the 12th we were doing a big sweep. So within that 10 day time frame sir. You pushed too many buttons, is the long and short of it.
Yeah, well I'm trying to tell you I don't remember being in a building during that time frame.
We do, okay? It's on vidya. We've even got audio of that elevator ride you took. I'm with Otis Elevators, OK? I've been here-
OK, I don't remember being in an elevator on Indiana Avenue.
-Four years I've been here, OK? We've seen lots and lots of elevators go up and down. And people are pushing too many buttons. It's wearing the things out. This is what you did, and this is what we need: 89 dollars.
I checked the mail everyday and I've never received anything from an Otis Elevator.
Uh-Huh.
You can't even give me a building that I was in that had an elevator.
Well, it got returned to sender sir.
How could it be returned to sender if I never received it?
Well that's the problem. Work it out with your sub-station of your post office. Who knows what else you're not receiving, okay? And then you decide to get in the elevator, go up, go down, whatever you were doing and you pressed in excess of four buttons. It's wearing the thing out double, triple time of what it should be. That's-
The only building that I can ever think of...that is on Indiana Avenue which would have a elevator in it would have been the courthouse in Kankakee.
Oh OK, well then that's uh, 89 times 2...that'd be $198 today. I appreciate your being forthright about this. So just read us the credit number, we'll wipe it out. And in the future just press the one button - boom, we're done.
First of all I'm not going to pay for anything because I haven't seen a bill that says I was there.
OK, well that's between you and the post office sir.
Well no, that's between you and me because you're saying you sent it, I've never seen anything from an Otis Elevator. I'm telling you the only building on Indiana Avenue that would have such a thing is the courthouse and if I'm in an elevator, I'm only pressing one button.
...More like five or six, according to our videotape.
Well, why don't you send me a copy of your video so I can either confirm or deny this?
Because that's private property, it's part of the city.
Well then you send me a fuckin' bill or a picture from your video that says I was there so I can either confirm or deny that I was there. And I'm telling you between the 2nd and the 12th, my ass was sitting in my apartment.
Well there's nothing to deny and we've got audio as well.
OK but see, you're saying you have it - I'm disputing your claim that you have it because I've never seen anything from you.
Oh sir, you were hootin' and hollerin' in this elevator.
I'm hootin and hollerin' in the elevator?
Yessir.
Um...
And that's the reason why we instituted this 89 dollar penalty is to dissuade folks from goin buck wild. OK, so that's the-
First of all, I would not hoot and holler in an elevator. I was raised better than that. Now, can you tell me what I was doing? Obviously you've seen the video.
Oh, you were spinnin' around-
OK...
-The people were goin' buck wild.
Um, no. That's not me.
I've been here four years. I have! I've seen it all. I really have.
I would never do no such thing in an elevator.
Oh there was saliva on the ground. Trust me, there was a lot going on there.
OK, you're making this shit up cause I would not do anything like that.
Sir, we have video. We have audio. I've seen it.
Then show it to me!
Private property. It's city property.
Well then it's my word against yours. Now you say I've done this, I'm hootin' n hollerin', I'm slobbering on the ground...
Yes sir.
I'm telling you I didn't, because between January 2nd and January 12th I was home. Now you can't give me an exact date, all you're giving me is a ten day window. You're not telling me what type of building I'm even in for this to happen. You're telling me all this outlandish stuff which is not me to begin with. So, until I see some proof from you, you're not getting a fucking dime from me!
This is non-compliance... right here, is what this is. And there's a surcharge for that. To the tune of sixty nine additional dollars. We can keep going. It's your call.
And I'm telling you until I see some type of proof to your claims, you're not getting anything from me!
Just read the credit card number and we'll just put it behind us, sound good?
You're not getting a credit card until I get proof, buddy!
I've got the proof right here in my video-
Then you show me the fuckin' proof because all I have is your word that such a thing has happened!
Oh you're just joy ridin', is what you're doin.
During that timeframe, I really didn't leave my house that much unless it was to go get groceries.
Not true.
I have lived in Kankakee for 44 fuckin' years. There is no grocery store on Indiana Avenue.
Sir, can you just read us the routing number, we'll satisfy the debt-
You're not getting anything until I get fucking proof! So stop trying to get me on money on shit that I didn't do!
-Or cash.
What part of "You're not getting a dime until I get proof" do you even understand?
I can send you an MP3 of the audio of you spinnin' around, whoopin' it up, acting inappropriate. But you're not going to like what you hear any more than I did, to be frank.
Hell, burn it on a DVD because I've never received anything from an Otis Elevator.
Burn a DVD? This whole incident is burned into my memory. It's unpleasant.
(laughs) The only thing that would have been unpleasant for you to see of anything me doing in an elevator, would be fucking a woman...Which I haven't done in years. And I wouldn't have done it in Kankakee County because the elevators don't go that far. (???????)
You're out of control. Ya are!
Well apparently I'm out of control on someone who has generated.. probably a pretty good scam to get people to give them their bank account numbers so that they can drain them of their accounts.
A scam? You're buck wild. You're buck wild is what you are. And it's far out.
Well like I said, you're making stuff up because that's not anything I would in an elevator. You're not getting shit until you can generate proof, which I doubt you can do.
Oh, I've got the proof right here in my video machine.
So you say. But like I keep telling you, I've never heard of your company.
We've been in business for one hundred and seventeen years, my good man.
And apparently in 117 years, I'm the worst person that has been in your elevator system.
Again, you read us the routing number, we'll let it go and I'm not going to hold anything against you. That's how big of a guy I am, alright?
Like I said, you show me proof that I did what you said I did in your elevator and you might get some money,.
Oh I'm getting the money, period. There's no two ways about that. Just a matter of if I see you in the courtroom or not. Sir, quit dintzing around the subject and just read the credit card number and the expiration date.
You want a credit card number, here you go: Zero zero zero, zero, zero zero zer- it's all zeroes because you're not getting a fuckin' number! You tell me what building I'm in, and you put screenshots of what the fuck I'm doing. And then I'll take it to my lawyer to see if it's real or not.
Oh it's beyond real, what I'm looking at.
I've never heard of your company so you're gonna try to get my banking information so you can go fund Al Qaeda, or ISIS or whoever the fuck you're funding at this particular moment. I don't know, you could be funding your mom's drug habit, I don't fucking know at this moment. But, until I get all of that, you're not getting a fucking dime. (hangs up)
---
(ring)
Hello?
Uh, yes. This is Ray Ray with Otis Elevators calling sir.
I've never received anything from you and like I said before when you called, you're not going to get anything until I get something. I talked to my lawyer and my lawyer would like to see a copy of this alleged video of me acting like an idiot in an elevator.
It's indecent. For presentation. So just make the check out to Otis Elevator.
No, you're not going to get anything until I get a bill and I get proof.
I'll give you time to get a pen, that's certainly no problem.
No.
No?
Because if you actually were Otis Elevator, you would show up on my caller ID as "Otis Elevator", not "Mummy Napkin".
My notes say: "Buck wild", "Drool" and "Hog wild". What am I supposed to do with that?
Well, [To friend] Hey, have you ever seen me act buck wild, drool and hog wild in an elevator?
[Friend] I don't think we've ever been in an elevator together..
OK, right there your claim is disputed right there. Do you want to try this shit again?
I'm going to put you through to my manager. I can't through to you. You talk to my manager sir.
(phone ringing)
--- (CONNECTED TO A RANDOM INDIVIDUAL)
(Dogs goin' wild, assorted ruckus)
[Manager] Hello? Hold on...Go ahead
What office has a dog screeching in the background?
[Manager] Huh?
Yeah, I'm refuting your claims here because I don't believe you're an actual company. I believe you're trying to scam me out of money.
[Manager] Where are you calling?
Uh, actually you called me.
[Manager] I did?
Yes. Whoever you have there working in your quote unquote office has called me twice, saying that they work for an Otis Elevator company.
[Manager] Yeah it's not me man!
OK, well whoever you have there-
[Manager] It's kind of funny. This isn't an office, it's a residence.
Well you have someone there who has called me twice. And it's popped up "Mummy Napkin" on my caller ID.
[Manager] That's kinda weird man. No, that's not me. It's a residence, I'm telling you that.
I kinda figured it was because the guy was trying to get my information so he could drain my account.
[Manager] No, you need to be careful man.
Alright, thank you for your help.
[Manager] Right on, I wouldn't do that. Later!
Alright, alright.
(hang up)
