#outtathisbinary

[outtathisbinary]

I legally filed for my name change!!

Here’s to hoping it’s approved, and there aren’t any hiccups along the way!!

[outtathisbinary]

My guilt over calling my deadname my deadname.

I don’t know how much this is talked about in the trans community. While my situation is moderately specific, perhaps someone could relate to this. First off, I want to say that I’m adopted. At this point in my life, I technically have had three names: the name I’ve picked, the name my adoptive parent’s picked, and the name I was assigned at birth. While I don’t have any qualms with the first name I was given, I don’t have any attachment to it. I was adopted too young. If anything, I dislike the correlation it has to the people I came from.

This isn’t the case when it comes to the name my family gave me. Strangely, I still have a lot of affinity towards it. I don’t know that I would have even found a different name if it wasn’t for the strict gendering of my deadname.

In fact, when I first came out & found my name, I allowed some people to call me by my birth name. I didn’t care, and that may be due to that I’m genderfluid. This hastily became a problem, as people who didn’t really respect my identity would solely use my deadname... Speaking candidly, I’m pretty pronoun indifferent. I don’t feel like I can be due to the same people, who would never affirm my gender with pronouns besides the ones typically used for my assigned sex. Now, I go by my chosen name and they/them pronouns. It’s easiest, and it’s how I’ve ended up feeling the most validated.

This is where I begin to get hung up.   Like I said, I don’t hate my deadname... Truthfully, I like it quite a lot. I think it’s beautiful; if it hadn’t been mine, and I wanted kids, I would love to name a child my own deadname. It makes me think of flowers, sunshine, & regality. It reminds me of really nice things.

In spite of all of this, my deadname has been weaponized against me; I can’t help but feel a sting when I hear it. Because I only go by my chosen name at this point, I know the choice to use my deadname is utterly intentional. If not, it is done without thinking about who I am today... This brings me to another point. Many trans people talk about how they are different from who they were & how the deadname can symbolize the death of their prior person. I don’t feel like that’s exactly the case with me. My past experiences are my experiences today. I didn’t transition and lose my trauma or moments of glee I went through previously. I feel like I’m looking back at a small, rambunctious child’s cishet existence with trans-tinted glasses on. I see things differently than I might have if I were cishet, but I still see myself.

That child, from years ago, may be a distant reminder of a past I’m not living currently, but I still see this past as my own. 

I’m more than able to legally change my name at this point. I’ve contemplated it. At times, I think that if I legally change it, my chosen name would have to be upheld. I wouldn’t face so much deadnaming. I wouldn’t feel like I have to come out in so many places. I could be affirmed in so many ways...

With that being said, what are the problems that I have with my old name? I struggle with the heavy gendering society put on it, making me feel like anyone who calls me that name only sees me as my asab. I don’t think a name has to be assigned to any gender. Names are just mouth sounds we correlate to someone specifically, or maybe multiple people. I don’t think that gender needs to be a part of that equation, even though I know it is.  I don’t hate my old name or past. I don’t think that I have too many problems with either. I don’t think I would have chosen a name if it weren’t for all of the pressure to change it, as well as the “accidental” transphobia. 

I don’t really think my deadname is my deadname. I revisit my past often. I don’t think I could put my past self, name included, in some metaphorical box underground. I don’t think I could dissociate from who I was before I learned who I am; I don’t think I’m that different. I only have a different name and pronouns... 

I still love yellow, summer, and hearing cows moo. I still love sappy romance movies I can cry over because of their drama & tragedy. I still love horror movies. I still get into niche bullshit & overthink too much.  I cherish who I was because that is me.  Now, I assume the question comes down to what makes it worth it. Is changing my name killing the old me? Is it, simply, moving forward? Do I have to move forward? Do I need to move forward, or am I okay to stand stagnant in this journey? How would I deal with the people closest to me, seeing this as killing who they knew?  This is a lot. I guess I don’t need to have the answers now or ever.  Maybe it's not so deep.

[outtathisbinary]

Hey I was wanting to start one of those trans affirmation posts! Just reblog with your name and pronouns for a sentence with them! Usually, you say an affirmation for the person before you and the person afterwards does an affirmation for you!

If anyone would like to give me an affirmation, I’m Elliott & I use they/them pronouns. If not, feel free to reblog it, no affirmation required.

[outtathisbinary]

https://www.the519.org/education-training/training-resources/our-resources/creating-authentic-spaces/being-an-effective-trans-ally

Being An Effective Trans Ally. Being an ally is important. It lets everyone around you know that you are supportive and attentive to the nee

[outtathisbinary]

Hey everyone! Just wanted to say that you’re valid to me, and I love you.

I’m having a bit of a rough day with my own gender and sexuality, and I just thought I’d remind you that you’re not alone, but you are loved & valid.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

[outtathisbinary]

June 12th, 2016

Never forget. 

Stanley Almodovar III, 23 years old

Amanda L. Alvear, 25 years old

Oscar A. Aracena Montero, 26 years old

Rodolfo Ayala Ayala, 33 years old

Antonio Davon Brown, 29 years old

Darryl Roman Burt II, 29 years old

Angel Candelario-Padro, 28 years old

Juan Chavez Martinez, 25 years old

Luis Daniel Conde, 39 years old

Cory James Connell, 21 years old

Tevin Eugene Crosby, 25 years old

Deonka Deidra Drayton, 32 years old

Simón Adrian Carrillo Fernández, 31 years old

Leroy Valentin Fernandez, 25 years old

Mercedez Marisol Flores, 26 years old

Peter Ommy Gonzalez Cruz, 22 years old

Juan Ramon Guerrero, 22 years old

Paul Terrell Henry, 41 years old

Frank Hernandez, 27 years old

Miguel Angel Honorato, 30 years old

Javier Jorge Reyes, 40 years old

Jason Benjamin Josaphat, 19 years old

Eddie Jamoldroy Justice, 30 years old

Anthony Luis Laureano Disla, 25 years old

Christopher Andrew Leinonen, 32 years old

Alejandro Barrios Martinez, 21 years old

Brenda Marquez McCool, 49 years old

Gilberto R. Silva Menendez, 25 years old

Kimberly Jean Morris, 37 years old

Akyra Monet Murray, 18 years old

Luis Omar Ocasio Capo, 20 years old

Geraldo A. Ortiz Jimenez, 25 years old

Eric Ivan Ortiz-Rivera, 36 years old

Joel Rayon Paniagua, 32 years old

Jean Carlos Mendez Perez, 35 years old

Enrique L. Rios, Jr., 25 years old

Jean Carlos Nieves Rodríguez, 27 years old

Xavier Emmanuel Serrano-Rosado, 35 years old

Christopher Joseph Sanfeliz, 24 years old

Yilmary Rodríguez Solivan, 24 years old

Edward Sotomayor Jr., 34 years old

Shane Evan Tomlinson, 33 years old

Martin Benitez Torres, 33 years old

Jonathan A. Camuy Vega, 24 years old

Juan Pablo Rivera Velázquez, 37 years old

Luis Sergio Vielma, 22 years old

Franky Jimmy DeJesus Velázquez, 50 years old

Luis Daniel Wilson-Leon, 37 years old

Jerald Arthur Wright, 31 years old

[outtathisbinary]

I made a checklist for the main things I personally need someone to agree with to be an ally! Feel free to reblog with additions.

[outtathisbinary]

Transmasculine? what?

okay so when I started this page, I identified as bigender(fluid? it was a mess then too) I’d still say I’m bigender, but I think I’m transmasculine? Based on the definitions I saw, it means that an afab person identifies more so with masculinity or as a male than with feminine or as a female.

I’ve been questioning a lot, and although these labels feel right for me, I wanted to know what all of you think. I just don’t want to identify as transmasculine if that label is reserved for trans guys only.