now i lay me down to sleep - a 7x05 and 7x06 story
I had thought it would be easy to sleep in the tent that night – after a few uncomfortable days on the road, preceded by my brief yet searing stint back at Ticonderoga worrying for my patients and for Jamie, not to mention the stress we’d both felt before the fort was abandoned as our well-reasoned advice fell on deaf ears.
I’d mastered the art of sleeping in a tent, with the low noises of men camped all around me, during the war. My war, to be precise – on the blood-soaked fields of France. Too quickly I’d had to put that habit to use in the months we’d spent camping with Charles Stuart, and then again not too long ago, in those terrible days of the fruitless skirmishes with the Regulators.
So I’d thought that the murmured campfire conversations, and occasional snorting of horses, and all other manner of noises would lull me to sleep this night.
Yet I lay awake. Too tired to sleep.
Mind racing.
Walter’s last breath.
Ian looking at Rachel, as she helped Denny and I bandage a man who had discharged his musket into his foot.
The shape of William’s nose and chin.
Brianna smiling.
I sat up in the bedroll, and swung out my legs from under the blankets.
Jamie’s hand found the small of my back.
Peace.
“When Bree was small and she couldn’t sleep, sometimes she’d get frustrated. So I told her to rest her eyes instead.”
“Hmm. Did that work?”
“Well, it soothed her. I convinced her that laying still with her eyes closed was more restful than not doing so.”
I heard him sit up behind me. Felt his arms wrap around my middle, and his head settle into the curve of my shoulder.
“And if she didnae like what she saw when she closed her eyes?”
I found his hands and squeezed. “I would ask her to think about something she did like.”
He smiled into my neck. “Well then. I just need to keep looking at you, Sassenach. Cannae think of a better way to fall asleep.”
I flushed with pleasure, and turned to kiss him. It was hard to see in the dark, and we fumbled a bit, laughing, and he tasted of happiness.
We broke apart at a whoop from somewhere not too far from the tent.
“Christ,” Jamie whispered. “I’ll need to have a word wi’ Morgan in the morning. Cannae have the men making such a stramash. It will just cause confusion that the Mohawk or others are attacking, and we dinna need that just now.”
“I’m sure he’ll enjoy talking to you about it.”
He didn’t say anything, and let the moment stretch. Still we held each other’s hands, not fully awake, not willing yet to sleep.
“Do you see something you don’t like, when you close your eyes?”
It was always easy to talk in the dark – even with Jamie, who knew me better than anyone had or would.
“Ye ken weel about my nightmares. But before you ask more about it – no, they’re no’ back, or at least any more than they have always come and go.” His thumb traced my silver wedding ring. “I – only – hmm. I need to ask ye something, and as I turn it over in my mind it feels verra foolish to even say out loud.”
I smiled. “Surely you don’t think I’d laugh?”
“Ye have laughed, and ye will keep laughing at me, since the first day we wed, Sassenach. That’s no’ what I keep seeing.” He paused, and I knew there would be lines forming in his brow as he thought what to say.
I gave him as long as he needed.
“Do you think any less of me, Claire, that I couldnae save you myself?”
“What on earth?” My hand found his shoulder. “What’s this?”
I felt his eyes on me. “I came for you at Fort William wi’ nothing but an empty pistol. I found you after that time wi’ the crazy priest who married Fergus and Marsali. I found you in the forest after the Browns had taken you.”
“Yes,” I said patiently. “I remember.”
“So – at Ticonderoga I relied on Ian to find you. And when you were held prisoner by the governor, on that ship in Wilmington harbor – I relied on Tom Christie.”
“Yes.”
His words came all in a rush. “I couldnae save you those times, Claire. I had to ask other men to do it for me.”
My hand shifted to cup his cheek. “Because you were being pragmatic. You’re older than you were at Fort William. You have a lot more to lose.”
“If I lose you, Claire, I lose everything. Do you no’ ken that?”
“And if in so doing you lose yourself – where does that leave me? I’d rather have a dozen men help me get back to you, than you risking yourself to do it.”
He sighed. “I felt I betrayed my vow to you.”
“Nonsense. You kept it, by enlisting others to help me. Were they not happy to do it?”
“They were.”
“Then don’t tell me that’s beside the point. I’m here, with you, because you asked for help. That’s no small thing.”
A beat.
“And don’t you go doubting yourself. Not now. You need to have a steady mind. To shoot your rifle straight.”
He turned his head, and kissed my palm. “I’m daft.”
“You are. But you knew that already, and I knew that already.”
“And yet somehow, you still love me for it.”
“Despite it.”
I leaned in for a kiss. He drew us back down into the bedroll.
“Rest wi’ me, then, until the dawn. Maybe I’ll dream of the lass and her bairns.”
I settled closer against him. “I’ll dream of you and me, back on the Ridge, in a fine new house.”
He kissed my forehead.