first thoughts
so..i have no idea when or from whom i was given the gift of herpes. but its here. i may have had it for about 7 years now..i have this ruff timeline because i know the military would not have accepted me without making mention of it in my service record and offering some sort of treatment. throughout the past 7 years i have thought on a few occasions that i could have hsv2..but it didnt present as such and i was unaware that std panels dont test for it unless you ask..so when i was told “everything came back negative” i didnt know that i wasnt tested for EVERYTHING..i think in the back of my mind i knew there was a strong possibility. but i thought everyone that had it got the severe outbreaks cause thats what tv and health classes taught me
alas here i am with what is my first known outbreak. in the past i believe now in hindsight that i have had several outbreaks over the years and did not know that was the issue. this is possible mainly because of a set of circumstances that has led to the neglect of my reproductive health.
you see i am a trans man and i have had a very sorted history with my genitals my entire life..that has led me to neglect them unless things were really bad. also i have found that for ppl with vaginas (PWV) a yeast infection commonly accompanies and outbreak so that would explain why i thought i was just gettin a couple yeast infections a year..smh i was so glib..lol
this outbreak that started about a week to a week and a half ago was the first time that i actually got a mirror and looked down there..i dont do that much..the dysphoria is a killer but i have been workin on loving this body and so i was brave enough. thats when i saw the blisters. thankfully i have a super understanding and loving girlfriend that accepted me and my glitter [that is the funniest part of this whole thing..i had a good laugh mid crisis about that name for like 15mins] off break.
i dont have a diagnosis yet..im out of the country and not able to access the type of healthcare i need from an understanding doctor. thats where the transgender part screws me..yet again. i have a really hard time trusting new doctors. i had a panic attack when my last doctor told me she was retiring the week before i had top surgery. her replacement is just as nice as she is thankfully. but yeah..new doctors scare the shit out of me..especially since i have had a few bad experiences with medical professionals..ugh.
ill be back home soon enough and able to go into my clinic and see someone that i can trust..im sure my outbreak will be over so ill opt for a blood test. but im sure i have HSV2 i mean herpes has a pretty distinct look so i cant imagine mistakin it for much else. plus i have a few of the symptoms besides the blisters.
my first thoughts were of shame..embarrassment..anger..depression..and that lasted about 30mins..lol..i mean im in the middle of an outbreak and there is no cure..yet..and im in a foreign country..there is no time for me to fall into a state of depression..plus im older now..30..life has beaten to a pulp so many other times that now its like “hmmm what else you got?” i jumped on here and started readin..funny thing is i have a huge jar of coconut oil and a 32oz bottle of Bragg’s Apple Cider Vinegar in my cabinet already..lmao..it pays to be on the natural organic spectrum of life.
i didnt think i would ever accept somethin like this so easily..especially since i have stepped away from a potential relationship over this very thing..herpes..i was younger and dumber and believed what the media/health classes taught me about HSV2..im sure i was already glitterized when i rejected that person..the irony..i feel really bad about it now.
this rambling has gone on far too long..ill end with this. thank you HERPBLR for being here and thank you to all of you that are giving a voice and resources to this demonized community. i didnt know where to turn when i realized i was havin my first known outbreak..but you guys were here. im not ready to be fully out with my status to the world yet..but i am ready to continue on living my life the way i have been..with minor changes to boost my immune system..treat my outbreaks as they come..and keep my partner infection free.
i just wanted to get these thoughts out..vent a little..this outbreak started about a week to a week and a half ago..i realized it was more than a yeast infection monday..and tbh i dont feel any different than i did before i knew..i just feel more aware of my body and this new responsibility
