#outofspite;

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I HAVE AN INBOX FULL OF PAIN I HAVE REGRETS

@rileymcdaniels IS THE ONLY NICE ONE. @misshoodoolady AND @thingsicarried ARE ASSHOLES

[soulbranded]

i’m not dead

tl;dr: this year has been one of the hardest of my life, and it’s taken everything I had just to keep it together. but stuff is starting to calm down, so i’m trying to get back to the things i enjoy--like RPing. 

for my own sanity, i’m dropping every thread i had previously, but i would LOVE to start new things. if there’s a plot we were pursuing that you want to continue, let’s start a new thread on it. if we haven’t RPed, let’s do the thing. <3

details, if you’re interested, are under the cut.

basically, starting in december, i started getting really sick. My Crohn’s has been untreated since October, and it just started getting worse and worse. I was in the hospital six times between December and February, and in the ER at least once a month every month after that. On top of that, I separated from my husband in February, and we’re getting divorced, which has been a huge stressor. I had falling outs with friends, fights with my ex, my car was wrecked, my identity stolen--i wasn’t kidding when I said this has been one of the worst years of my life. My depression spiraled and I was suicidal for a while, to the point that I was almost hospitalized for it. In June and July I spent six weeks in the hospital. I had surgery on June 21st where they removed 22 inches of my small intestine that was so heavily scarred it was causing me to obstruct. I had complications from the surgery, and after I was released, I developed an abscess in my pelvic floor that put me BACK in the hospital. I’ve been out since July 20 and it seems like I’m in the clear now, but I still can’t work and my ex is being really difficult when it comes to money, so I’m still kind of struggling to keep my head clear. But my depression is a lot better, I’m no longer suicidal, and I’m starting to feel a lot better physically. I think I’m forgetting some things that happened, because it’s all been so much that for a long time i felt like i couldn’t breathe. But it’s important to me that I do the things I like, so I’m trying to get started on here again. It would mean the world to me if you guys still want to write with me, because I’ve really missed being a part of this community. <3 

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ahahahahaha feeling completely fucking worthless and like a horrible human being and super fucking depressed is awesome

it’s too long to get into and i don’t really want to but my life is a fucking mess and i really wish i could either just disappear or become someone else. i do not feel like there is anything good or redeemable about me right now and i don’t deserve comfort or compassion and i’m just uncontrollably fucking up my life. impulses to avoid all this through unhealthy coping mechanisms are strong and i’m not doing them but god knows i want to

this isn’t really asking for people to come comfort me or talk to me. i don’t really want to talk about it. i just want to exist through this bullshit until i can manage to scrape enough composure together to get back to work

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I like broken things. They make me feel at home.

like calls to like (ten word story) -- mine

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Some choice quotes so far (@theseourbodiesrp @betterxvillain @bokorsandbeignets):

“The bathtub looks like a fucking stripper took a dump in it.”  “HIGHWAAAAAY TO THE SWAMP CHOMP ZONE” “Fuck you guys, I’m on sea eagle time.”  “Jess, your token is causing a problem!” “Three smols and a tol. We’re a fucking sitcom.” “AMERICA WHY” “Louisiana you are doin me a concern” “FUCKING TOLL ROADS THO” “OHHH YAASSSS RIGHT THERE, EH?” (said in heavy Canadian accent) That moment when someone on the swamp tour asks why alligators are cold. “I can’t even get animals right anymore, guys, this is a fucking disaster.”  “What the fuck is happening right now? Louisiana is happening right now.”  “BEIGNETS PLEASE” (in a Mona Lisa voice from Parks and Rec)  “The Quarter is trying to give me a fucking aneurysm.”  “What are you in jail for? I intimidated a swamp chomp.” 

[soulbranded]

FUCK PACKING IT’S THE WOOOOOORRRSSSTTT

but i think i’m done. I’m leaving tomorrow to go to New Orleans with @betterxvillain, @bokorsandbeignets, and @theseourbodiesrp. We’ll have wifi and some downtime, so i’ll probably be on here and there. Try to get some drafts done.

I have an entire bag that’s full of nothing but shoes and scarves what the fuck even is my life

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It’s Rachel’s bday! and the first time in 2 years that i’ve remembered to post about it, wheee!!

[soulbranded]

we're awful

Jess: http://sweetheartsnark.tumblr.com/post/134908480485/if-you-leave-i-will-understand-i-will-understand

Jess: here have this bc of reasons

PHOE: JESSICA GODDAMN MACDONALD

PHOE: I AM GIVING YOU NICE THINGS AND YOU ARE TRYING TO DESTROY ME

PHOE: WHY

Jess: PHOENIX SOUL RIPPER BOUDREAU

Jess: BECAUSE

Jess: PHOE

Jess: WHATEVER CHOICES WE MAKE

Jess: WE ALWAYS END UP HERE

PHOE: wow JESS

PHOE: I WAS GOING TO GIVE YOU A FLUFFY SHIP BUT NOW I'M GOING TO BURN IT TO THE GROUND

PHOE: and i'm not even going to tell you which one

Jess: GIVE ME A FLUFFY SHIP

PHOE: you'll just be rolling along in happy ship feelsa ndthen one day

Jess: THAT IS NOT A THING YOU DO

Jess: I KNOW BETTER

Jess: //SATAN//

PHOE: it will all go to shit and then

PHOE: you'll remember this is why

Jess: you realize that we are LITERALLY why we can't have nice things

PHOE: IKR