i like this show in a cool ironic detached intellectual way btw
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i like this show in a cool ironic detached intellectual way btw
The creature
GIVE HIM A BREAK
Bereft, a hucklerobby married AU
robby gives his email to an MS1 who seems promising. he never thought that student would turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to him. 12k words, smut warning, sorry not sorry, i love this fic.
Robby had a husband he didn't like talking about.
Ok, that sounded wrong. He loved talking about him. He talked about him to Abbot when they were getting drinks on their day off, he mentioned him at the grocery store when the cashier was doing the fake small talk about the ingredients he was buying, and he brought up his concerns at the vet when he was the one taking the cat in for check-ups. Janey even knew about him and he was going to tell Jake soon. But he didn't talk about him at work.
He wore a ring on the same chain as his Star of David, so it wasn't even like he was hiding. It was almost concerning the lack of observational skills his department had because it had been a year and it didn't seem like anyone had noticed anything. Robby started bringing meal-prepped lunches for God's sake. If that didn't scream ‘I moved in with someone that cares about me,’ then he didn’t know what did.
Robby didn't talk about his husband because there were some... judgment-worthy aspects of their relationship. Robby had gotten over the initial hangups he had about everything, but he knew his coworkers; he knew the way gossip went through hospitals like MRSA.
Robby was 25 years older than his husband. And most days, he was fine with that. In fact, he probably liked it more than any well-adjusted man would. His arrested development didn't seem to cause such an issue in this relationship for the first time ever in his adult life.
He also met the kid when he was lecturing his MS1 cohort, but Robby actually didn't really talk about that.
Post-COVID, Robby was a little lost. He never thought he would ascend to Chief of Emergency Medicine at such a young age. He thought he would know enough to save someone as important as Adamson was to him.
Robby threw himself into his job and Gloria wanted him to participate in research, so he got together with a large university to put his staff into the research pool of a study on the long-term effects of the pandemic on healthcare workers. It was self-reported but anonymous and voluntary, so Robby was hopeful people weren’t bullshitting him.
Somewhere in between all of the chaos of stitching the ER back together and everything becoming normal somehow, he had become an advocate of sorts for mental health support for emergency staff. It was ironic because Robby was basically a suicide risk and refused to talk about it with anyone, but maybe he could help himself by helping others.
Robby started his stupid seminars shortly after. He knew enough professors and sometimes universities even reached out to him to speak to their students.
Robby’s life changed at a voluntary seminar, not even for extra credit. Between professional ethics, embryology, and pharmacology 1, people didn’t really give a shit about it. But Dennis did. He switched his major because of the pandemic. He wanted to help because of everything people like Robby did.
Only four people showed up and Robby brought enough cookies for at least a dozen (he usually offered free food at these things, remembering being dirt poor). Robby wasn’t expecting a rager, but it was frankly disappointing, the lack of curiosity for the practicalities of practicing medicine.
But Dennis was in the front row, writing down the resources Robby highlighted, doing the breathing techniques with him. Nibbling on the cookies Robby made from his bubbe’s recipe. Still freckled from the summer, too scared to ask questions in front of the few people there.
He had gathered up the courage to approach Robby afterwards, though. Told Robby he admired him.
“I just really respect all of the work you guys did, even when we knew nothing about the virus and its long-term effects. I-um, you’re kinda incredible for getting through it, honestly.” The student, Dennis, awkwardly chuckled and held onto his beat-up backpack. Man, this kid is so sincere, Robby thought. Maybe he did get through it. Maybe he was on the other side of it all. Dennis seemed to think so.
Robby cleared his throat, not used to this type of earnestness outside of the ED. “I actually really appreciate that.” Robby reached into his bag for a business card. He didn't really even think about it at the time. “My email is on that. Feel free to ask me any questions you have about rotations or specialties. Or the study. Or really anything about coping with this career.” Robby made a flicker of eye contact before he went back to packing his bag again. They were the only ones left in the auditorium and it made their conversation seem so loud. Almost important.
“Thank you. I really appreciate you coming out on your night off.” Dennis looked around at the empty auditorium, “Even if my classmates weren't smart enough to take advantage of the opportunity.”
Robby huffed out a polite laugh. The joke wasn't even really a joke but Robby appreciated the pleasantry. It felt civilized in a way that a lot of his interactions couldn’t be. Not rushed or stand-offish. Easy. “I’m serious, you should email me if you ever want to talk about anything medical. I’m always up for some mentorship.”
“I’ll do that, Dr. Robinavitch.”
“Please, just call me Robby, especially if you're going to email me.”
“Will do! I’ll let you pack up and head out.” Dennis walked up the stairs and before he got to the door, he called out, “Thank you, Dr. Robby.”
Robby chuckled at the respect he had in his voice. He didn’t really deserve it, but it felt nice all the same.
And what do you know, the preliminary findings of the year one summary of the longitudinal study came out and nobody else seemed to care except for the student who had followed up with Robby a couple of weeks after that seminar. They talked about the methodology and Robby’s responsibilities for impartial data collection. There were some interesting data points on relationships between healthcare workers and non-healthcare workers being strained compared to both partners being healthcare workers, who seemed to report no additional strain in a statistically significant way.
Of course, Robby responded. Interest in the kids’ classes and professors seemed to be just the kind thing to do. You listen to my boring intervals and I listen to your woes with genetics. Robby had been the one to open the door to personal lives when he told an unflattering story about Dennis’s least favorite professor, but really, Dr. Glover was in no position to chastise any student for being hungover.
Midterms ended and Dennis came back to the regular correspondence after dropping off from it and Robby felt a curious relief. He mentioned having to buckle down on a class to ace a final to keep his 4.0 and Robby stupidly invited him to meet for coffee to talk it through, arguing he would be a better study buddy than another student who was probably equally confused. Dennis foolishly agreed.
They talked a little about the class but Dennis wasn't as turned around as he seemed to think he was. He was smart and intuitive. He would be a good doctor. A small ego with a big brain.
Dennis was the one who said they should do it again in two weeks. Robby knows it's cliché to blame the younger partner for the relationship escalating but it's true. The day Dennis didn't have classes or a test happened to be a day Robby had a shift, so coffee was off the table. Robby suggested a 24-hour diner between the hospital and the university.
“They have great burgers,” he said after Dennis had gotten there and greeted him. This time, the student didn't even pretend to take out his textbooks before he started asking the attending about his shift. Robby was happy to talk about it with someone. He hadn't had someone to debrief the day with that wasn't a co-worker in a long time. Dennis was fun because he understood all the medical jargon. Also, because he was cute and sweet and funny. Robby begged himself not to go there.
Then he ordered a strawberry milkshake without a cherry and extra whipped cream and Robby somehow melted. It was incidental that it was his Bubbe’s order. She would call him a sap for thinking she sent him. Robby thought it anyway.
They scheduled another dinner at the diner for the same day the next week. Neither mentioned the fact that this was supposed to be bi-weekly. They both knew what it was when the waitress didn't offer to split the bill and just handed the check to Robby.
Dennis talked more on the next date. He came from a religious family in rural Nebraska. He was going to get a theology degree and go back to his home church but he found passion in a required chemistry class, of all places. Robby didn't mention the incredible fact that chemistry classes were often where people's dreams of medicine went to die.
“It just all made more sense. Instead of asking all these questions that you couldn't possibly know the answers to about stuff that happened 2,000 years ago, these questions were being answered in the present every day. It was more fulfilling than I thought it would be. Also, my professor was really good and told me that I could help people the way I wanted to and honor my own strengths. I think she knew I wasn’t doing it for myself, y’know?”
“She sounds awesome. I’m glad you switched. She’s right, you can help people with those same skills that would’ve made you a good pastor or whatever you would’ve been. I’m Jewish so I don’t really know the ins and outs of that stuff.”
Dennis laughed a little self-deprecatingly, “I don't even think I would’ve been that good of a pastor. Certainly not for the church I grew up in...” He was looking down at his milkshake that Robby could barely stomach glancing at. “I realized I was gay the first year of undergrad and turns out that's not really welcome in Broken Bow yet. And telling everyone that I wasn't going to be a pastor and was in fact going to be queer doctor was kinda a lot for them.”
There was something unspoken between them. Dennis didn’t say he was on his own now but Robby just somehow knew it. Fuck this kid's family.
“I think it's brave to know who you are and live that, even when it’s inconvenient.” Robby took a big breath, hoping he was reading this right, “I grew up during the AIDS crisis. I was coming into the field just as the stigma was barely starting to lessen. I remember when anti-retrovirals were first becoming available and it seemed like the world was opening up.” Robby looked down to swirl his coffee. “I was bisexual, I guess I still am, I don’t know why I put it that way. But it just seemed easier to date women. I married one. I don’t regret that, but I do regret not taking a part of myself seriously because I wasn’t brave enough to.”
“Are you still married? You don’t wear a ring.”
“I’m not.”
“Oh, ok, good.”
Robby looked up. “Good?”
“Not that you got divorced, just...” Dennis looked nervous again like that time he approached him after the lecture. “Um, forget I said that, I didn’t mean anything by it.” He forced a chuckle.
And damn this all to hell. Robby doesn't even believe in that but he might as well come to terms with going there.
“No, you meant something by it. And I don't mind it.”
Dennis was stirring his milkshake, just to have something to do. “You don’t?”
“I’m going to be really clear because this is a little ambiguous for my tastes.” Robby finally caught Dennis’s eye. “I think you’re intimating that you’re into me and I would like to say in the most respectful way a man in his forties can tell a twenty-something that I am interested in you in a way that is beyond professional curiosity, so...”
Denni’s eyes got a little wide, eyebrows shooting up. “Wow, I wasn't really expecting that.”
The non-response had Robby questioning his instincts, “Did I read that wrong?”
“No! I'm like ridiculously into you! That's embarrassing I just said that but I just didn't think it was reciprocated in any way.” He nervously smiled. He was blushing a little, too.
Robby grinned a little. “I’m pretty...infatuated...with you. I know it's a little weird because of the age gap but I think you’re smart and funny. I was kinda hoping you would bring it up first.”
“I was trying to, I didn't know how without knowing if you were into guys, though.”
“It’s not really something I have a ton of experience with but I’m hoping you’ll give me a shot.”
Dennis smiled back. “I’m more than willing to.”
It was blissful.
Dennis and him kept their standing date but they also spent weekend mornings walking around the city, trying out coffee shops and going into stores Robby never considered before. He had lived in Pittsburgh a long time but Dennis was helping him rediscover it all over again. Dennis helped him discover a lot of things.
Instead of spending late nights in the library, Dennis would come over to Robby’s townhouse. Dennis tried not to seem as impressed as he was after living in student accommodations with twenty-year-olds for so long. Robby tried not to betray how much he loved impressing the younger man by just being a competent adult. A participation trophy for living long enough, he supposed.
They didn't try anything for a long time, despite Dennis sleeping over probably once a week, but it turns out Dennis was just as inexperienced as Robby. He never quite got around to anything besides some makeouts and heavy petting between the stress of school and keeping his scholarships. Also, Dennis sheepishly admitted, he’s ‘just not that into college boys.’ And, God, is Robby happy about that.
When it does happen, after Dennis’s finals for his second semester had gone well, it’s more than either of them was expecting.
Robby was expecting fumbling, out-of-sync attempts to intensify. He should’ve known nothing with Dennis would be anything besides steady.
Dennis woke up in Robby’s bed after passing out post-homemade dinner. Robby’s sauce was to die for, apparently. Without the stress of classes, he was focusing on other things when his mind woke up. Focusing on how Robby’s breath was on the back of his neck, how the man was just so big, how his hand had pushed up his shirt in his sleep to touch his solar plexus. And, yeah, Dennis was a sexually repressed 24-year-old; he was getting hard in Robby’s boxers that he had taken as his however long ago.
He tried to stay still about it. Hoping it would go away because he didn’t want to pressure the older man into anything. He had waited this long and was more than willing to wait longer if it meant Robby was ready. He knew he had reservations about a lot of things. The age gap, Dennis being a student, Dennis being a man, even if Robby wouldn’t ever say that out loud. Dennis wasn't offended by any of it. He knew how Robby grew up; he understood the man so deeply that it was hard to think anything uncharitable about him.
And his high opinion of the man he was wearing as a backpack was not helping his situation at all. The more he thought about how much he respected him, maybe loved him, even if that was scary to admit, the more his erection became unbearable.
Robby naturally woke up early and he and Dennis fell asleep early last night. Dennis needed the sleep, and Robby liked being there when he drifted off. It was an intimacy he hadn't had the pleasure of sharing with someone for years. So when he woke up and the golden light was coming through his sheer curtains, he squeezed Dennis into him. He just liked the man so much. Loved, the voice in his head said.
Robbys hand went to the man's lower stomach to get as much contact as possible and Dennis made this noise. Somewhere between a huff and a whine. As soon as it came out, he shoved his face into the pillow underneath him and said, “Oh my God, I’m so sorry.”
His ears were burning with an embarrassed flush and it took a second for Robby’s brain to go online enough to realize the predicament. He laughed a little into the back of the man's neck. “What’s going on over there?”
“I just woke up and was already keyed up. I can just ignore it, though, we don't have to do anything about it.”
“Do you want to ignore it?’ It was said in an amused but serious way.
Dennis thought for a second, waiting for the hesitation to come. He had his own hang-ups around intimacy. Mainly surrounding insecurities about his body or inexperience. But the bad feelings just didn’t come. Dennis knew Robby. Knew the man was kind deep down, no matter how many bad things tried to threaten that. He knew he was safe in his arms. There were no reasons not to. He could only think of pros, no cons.
“No, I don't really want to ignore it, but I would rather you be comfortable.”
“Well, I’m very comfortable with doing something about it.” Dennis was practically panting. Robby’s thumb on his stomach started moving back and forth, which would be comforting if he hadn't been aroused for who knows how long. “Ok?”
“Ok, yeah. I really want to.” His voice was already all breathy. This was not going to take long.
That made Robby feel so good. He wasn't any more experienced with men, but he was very comfortable being in control. “You are going to have to turn over and look at me, though.”
Dennis’s stomach swooped at the easy teasing tone. He took a big breath to brace himself but he wasn't prepared for what he saw when he turned around. Robby’s beard was not laid down like it usually was when he up properly. He had bed head, and his breath was probably stale, but Dennis was grossly attracted to him so he never smelled bad to him. His eyes were the truly changed part. They were lustful and discerning. Absorbing all the details of Dennis’s body and face. Cataloguing for a response.
Robby looked at Dennis’s slightly embarrassed but desperate state and asked, “Ok?”
“Yes! I just don’t really know what to do.” Dennis was so good at being honest.
Robby gave him an encouraging smile and moved his hand to hold Dennis’s. “I don’t really know what I’m doing either. We aren't going to go all the way or anything, but I think I’d like to get my mouth on you if that sounds good.”
Why did he say that so nicely? Like offering to give his car a jump or something.
Dennis opened his mouth a little and nodded dumbly. Robby did that teasing chuckle thing that Dennis was equally humiliated and turned on by. They would have to visit that later.
“I’ll take care of you, don’t worry,” Robby promised. And Dennis believed him.
Robby started by kissing his mouth, not too differently from how he usually would. Maybe a little more insistent and...wet. But then he moved to kissing his cheek and his neck and his earlobe. Then he pushed Dennis’s shoulder that wasn't on the bed down until he was on his back and repeated with the other side, but this time he sucked. Dennis was moaning now; he thought he would be able to hold it back, at least for this part, but Robby had never done this before with this intensity. His hands were rucking up Dennis’s shirt (it was Robby’s but that was irrelevant). They were warm and big but so gentle. Robby pulled back a little to check in with the younger man but he could only see pleasure on his face so he continued.
Dennis was breathing heavily and when Robby was kissing his chest, he started breathing even heavier. Robby slid the man's shirt off him. “You’re incredible.” He had muscle tone from doing manual labor growing up and Robby loved it.
Dennis tried to talk but Robby moved his face down and licked one of his nipples and he forgot what he was even going to say. Dennis had never even touched that part of himself in that way ever but he guessed he liked it a lot? Dennis was making noises he'd rather not think about but Robby was just too good to him.
Robby’s hand went to that lower part of his stomach. The part he touched this morning that kick-started all of this. He stopped kissing, licking, and sucking, and looked at Dennis. Letting him clear his head for a second before asking, “Is it good if I touch you here?” The older man’s hand was hovering above Dennis’s bulge.
“Yes! Absolutely, please?” Robby just grinned and Dennis knew he was so fucked.
He did it over the boxers first, mostly just cupping him. It was so intense already, Dennis wondered what his mouth was going to feel like.
Then, Robby sort of grinded or rubbed his hand, Dennis couldn’t decide because his brain was kinda slipping out of his ears or something.
Robby pulled the boxers down a little after Dennis reacted so well. “I’m going to get you out of these and touch you for real.”
And Dennis was so gone that he said, “Thank you.” He was just polite to the core, Robby guessed. It was so cute and sweet, also hot. Robby moaned a little, grinding down a little into the side of Dennis’s hip. Dennis was happy that Robby seemed to be enjoying this too.
Dennis moved his legs to get them all the way off until he was naked. Robby took a second to take his shirt off to keep it even and Robby shirtless was always so distracting to Dennis. He had strong pecs and arms and hair. He was such a man and Dennis didn't know if he had ever been more attracted to anything. Real or imagined.
Robby was kissing down Dennis’s chest, down to his stomach and he moved his hand from the younger man's muscular thighs to the place he wanted it most. Dennis was unprepared for how overwhelming the feeling of someone else's touch was after all this buildup. He moaned loudly enough that Robby was thankful for the thick brick between him and his neighbors. He stroked him a couple of times, just to get him fully ready for what Robby had been thinking about for longer than he’d like to admit.
He moved his lips from Dennis’s stomach and had them hover over his pubic bone, eyes looking up for effect, yes, but also consent. Robby would never want to take something Dennis wasn’t offering. Dennis was already watching and nodded at the nonverbal question. That was really all Robby needed.
He put his tongue out to taste it. He was curious after all this time. It was kind of salty but mostly neutral. Dennis had showered before bed last night. He smelled like Robby’s soap, which did something to the older man. Robby felt like a horny teenager.
Dennis couldn’t look at Robby anymore if he wanted this to take the amount of time it probably should. But not looking meant being surprised when Robby started licking wide, wet strokes of his tongue. Dennis was gasping but that was better than yelling so he would take it. Dennis put one hand in Robby’s hair for moral support and couldn't resist looking back down again. If it went fast, it went fast. This certainly wouldn’t be the last time this was happening.
He looked down in time to see Robby put his tip in his mouth and hollow out his cheeks and that got Dennis moaning loud again. He was fighting not to arch off the bed and do something very rude.
Robby wasn't prepared to deep throat the guy or anything, but he didn't think he would have to. This seemed to be enough, possibly too much for him. A sick part of Robby loved how overwhelmed he was. How he was writhing and biting his lips to keep from being too loud. It made him suck harder and add his hand to the part below his lips. Then he moved his mouth up and down in conjunction with his hand. His other hand went on Dennis’s hip when it became apparent the man was going to be unable to hold back from thrusting without a little help. The hand stilling him ratched up the passion for both of them. Dennis pulled his hair accidentally, Robby grunted a little and it sent a current up Dennis’s whole body.
Before long, Dennis pulled a little more on Robby’s hair and whined, “I’m going to come.” He put his head back on the pillow. “I-It’s going to happen in your mouth if you don't pull off.” Robby doubled down on his pace. That and the thought of finishing in his mouth is what did Dennis in, truly. He was no match for that. He had honestly lasted longer than he could have hoped for.
Dennis' toes flexed then curled. He put both hands in Robby’s hair and closed his eyes. One day he’ll keep them open to watch this part.
And Robby kept his mouth there and kept sucking. He swallowed what Dennis gave him, not liking the taste as much as he liked the feeling of Dennis coming undone in his mouth. It went on for longer than what Robby was used to and he was almost jealous of the intensity. But also proud to have treated his boy so well.
He released him when Dennis let go of his hair and started whining again. Some day, Robby would fully take advantage of sharing a bed with a twenty-four-year-old but today was not that day.
The older man went back to his place on his side by Dennis. Giving him little pecks on his cheek and neck as he came down a little. Dennis was panting like he ran here from campus so it took a second for him to calm down.
“So, I’m guessing you liked it?”
Dennis opened one eye to glare but it was not effective when he was still red and out of breath. “I hate you.”
“No, you don’t, you love me.” It kinda just slipped out. A natural response that would not have been even worth paying attention to in any other situation except for this.
Robby was about to apologize for bringing it up when Dennis said, “I do.” He had a kinda dopey smile. One that could be explained by the earth-shattering orgasm if it wasn't the one Robby had seen on him when he had him try the sauce for seasoning or when he massaged his shoulders after studying for too long. The smile with the crinkled eyes he's been seeing for a long time. The one Robby now wears, too.
“You do?” Robby knew but it was still a little unbelievable.
“Yeah, I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“Yay, we love each other!”
Robby laughed a little to keep from tearing up. This man meant so much to him in ways he couldn't even fathom.
“We do.” They looked at each other for another moment before Dennis saw that lust come back to Robby’s face.
He found the strength and coordination to go back to lying on his side. The younger man pressed his body, head to toe, to Robby, feeling that he was still hard. “Can I help you out with that?”
“You don’t have to. Watching you was enough.”
“I want to. I want you to feel good too.” The little minx tilted his chin towards his chest to somehow still look up at Robby through his eyelashes, even though they were lying face-to-face. “I want to make you feel good.” Dennis’s hand started caressing his waist and chest. Just touching aimlessly and if it were anyone else, it would just be intimate but with Dennis, it felt sensual.
They were kissing again. But this time they loved each other. Out loud. It was different, somehow.
“Oh, Denny.” Robby moaned between interlockings.
“Denny?”
“Shut up.” He muttered.
Dennis, now the one with the teasing laugh, “I’m trying to but you're making up nicknames for me.”
Robby didn’t think it would be like this. Didn’t know it could feel like this. Like he could hold someone while feeling held himself. Dennis may be younger but it felt like Robby’s life was starting right here.
Dennis’s hand skimmed down his body in a way that made him shiver. He twirled the patch of hair on his lower belly a little before reaching into Robby’s Pirates’ sweatpants.
He just held him for a moment, memorizing, but it felt like taunting to the older man. He hadn't wanted to rush something like this in a while. Hadn’t wanted to take his time with someone either. The warring impulses were debated by both his body and brain. Both wanting to prolong and delay for equally good reasons. Robby let the younger man decide for him. Taking what was given.
Robby resumed their kiss. Dennis started pumping after a second. He was dripping already so there was little resistance. He breathed out, long and steady. God, what was this kid doing to him? Hands had no right to feel this good. This lewd.
Dennis had little finesse, it was fine, though. Robby couldn’t imagine how he would act if Dennis were even better at this than he already was. The feeling of a simple jerk off was already almost too much. Robby had been hard ever since that noise Dennis made and the emotional component of the ‘I love you’ had Robby nearly dazed. Robby understood now that, in the back of his mind, he thought he would never find this again. Thought this part of him was locked away. Thought he fucked up enough to not deserve something like this ever again. Someone like Dennis, who was attractive, loyal, and tender. Robby didn’t know who he saved to put this kind of luck onto him, but he was thankful for it, nevertheless.
Robby was the one panting now. Their foreheads were touching, just sharing each other's air. They looked into each other’s eyes, deep understanding and attraction flowing freely.
Robby didn’t say anything, didn’t feel like he had to. His breath started to hitch and he was grunting and gasping. His release came suddenly; Dennis didn't even take him out of his pants properly. Robby put his face in Dennis’s neck, not hiding, though. Never hiding from Dennis. Basking. Holding. Loving.
They stayed there a moment, until Robby was properly soft. Feeling the large expanses of skin pressed against each other.
“You should call me Michael.”
Dennis giggled like it was a silly statement. “Why? Nobody calls you that.”
“Exactly. Only you should call me that.” Robby kissed his neck softly. “Not all the time but I think it would be nice. Nobody’s called me that for a while.” Not since the last of his family had passed.
Dennis recognized it for what it was. A declaration of love. A loaded gun handed to him that both of them knew he would never use. “Yeah, Michael’s good.” Dennis tucked his head under Robby’s chin.
After a while, the sweat stopped feeling good. “Shower?” Robby asked.
“Together? I’ve never done that before.” Dennis’s fingers were circling the stupid sun tattoo Robby had gotten when he was 20. The one he had been careful to put far up enough so that you couldn’t see it in scrubs. The one that only a couple of people knew about.
Robby selfishly loved that he was so many of Dennis’s firsts. “It’s nice, I’ll wash your hair.”
“Yeah, that sounds good.” It was.
Everything between them was good.
Dennis took two accelerated summer classes, a light load for a med student; he worked two days a week as a research assistant. He also studied for his USMLE. He didn’t exactly have the summer off, but it was still pretty restful, especially because he and Robby decided to just move in together.
Dennis was going to stay on campus over the summer in his regular accommodation arranged through the university. He had already paid for it out of his loans for the summer semester but he spent enough time at Robby’s that it just made more sense to keep all his shit over there. Robby also liked coming home to someone. It made him actually leave when he was supposed to instead of skulking around the building, hoping he would be needed before he had to go because he was crashing.
Robby liked planning weekly meals with Dennis. They ate out twice a week but shared cooking and cleaning evenly. Dennis made midwestern comfort food that filled Robby with warmth after harsh shifts and Robby made old-school European food. Growing up in Pittsburgh, Robby was used to pierogies and matzah ball soup, things Dennis had never tried until Robby. Dennis didn’t like borscht, but nobody’s perfect.
Summers were always busy in the ER; people were outside more. They were trying things they hadn't done in a year after sitting on a couch for months. It was usually a recipe for disaster. But no matter how disastrous a shift, Robby could come home to something simple.
Summer ended and fall came. Dennis became busier but he still made time for Robby. Robby had never felt like such a priority. Not since his grandmother.
The student loved having someone there to take over life when things got hard. When he had to study for so long that he forgot to eat and a sandwich magically appeared. Robby paired his socks because it was his least favorite thing to do in the world and he was nice like that.
They didn’t fight or get jealous or resentful. They talked honestly about insecurities and boundaries. Robby explained his PTSD. He didn’t like to call it that, but Dennis made the phrase seem less scary and final and more like a tool. Dennis had never seen a relationship like this. Full of compromise but neither settling. Forgiveness without strings attached or dangling swords. He liked to think that if his mother would just meet Robby, give him a chance, watch how they interacted, maybe she would understand why he chose this. Dennis cared less about that rejection, now, though. Robby was starting to feel like family in a way Dennis had never felt before.
Dennis finished the first semester of his second year. He was doing well, better than he ever expected himself to. It helped that he had the chief of emergency medicine in his ear. Dennis had his first Chanukkah. They shared their first Christmas. Robby didn't usually do much; it wasn't culturally relevant to him. In fact, he usually volunteered to work that day. He always thought people with families deserved the day off. It was better that he worked with the electric turkey carver injuries than someone else with people at home. He requested off that year, to the raised eyebrows of a few. Whatever, he didn’t have to explain himself.
It was a snowy night in January when Robby came home late. There was a pile-up with a semi. Black ice was his enemy. A whole family didn’t make it, nobody was wearing seatbelts and their bodies became projectiles. It was a shift that a previous iteration of Robby would probably have gone up to the roof about. Maybe would’ve gone to a bar for harder stuff than just beers in the park. Abbot was getting suspicious about Robby’s unusually steady mental health. He would have to introduce them before long. Dennis was just too important for nobody to know about.
Dennis’s classes were cancelled, the snow was bad enough that the university didn’t want the liability of people walking on their sidewalks. He was making chicken noodle soup. The kind you start a couple of hours before, a whole chicken boiling with carrots, celery, onion, and the nice fresh herbs Robby liked to keep under a grow light in his spare bedroom. Dennis was starting to feel like a real adult, not a boy trying to play one.
Robby walked in an hour and a half later than he should’ve. Other partners he’s had would’ve been resentful. They cooked a nice meal and would’ve had to eat it alone. Not Dennis. He waited for him. He kept it warm on the stove for an hour and waited to boil the pasta. He was sympathetic because he knew Robby wouldn’t stay unless it was the worst day of someone's life. He had never been understood like that.
Robby didn’t even take off his winter coat before hugging him. Needing to find that solace he was worringly becoming dependent on. Needing people was hard because when you lost them, you were bereft. He didn’t want to lose Dennis.
“Marry me?” Robby asked without thinking. It should feel wrong or embarrassing but Robby was somehow sure and confident. He should have gotten down on one knee but he wanted to hug the man still.
Dennis was still holding him so nothing could be too terrible. “What did you say?” He knew he had heard it correctly but was giving him an out. So considerate but so not needed.
Robby reluctantly pulled back, keeping his hands on his shoulders.
“Marry me?” Dennis was a little stunned, not expecting this to go there. “I should’ve probably gotten you a ring and planned something, God knows you deserve it, but I want you. Forever. If you’ll have me. So...Marry me?” Robby felt hot, maybe from the flush or his coat being on inside. Maybe from just the abject warmth this man inspired within him.
Robby had snow melting off his shoulders from the short walk from his car to the kitchen. En Media Res. Dennis' fingers smelled like garlic and thyme. Robby smelled like hospital.
“Yes, absolutely.” He didn’t have to think about it at all. Dennis has lucked out. Hit a home run the first time he took up a bat. Now he just had to run through the bases he had already taken.
They kissed, closed mouths, then went back to holding each other. It wasn't really something they discussed before but they both knew the other was it. Why prolong the in between when they were both so sure?
“Do I get healthcare now?”
Robby laughed for the first time in hours. Dennis was his favorite person ever. “Yes, Denny, you can get health care now. Although you should’ve enrolled at the start of the semester like I told you.”
“I know, I just kept putting it off and then the window had closed.”
“Well, when we're married, I can be in charge of all that stuff and you can do whatever you want.”
Dennis gave him a private, soft smile, “We’re getting married!”
“I have to tell Abbot if we're getting married. Probably HR too, ugh.”
“Don’t say ugh about us getting married.”
“It was ugh about HR, maybe Gloria.”
“Man, what are we going to do about rotations? You're going to be, like, my boss.”
Robby hummed non-comitally. “We just have to get married soon, I guess. If we come into it with a pre-existing relationship, it’s less messy and we have more protection. Besides, you’ll be directly reporting to a resident most of the time anyway.”
“You just want to lock me down quick, be honest.”
Robby laughed again, “I do.”
Robby is in a suspiciously good mood for the next couple of shifts. He’d apparently gotten a cat? It was assumed to be a midlife crisis. He’d been in a suspiciously good mood the last couple of months, if anyone was honest. No one wanted to mess with the delicate balance of it all. No questions were allowed to throw off this new regulation he seemed to have found. He was eating lunch with vegetables! And drinking liquids besides coffee.
When it was a shift change with a hand-off to Abbot, Robby nodded towards the stairwell. An unspoken signal that meant ‘roof?’
Abbot got nervous, Robby hadn’t wanted to initiate a roof talk in a while. What could’ve gone down?
They took the elevator up to the highest floor they could, then took the utility stairs for the rest. Robby made sure to put the rock in between the door and the jam, not wanting to have to call someone to let them back in, which had happened twice before.
They went over to the railings; it was too cold to be up here for long in just the hoodies they both wore inside the hospital. Robby didn’t beat around the bush. “I’m engaged.” He had a goofy smile. Jack would undoubtedly tease him for it later.
Jack made an appraising sound, “Should’ve guessed. You’ve been too normal recently. I think I caught you humming on your way out a couple of weeks ago.” Yeah, that was probably true. “Who’s the lucky gal?”
Robby stopped smiling as big and looked out at the skyline. He wasn't ashamed but he couldn’t shake the feeling that it was something shocking. That he had been lying by omission this whole time. Abbot wasn't even like that, Robby knew, but it seemed big. “It’s actually not a girl. It's a guy.”
Abbot absorbed for a second and then did an annoying whistle. Why is this guy his best friend?
“Ok...Who’s the guy?”
Robby took a beat; the vulnerability was already making his hands sweat a little. “It's kinda complicated, he-he’s younger.”
“It’s not Langdon, is it? I thought he was married.”
“What? Why would it be Langdon?”
“Come on, he not your type or something?” Abbot could only ever take death seriously. Robby should’ve just told Dana. “How much younger, is he, like, 30?”
A wind gust blew and it cut through both their jackets. “No, he’s 24, he’ll be 25 next month.” Robby had been secretly planning a nice dinner with a real proposal. Rings and flowers, the whole nine yards.
“Ha, never struck you for a cradle robber but whatever works for you.”
That frustrated Robby. “It’s not like that. He’s smart and good for me. Better to me than anyone else ever has been.”
Sensing the defensiveness, Jack patted Robby’s arm that rested on the railing. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. This is a big deal, I’m glad you told me.”
Jack knew how to diffuse Robby, knew when he was taking it too far. “It’s Ok, I know how it looks.” Robby’s breath was visible. “I really like him, Jack. Love him. I’m done with pretending like he’s not the most important thing in my life.”
“...Wow. I didn’t think anything would ever become more important than this job. I’m happy for you.” Abbot started rubbing his palms together. “I’d love to stay out here freezing my balls off so you can wax poetic about your boyfriend but I have a shift to run. We good?”
“Fiance,” Robby corrected. “And, yeah, we’re good.”
Robby left the hospital after that. He drove that morning. He’s been driving in more recently. Not wanting or needing to waste time walking to decompress.
Dennis started his rotations. Family medicine was first. Dennis was finally getting a taste of the rest of his life. He loved it. Robby was deliriously happy for him. He had a couple of weeks in an elective psych rotation towards the end of the semester, where his soft voice and understanding really shone. Robby couldn’t be prouder.
His surgery rotation was next. At PTMC. He got a couple of weeks off and then he was going to spend 12 weeks there. Them working in the same hospital raised some questions between them. Mainly about what they should do with the HR situation.
“We should just get married while I’m out of school. You said that gives us protection, right?” Dennis grabbed the orange juice out of the refrigerator like he didn’t just plan a wedding.
Robby was burning eggs because of the suggestion. This is what Dennis must’ve felt when he proposed to him out of the blue. There was a warmth in Robby’s chest. They were equally antsy to be together forever.
“Are you sure? That's a big step.”
Dennis knew he was just asking for his benefit. Robby was obviously ready to go to the courthouse this afternoon.
Dennis didn’t have to think about it. He never had to think about whether he wanted to spend eternity with Robby. Even if he only liked the juice with no pulp. “Yes. Sure, I want to protect us both professionally but I also really want to be your husband.” The last part sounded so emphatic. The stable, sure tone was a far cry from the student who was afraid to approach him almost two years ago.
Screw the eggs. Robby turned around and went to the table where Dennis was. “I want to be your husband more than just about anything, Denny.” The openness was something Robby would’ve regretted two years ago. But there was never a vulnerability hangover with Dennis.
“I think Jack would kill us if he wasn't our witness.” The two laughed. They were always laughing about something. Together.
Turns out they didn’t even need a witness if they were just going to the courthouse. They went the next day but still invited Jack, who actually liked Dennis. More importantly, he liked who Robby was around Dennis. He made jokes about their age gap and how they got together but it was fine because he understood them. How they fit together in the ways all successful couples do. Jack remembers how that felt. The mutual gravitational pull you feel from the beginning when you're just that compatible with someone.
They had a short honeymoon in Tionesta, just three days, it was all Robby could swing with such short notice but Jack helped cover him. Robby used to come up here with his grandfather. He had a trailer with no running water or electricity. Robby liked the Airbnb Dennis found more.
Robby scheduled a meeting with Gloria and requested that an HR representative be present. Gloria was obviously befuddled by the request, usually having to accost the Doctor into conversations. She was just hoping he wasn't resigning for whatever reason. The ED needed him.
She welcomed him into her office and introduced the HR rep. “What would you like to talk about, Dr. Robinavitch? I hope everything is well.” As she was sitting down, Robby could tell she was nervous.
Robby was nervous too. “I-um-I need to update my personnel file. I recently got married and would like to change my emergency contact.”
Gloria looked a little too shocked. Like Robby finding a spouse was impossible. Whatever.
“Well, I’m very happy for you. I didn’t even know you were engaged.” She seemed a little confused. “I’m not sure we needed an in-person meeting for this, though. You can update that information in the employee portal.” Subtly saying, why would you waste my time on this?
Robby, always a fan of ripping the band-aid off, replied with, “My spouse is a medical student with an incoming rotation at the hospital. Surgery, actually. I figured I should disclose the relationship in case there was any overlap.”
The HR rep, Hannah, stopped writing her notes for a moment. Robby knew what she was thinking.
Gloria also paused for a moment. “This is a little...unusual, I’m sure you know.” Gloria looked up, as if trying to recall whatever policy the hospital had.
“We met outside of work,” kinda, “and I have fulfilled my obligation by disclosing the relationship to the hospital. My spouse will disclose it to the school. I will recuse myself from any evaluations when the emergency rotation comes around here in the next year and I will make sure to remain professional on the floor. My staff doesn’t even know I’m in a relationship so it’s not like I’ll be showing any obvious favoritism.” Hannah made note of the supposed plan.
“You’ve thought this all out, it seems.”
“It’s important to us that our reputations remain respectable and I wouldn’t want people to think there was any funny business.”
“Well, of course, your wife is welcome in this hospital. I will have to consult with the head of HR and our counsel before I can make any promises about her being able to work the same shifts as you. She may have to take nights under Shen or Abbot, depending on the level of supervision you're determined to have over her.”
Here we go. Robby didn’t want to do the whole coming out thing but he wasn’t ashamed of anything. “Not wife.” Gloria was back to the confused face. “I’m married to a man. My husband, Dennis Whitaker, is the one who will be doing the rotation.”
Hannah stopped writing for a moment again; she had a terrible poker face. Gloria was wide-eyed, a little unprofessional if Robby had anything to say about it.
“I apologize for the presumption. I hope you know that makes no difference in how we proceed.”
Robby smiled a little at his ability to throw her off. “I wasn’t expecting anything for being queer, Gloria. If that's all the information you required for my disclosure, then I’ll be on my way.”
Gloria gave him a polite smile. “Yep! I will have Hannah send you a summary of our conversation for posterity. You will have to state whether you agree or disagree that it was a correct summary of events. We will also send you a form that we request all employees who engage in romantic relationships to fill out, absolving the hospital of liability.”
“Great!” Robby stood up from the too-nice chair. A public hospital shouldn’t have office furniture this nice.“I’d appreciate it if this stayed between us; my staff doesn’t know I’m in a relationship and I’d rather keep it all separate for as long as possible.”
“Of course, this is all confidential and privileged. Let me walk you out.” They shook hands at the door and before he walked out of her reception area, Gloria called out a sincere “Congrats, doctor!” He was a pain in her ass but she wanted the man to be happy.
Robby didn’t really see Dennis at the hospital during his surgery rotation. He was mostly on scheduled surgeries and their day usually began at six AM, meaning Dennis was out the door before five on most days. Robby was finding out he was kind of a suck up and liked to be the type of student who was there first. Dennis liked it just fine; he wasn’t going to haul off and get a general surgery residency but he enjoyed helping people, no matter how boring the fifteenth lumpectomy is.
Dennis completed most of his core rotations. Obstetrics had been fun but Whitaker didn’t feel a connection to it. The last required rotation before he got to move onto more electives was emergency. The one he had been dreading and anticipating.
He thought that he would like the pace, the broad scope of it all, and new challenges every hour. He wanted to see Robby work. He had yet to see his brilliance in action. He wasn’t looking forward to having to pretend to meet his own husband. The date he started just made it all the harder. Dennis never got the privilege of meeting Robby’s mentor but he wished Dr. Adamson could see Robby now. An even-keeled man who was capable of taking care of others and himself. A man who had found someone who could take care of him, too.
Them being so steady didn’t mean Robby’s PTSD went away. There were days he felt stuck. Like he never left that room with the happy painted animals. Sometimes Dennis would find him staring into nothing and he always knew he was somewhere else in his head. Dennis used techniques he learned in a physical therapy module, where he guided Robby down and massaged his back and neck, then guided him through the breathing exercises Robby taught him that first time they met each other. It didn’t make the memories go away but it grounded the older man until he came back to his body a little more. At first, Robby had been embarrassed and ashamed by his symptoms but Dennis assured him it wasn’t a failure. He pushed through something horrific and that made him stronger, not weaker. If Dennis believed that, Robby would start trying to.
They left home together but Dennis let Robby run up ahead. He liked to show up a little early for the shift change. Catch Abbot for the rundown.
Robby was glad he did because Abbot needed some air and Robby wanted to be there for him. He felt bad that he got so wrapped up in his happy relationship that he started to pull back from his best friend. It wasn't intentional but it was just hard to invite him over for the game when Dennis’s stuff was everywhere. Robby didn’t want to go out as much anymore, either. Now that Jack knew, it was getting back to normal again.
They rode down the elevator together when Abbot felt a little better.
“The new interns and students start today.” It wasn’t something to smile about but Robby couldn’t help it. Dennis was starting his rotation today and it was exciting. “Don’t be so obvious. I bet you guys tell on yourselves before noon.”
“Not here.” Robby was self-conscious as they got to the center of the first floor. He wasn’t too confident in his ability to hide it either but it was just an eight-week rotation. They had both agreed that if Dennis matched somewhere in the PTMC, they would be public. Maybe they wouldn’t make a big announcement but they wouldn’t go out of their way to hide it. They would drive in together if their schedules aligned and find each other on their breaks if it wasn't too busy. They would be like all the other couples that worked there.
It was interesting for Dennis to finally have a setting for all the stories Robby tells. Faces to names. He was asking questions he knew the answers to just to seem like an uninitiated student. It was time for rounds and the chaos became real.
There were almost immediately two traumas admitted. It moved faster than Dennis could have predicted and it made him feel unsure of himself. It was one thing to hear retellings and another to live it.
Langdon was funny; he could see why he was Robby’s go-to guy. They had a similar dry humor. Collins was complicated. Dennis knew that she and Robby were together for a little bit. Robby maintains that they were never compatible. It was more that he thought his life would turn out different and the idea of settling down with a beautiful, smart, female doctor seemed to be what he should have been doing at the time. Then the pandemic happened and you need a lot more than expectations to keep a relationship going when under that amount of stress. It was a little awkward between them because Collins was still a touch resentful of the way Robby pulled back before their relationship fully ended but it was firmly in the past for both of them. Robby knew he wasn’t good to her, especially now when he had Dennis to compare it to.
Javadi passing out was a harbinger of doom. Nobody was prepared for what the day would bring.
Dennis messed up a transfer in front of Robby, which was mildly humiliating. Robby was so over his head already that he could barely offer sympathy. He shouldn’t have worked this day, but he wanted to be there for his husband. Robby should’ve known he wouldn’t be of any help on the anniversary.
The student knew he was being perceived as an overwhelmed rube, which wasn’t that far off. Maybe he just got used to being around Robby as his husband, who was always so attentive and uplifting. He never thought about how he would feel personally when Robby treated him just as any other student. He wasn’t entitled to special privilege or concern, however. In fact, they had an obligation to avoid anything that could be seen as such.
He started to feel like he was finding a rhythm, starting to connect with patients. He and Robby even grabbed a small moment to talk about Mr. Milton. He was the only one not freaked out by the rats, which gave him a little bit of confidence. Robby and him chuckled about it across the room from each other. He thought his finger getting messed up was the worst thing that would happen that day.
Dennis lost his first patient. He had gotten through all his other rotations without facing that. It was hard to accept, even for someone who grew up on a farm, desensitized to death.
It was torture to watch Dennis helplessly code someone who was already gone. Robby couldn’t stick around and watch the whole thing. He was too busy and already too tempted to scoop him up in a hug and take him away from this place. Shift abandonment would surely have Gloria make good on her promise to fire him.
When Robby came back to check, Dennis was still doing compressions, and he finally had to call it. Robby went a little overboard with trying to reassure Whitaker that there was nothing he could have done differently. That it was just a tough break that could’ve happened to any of them.
“He liked Kentucky bourbon.”
“Good, me too.” Dennis already knew that.
“He seemed nice. He was married.” Dennis’s voice trailed off at that fact. And that made more sense. Dennis was seeing Robby in this patient. An older man who liked the same drink left a widow behind.
Kiara offered support that she knew no one would take her up on. They had their moment of silence before Robby dismissed them. The two of them hung back together. Robby tried to give the standard speech he gave to any struggling student or resident. He almost made it through the whole thing before the sad look in Dennis’s eyes just made him melt. He had to touch him. He wanted to make it all better but he couldn’t.
Dennis was aware this would be out of character for the Dr. Robby everyone here knew. The emotionally closed-off man who was only close with a select people he had known for years. He certainly wasn’t touchy with students he had known for two hours. Dennis gave him a look when he went for a second touch and then they fumbled their way out of the bay.
Robby knew it was ridiculous to add another task to Dana’s plate, but he had to ask her to watch out for Whitaker. He felt called out when Dana asked, “You think this kid has game?” Robby wanted to defend him, say he was brilliant, but he had no way of saying that without giving everything away.
Then Myrna called him fruit cake and it didn’t make him feel any less obvious about his gay relationship he was hiding.
Dennis’s first scrub change of the day came and went.
Dennis got pissed on and had to change again. He wasn't sure he even wanted to tell Robby about this at the end of the day.
Robby had to say goodbye to a father in the same room where he lost Adamson in.
Dennis got blood all over him from blister guy and had to change again. And Robby saw. Dennis needed to stop being attached to the idea of seeming attractive to his attending. That was a different man from his husband.
Except, his attending wouldn’t touch him nearly as much on his first day. Or take his notepad like he bought it (he did, but no one needed to know that).
Another change was needed. And Robby intubated in a really hot way. Dennis shouldn’t think that way, but he did.
Things progressed like that all day. There were moments Dennis felt like he was doing well, then other moments where he felt like he was floundering. He even got some applause for killing a rat and Robby looked so proud. Dennis was happy to take something off his plate, for once. He should’ve known something terrible would happen.
Pittfest. Active shooter. Jake. Poor Robby. Dana got assaulted? Where’s Langdon? Collins? Dennis didn’t even have time to do a check-in before Dr. Robby had to spring into motion. He was completely dissociating now, Dennis could tell, and was probably the only one who truly saw how bad it was. There was nothing either of them could do about it, though. Not here and certainly not now.
Abbot came in early, thank God. He accidentally patted Dennis on the shoulder, as if he knew him, but no one questioned the familiarity. There was too much going on to think of anything else. It blurs in the middle. Just a slog of blood and mistakes. It all feels meaningless but of too much weight. Dennis can’t think about his husband right now. Can’t watch as he breaks his own rules to save who he presumes is Jake’s girlfriend. He was going to tell Jake about them, finally, over basketball, but that wasn't going to happen soon. Dennis is just looking for a blanket when he finds Robby crumpled in the Pedes room. It was the worst he’d ever seen him.
Dennis closed the curtain the best he could, but with them going down to six inches above the floor, there was only so much coverage. Robby was praying in a voice Dennis had never heard, trying to hide his face from everyone but most of all Dennis. Dennis thought he was some ER bad ass and the veneer was crumbling.
Secrecy be damned, Dennis thought. He joined his husband on the floor.
“You have to go. They need you out there.” I need you to not see me like this went unspoken.
“We need you out there.” Dennis breathed for what felt like the first time in an hour and a half. “I need you out there, Michael.” They weren’t doctors here. Not attending and student. They were just two traumatized people who needed the other to keep going. “Ok, come on. Give me your hand.”
“I can’t, Denny.” Robby couldn’t even look at him. It was Dennis’s first day and he couldn’t save him. Couldn’t protect him from anything.
Dennis grabbed Robby’s shoulder. “You have to, because if you don’t, I’m fucked.” That made Robby look up, almost incredulous at the audacity to tell him that right now. Dennis stood up and gave Robby his hand, the one that had held his so many times. Robby latched onto it like he was a man drowning. Dennis helped him up with those gentle, strong hands of his. They lingered too long and Robby had to pull away. He needed to get his shit together and feeling safe enough to fall apart in Dennis’s arms would be a problem.
Dennis looked helplessly at Robby, like he was coding in front of him and couldn’t do anything. He got the message when Robby started doing his breathing techniques. He was working on it the best he could. He needed to be alone to put his mask back on. Dennis would let him fall apart later. “I’ll see you out there, Robby.”
Santos said something that made Dennis nervous about her seeing their exchange but who really cared? Nobody would listen to another rumor made up by her anyway.
Robby emerged and subtly let Whitaker know he was back. Whitaker would’ve noticed when he heard Robby yelling at Gloria. Maybe they’d be able to take that vacation after all.
Dr. Robby floated around the hospital until he was told there were no more victims coming in. He put on his hoodie to feel a little less exposed. Like he hadn’t broken down in front of the staff that was supposed to respect him after this.
Jesus, Robby had all these loose ends to tie up still. Janey...
“He’s kind of blaming me for not saving her.” Robby must look as broken as he feels because she grabs his hands for the first time in years. She says some things that don’t really penetrate and Robby can’t deal with it. He doesn’t need her comfort. Jake did. He has Dana lead her to Jake.
A kid has pneumonia. Measles. He has to call the county. Will this day never end?
Robby loses it. Again. This time in anger. Dennis shows up at just the right time. They can’t go somewhere private to talk, so Robby touches him in a way he hopes looks professional, fraternal at worst. There are some questions, but mostly sympathy. Dennis says a bible verse for the first time in a long time.
“My husband once told me that you learn to live with it, learn to accept it, and find balance if you can.”
Robby smiles a real smile. A private one he's not sure this hospital has ever seen. He stuffed his hands in his pockets to keep himself from collapsing into him. “He seems like a smart guy.”
“He’s the smartest guy I know. Strongest too. Sometimes he’s really stubborn, but I love him a lot.” I still believe in you, goes unsaid.
Dr. Robby has to rush in to fix another mess. He fucks up and brings a parent to the morgue to coax consent. He is an asshole.
Langdon is just another thorn in his side after being his favorite resident for so long. Another loss that just accumulates on this cursed day. He asked him not to report it and tried to make it all Ok for himself. Robby knew he was selfish, sometimes a bit arrogant, but he didn’t know it was to this extent.
“Someone saw you two in Pedes,” was Langdon's last card to play.
“What?”
“With Whitaker. A night shift nurse saw you two on the floor. Said it looked like-”
Robby approached Langdon aggressively. He nearly pushed his chest like they were at some bar and not doctors at a hospital. “Looked like what?” Robby dared him to say it. “Looked like what?” He asked louder. “This job will fuck you up if you let it. You. Let. It.” Robby’s simmering anger was pouring over. He needed to walk away before he copped an assault charge. Langdon looked like the litigious type.
“Yeah? I wasn’t the one holding my male student's hand in Pedes.” Robby had never heard his resident's voice like that. Desperate and mean.
“Fuck you, man.” It came out more hurt than he meant it. He never expected Langdon to be the one to go low about that first. He thought he would be someone who was happy for him. It turned out Langdon is the type of guy who’s only happy for other people if he’s doing better. Robby walked into the ER with his shoulders by his ears. He was looking for Dennis passively. When he doesn’t catch his eye, he feels bereft. People look to him to make decisions that he doesn’t have the bandwidth to make. He wants to go home. Or to the roof.
He tries to ask Dana if she heard anything about his breakdown. Or his inappropriate relationship with a med student, but she doesn’t give anything up.
Robby gives an emotional debrief. It felt hollow. He tried to get a handle on his emotions. Jake dismisses him one more time and it's more than he can sit there and take. He’s the one who tells Leah's parents. He wasn't as warm as he usually is but he feels like a sponge that just has too much liquid in it. He can’t pick anything else up. For the first time in a while, he wants to be alone. He goes up to the roof.
Abbot finds him first. Tries to talk him off the ledge. Distract him by teasing him.
“I broke, I shut down the moment everybody needed me the most.”
“For what? Forty seconds? Three minutes? Ten minutes? So fucking what? That is what happens when you're in a war and nothing makes sense.”
Robby turned around and put his elbows on the railing. “Dennis saw me. And I wasn’t very nice to him today. And I probably ruined it because I can never save anything!” He yelled the last part as he brought his fist down to hit the railing. It reverberated and shook with the force.
Abbot hadn’t seen Robby like this in a while. Not since he met Dennis. “Don’t do that to yourself. The kid’s gone on you. You couldn’t fuck that up if you tried.” He sounded so adamant. “He doesn’t need saving either. He lasted on his own for years while being pre-med, graduated from college, and got into med school, all without your help. He wants you. There’s a big difference between want and need.”
“He’s not going to want me after what he just saw. I choked. I’m not who he thought I was. I’m not who anybody thinks I am.” He huffed out a mean laugh.
Abbot, a romantic under it all, said, “I think you should let him speak for himself. I texted him that you were on the roof right before I came out here.” Abbot chuckled a little at his next thought, “My bet is he’s running up those stairs right now. I’ll go as far to say he couldn’t even wait for the elevators.”
Robby kept his head down. No one was coming to save him. Not like that. He wasn’t the guy that someone ran through a crowd for. He wasn’t the man who inspired that kind of devotion. He was the one who gave it until he was so pathetic you didn’t want it anymore.
But there Dennis was. Out of breath from the stairs. Still in his too-tight scrubs. Bereft. Searching for Robby when Robby had been so difficult all day.
Jack put his hand on Robby’s shoulder and said, “Go get your boy. I didn’t even give him instructions to get up here.”
Robby should’ve said goodbye to Abbot. Should’ve thanked him for keeping it all together when Robby couldn’t. But Robby had no words left besides, “Denny.”
“Let’s go home.” Robby walked over and leaned on him. His small frame had no business holding them both up, but it did. “Take me home, Michael.”
They didn’t care if people saw them walk out together after the day they had. Everything was so busy still, no one would even notice if they slipped out the patient entrance and walked off together. When they got a street away, they held hands. It was too close to the hospital but they couldn’t care less. They weren't going to waste time not holding each other because of the consequences, not on a night like tonight at least. Robby had always tried to be strong. Brave. Turns out he just needed someone to help. Someone like Dennis.
the response to the little blurb i posted about the thoughts I had on this was so amazing that i had to actually follow through. i was expecting something close to my usual 5k words that i usually end up at but this fic just had so much going for it. idk if i've ever had something flow out of me the way this did. thanks for all the support for this blog, i love this fandom lol.
favourite straight people trope: cool interesting girl falls in love with the Devil. examples:
Realized today that my top 3 have this theme in common.
EDIT: This has been blowing up for months and shows no signs of stopping. I don't have a SoundCloud, so: Free Palestine!
EDIT 2: Over 10k notes for a joke that I thought of at work, lmao. Anyway seriously, Free Palestine. Donate to the UNRWA or the World Central Kitchen, go on strike against arms shipments, do whatever you can.
Trapped - Harley Kunuk
(cws: fem pronouns, stalking, 3rd party stalker, yandere elements, blood, gore, animal death, guns, murder, injuries [burns, punctures, bruising], graphic smut, mental illness [depression/anxiety], dismemberment, DDDNE)
word count: 25.8k
(A/N: ALSO PLS LOOK @ THIS HEADER ART BY @the-zipper <33!!)
This whole "get out into nature" thing really hasn't panned out for you so far, has it? It's a little embarrassing to be honest. All you wanted was to inject a bit of fresh air into your daily diet, all with the hope that it might improve your mental health–maybe your physical health, too.
Yet here you sit in the dirt, your scraped hands held close to your chest while a total stranger helps you out of the prickly situation you've stumbled into. Made even more humiliating for the reason that this particular stranger is….well, he's not any run-of-the-mill good Samaritan. Those types don't generally trek through stretches of wooded areas with no paths, armed with a hatchet on his belt and all manner of hooks attached to it to carry back the catch from his traps.
When you'd first spotted him through the trees after stepping in one of those rabbit traps (currently still clamped around your ankle) you figured he was a lumberjack or something. Maybe a serial killer with those dead eyes and stoic expression, but you'd prayed not. You could see his wild, unruly black hair tied back in a thick ponytail to keep it out of his face, his huge frame that stood hulking and tall next to the barren trees, his worn-in flannel under a heavy leather coat and jeans permanently stained with dirt and who knows what else…he gave off the impression of what you imagine a giant would look like, although the pale smattering of freckles over his slanted nose and the gleam of brown in his dark eyes as he turned had sent a strange shiver down the back of your neck. In fact, your cries for help had almost instantly died down when you caught him in your peripheral, because you feared he might be the type of person to take advantage of your suffering–he just looked mean, and you distinctly recall the way your breath hitched in your dry throat when he started walking towards you.
But you've learned your lesson to not judge a book by its cover, and quickly, because he's been nothing but helpful so far–with just a dash of sass in the process. You did step in his trap, after all, which he'd supposedly been looking forward to checking for a nice, fat rabbit to make a stew out of. And based off of how deep it's buried itself into your skin, it probably won't be any good for other rabbits with your blood all over it.
"You really shouldn't wander out here blindly. It's dangerous." His muttering like he's not even addressing you would otherwise put you off, were he not so close and handling your leg so gently as he pries the blunt claws of the trap off. He's been trying for the better part of twenty minutes, but without any tools aside from his hands it's been slow-going. He tends to be gentler when the touch trap scrapes against you or digs in deeper, so in a bid not to hurt you further he's abandoned the idea of trying to preserve the trap itself–now the aim is just to get it off you by any means necessary, and based off the blood from his own hands and from your leg, it's not going nearly as well as he would've liked. "Not just cause of my traps. There's animals out here, too."
"I didn't think it would be," You admit bashfully, a heat further rising to your cheeks. He glances up at you as stone-faced as he was before, but something in his expression flinches like he's intentionally trying to keep a wall up. The sounds of the forest around you luckily keep you grounded as you adjust your position, your hand tentative as it grasps his shoulder for balance. Does he work out? His muscles aren't that noticeable at first glance but you're positioned in a weird way, he probably looks a lot bigger when he's not so close you're practically breathing on him. Then again he kind of has to be, considering the snare is giving him more trouble than he expected and snaps back to dig into your ankle for the nth time–eliciting a pained yelp from you in the process–but with a gruff "Fuckin' piece of trash-" grumbled right next to your ear, he finally manages to wedge his fingers between your flesh and the steel and wrenches it back down with harsh, brute strength.
A sharp twang echoes through the forest, the sound and his hard motion startling you enough for your nails to dig into his shoulder through the leather. You'd be surprised if a big guy like him would even feel it, and you think that especially so when you cast a glance down and feel your heart skip at the carnage lying before you. You almost feel worse for the trap than you do yourself–you've got some stinging dents, scrapes, and punctures in your skin from the teeth clamping down on them, but with his bare hands Harley's bent the steel jaws back so far they've snapped off the base of the trap completely. One of them lies shattered in pieces in the dirt, the spring holding it all together looks completely bent out of place, and by all accounts it's completely unsalvageable. And completely your fault.
"Thank you. I'm really sorry-"
"For what? This?" He cuts you off by holding up a handful of his snare's remains, but only shows some remorse after the fact, like he's not used to the normalcy of human interaction…it's a big leap considering you don't know him from Adam, but you can only make assumptions about some strange man you've never seen who dresses like a lumberjack but can barely string a few words together at a time.
Harley tosses the mangled trap aside, completely oblivious to the way you flinch at the way it flies and tumbles to the soil in a discordant symphony of rough clanging. "It's garbage anyways. Hasn't caught squat…just you."
As he says that, his eyes draw over from the pile of junk back towards you, quietly creeping upward until they meet your own. Maybe you're imagining things, but you feel some odd sense of kinship with him…you feel like he's looking deeper into your soul than you realize, right up until he coughs and gets back up to his feet with a grunt.
"Don't step in my traps again, unless you turn into a rabbit."
All things considered, your nose scrunches a bit as the unexpectedly gentle giant towers over you once more. The snare had been covered in leaves and all manner of brush, plus he'd set it up right next to a rotting log that you'd stepped over and subsequently fallen down when the snap and the pain threw you off balance. Only a hawk could've spotted such a well-hidden trap in the midst of an otherwise empty forest, and you release a huff from your chapped lips as you struggle to stand with the help of his outstretched hand.
"If I'd seen the trap, I wouldn't have stepped in…uh, what was that? Was that supposed to be a joke?" Harley flushes at once, faster than your eyes can manage to process since he turns around so his back is facing you. He's already taking steps away, his nerves showing through his facade as he nearly stumbles over a tree root before steadying himself against the trunk.
"I mean it. Watch your feet around here."
"Uh…Harley, hey! Wait!"
To your surprise, he actually stops and turns back around to face you–this time with concern written clear on his features at how urgent your tone is. Wisps of black hair fly free from his ponytail and whip against his cheeks as a breeze suddenly blows through the empty trees, and more than ever you draw your arms tight around yourself to keep out the cold. You didn't dress for this weather most certainly, and part of you knows you don't want him to leave partly because you're losing that warmth that had made you feel so secure.
"Um…I, uh, don't know if I can make it back. I'm kinda far from home, and my ankle.." You glance down at the exposed patch of skin above your sneaker and Harley's eyes flicker before they follow, a trail of fresh blood dripping down your goosebump-covered skin as you put pressure on it. "...I-It really hurts."
You fully expect him to tell you you're fine, that you don't need any help, or that you're just being a baby and want more sympathy. But he comes back, draws closer slowly like he's approaching a wounded animal, and gestures behind you towards the stump you'd been leaning back against. When you sit yourself down on the cold, mossy wood, he rolls up his dirty sleeves and crouches down in front of you–this time with his face right near your knee, and you have to look anywhere but at his concentrated expression while he pulls your ankle into his massive grasp. It looks and feels so tiny in his hand, like you're a doll compared to him, and as much as your fingers itch to touch his hair now that it's so close you keep digging them into the stump below you. He just keeps observing the wounds, gently pressing a finger around the area of each while easing off when he feels you cringe in pain.
"...Hurts? Can you feel that?"
"Yeah, it…yeah, hurts. It really hurts. Sorry-" Somehow the touching, the eyes on your wound, they choke you up before you even know what's happening. The pain runs deeper than the physical sores and you know that, or you did, you just didn't expect it to well up so much that you find yourself shedding tears in front of a complete stranger. Your pitiful sniffles and wiping your nose with your sleeve are what finally attract his attention. Harley peers up from his deep concentration and you can hear his breath hitch in his throat, clearly unsure of how to proceed in the face of this unexpected development. If he were you, he might've just gotten to his feet and scurried away from the scene.
"...Wait here. I don't live far, I'll go get my kit and come back. Don't cry."
The way he says it doesn't feel patronizing, not like it should. You hadn't noticed until his face draws closer that through your tear streaked vision, his brow is set low and his brown eyes soft with a gentle glimmer of care. You catch a glimpse of his hand hovering near your cheek out of your peripheral, the warmth soaking into your skin–but before it can make contact, he's sucking his teeth and tugging it away before he stands for the second time. He repeats that command to stay where you are, and with a step back and a turn on his heels he's headed back in the direction he came from. He's out of sight in less than a minute, which is somehow oddly comforting as you dry your puffy eyes with your sleeves and sit there in wait, sniffling all the while in the cold. Hopefully he won't be long…hopefully he'll actually come back. You've got a good feeling he will, even as the minutes tick by and you hug yourself tighter when the cold of the late day sets in. It'll be dark before you know it, and on this leg you won't be getting far even if you'd brought a torch with you.
It's probably been a solid few minutes before the sounds of snapping twigs alerts you to someone else's presence. The angle confuses you though, because Harley left in the direction you're facing and the noise is coming from behind you. A whisper of something in the back of your head begs you to turn around, and just when you do, your line of sight aligns with a stranger who stops in his tracks as soon as you catch him in your vision. You're on your feet as quickly as you can be with one of them incapacitated, your heart jumping into your throat at the sound of him mumbling something incoherent in your direction.
He's definitely not Harley. Definitely not somebody you recognize either; older, squirrely, raggedy-looking but somewhat put together. A white coat sits on thin shoulders with sleeves that inch down over knobby hands worn with age, aside from that he's dressed just as any other trail walker you would see–at the actual trails at least, not this patch of forest that's further out of town and has a reputation for being bear country. You'd probably never even notice him if your eyes passed him on the street or a walk where the couples and families go on the trails, he seems like the typical older man you'd see anywhere. Except for those eyes that feel like they're bulging out from behind thick-rimmed wire glasses, roaming over you from head to toe and giving you an intense, icky feeling of being sized up like meat.
"Is that guy your boyfriend?" The staredown continues as he throws that strangely accusative question your way, hands shoved in the pockets of his jacket so you can't see what he might be holding. What you don't know he is holding.
"Uh, what? Do I know you?" You shake your head in disbelief, taking great caution to step back slowly enough that you don't slip on your weak ankle.
"I've seen you walking here alone. Is the big guy your boyfriend? Is he your dad?" He still has his hands in his pockets. Your brain won't stop imagining all the things he could be hiding in there–and the disjointed way he walks and the questions he's asking unnerve you to your core. And did he just admit he's watched you walking around here? This area of the woods isn't even remotely near a trail and you picked it for that very reason…unless it's an odd coincidence, it's forcing you to think back to every moment you've spent here and all the times he could've been watching. As if things couldn't get worse, your only reprieve is still nowhere in sight, Harley's footsteps nowhere near close enough for you to hear them. Who knows when he'll be back, either? It might be too late by then.
"I've got a lot of money. I can pay him." He steps forward and you take a huge one back. Your options are dwindling and you didn't have many in the first place. You can't possibly think he's harmless now that you're this far–he clearly has some creepy imagination and the only person who could save you, the only person who even knows you're here, definitely isn't close enough to hear you scream for help if you tried.
"H-He's coming back right now," You search for those words in the deepest pits of your stomach where your hope has fallen flat. The man glances around, his head turning in big, sweeping arcs to search the woods for any sign of said rescuer. Your heart hits the wall of your ribcage so hard you feel like you're gonna sink to your knees, or at least be sick all over the ground. You're not safe and you know it, and he knows it.
"I don't see him."
He takes another shaky, measured step towards you and you stumble back to take your own, but all you manage to do is trip and fall back on your behind in the mess of leaves underfoot. Those next few steps he takes towards his prey are quick and heavy in your ears, and in a burst of panic when you can finally get your voice out you sob Harley's name in a shaky, tremoring pitch that breaks with frantic desperation.
The doomed silence that follows is cut by the sound of wind whipping harshly through the trees–and in a matter of seconds, followed by the violent thwack that echoes throughout the woods as a blade flings itself across your vision and embeds itself in a tree trunk before you.
The hatchet marks a degree of separation between you and the man you hadn't realized had been stalking you for a while, landing barely an inch away from his nose. He staggers back out of shock and nearly falls over a root himself, but upon turning his gaze towards the source of the attempted assault, his bug eyes widen and he scrambles to run away with his tail tucked between his legs. No sense of relief washes over you until you spot your savior, his gait tense as he steps out from the trees and into the clearing–you only inhale a shaky breath when you see that long hair trailing down his back, the softness of his flannel sleeves rolled up to his elbows as he reaches out to grasp the handle of the hatchet. With a deft, one-handed tug, it dislodges from the dead tree with a rough crunching sound and falls to hang down at his side. He doesn't move to look over his shoulder at you until the man has disappeared from his vision, but when he does he finally sets the tool back on his belt and crosses that short distance to kneel in front of you, his first-aid kit dangling on a clasp on the opposite side.
You'd expect him to be upset by that rather violent reaction even if it's not directed at you, but he's cooled down already, enough that his touches are gentle on your skin. At least on the outside. There's a storm brewing behind his eyes that you thankfully won't have to witness, because all that awful business he's cooking up as revenge won't be for your precious, pure eyes.
"You okay?" His deep voice couldn't be more soothing than it is in this moment, your eyes filling with a fresh set of tears that, this time, he's quick to brush away for you with his calloused thumbs. His shushing and soft, sweet crooning don't fit the scary vision of the man wielding that frightening weapon, yet his soothing touches and words are so comforting you just end up melting into his warmth. Not a word of protest escapes you when he suggests taking you back home, nor when he carefully leans your crying self into his shoulder so he can slide his hands beneath you, and lifts you off the ground and into his arms with a grunt.
Your legs dangling over one arm and your back supported by the other, Harley bridal carries you away from the scene and through the forest down a path only he can see. One still filled with roots to trip him up and dry leaves to crunch underfoot, but he barely stumbles at all with you perched delicately in his arms.
"Did I scare you? I'm sorry." You shake your head and lift it from where it's buried in his neck, a trembling hand wiping your face for what feels like the millionth time today.
"No…no, he scared me, Harley. Thank you, I.." You whimper, your words falling apart as you hesitate briefly–but in the next moment you're clinging to him, his taut biceps pressed to your soft flesh and your arms pulled tight around his neck, warming his face in the process. Maybe that dark flush is just the cold, but maybe it really is something else after all. "Please don't leave me."
A shake of his head is enough to sate you, some loose strands of his hair tickling your skin as he readjusts his grip to keep you upright. Every time he moves, even encumbered by your weight, he does so with so much ease you feel like you don't weigh an ounce in his arms.
"I did catch you, so I guess I get to keep you." A smile curving against his skin goes unnoticed but the tug on his shirt as he steps over a fallen log doesn't, your instinct to grip him tighter when he's unsteady is what leads him to brace you closer to his chest. Safer.
"So I am a bunny now? You'd better not turn me into rabbit stew, then." You chuckle, a sniffle peppering your breath.
"You do look tasty." You tuck in your arm before elbowing him in the chest, not like it really does anything but tickle when he's built like a brick wall. But it's out of shyness and embarrassment because those words sound devious out of his mouth, that slowly-spreading grin and rumbly voice sending a palpable shiver up the back of your neck like he's speaking to your thoughts directly. Does he know? He acts coy, but is it that easy for him to tell that you like him? Because you do. You really, really do.
It takes everything in you not to press your lips to his cheek in thanks, because while it would be quite sweet you don't exactly want to cross any boundaries of his. You just enjoy the ride for what it is, Harley's strong arms cushioning you every step of the way until the shade from the trees overhead disappears and the ground evens out. By the time you lift your head to look, he's crossed the grassy field that separates the land between the forest and his home, and is already slipping through the side door to a decent-looking farmhouse by the road. A soft couch lies beneath a grand window facing the open yard and it's where he sets you down, supporting your weight right up until the moment you hit the cushions and release your tight hold on his shoulders.
It's a little embarrassing to be treated so delicately for an injury that isn't terribly serious, but that's exactly how Harley addresses it. He slips your mud-caked shoes off for you and drops them on the doormat outside, tosses the kit on his kitchen counter you're facing, and excuses himself for a moment to wash his hands and search for some stronger medicine in his bathroom cabinet around the corner. The room itself is wide with the kitchen on the far side and the living room on the other, an archway sitting opposite to the side door that leads to a hallway, at the end of which lies the bathroom next to a set of stairs you can't quite see from here, but you can only imagine are there since there's clearly a second floor above you. As kitschy as it is with the creaky wood flooring and a few minor patches of water damage against the 70s-esque wallpaper, it's the definition of cozy–a fireplace sits near you along with a coffee table and two armchairs, along with a rug that looks thick and soft with age. The cabinets in the kitchen all look like similar wood to the floor, the linoleum just as old but well-scrubbed and clean of any muddy boot prints or grass, and the cream-coloured vintage fridge hums quietly with a dozen or so notes tacked to it, with scribbly drawings of things to memorize rather than actual words. Even from here, you can make out things like a certain number of eggs to bring somewhere and a particular part of a machine that somewhat looks like it belongs in a truck. And with all the natural light filtering in from the huge windows, one by your head and the other facing out above the kitchen sink, the whole first floor of the house stays warm and comfy-looking even as the sun begins to set.
"Is this where you live?" You call out and he hums loudly in agreement, busying himself with digging around the shelves through the open door. You crane your head to peek outside again, curious about the odd little hatches you can see from here and the fences around some big, grassy open areas. You just barely manage to catch a glimpse of a larger, more impressive building a little further off that looks like it could be a barn, and suddenly the weight of the cushions shifts as Harley takes his seat by your feet with a tube of something clutched in his hand. With relative confidence he squeezes a dollop on to his finger, hands you the tube to make sure you're not allergic to whatever it is, and gently presses the cream to your skin and swipes it right over your wounds.
The hiss that erupts from you at that first touch halts his progress briefly, but he's back to rubbing it in once he's given you a look and probably realized that it's not that bad. It just stings–but as he explains, it's disinfectant, so it's important to apply before you're exposed to a nasty strain of bacteria.
"How–ow! H-How long have you lived here?" Wincing, you sit up higher against the arm of the couch to get a better look. One glance at the blood staining his hands turns your stomach, however, and you're quick to peer back out the window in the hopes of shifting your focus elsewhere.
"The farm?" He queries, gaze sliding towards those same structures out the window before he finds an answer. "...Long time. Twenty years, maybe?"
"How old are you?"
"Twenty-nine."
"No kidding." You crack a wobbly smile, the burning sensation having slowly run its course through your poor, abused ankle. "We're not too far apart. So you grew up on a farm?"
"Kinda. Just helped out."
"Do you have cows?"
Shhhrup. He snips off a length of gauze and pins it to your ankle with a warm finger, slowly rolling the band around it in wide, careful circles. On each pass around he pulls it taut to tighten it and stem the bleeding, though it doesn't mean it doesn't make you flinch each time.
"Yeah. Chickens, too."
"You do?"
"Of course. See the building there? That's my coop." Once he's finally finished with pinning the dressing into place, he helps you lean up with his palm held out, your fingers grasping it firmly to steady yourself as you peer out the window towards the direction he's pointing. The way he talks about it gives off a sense of pride, but that alone is clear by the smile that breaks his stoic facade when you ask if you can see the cows and the chickens.
"When your ankle's better we'll go outside and feed them. You can ride one if you want, if you promise to be gentle with her."
"I can ride one?" Your eyes sparkle with hopeful excitement, glimmering like sea glass and crystals among the sand. You're assuming it's not that detail that has him quirking up a brighter smile than before, but you would be wrong.
"Mhm. Marnie likes giving rides–we can bribe her with some celery I've got, too." He speaks with a hand on your wrapped ankle, neither of you even really noticing the gesture until it dawns on both of you, and you break your shared gaze and the touch in somewhat flustered fashion. Yet, even though he sits like a golem above you with hands retracting back to his own lap, you still can't help the thought that he's just so…soft.
Maybe not on the outside necessarily, but Harley gives off a comforting, warm energy that seems completely natural to him. You've seen the itchy discomfort and awkwardness of men who would strike fear into your heart by presence alone, the unintentional fidgeting that betrays bad thoughts and cues towards what they've really got on their mind–things that they would gladly do or say if nobody was around and the chance of getting caught was low. Passing comments that just barely scrape the surface of impropriety, gestures masked with kindness but bleed through with the expectation of something in return. Harley isn't like that, or at the very least he doesn't seem like that.
"Something to drink?" He stands up and off the couch in a swift motion, the remaining roll of gauze pinched in one giant hand along with the balm and the scissors. They look almost toy-like in his massive grasp, it's actually pretty cute.
"Water?" He nods, brisk in his actions but not in the movements themselves–he takes your orders like a soldier yet moves along in a relaxed gait, the path to the kitchen like a sixth sense and the air in the house so familiar he's breathed himself into every inch of it. If you asked something of him, he could say no. Yet his willingness to do so prods at you with the thought that maybe he never has said it.
From the cupboard he produces a tall, well-worn glass, and the tap shudders to life to spit a strong jet of water straight into it once he turns it. It squeaks with age and potentially the need of some upkeep, but when he circles back around the edge of the tabletop and brings it to you, it sits clear and cool as it meets your hands and desperately refreshing when you bring it to your lips for a sip. If you knew how many cracked glasses he owns, you'd probably be twice as grateful that the one you hold stays intact as you drain it. You've never been one to remember the necessities when out for a stroll, a water bottle being one of them–the stuff he's given you now, though? It could well be the ambrosia of the gods to your parched throat, your tongue having sat so heavy and dry in your mouth that the unpleasant feeling has become a nuance and not an irritant. Maybe it's his pipes or maybe it's him, keeping a close eye and taking the glass back when it's empty to refill it again–but tap water has never tasted so good, you could swear it on your grave.
"So.." He murmurs, handing back your drink and waiting for you to down another greedy sip before he continues. "It's getting late, and you should really rest that leg. If you're okay, I can take you back home. Or…" The way he trails off lifts a brow from you, curiosity overcoming you in a gentle wave.
"Or?"
"...Or you can stay here for a bit. I mean, you can come back if you really want to, and we can see the animals then. But if you want to stay–and, uh, I can keep an eye on yo–y-your wound–you can."
You lower the glass, now half-empty, into your lap. As much as you want to let your smile peek through at how sweetly he's asking the question, you can't help but wonder about the possibilities. Is this a ruse? Does he want to get me alone? Will he flip out if I say I want to go home? Part of you wants to test him, wants to say that you do and then change your mind to see how he reacts…but another part of you trusts him, maybe errantly, but you so rarely get the opportunity to just take a chance with fate. Maybe this time, things will be different.
"I don't really have anyone to check on me, honestly, and I live alone. Maybe…if it's okay, maybe I can stay? There's not even an elevator in my-"
"Okay," He breathes suddenly, but follows it up quick with an apology for cutting you off. The enthusiasm tweaks your anxiety just a little bit, but you try your best to smooth it over. There's no going back now. "Yeah. I'll set up the spare room for you."
Within moments he's up, but before he gets to that particular task, the labour of food dawns on him and he makes a detour into the kitchen. Despite insisting that you've already eaten before you left for your walk, Harley imparts upon you a bit of homemade jam and some kind of fried bread before he takes you up to bed, the former quite sweet and tangy while the latter is a bit doughy from a day in the fridge but still delightfully warm off a pan that he heats it up in. That and a cup of fresh, warm milk and honey is what sends you upstairs to bed, the steps creaking twofold as Harley carries you there like a lame calf that needs constant tending. Belly full, sleepy, and comfortable–things could certainly be worse than this, especially when you consider what could've happened if Harley hadn't been around to rescue you today. Things could be much worse, you've found.
The spare bedroom sits just off the top of the staircase, as the second door from the end of the hall with another diagonally adjacent to it. The moment he carries you in, you can tell this used to be someone's room–the bed has been flipped and fitted with newer sheets and blankets, the walls have been scrubbed clean, but there's still shadows of frames that once hung against the honeycomb-like wallpaper and a closet nearly bursting with boxes of old belongings. Once he sets you down on the bed, the doors of which Harley's quick to close after stacking them higher and sliding them back to fit snugly inside and hopefully make you feel a little more comfortable. His disappears for a moment, but returns with what looks like a long, thick maroon shirt in his hands that would probably drape so far down on you it would act as a nightgown.
"Here. I'll wash your clothes for you tomorrow–this should do for you tonight." He waits patiently outside the door while you change, takes the clothing through the crack when you open it, and you notice that he's completely turned away when he does so even when he could probably be sure that you're decent. He bustles away with them like a rabbit, and returns just when the crickets have started chirping to show you the door–literally.
"There's a lock here," He points towards the highest point of the bedroom door, and back down towards the bottom where a wedge of polished wood sits nearby. With a measured bump of his foot he shows you how to slot it underneath, and respectively how to tug it back out with a decent amount of force. "It looks shaky but it works. I lock both the doors at night too when I close up the barn. Windows too, but these ones are hard to open anyways." He demonstrates by crossing the floor in quick strides and tugging on the window, barely able to shift it upwards a few inches before shoving it back down with a healthy amount of grunting…and to say the sounds don't have you hot in the face would be a mistake, as benign as they are.
"I'm in the room at the end of the hall. Bathroom's next door. If you need anything, just holler or come get me." He finally offers you his parting words with a hand on the doorknob, about to step out but clearly with some hesitation lingering in the way he stands. Maybe he wants to stay with you, or maybe he's nervous about leaving you alone after today. It's endearing either way, rather than concerning.
"I'll try not to wake you up." You smile back at him, truly feeling the gratitude for his kindness, but he shakes his head.
"No, come wake me for anything. Even a glass of water–I don't want you walking down those stairs and getting hurt."
Ouch. Those words sting, they really do, but not because of his personal fault–rather because you can't recall the last time you heard something like that, the last time it was said with sincerity, and it hits you like a brick and leaves you aching with a hollow feeling that you don't know what to do with. Your hands lift to rub at your arms a bit awkwardly, shifting your weight from one foot and wincing when you attempt to do so to the other, but soon enough you find the courage to speak in the wake of concern you don't know if you deserve.
"You're really sweet, Harley."
"Sweet? I'm not sweet." His expression sours at once, a pout forming on his lips that almost doesn't fit his intimidating stature. He looks as if that word alone is an insult, yet the heat rising to his face gives him no bearing when it's so obvious that he's flattered.
"You haven't let me take a step on my own all day. You're really sweet, and really nice."
"Yeah, whatever." Unable to meet your eyes he pouts even harder to try and cover it up, turning his back on you with no better answer and grabbing hold of the doorknob on his way out. "Shut up, city-slicker. And don't stay up too late."
You nearly flinch when he doesn't slam the door closed, his bad attitude striking you more as cute than intimidating. Your ears perk at the sound of his footsteps outside, muffled through the walls and growing distant as he pads down the hall–and when his own door shuts quietly, you finally tear yourself away from the threshold and patter barefoot towards the plush bed. It's nothing special, and it's a bit old, but you certainly can't complain.
You can't help but think, however, as you shut off the lamp by the bedside and hunker down for a long night…it's just a little too cold for your liking.
Whispers hum at you in the dark, surrounding you in a blanket of voices and sensations that drench you in nothing but blackness. An incessant tapping grows in volume at the back of your mind, visions flashing by at random in a grotesque show of theatre–something burns, something hurts, and in a flash of climactic panic you shoot up awake in your bed, panting and gasping and grasping at things that aren't there.
You're alone again, but not in a good way. It takes a moment to adjust to your surroundings, reintegrate into the situation you're in, but a glimpse out the window at the farm and your hand brushing the cotton fabric of the blanket brings you right back down to earth. It was just a dream, and as you peer closer, the tapping in your head was nothing more than the branch of one of the trees whipping against the window in the wind.
You're up and out of your bed before you can really think about it, limping a little but finding steadiness as you brace the wall and the door handle before coming out into the hall. It's creepier at night, much quieter than you expected save for the noise of the wind outside, and it has you hauling yourself as quickly yet quietly as possible to get to the door on the very end; the door that creaks so softly as you open and close it behind you, but doesn't cause the warm, heavy body in the bed to stir. Even as you approach him and come round the other side that he's perched on, his breathing stays even and soft like he's nearly dead to the world.
"Harley?" Your whispers grow their confidence in the dark, the hem of the long shirt swishing around your thighs as you lean over the sleeping giant. "Harley, are you awake?"
You're wary of shaking him, but your hand just barely brushes his shoulder–when it meets his heated skin, the man in question flinches and rolls over with a groan, his arm sliding off his chest to dangle off the edge of the bed. Even in the dimness you can make out the squint of his eyes at the slivers of moonlight shining through the window, his hair tousled and splayed out all over his sheets since being freed from its ponytail. He barely tilts his head in your direction, but even so he acknowledges you with a slurred hum and a rub at his eyelids to erase the sleep weighing them down.
"I-I'm sorry–" Your fingers clench at the sight of his bare chest, the skin soft-looking and riddled with the deep edges of healed scars. "-I can't sleep. The noise-"
Without a word, Harley gropes for the blanket draped over him and grabs a fistful of it, tiredly lifting it up with a yawn. It's an idea almost too good to pursue, your brain momentarily wondering whether this, too, is a joke. But not one to give up the opportunity since he seems too sleepy to tease you, you take the bait and make quick work of crawling over his buff body to flop down on his other side. Your breath quickens in your throat as soon as you're settled, but you've got no time to dwell on the enthusiasm as Harley pulls the blanket up to your shoulder, shifts his hips up, and turns on his side to face away from you.
Is this really how fate has decided to treat you? You're not too sure you're a fan of enduring a string of so many awful things just to get one good miracle–but as the warmth of the bed lulls you in, you find your smile returning slowly as you snuggle into the sheets and relax next to the man whose hands you would gladly put your life into.
Within a few minutes of laying down beside him the space feels like it's growing larger and larger between you, the cold soaking into your veins and causing your feet to retreat further and further up under the covers. It takes a bit more time to work up the courage to search for a little more than that. Enough that you're sure he's probably fallen back asleep as you shuffle closer and closer, settling in again once your hands just barely brush his spine. That's better. Harley exudes so much warmth that you could consider him a human heater, although the chill returns when he flips over on a dime and those brown eyes are staring you down, half-open, in the darkness.
It doesn't take him even a moment to survey you, examine your intentions, think about you in any way–he mindlessly throws an arm over your body, while the other stuffs itself under your neck and loops through the space for you to rest your head on his bicep. What really kills your courage is the feeling of his warm, thick thigh brushing against your bare skin between your legs, your own clamping down around it on instinct before he brushes a place that'll really have you blushing. That wasn't his intention, but it's somehow more flustering that it wasn't. He just doesn't know what he does to you.
"Warmer now?" He murmurs, eyes fluttering closed while his fingers play with a few strands of your hair. Now, with him closer than ever, you can really feel the weight on your heart ease off. A smile graces your lips barely an inch away from his, even knowing you'll be spending the better part of your night wondering what it would feel like to kiss them. You hum your answer softly. "Good. Sweet dreams."
"You too, Harley." Your head falls back against his arm, and it's only a matter of time before the warmth of his body heat and the comforting embrace of strong arms around you lulls you into a deep, dreamless sleep. The only thing you remember waking you up is a brief time between then and the sunrise, when your eyes flutter open and you feel Harley's presence has disappeared for a time. But once slumber grabs hold of you again and you vanish into the land of unconsciousness, the only thing that causes you to stir is the distinct pitch of a rooster crowing from somewhere off in the yard, which inevitably rouses both of you into waking up.
You'd usually roll over to your side to check the time, but it dawns on you quickly that you're not in your own bed. This one is much cleaner, softer, and smells different–a bit like shampoo, cologne, and grass. Three things you haven't experienced nearly enough of in the last few months, but you've gotten more of it in the last 24 hours than you have for the entirety of the long depressive episode you've endured as of late. Your nose wakes to the smells first but you grow more alert at the heat on your back, Harley's hand pressed into the small of it to keep you cuddled snugly against his side. That tender gesture escapes you as soon as he slides his arms out and stretches them above his head, sitting up in the process for you to catch a much better glimpse of his bare torso in the sun's morning glow.
A myriad of scars mark deep, jagged edges in his skin right across the length of his back, littered by other oddly-shaped marks and bruises that look more like the result of many long years of farm work. The long strokes look more intentional, however–they almost look like flogging scars, as if from a switch or some other long, blunt object. It's unnerving, the way they cluster around one area near his shoulders where most of his exposed skin would be….and as much as you want to ask, your burning stare is enough to draw his attention to you and you don't dare to make him any more uncomfortable than you already have.
"I'll get breakfast ready." Your heart soars all of a sudden and it's a sensation that's quick to burn your cheeks, so all you can manage is a nod in reply while he gets up and quietly gathers some clothes so he can slip into the bathroom to change.
It's all so domestic; being here, the cozy house, the bed, the soft exchanges between you like it's all a part of daily life. Human connection is something you've missed these last few months, sure, but this is only something you've ever dreamed of–feeling cared for by someone who takes pleasure in your company. And Harley clearly does, because you can't imagine someone as sweet and handsome as himself entertaining another person without reason. Like you've seen before, he can be pretty off-putting and cold until he eventually warms up, but the fear that there might be something deeper to this arrangement still swirls in the back of your mind.
Harley ducks out of the bathroom fully clothed and drops the sweats he'd been wearing in the hamper on his way out, footsteps thumping down the stairs before there's a pause–and then the sounds resume with the clinking of dishes and running water. He could be a murderer, or a sex offender, or something worse, and you'd have no idea if he was until it was too late. But then again, you think as you roll over on your side and ponder getting up, he did save you from that creep.
Was it a ruse? A coincidence? Could they have been in league with one another? It's impossible to tell but you desperately want to believe that Harley's a good man. You don't want to slip into these feelings of distrust and fear again, you can't keep living like you expect everybody to hurt you. But then again, you really don't want to add more trauma to your pile or wind up dead in a basement altogether.
Frustrated and in desperate need of a distraction, you throw the covers off your legs and slide over to the edge of the bed, toes bristling at the chill of the wooden floors still cold from the night. He'd lent you his shirt, so you imagine he wouldn't mind you borrowing some more clothes–this morning you elect for a hoodie near the back of his closet, and a pair of jeans in a folded pile at the bottom from a bag labelled "Donate". Your underwear will just have to last another day but you're unfortunately quite used to stretching things as far as you can until you literally can't put it off any longer.
Luckily for you, the walls are close enough by the stairs that getting down them isn't too harsh, your hands bracing them every step until you can make it to the very bottom. Your companion doesn't seem as proud as you are when you show up in his kitchen, however, undaunted by your physical toils but still leaning on the countertop for support–the same one that he's preparing breakfast on just a foot or two away.
"I was gonna bring it to you," Harley utters softly, though his stoic expression shifts into something gentler when he catches sight of his clothes donned on your figure. "You're gonna slip on the stairs with that ankle."
"I'm okay," You insist, toeing your leg out and hiking up your pants a little to show off the bandaged wound…but your confidence falters when you realize just how swollen it's gotten overnight, the skin burning and puffy with a smattering of bruises peeking out from beneath the gauze. "...Oh."
Harley releases a sigh as he sets down the knife on his chopping block, and takes a step around the counter to brace you by the small of your back and guide you towards the dining table.
"Told you. Sit." The firmness of the gesture has your spine tingling, his warm palm like a heating pad on your lower back just from that simple touch.
"It really doesn't hurt that much," You swear as he doubles back to the cupboards and returns to start setting plates down. "Whatever you did really helped."
"Good…I'm glad." Harley shrugs and soon returns to the pan he'd been stirring, his movements calculated as he dumps in some chopped vegetables and flips the scramble over to check how far along it is. "How'd you sleep? You said it was loud."
"Oh…yeah, I think the window was cracked open. The wind got really loud and the branches started whipping against it…it just scared me a little, that's all."
"Shit," He grumbles to himself. "Knew I forgot to clip 'em.”
"It's okay," You offer him a sincere smile. "I slept much better afterwards, anyways."
For some reason, maybe nerves, Harley clears his throat and finds himself at a loss for words. He's busying himself with the finishing touches on the breakfast–buttering your toast and pouring out a bit of coffee into two mugs–but he doesn't find any until he's setting it all down at the table and coming close with the pan in one hand and spatula in the other.
"Well…er, that's good. I'm glad. I hope I didn't snore too loud." He murmurs over your shoulder as he reaches to spoon out some egg on to your plate; and keeping a close eye you can see he's separated the parts that are a little browner to fill his own plate. Aside from that, it's cooked just as you like it–and it smells amazing, and fresh. It's much harder to think badly of him when his cooking is to die for.
"I don't think I would've noticed if you did." You chuckle back at him, your fork digging into the scramble while he takes his seat across from you. "It was too comfy."
At that, Harley is rendered completely silent and fills the quiet space by stuffing his mouth full, his demeanor flat as he eats but his ears burning all the same.
And you can deal with that. It's not even really dealing, per se–you tuck into your own meals in silence, and it feels more normal than it should. When's the last time you shared a meal with someone and didn't feel the need to talk away the silence? You can't even recall, yet now with this stranger it's as easy as breathing. A bite of your toast crumbles in your mouth, the dryness reminding you of what happened the day before…and in no time at all your mind is drifting away and you're sitting, staring, eyes glazed over as you run through the events on a loop.
"...You thinking about yesterday?" Harley peers at you over his cup of coffee and peeks into your soul, your eggs barely picked at in comparison to his even though they smell better than anything you've eaten in months. It jolts you into meeting his gaze but not into forgetting what you've been agonizing over, and so you find yourself fiddling with your fork and working up the courage to just say what you're thinking.
"Yeah. It…I don't know. I feel like it's my fault."
Harley furrows his brow, his mug meeting the tabletop with a soft thud. "How so?"
"I just…I shouldn't have been walking there alone, clearly." You jut your foot out from beneath the table briefly, once again showing off the puffy soreness from underneath the covered wound. "And I guess I should've just been more careful. If you weren't there, I would've-"
"You shouldn't blame yourself." The sharp edge of Harley's voice cuts into the conversation, though his gaze flits away from yours and back again, soft as ever when he's fixated on you. "I'm not saying you shouldn't be careful, but you didn't do anything wrong. It's not your fault some people are just evil."
The shake of your head sours that look, your gentle smile probably giving him the idea that you don't believe him. That you're just humouring him. "You think that?" He looks down at you, the tines of his fork suddenly pointed in your direction.
"I think shitty people deserve whatever shit they get served. You don't deserve it just cause they're fucked in the head.” With those strong words lingering, he returns to the past few bites of his breakfast. ”Besides, you don't need to think about it anymore–I'll take care of it."
"What do you mean?" He nudges your plate closer with his knuckles, gesturing for you to keep eating. You pacify him with a bite, but you're barely done chewing when you ask again. "What are you gonna do?"
"Don't worry about it." Harley's hand brushes yours across the table as he reaches for the butter. "We're just gonna have a chat."
"About what? I know it's not gonna be about the weather."
"That's on a need-to-know basis, bunny. You don't need to know–now, eat. S'getting cold. And we have work to do." Another nudge and a scrape of your plate across the table, and you're met with a brick wall of decisiveness. But the nickname, it has you bowing your head and following his lead of swallowing down your breakfast, face warm and dark as you think about the rasp of his voice and the way that word sounds when you know he's talking about you. It swirls salacious thoughts into a brew in the back of your mind, your brain working overtime to cool the heat your heart is whipping up.
"I don't want you to get in trouble, Harley. Please be careful." He answers you with a grunt and a nod–a non answer. But it's as good as you're gonna get and you'd be a fool to try and extract any more out of his stony exterior.
By the time you're finally finished your breakfast, you've barely made a dent in your own coffee and sweeten it up with some milk he's put out to help it go down a little easier. Harley swirls the grinds he's got in his mug around, rolling a thought around his head before it finally ends up spilling out.
"So…when do you want me to take you home?"
Your honest answer is immediate, but you keep it bitten back behind your teeth. The insinuation stings a little, a lot, actually–yet you know it isn't a question he's asking because he's pushing you towards a desired answer. Looking him over and the way he's so relaxed, you know he's just looking out for you. There's something in the way he fidgets and warms up in your presence that makes you feel like he doesn't actually want you to go anywhere. "I have to feed the animals first, but I can drive you after that…or you can take a few days and see how you feel. You live around here?"
With a shake of your head, you chug back a swig of your coffee so big that it almost immediately gives you a headrush, though maybe it'll give you some courage to maneuver this conversation towards what you know you really want, rather than what you should do.
"Don't have a cellphone, but you can use the landline if you know the number. Let your family know where you are."
Family. That's a pretty pitiful word to describe what you've got. You feel your nose scrunch in disgust and you fold your arms over your chest, too wrapped up in your thoughts to notice Harley's questionable lack of confusion over your reaction.
"I don't really…I dunno if I'd count them as family." You mutter under your breath, hoping to push those thoughts back enough that they don't hurt you as much. "They're just people I…I know. I don't have many friends, either–I don't really have any. I don't think anybody's gonna be looking for me…"
Your bleak words fill a tense silence in the air, uninterrupted no matter how miserable they may be. It's unusual not to be intercepted by something like "They're your flesh and blood, they'll always love you!" or "Why don't you just talk to them, surely you can work things out!" like it's so easy to forget and forgive the things you've endured under the premise of some superficial relationship title.
"...I don't think I'd want them to."
Harley doesn't burden you with any of that. He just sits, listens, and quietly murmurs his question when you've let the silence fester long enough.
"Are you saying you wanna stay here? With me?"
Whatever you were expecting to hear, it wasn't that. Honestly you had kind of let your mind wander aimlessly and sort of forgot he was even there in the first place, quiet as he can be. You can't even begin to process that offer though, not when you're still so wrapped up in your own head and still feeling guilty for all the hospitality he's shown you thus far.
"That's crazy," You smile sadly back at him, reaching for your cup just to have something occupy your hands. "I wouldn't ask that of you. We don't even know each other."
The quiet as a whole is broken by Harley clearing his throat, another sip of coffee drained thoughtfully before he speaks again.
"It's more…if you want to. You can stay with me until your ankle heals, and then...we can see about you staying longer. Give you some time to think." As he speaks, he spots a forgotten corner of toast you haven't finished and plucks it off your plate to pop it into his mouth, swallowing it back with the help of his drink. "I'll show you around, see if you can handle the farm work. We'll go into town on Saturday to set up the booth, and you can walk the market with me."
Clearly he's been putting some thought into this, or his mind just works much faster than yours under pressure–either way, you're left almost speechless as Harley rattles off a plan like it isn't even odd to be planning a future with someone he literally just met.
"Well…what about rent? And-"
"The farm makes enough, and I already have more than I need. That's not an issue." He shakes his head to emphasize his point, draining the rest of his mug in a flash and balancing it atop his plate that he lifts to pull yours underneath. The only movement he allows you to make is to finish your own coffee, otherwise he shoos your hands away as you try to help clean up and stacks the dishes up in his hands with practiced ease, hauling them all into the kitchen to dump them into the sink.
"Won't I be a hassle?" You ask, turning in your chair to look at him over your shoulder as he rinses them with a quick hand.
"No, you'd be helping me. And…you'd be good company, too. It can get a little too quiet out here when you're alone." He only meets your eyes at the end of that thought, looking up from his damp hands with the smallest gleam of affection that you nearly miss.
Stay. You could stay, he's practically making a case for you to stay, and you want it so badly you can feel it pressing against your chest, threatening your heart to burst. You could leave it all behind and stay here, and…and, what? What can you possibly say to that now, when Harley clearly wants you here and you obviously don't want to go home? Would it be so wrong to indulge yourself, to let your past go and run after a future you've always dreamt of but never imagined you'd get?
It's decided without words, but it feels wrong not to declare it, at least for him to understand exactly where you stand.
"Okay. Yeah, I'll…I'll stay."
If you hoped for anything more you'd be asking too much, because the way Harley finally caves into that bright, rare smile is a sight for incredibly sore eyes, and it's more than enough to fill the quiet as he gently washes the dishes and passes them over the counter for you to dry.
"This is Custard." Harley cups a baby chick in his hands in the living room, having hurried out into the yard once the table was wiped and dishes put away. When he'd come back cradling something tiny against his chest, you hadn't assumed you'd even remotely know what it was he wanted to show you–but now, taking a look at him, your heart swells with adoration as if you're experiencing the feeling for the first time.
"Ohhhh!" The squeal escapes you without warning but it's completely unapologetic–your heart puddles at the sight of the little ball of fuzz, tiny chirps filling the room as it fluffs itself up in Harley's big palms.
"How about you keep him warm while I feed the hens? Here, he can eat this, too." He hands you a strawberry from the pocket of his coveralls, one he must've just plucked off the bushes that crowd around the henhouse. "One of the cows is giving birth soon, so I've gotta check if she's contracting yet."
"You're gonna have a baby cow soon?" You ask him with glistening eyes as he passes Custard into your hands, gently sliding the fluffball with legs over as it chirps in indignation. He nestles in and soothes himself once he feels how warm you are, though, and Harley rubs his tiny head with a finger that's still just a touch too big in comparison.
"Very soon. Could be tomorrow, or could be next week. You should help me think of names–the mom's name is Bea." With that he leaves you to entertain the little one while he steps out to take care of the chores, and as you sit back on the couch with the chick snuggled up in your hands, you take the chance to peer out the window and watch Harley work.
It's mesmerizing in a way. He's so focused yet you can sense his kindness in the way he moves, how gentle he is with his animals whether someone's watching him or not. The hens crowd around him the moment he approaches with the bucket, yet it's not just the food they're fascinated with–a few of them peck at his pant legs like they're trying to get his attention, vying for pats on the head or scratches down the back. One of them snuggles herself between his boots and lays there while he spreads the feed in the yard, moving only to ruffle her feathers when he steps over her to set the pail down and start reaching into the coop to collect their eggs. He's got a way with animals that you've seldom seen, and it brings a giggle to your lips when you watch him walk off out of sight and leave the hens clucking and some trying to chase after him as he heads to the barn around the back.
Custard nips at the strawberry, pecking away bits of it with a flutter of his cotton-ball wings as you hold it steady for him. The more he eats, the sleepier he gets, but even so he doesn't stop for love nor money to get every last bit of fruit and it's so adorable you can't stop watching him once you start. Soon, his belly puffs out full of fruit and tart juice, and your new friend finally settles down into a deep sleep with a flap of those tiny wings and a gentle chirp. Part of you is tempted to take the chick back to the henhouse and put his sleepy little self in the nests, just so you can have an excuse to go watch Harley work in the barn. But within the hour while you're watching the clouds go by the man himself returns, coming through the screen door with a bit of hay and dirt on his pants–and a smile once he sees Custard cuddled up in your hands on the couch. With a quiet pass off, he takes the baby bird and swiftly heads back out to put him in the coop. You're standing, waiting for him at the door once he comes back, and fortunately for him since he looks like he has something to ask.
"I have to go check the traps. You gonna be okay here by yourself?" The idea makes your throat dry up, and your heart still before beating much faster against your ribcage. Leaving? He's gonna be gone? For how long? What are you gonna do? How are you gonna feel safe? A million questions and more run through your head before you can squeeze a single one out.
"Wh..What if someone comes by?"
"People rarely do," He offers, a gentleness in his brown eyes. "But if that happens, just stay inside. I'll lock all the doors."
"What if it's the guy? What if he tries to get in?"
Harley suddenly gets serious, his breath fogging up your senses as he leans down to look at you whilst gripping your shoulders tightly in his rough hands. His warmth overwhelms you at such a tender closeness, his eyes stern and serious.
"Nobody's going to hurt you. I won't let anyone hurt you here. Can you trust me, just for this little while? I'm gonna come right back. I promise.”
Your lungs feel tight again. Hot. Your breathing isn't evening out and it's actually getting worse–you can tell you're on the brink of a panic attack but you can't fumble your thoughts into something coherent, you just cling to Harley's sleeve in the hopes that the panic will evaporate….and in that heightened, tense moment that feels like it's lasting forever, your heart sinks and your head whips around at the sound of the doorbell ringing. Harley huffs in frustration and sighs out a curse under his breath at the interruption, his hand lingering on your arm as he orders you to stay put while he heads around the corner and down the hall to answer it. You listen closely, rather than distantly as you feel the urge to dissociate, until the feeling fades as a distinctly southern accent fills your ears and breaks the terror of wondering whether that same stalker has followed you to this safe haven.
"The hell are you here for? I'm busy."
"The hell y'mean 'the hell am I here for'? It's Tuesday!"
That voice, heavy with an accented drawl, pipes up like a cat in comparison to a bear–and the shuffling at the front door only piques your curiosity more as Harley huffs and starts berating the stranger like they're more familiar than they seem.
"...Fuck. Listen–hey, not in the house! Take your shoes off, idiot!" Before Harley can stop him the stranger is suddenly standing across the living room, his golden eyes honing in on you immediately as he saunters up and barely misses your companion's frustrated grab for his collar behind him.
"Ooh," He winks. "See you've got company, huh? Hello darlin'." The young man is the picture of what you'd imagine a western cowboy would look like; a cowboy hat perches on his brown hair and his bronzed skin bears the tone of someone who spends much of their time outdoors…and that's to say nothing of the cowboy boots that clack their way across the carpet, complete with spurs that jingle with his every step. Yet his clothes seem exceptionally modern, the cream-coloured dress shirt and faux-leather pants giving off the visage of an office worker on a cowboy retreat. "Lookin’ like you seen a ghost. Elias Norwood, at your service–any way you'd like to be serviced."
Elias dips down and captures your hand in his, just barely grazing his lips over your knuckles in a chivalrous kiss before Harley appears behind him and yanks him away like a cat by the scruff of his neck. "You wanna get out, or you wanna wake up tomorrow as pig shit?" He growls, and Elias just laughs–partially in jest, and partially from genuine nerves–before he's shoved out the side door and just manages to catch his balance on the last step out to the grass. He shoots you a grin, a wink, and a wave through the window before he hustles out of view, seemingly heading towards the barn to take care of those aforementioned horses.
"I-Is he…y'know..?" You glance back at Harley with wide eyes, and the farmer shakes his head.
"Elias? No, he's not dangerous. We…we were married before. Not anymore." He's quick to qualify, even raising his left hand for you to see the absence of a ring on his finger.
"Oh."
"Yeah." The awkward silence simmers between you two as you take that in. Married? It's hard to believe Harley was married to someone so…different. A twisting and churning of your stomach bubbles your blood with unease–there's some sliver of irritation, envy, perhaps even jealousy in that moment. As hard as you try to cast the thought aside, it lingers while Harley remains so close. Yet it runs for long enough that Elias soon returns to interrupt it, that smarmy grin on his freckled face increasing the tension rather than cutting it as he pokes his head in around the screen door. "D'ya need your ears cleaned? Get out."
Harley aims that well-trained scowl back at his ex, who seems either gleefully oblivious to it or like he gets a thrill out of making your farmer friend mad. And though you struggle not to let it shine through, there's a twinge of satisfaction in your chest that foregrounds the erratic thumping of your heart.
"Naw, I can hear you. Won't hurt if you lemme know where you picked up this sweet little thing, though." It takes a second for you to understand that he's referring to you, which is just long enough for Harley to stomp over to the door and shove his fist into Elias' shirt for the second time. He shoves him backwards for the cowboy to stumble down the few steps and land on his ass in the dirt, but he looks no worse for wear even when his hat tumbles off his head and he just chuckles at the reaction. The screen door swings shut behind them but you can hear their muffled conversation from outside, not much more than a "Kidding!" from Elias and Harley's voice grunting a "Go tend your horses and fuck off." catching your attention. Eventually he returns, and in the far distance you can hear the whinny of a horse as Elias must be returning to where they're stabled.
"Here. I'm gonna give you my hatchet." Harley steps back inside with the blade at his side, the handle wooden and worn with age from many years of frequent use. When he closes your hands around the grip, your palms fill in the distinct indents of his callused fingers in the hilt. Your mind drifts to the way he threw it in the direction of your stalker, and it's even more impressive now, thinking back to how firmly it stuck in the tree and how much strength he may draw on when he's angry. Protective, rather. "Elias is gonna stick around while I'm gone–outside, mind you, not in the house. You feel scared at all, or in danger, you just swing. I'll take care of whatever happens after."
"What if I hurt him?"
Harley scoffs, his gaze pointed out the window at the barn until he swiftly returns it to you. "Nothing you could do to him he doesn't already deserve."
"H-Harley, if Elias-"
"He won't." He stares you down with a cold, stoic gaze, one that you can only imagine would drive fear and panic into those who don't know his real tenderness. "He won't hurt you. He knows how bad I'll hurt him back if he even thinks of it. As dumb as he is, he likes living–at least in one piece."
“But Harley-” Your eyes have started to water without you paying notice. But he does notice, and takes you under his arms in reply in a bid to soothe your high-strung fears.
"Listen, I swear I wouldn't leave you if I didn't have to. If I could, I would gladly spend every second of my day next to you." Your heart jumps at that sentiment, leaving your ribcage to poorly mask the desperate thumping of that fragile heart of yours against his warm chest. "But there's just some things I need to take care of. I'll be right back as soon as possible, I promise."
Though Harley pulls away from you then, electing to look you in the eyes as he makes that vow, you still find yourself comforted while his presence steadily dwindles. The hatchet hangs heavy in your arms as you watch him tug on his leather jacket and boots at the door, his trapping gear strapped to his belt and a thick canvas sack rolled up and hung in his inner pocket. With a pat on the head and one last reassurance, he's gone–out the side door and across the field into the forest, his image melding into the shadows of midday under the branches before he disappears completely.
Harley won't be back for hours, most likely. You reach a shaky hand out and click the lock shut on the screen door.
In all honesty, you weren't expecting the afternoon to be so peaceful. But somehow, even though Harley had reassured you of his vowed harmlessness, hearing the distant shuffles of hooves, whistling, and creaking of the fences as Elias passively reminds you of his presence makes you feel even less at ease than you would alone. At least you wouldn't be second guessing those noises as you keep to the living room, trying vainly to busy yourself in Harley's absence but constantly remaining vigilant for any sound out of the ordinary.
Could he get into the house despite the lock? You think, and yes, he probably could. You've caught a few glimpses here and there through the window of his tending–seen how he's tugged and calmed the horses with ease even at their rowdiest, his lean frame betraying the undiscerning eye as he's of decently toned muscle underneath. But so far he hasn't spared a glance towards you, not even checked to see if you're looking at him and hoping for an in to get him close to you. For the most part, when left to his own devices, he seems content with minding his business.
It's only when you've lost yourself in tuning the radio on the counter that a knock on the side door gives you a fright, your hands coming down on the counter in search of some defense until you realize it's just Elias. Unlike before, he's quiet and polite as he requests a drink from the fridge, his eyes betraying no sense of deceit, just exhaustion. He's sweating buckets and keeping himself propped up on the doorway with his arm, soaked from belt to boots in mud that the horses must've kicked up as he brought them back to the stables.
It's that tired, worn-out image of him that's lead you to this development–the screen still firmly closed but not locked, with you sitting on the floor inside while Elias perches himself on a lawn chair by the steps. It feels a bit like a setup for two house cats trying to get used to each other…yet the bizarre nature of the interaction hasn't seemed to faze Elias yet, especially not when you graciously didn't object to giving him a beer despite it being nowhere near 5 PM. He cracks it open outside and lets the foam settle momentarily, his sip long and followed up by a sigh of relief as he enjoys his reprieve from a day's hard work. While he seems content to sit in silence, it soon becomes too tense when you have a question that's dying to come off your tongue.
"....Is Harley a bad person?"
You just end up blurting it out all at once, the context lost on him when these are some of the first words you've spoken to him. Yet you're met with a chuckle and a glance over his shoulder, before he settles back in his chair and returns his gaze to the woods off across the field.
"Mh…define 'bad'." His voice is smoother this time around, less flirtatious and coy, but his words put doubt and anxiety back into your mind.
"Does he hurt people? Is he…he's not some serial killer, o-or sexual predator, is he?" A long pause draws out like curdled milk, spoiling any optimism about your current situation the longer it drags on. But this time, the way Elias breaks the silence actually brings you relief.
"...Really haven't known each other long, huh?" Elias fishes around in his pocket, just barely tilting his can for a dribble of beer to splash out on the ground, before producing a cellphone from his pocket and handing it back to you through the crack in the door that you open tentatively. "Look him up if you wanna. Kunuk's his last name. K-U-N-U-K." He takes another sip and scans the wooded horizon for any potential threat, or perhaps just the sight of a bunny hopping about or a fox making its nest.
"I'll give you my two cents, though, bein' that we were married an' all. Har's a stubborn ass, but he's a good guy." Your thumbs poise over the cracked lower corner of the phone, the search engine open and the box blank while the cursor blinks endlessly, waiting for commands. You're tempted to do exactly what he said, yet your ears are still perked to listen to Elias' apparent wisdom…if you could call it that.
"...He's been nice to me, I just…"
"Don't trust people?" He turns his head to look at you over his shoulder from his peripheral, a pursed smile barely reaching his eyes as you nod and he takes another hefty drink. "Makes sense. Don't hurt to protect yourself, 'specially round here. Wouldn't worry about him, though–as scary as he looks, there ain't nobody you'd want more to help you if need be."
"...I just don't want to be hurt anymore." Your voice shakes with uncertainty, a bit of your inner self slipping out in a moment of weakness.
"Take it from me, sweets: he'll hurt everyone but you."
"Even you?" He scoffs lightheartedly at your quick retort, and drains the dregs of his can before crushing it flat with both hands.
"I gave as good as I got. You treat him nice, he'll follow you like a dog. Treat him bad, he'll bite ya like one." His beer can crinkles softly as it struggles to return to shape, before tinging off the side of the recycling bucket that sits further along the side of the house as he throws it. “He's honest, I'll give ‘em that.”
What more can you say to that? He's not wrong, at least not from what you've seen of Harley in the short time you've known each other. As you quietly hand Elias his phone back and slowly open the door wider in the process, your heart begs the question…is it really okay to let your guard down now? Part of you desperately wants that to be true, but the other part keeps your hand well in reach of the hatchet you've propped up beside you, just in case you end up being wrong…again.
"There's your man of the hour." Elias' cheeky tone diverts your focus from your own thoughts, your head whipping up to scan the wooded horizon for a sign of him. Unbeknownst to you, his eyes widen slowly as the scene comes into focus, his hands coming down to brace the chair as he gets up from his seat. Now, finally, you spot him and get to your feet to see him better, pushing the door open completely so you can peer out and see the outline of Harley's muscly form drawing closer into the field from far away. Yet something about the way he's staggering is…off.
"Why's he walking backwards?" Your voice doesn't seem to reach the cowboy, his gaze fixated on some point off in the distance past your companion. Without sparing you a glance backwards, he gestures at you with tense shoulders and an order to get the gun, all while you struggle to stay on your feet without putting pressure on your bad ankle.
"Gun? What gun? Elias-"
In the distance, the sound and sight of Harley cursing and stumbling as his body hits the ground causes you both to flinch. And behind him, skulking out of the woods in a predatory march, is a huge, brown bear.
Elias shoves past you in seconds, flying into the house and dashing up the stairs so fast he's almost skating up on all fours, while you duck out the screen door and slip on your way down the steps, coming to a crashing halt on your hands and knees in the grass. Tilting your head up, you spot Harley's huge frame turning over as he scrambles to his feet, and with a booming roar the bear finally breaks out of its tempered walk and into a vicious charge. For someone so tall and bulky, Harley makes quick work of the ground separating him from the safety of the cabin, but not nearly enough with a fully-grown grizzly on his heels–and especially not when he's clutching his shoulder, close enough that your heart seizes at the blood soaking his clothes and dripping off his fists while he sprints. Once his eyes meet Elias', you watch as he grits his teeth and dives into the grass at the last second.
"Down!"
From behind you Elias bellows, a quick glance back giving you the visage of his lean frame and toned arms holding up a shotgun to peer down the sights. With little courage to think otherwise you obey and clap your hands over your head, muffling the crackling boom of the gun firing overhead as your forehead brushes the grass. You're hunched over still with your eyes squeezed shut as two more shots ring out in succession, but with a stinging silence following the third blast you finally peer up and let your hands shakily falter from your ears.
Is it dead? The fuzzy lump of brown fur lays unmoving in the grass, glistening with blood, barely thirty feet away. Close enough that you can smell the forest on it amidst the cloud of gunpowder. But not close enough to measure Harley's state, as he lay facedown in the grass mere inches from the bear–tears prick at your eyes in horrified silence, your mouth left agape behind your fingers even while Elias' hand grips you under the arm and hauls you up to your feet. Whatever he's asking you doesn't even reach you through your shock until he shakes you, his gait forcing you to move with him as the two of you cautiously but swiftly approach the scene.
"Harley?" Your whimpers ring out so clearly in the tense air, your fingers trembling as you reach out to him. It's impossible to tell whether he's even breathing up until the moment he finally, finally lifts his head to look at you.
"Fuck me," He lets out a groan, dazedly pushing himself up off the ground for both you and Elias to grab an arm, somewhat helping to lift him back up on shaky feet and tower over both of you. The blood in his eyes has him squinting and moving to rub it away, but when he's got a clear picture in front of him he moves on instinct–right towards you, his arms sliding around your shoulders to bring you tightly into his warm chest. He's breathing so heavily, panting like a dog out of breath from the run, and yet all his strength pours into squeezing you so hard he's dripping blood all over your borrowed clothes.
"Y'okay?" Elias lets the gun hang at his side, somehow more awkward with it now than he was actually shooting at something, like it's too heavy for him to bear.
"Sure. Mostly." Harley pants above you and presses his palms into your back, hoping to soothe you with some gentle strokes up and down your spine as you let out your crying sobs. Meanwhile Elias steps over to the bear and nudges it with his pointed boot, surveying it from all angles until he's satisfied that it's no longer breathing. "Nice shot."
"Damn right–better than you'll ever be!" Elias smirks with pride, his ego inflating before your very eyes as he turns back to face you two. Harley couldn't care less at the moment, though, his lips brushing the crown of your head as he murmurs reassurances to you, hoping to combat the sniffles and quiet sobbing into his shirt. "Hell! Ain't had bear meat in years–this fella's gonna taste so good!"
Somehow, even though you can feel Harley's hackles raise when he's around, the cowboy's dark humour raises your spirits a bit–it's at least enough to stifle your crying, his joking around killing the tension of the situation as he playfully picks up the bear's limp paw and waves it at you, which you're a bit ashamed to say gives you a giggle through the tears. He squabbles a bit with your companion about dragging it into the shed for him to butcher, but after awhile Harley convinces him to do it outside–by himself–and dispose of the entrails afterwards. Either way he's still off to get the tools to do so, and in the meantime Harley leads you back into the house and offers some newer, cleaner clothes to change into while he gets under a much-needed shower.
It's only a matter of time before you're sitting back on that same couch by the window, listening to the muffled sounds of water hitting the tiles in the room over, and peering out into the yard to see Elias hacking away at the carcass with a saw. Every so often you get a glimpse of him getting splashed in the face with a spurt of blood, or cursing audibly when he gets some on his hat, but soon enough he's carrying off huge chunks of meat back to the shed and picking hairs off his wet sleeves in the interim. Occasionally your ears perk at the sound of humming emanating from the bathroom, and the smell of blood that permeates the dirt and Harley's clothes mingles with the freshness of soap and aftershave.
Elias pops his head in the door and bids you goodbye sooner than you expected, his work rushed along by the gathering of dark, ominous clouds overhead. With a few string-tied paper packages under his arm he wishes you luck, but for what for you don't know. He only flashes you a wink and leaves a package behind before he slips back out the door, his car starting up and rolling down the gravel driveway just before the rain hits and starts pounding the soil and the grass outside.
"Dickhead. That's gonna be a mess to clean up when it stops."
Evidently Elias just barely missed him, because as if he popped up from thin air Harley's suddenly standing in the living room; bare-chested with soaked hair, a towel strung just low enough on his waist that your eyes instantly flick away. Your cheeks grow hot at the sight of that thick, dark smattering of hair trailing down his lower stomach, the image burned into your mind while you try to force those ideas of what he looks like further down out of your head. You finally have to force yourself to meet his eyes, but he's already looking at you once you do and you can only imagine what he's thinking. But, then, his gaze shifts to the paper-wrapped package on the counter and he breathes a soft sigh.
"I'm gonna start dinner soon. Gimme a hand?"
Of course I will. I'd do anything for you. The words beg to be released but you squash them right back down, swallow them back into your throat in a lump while you nod and wobble to your feet to wash up yourself while he gets dressed.
When you come back with clean hands and he's changed into fresh clothes from his wardrobe, there's a chair sitting at the counter across from him and a myriad of utensils and ingredients spread out everywhere. When you sit, he slides a wood-grain cutting board over and delicately hands you a knife, before piling a few damp potatoes in front of you for peeling.
The quietness between you doesn't faze you, really. You're used to people around you needing to break the silence, fearful of letting the air grow stagnant and causing an awkward shuffle for conversation–but this feels normal in some strange way, just like it did this morning. Maybe it's been helped by the time you spent with Elias. Harley ties his hair back and focuses entirely on the food, he strips the meat and trims the fat before tossing it into a pot over the stove, washes the vegetables, chops and drizzles oil in his pan and adjusts the heat without ever feeling like he has to entertain you. It's like watching him go about his business as he would whether you were there or not, which is oddly comforting as you take great pains to peel the skins off the potatoes without missing a single spot.
"Is your shoulder okay?" You finally break the silence not out of necessity, but because there's a lull in activity and you can't help but let your eyes wander towards his injury. It's wrapped at the very least, albeit clumsily. Part of you wishes you'd offered to help him, if only out of the desire to see his naked chest up close as the bandages peek out from beneath his flannel.
"S'fine," He rolls it out, wincing at the sting when the muscle stretches just a touch too taut. "Just grazed me. Nothin' to worry about."
"I am worried, though." You slice off a mushy spot on the potato and let it fall into the pile of abandoned peels. "You were bleeding a lot. What even happened?"
"It just smelled the game I picked up, wasn't like it was hunting me. I dropped it, figured it'd go after it, but it caught me when I tried to get away. Just had to keep it off my back til I got home." You're the last person to have any authority on the outdoors with your habits, but even so, something doesn't seem right with the way Harley explains it all. You can't quite place it at the moment, but his whole explanation just seems…odd.
Just then, as you're lost in thought and the sound of peels shlupping off the blade fills your ears, a wince of pain from your companion catches your attention. There, just beneath the hem of his sleeve, his wrist flexes with the weight of the pot and you spot it: a bright, fleshy patch of swollen skin running down his palm, the tender redness visibly aching with the sting of what could only be a burn. Harley definitely hadn't burned himself before he left this afternoon, nor did it just happen because you certainly would've noticed him yank his hand back if he'd burned it on the stove just now.
“...What about the burn on your hand?"
The thought escapes so quickly you don't have a chance to grab it. Curiosity seems to be your never-ending folly, yet your breath only barely quickens as he turns and looks down at you to answer. As brown and warm they are, as deep as they look, those eyes feel steely in this brief pause of a moment. Harley blinks absentmindedly, perhaps processing what you just said…and he speaks, slowly, softly, as if he were inching towards a deer alone in the depths of the woods.
"I found a campfire someone left burning.” His attention focuses back on the pot, a steady hand stirring the mixture to keep it from scorching. “Probably the same people that lured that bear with their picnic. People don't know how to treat the woods.”
In and out, Harley loosens that sigh and lets it slip into the air between you. It hangs there, swinging heavy like a pendulum, and the urge to keep the rest of your thoughts to yourself wins over all else. Maybe you still don't believe that, but…maybe you're just being a little paranoid.
The cabin wasn't anything special. It's tightly packed into an invisible square; the space of the house is small and dense in the tiny lot that it's allowed, but even that much is too much in these sacred woods. This place is where he found peace growing up, the trees listened to every secret he whispered and kept each one of them to the grave.
Now there's a little shit-shack taking up a spot here, garbage strewn outwards on the driveway and the root-laden lawn like the house itself is radiating filth. There was, at one time, an old lady that lived here alone. Mom–Erika, Elias' mom–used to take him by the hand and walk here to bring her things on occasion, be it pies wrapped in warm foil or casseroles with a dish towel draped over the top to keep the bugs at bay. It hadn't been long after that that they stopped seeing her, so his memory's still foggy, but he can still feel the ache of her knobby fingers pinching his cheek and the croak of her aging voice as she asked him about school and how he was getting on with Elias’ antics.
Seeing the place as it is now after being forgotten for so long, the matches in his pocket suddenly don't seem as heavy as they once felt. It's hard to tell with how the windows are blocked over, but by the absence of sound coming from within and the missing car, the new tenant must be out.
Leaves crinkle underfoot as he slips around the tree from which he's been watching, making short work of the distance from that hill to the door around the back of the cottage. As expected for one who lives out in the sticks, this door's been left unlocked–and in he goes, expecting all manner of frights yet with no idea of what's really awaiting him, the depth of cruelty and twisted fascination that meets his eyes once the hallway gives way to a bedroom. It's so cramped there's barely any room to look around more, the floor littered with papers and garbage that he's careful to step around with his damp boots. At least, even if he leaves footprints, they'll be the first thing to go when he finishes his business here. But more pressing than that are the photos tacked up over a hobbled old desk, the blackened fade of a marker ‘x'ing out all the subjects within…except for one.
It's you.
Every picture, every day, every lens flare and obscurity captured with the fervor of someone so obsessed that anything is better than nothing. Photos of you cluster around every spare inch of that corkboard and extend out to almost the entirety of the whole wall, not to mention the ones that catch overhead as he walks by that hang on clotheslines stretched across the ceiling. They're everywhere. This room–the collection, the garbage, the soiled bed in the corner, the draped-over windows–it reeks of you, and yet there's not a hint of life to suggest you've ever stepped foot here. He was right. But that doesn't stop Harley's fists from shaking with fury, a violent inferno building up within him as he catches glimpses of you in every peripheral. Twisted images of what this freak has been up to boil him into a rage barely quenched, and the vibrating intensity of his blood pounding in his ears only makes way when he finally tunes in to the presence of someone behind him.
"Who the hell are you?!" He's turned in a flash, so fast the man flinches at the reaction. It's him. He wants to know who the hell he is, huh? He wants to know the truth? He looks so confused at the sight of him, and he will stay that way until the end.
Harley mutters under his breath, fists shaking around the axe as he raises it over his head. Those bug-eyes widen in shock, but makes way for a type of fear reserved only for the horror of realizing one has met their own end.
After the bloodbath that ensues, it's all as much as a blur in his mind. A belt buckle catching on roots, a trail of blood, sloshing, the strike of a match in an otherwise empty soundscape…it's like the forest itself extended its tendrils and cast a veil over the villa, blanketing his world in silence as the house goes up in flames.
"Ever eaten bear before?"
Your mind has wandered quite far in the silence that's followed, to the point that the sound of Harley's voice startles you somewhat as you sit there gazing out the window. The potatoes have been peeled and cut, the scraps gathered for feed, and the pot that Harley's stirring is bubbling softly and smells divine.
"No, can't say I have." You smile up at him warmly as he turns to look at you, his gentle question soothing whatever worries remain in your heart. "Is it good? Or…gamey?"
"No, no, you'll like this. Trust me." His enthusiasm at your question is adorable–he gives the pot another stir before lifting the spoon out, and offers you a taste of the broth as a preamble for the bowl. He leans in close, palm cupped under the spoon to catch the mess, and the little mountain of potato chunks, meat, and softened vegetables explode into a firecracker of flavour the moment it all hits your tongue. Sure, the bear is a bit chewier than you're used to, but it's fresh and full of meaty juices that just scream ‘hearty’.
"Good?" Even if it wasn't, which it certainly isn't, you wouldn't have the heart to crack that hopeful look in his eyes. You're beyond glad you don't have to, and that your tongue swiping out to lick your lips is not an exaggeration but a sincere compliment. It's delicious.
"I'm glad." The smile that melts those hard-cut features warms you, but it only reaches his eyes for a moment before it starts to fade. "I don't get to cook for anyone anymore. I'm not great, but…it's one of the few things I like."
"I like your cooking!" You blurt out with some passive indignation, somehow aghast at the very thought of it not being true–the idea that anyone would tell him otherwise just boggles the mind.
Harley hums in response, his prideful smile providing you a look into his heart–all you sense is warmth and kindness, both of which you've craved so deeply you'd started to believe they didn't exist at all. While he switches off the burner, you slide out from your seat to pad around the counter and pick out the plates, eager to set the table as he reaches out to try and catch you–but the stew still needs his focus as it finishes, and you get a kick out of ducking away from him in a laugh as he tries not to let you exert yourself. Your ankle's feeling a great deal better, though, and finally Harley relents once you've started fussing about with the table setting.
Two glasses, two plates, two forks and knives, two pieces of bread and two bowls for the stew. The sight of it all laid out puts you at ease, but why? Is it simply because you're happy not to be alone? Or is it entirely because it's the man you're with that makes it feel so reassuring?
Either way, you need no ushering to take your spot and sit as Harley lifts the pot off the stove, carrying it as one would carry a modest book with his total herculean strength. Once the ladle comes out and he's filled both your bowl and his, you're practically squirming in your seat in anticipation as he takes his place across from you. The day has been tiring, emotionally, physically, and otherwise. This dinner feels like a reward, and who better to share it with than him?
But as you start to eat, and you tear a chunk off the roll that Harley made a couple days ago, the fear starts to creep back in. He's got his spoon practically glued to his mouth, understandably hungry after all he went through today…but can you really accept this as normal? Can you not admit that a few too many things have been off, and that you have questions you're still dying to find the answers to?
You've long considered your inability to settle down an annoyance, an unhealthy habit that prevents you from having fun and just living in the moment. But here, now, in this strange house with this strange man, you could imagine that such a habit might just save your very life.
"Can I ask you a question?" He hums and nods quietly, engaged almost entirely in his meal. If nothing else, you have to appreciate his impartial appetite. You dip your spoon in your bowl, careful not to take a bigger bite than necessary before you ask it…after all, it could blow up in your face for real this time.
"Elias, he…talked to me about you. He said you were trustworthy, and honest, even though you can come off…elsewise." Finally Harley raises an eyebrow, but his spoon pauses only briefly before he keeps eating, eyes trained completely on you. "I know you said he's annoying, but…why don't you get along with him? Really?"
You pick your words so carefully, yet Harley stares back at you like he's listening to an alien speak. It's unsettling, the way he just stops like he's frozen in place and picks you apart with nothing but a pallid gaze.
"Those are some big words." He eventually states plainly, and downs another heaping spoonful of his dinner. He seems to have picked the biggest chunk of meat he could find just so he could chew it for an eternity while he comes up with a better answer. Now his eyes don't meet yours the whole time he does, pointed down towards the spot behind his bowl like he's thinking the hardest he ever has.
"He's just selfish." He mutters after finally swallowing.
"...That's it?"
"He only talks to people if he thinks he can get something outta them. He'd rather take things from other people than get them himself."
"Were you ever in love?" The sigh he lets out, the fingers he runs through his hair, it strickens you with a moment of panic. That's a question that could certainly cross the line–but he clearly isn't as upset as you feared as he shrugs and sips another spoonful of the broth.
"...I don't know anymore. When I was a kid? Sure, I probably thought so. But…" His brown eyes pan up to you, and for the first time he fumbles with his next thought before he can get it out. "...I think I know better now."
You flush, and quietly sip down your own spoonful of broth. The meaty taste hangs heavy on your tongue, but it shifts into a sweeter sensation as it warms your throat on the way down.
"What about you?" He lifts his glass to his lips, his tone somewhat lighter like the weight of those thoughts have finally lifted off his mind. "You ever been in love?"
"No." Your tone flattens the whimsy of the conversation in an instant. Guilt starts to filter in at the realization, knowing he just poured his heart out to you…and then you start to fumble. "I mean…I-I'd like to be. But I just haven't felt that feeling yet, I don't even know what it feels like."
What sounds like a hum emanates from your partner, his next bite filling the silence as he chews thoughtfully.
"To me, it feels like home.” The tender, sweet tone he suddenly takes on oozes a sense of nostalgia, and without meaning to you're suddenly staring him down, rapt with attention as you hang quietly off his every word. “It feels like…knowing there's someone waiting for me, that they're missing me when I'm gone. That I have someone to come home to who helps me forget that the rest of the world exists."
Someone waiting for me. Someone that misses me when I leave. Someone who never wants me to go in the first place.
"Do I make you feel that way?"
It flies out of your mouth before you can pull the thought back, your hands left empty and cold as your heart slows to a sudden stop. Even Harley himself looks taken aback by your bluntness, silent and staring you down with his spoon poised just over his bowl.
That silence is deafening. This is the moment you were dreading. This is what you've wrought after all this paranoia: you've completely and totally made an absolute fool of yourself.
"...I-I have to use the bathroom."
Your ankle barely twinges with the pain you've adjusted to as you catapult yourself out of your chair, the legs squeaking as they scrape the ground followed by the loud, harsh thud of the bathroom door slamming shut behind you. It barely felt like you moved at all, yet the panic ensured that the shock in his expression burns itself into your mind permanently.
What an idiot. What a foolish, stupid, invasive thing to ask, what an absolute mess you've made of all of this. If Harley really felt that way, would he have just said it out loud? He seems to let go of all his thoughts with refreshing bluntness, so you can only imagine that this whole time it's been a farce. All those gestures you considered affectionate, all those kind words, those reassurances, that hug and the bed you shared–they were either the expressions of an overly affectionate friend or a person that's retained only surface-level feelings for you. Not love. How could it possibly be love? You've barely known each other a day!
It's stupid. It's just…it's all so stupid. This is the first time in these last couple days that you actually want to go home–you just want to leave this all, forget about Harley and all your messy feelings, and go back to the hell that you know because at least it'll be familiar.
It takes a long, long time for you to finally creak open the bathroom door, having agonized on whether to return to the table like nothing happened or just make a break straight for the front door. When you come back to the kitchen, your eyes flit towards the table to see it's been completely cleared away. Harley's rinsing a bowl in the sink and drying his hands on the towel, his back to you as you approach with no clue how to resume the conversation, or how to break the palpable tension at all.
But when he turns to face you, he shows no sign of even remote surprise at your return. His brown eyes pierce right through you, body and all–and before you can get a word out, he's suddenly coming closer and silences you with a kiss that completely takes your breath away. Heavy hands braced on your waist, he leans into the pressure of his mouth on yours to pin you right up against the counter, his palm snaking up the small of your back to hold you completely in place, completely pressed up against him.
What the hell? Are the first words that come to mind, but saying them would give off the reaction that's opposite to what you intend. Harley's warm. He's warm and he's right up against you, holding you, sinking his whole heart into this kiss as if he fears it may be his one and only. Your body melts against his force regardless of your anxiety, but that too seems to wane in the face of lips so soft and breath so hot it prickles your skin when he finally breaks it off. Harley's panting fills your whole space while his grip reasserts itself–he brings one hand up to cup your cheek, his rough thumb rubbing your smooth skin as he stands there and just takes you in.
"You do make me feel that way. You have since the first second I laid eyes on you." That gruff, callous indifference that you've seen in him on occasion has completely evaporated here. All that remains in his eyes is devotion, pure and sweet as milk.
"Harley-" His lips meet yours again, pressing you so firmly into another kiss you feel your head tilting back to accept it–Harley kisses you like he's dying for more and it's exactly what you wanted. This is what you wanted since the moment he laid his gentle hands on you, and you couldn't even put your finger on it because you were so scared of getting hurt.
"I didn't want you to leave–I don't want you to leave. I kept asking, I…I was afraid you'd say no." He murmurs in between kisses, groping at your body to keep you close despite you not making any move to go anywhere.
"I want to stay with you, Harley." You whisper back against his lips, which somehow seems to be the thing that stops him in his tracks and sobers him into speaking eye-to-eye.
"If you stay with me," He breathes out. "I will never let you go. You hear me? I won't let anyone steal you away from me, and I'll do whatever I need to do to protect you. You need to be sure." His hand brushes by your cheek to stroke your hair, needily touching you regardless of how fresh this development seems to be. He doesn't know how much you've been needing him back, though.
“I am.” You hush in reply, your voice sure and smooth as springwater. “I've never been more sure of anything.”
“I'm serious.” He murmurs as he holds your face with both of those massive, calloused hands. “I won't let you go. I won't forget about you. I will make you mine.” Those words are meant as a warning, but all you hear are the reassurances you've wanted for so, so long. Love, protection…and if it comes to pass, obsession. It's the wrong thing to ask for, you know it is. But the closeness and the care he's shown you, and wants to show you, are more than you could ever think to ask for.
You press your answer into his lips as firmly as you can. What melts you even more isn't that he accepts, nor does it so readily as he exchanges the lock of your mouths with twice as much fervor. It's that he breaks the kiss quicker than he wanted to with a grunt, and peels himself off of you like you've suddenly grown too cold to bear.
“Shit.” He glances around, avoiding your gaze until he's of the mind to draw back from you almost completely, face hot with guilt as his body reacts to your closeness. What he means soon becomes more obvious since he's put some distance between you–you can't help your eyes wandering downwards, and suck in a breath through your teeth in shock at his…enthusiastic reaction to your acceptance of his love. “I'm sorry.”
Harley's fingertips brush down your arms, still not quite able to break himself off from your touch entirely. He's got a look about him that says something more, the quick flit of his glances at you and the cautious hesitance of his flesh grazing yours hinting towards his own shyness. Maybe it's in this moment of exposure that he's able to push that wall down that he's been hiding behind, his true feelings coming to light after sheltering them for so long. Just as he's making a hurried excuse to nip into the bathroom for a moment, you put him on pause with your warm palms pressed to his firm chest.
“Stay.”
“What?” His expression cringes with incredulity. Did you really just say that? is written all over it.
“Stay, please.” You repeat yourself, your fingers curling inward to drag your nails lightly over his tough flannel. His arousal commands attention you're not quite sure you're confident enough to tend to, but you can't let it squander now. As meek as you are about it you gently place a kiss on his chin, and allow your hips to drift indiscriminately forward until they bump against his. At once he gasps through his gritted teeth, and though he grabs you in a tight hold as if to stop you, he doesn't make an effort to move you away as your clothes catch on his tented fly. Every movement seems to stir him further, a benign hug like the allure of a siren when he's this stiff and pent up for you.
“You know what you're asking?” His breathing labours the instant you press yourself up against him. He's just barely, barely holding himself back, keeping his composure together by nothing but a thin thread. “I don't own condoms or nothin’.”
“I guess we have to get used to it.” Your answer feels so innocent, yet so decadent in Harley's current state, that he offers you only a flash of lust across his gaze before he's hauling you up over his shoulder like a sack of flour. Across the living room, up the stairs, down the hall–the air peppered with a yelp and sudden laughter from you and grunts out of him as he rushes to his bedroom like a firefighter carrying you to safety. With a careful toss he's slung you down over the bed minus any potential strain on your part, and with the door kicked closed and a heady desire in his eyes he starts stripping layer after layer off of you like he can't wait a moment longer to see you in all your glory. You'd almost forgotten his injury until he stripped his own shirt off, his shoulder soaking the gauze with blood from his effort but not enough to bother him into stopping.
“Should we be doing this?” Your voice strains in a whisper as you watch him struggling to undo his jeans.
“I don't know.” He pants softly, pausing to press a heated kiss to your mouth before he returns to the task at hand. “I don't want you to regret it. But I really…like you.” He swallows that answer like a pill. It confuses him even more to hear you giggle, though.
“No, I meant–your shoulder, you're okay, right?”
Harley's whole face flushes as he realizes what you meant, and that his awkward yet tenderly sincere answer wasn't at all something he needed to say out loud. But though he coughs and shamefully mumbles out that he's fine, you can sense the ease that settles in the droop of his shoulders when you sit up and take the place of his fumbling hands with your own. In seconds you've got his button open, and with another kiss to the corner of his lips you delight in the shudders down his spine as you slowly drag his zipper down over his bulge.
“Hey, big guy.” You tease with a gleeful smile. Your eyes roam unashamedly the moment he's got his underwear tugged down.
“Shut up.” He huffs, embarrassed but somewhat proud at the way you stare so openly and in awe. Elias always had plenty to say about his body, but he was a sweet-talker. Your words are the only ones he really believes, which makes it all the more obvious how he's trying to appeal to you more as you start exploring him with your fingers, tracing your nails down his waist towards where it really counts.
“Harley?”
“Yeah?”
“Can we…” Your touch halts at the precipice, just barely within a hair's length of taking this to the next level. Forced to swallow at the realization that his endowment could prove an obstacle, you find yourself more humble about all those other things you're used to fretting about…they don't seem as pressing and scary when you're with him. “Can we…take it slow? I don't, uh…I don't really know what I'm doing.” You admit it guiltily, but Harley sighs a breath of apparent relief and settles in a bit more comfortably once you say it.
“It's okay.” He smoothes a hand over your neck, brushing the stray hairs away to pull you in for a warm kiss. “Yeah, I'm fine with that. It's been awhile for me, too.” The sound of him clearing his throat fills the thick air in the room. No matter where he is, it always seems like he's far away but so close he could be inside you at the same time. Despite trying to stay composed, Harley's eyes wander in the quiet moments that linger behind, and his shyness turns to intrigue and confidence the more he sweeps his gaze over your nude figure perched on his bed.
“...You look even better naked.”
“Are you sure?” The question comes out teasing and playful even though, at the heart of it, you're really serious about asking it.
“I'm sure.” Harley's breath hitches as you move, your nervous shifting to get comfortable causing a ripple effect through his body; a feast for his eyes at the new angles and a sight that makes him twitch in excitement down below. “Really fucking good. Your skin's like…velvet.” His voice reduces to a growl as he lets his hand roam, his fingers ghosting up your inner thigh until he settles his palm flush with your skin and starts rubbing the sensitive area with a possessiveness you've seldom experienced. “...Maybe I'll finally start buyin’ condoms after this.”
As much as you'd like to fire off some cheeky reply to that, there's not much willpower you can draw on when such a massive, hot-blooded man is squeezing your inner thigh and leaning in with the intention to please. He holds your gaze to ensure you're watching, and raises his hand up to his mouth while not breaking eye contact. He gently pushes his fingers past his lips, his soft tongue catching glimpses of the light as he coats them in spit, before reaching down quickly and hurrying to nudge them between your thighs. Whatever resistance you might consider is moot and futile. Why would you resist? Harley's gotten the full picture of you from end to end, hair to hide, and he…likes you. You heard as much from his own mouth.
Emboldened by his bravery, you scooch back just an inch to get a better picture of what he's attempting. His fingers hover lightly, itching to move in while still slick, and eager despite Harley swallowing around the lump in his throat as he mentally prepares for what's next. The spastic heaving of his breath is what leads you to bury your face in his neck and slowly guide his hand to slide his knuckles down your folds.
“Fuck.” The timing of his moan is almost comical. He wasn't expecting you to be that wet, surely, nor for your hips to jump when he manages to brush the tips of his fingers against the soaked edges of your entrance. Your body wants him so badly it's practically opening up for him–and despite the way you hide and cling to him in shame, he can't help chuckling lowly as he slowly spreads you open on his fingers. You can't hide the trembling shift of your thighs, or the squeezes of desperation as your walls welcome the long-awaited visitor. “Kiss me.”
It's a trap. The moment you lift your head, Harley's lips come down on you hard enough to knock you down; you go from sitting up to laid out on your back in moments, his knee sliding over your leg to drag it open further as he slips his fingers in deeper, past every knuckle until he hits that sweet spot that has you crying out into his mouth. This way you can't hide, can't smother your noises, and can't even whine about it–Harley flops down next to you with a satisfied, almost cocky grin while you wriggle and squirm on the edge of your seat.
“You're cute.” His voice is like a purr in your ear. Accompanied by the increasingly wet squelching of his fingers buried deep within you, it's hard not to feel like your whole world is nothing but Harley when he's showering you in attention you felt like you could never earn. He nuzzles his nose into your neck and pecks you lightly with a kiss that quickly turns more possessive–his teeth make an appearance at your tender skin, and though you anticipate a bite, he only scratches you lightly on the ends before tenderly sinking in. The deep, hard suck that follows accompanies a firm thrust of his fingers deeper inside, each one working in tandem to pull you apart and press you back together like warm, sweet strings of caramel.
“Ha-Harley,” You whimper out amongst the slick sounds of desperate pleasure, your stomach twisting up and tightening with your abdomen as Harley lays into you with his hands. His hard cock has been bobbing along your thigh as he fingers you, sliding dryly against your skin yet beading at the tip with need. He's grown swollen and stiff as bricks, but the moment you reach down to touch him you're stopped–his free arm slides under your neck as a cushion and he grabs your wrist before it moves, his stare hard and piercing despite the dark tinge to his cheeks.
“Not about me right now.” He mutters against your skin and presses his lips just below your ear, just above the spot he's made a distinct mark. “Just focus on this.”
“But I-” You cut yourself off with a squeal as Harley curls his fingers inward and hooks them against some deep, rough spot inside you that you've never realized was there. His tongue peeks out to flick at the bruise on your neck, lightly massaging the wound he made in the hopes that it'll soothe your nerves, and allow you to focus on the pleasure that's racing through your veins from top to bottom. “Ah-!”
The slick sounds ring in your ears–shuk shuk shuk shuk–as he takes you apart in every measured thrust of his fingers, his dark eyes locked on the curve of your throat as your head tilts back in ecstasy. When your eyes squeeze shut to focus on gripping the sheets and whatever else is in reach, Harley's skin grazes yours in a heated descent as he kisses his way down your body, trailing each one down your belly until his shoulders are settled between your sticky thighs. He turns his hand slowly to swirl the pads of his fingers inside you, and once he's there and staring up at you through hooded eyes he leans down and laps a slow, soft stroke of his tongue through your folds. The sudden jerk of your hips doesn't dissuade him, the reaction just makes him laugh in a deep, lusty tone as he focuses the tip on circling round your clit while his other hand presses your thigh down on the bedspread.
“Harley! Harley, Harley–H-Harley, ah-!” Your cries pierce the air but don't have any urgency aside from pleasure, no warning aside from wanting the sensations to continue even if you can't bear to look down at what he's doing. Harley's tongue lazily smothers your hot button in spit, his pink muscle a brush and your body a blank canvas. Each swirl of your hips as you mindlessly grind back into him feels traitorous, sinful against the sweetness you've tried to show him, and yet Harley acts as though you're just as innocent and beautiful as the moment he started touching you. It feels wrong to be taking pleasure from him in this way and to have all his attention focused on you, but Harley couldn't look more pleased when you finally peer down at him through the spaces between your shaky fingers.
“Hi.”
He interrupts the slick silence, as the bedroom is filled with nothing but panting and the wet shlups of him fingering you into oblivion. For once, he's got an almost cheeky grin on his face that's plastered with the wet sheen of your arousal down his chin. The hand that had been keeping your thighs apart reaches over your body to clutch at your elbow, but you quiver and close your fingers over your face again before he can try to pull them away.
“Look at me. Look.” His reassuring tone eases you into peeking out again, only to whine when you feel his thick fingers slide out and watching his lips purse as he messily sucks your taste off of them. You want to hide again…but you just can't stop watching. “That's my girl.” He murmurs, and slides those same fingers up the crest of your mound to rub more pressure into your now very swollen, very needy clit. “You gonna cum?” His whisper as he kisses your thigh has you upright in a jolt, your hands flying down from your face to grip the locks of his long, dark hair.
“Uh huh..” Harley's eyelids flutter into a lower, lustful gaze at how sweetly you whimper at him. His kisses trail inward until he reaches those soft lips again, and without another word to keep his mouth at bay he seals it over your entrance and starts to suck. That devious tongue of his wriggles like a coiled tentacle inside you, completely damning you in that weak moment as your hips start jutting and humping off the bed fully while you lose your composure in hot, wild abandon. Whatever foreplay had come before this was cinema–this is pure lovemaking, Harley's grunting like that of a beast as he eats you alive, and your body wasting its clamped tensity as you just let the moment finally take you over. His fingers dig into your waist to keep you down while you shake with want. The only moments where he lets up are to drag his tongue through your folds and push it back against your clit again, to purse his lips around it like a soft candy and suck until his mouth turns flush. That's where you eventually meet your end, your walls clamping down on nothing but air as he holds you tight and drags your orgasm out of you with a nibble of his teeth and a hard, suckling dance of his tongue until you've shaken yourself into a limp, hazy stupor against the pillows.
The next moment he draws you to his presence is when he's already kissed you. His arms flex minutely as he presses his hands to the bed, he hovers over you like a mountainous wall of muscle and scars while his tongue presses soft and wet against your lips. They're moist and cool, sticky from the air against his slick-stained skin and the sweat that drips down his back.
“I left bruises,” He pants. “Hope that's okay.”
“It's fine,” You whisper in a hushed voice, hoarse from the moans of his name that you're glad nobody would be able to hear. There's nobody else for miles. Where it once would've made you scared, now it does nothing less than comfort you.
“I love you.”
“I…love you too.” Chu. He kisses you again. A little harder this time.
“I'm glad.” Harley sits back on his haunches and waits, his hands lingering on your hips and over the bruises he left from grabbing you. He still hasn't wiped his chin, but it looks like he doesn't really intend to. It takes a while for you to manage the strength to sit up, but when you do, he's there to brace you and pull you up by your elbows to come chest to chest.
“Harley…I wanna do more.” You watch his throat bob as he swallows and his tongue flicks out to run across his bottom lip. He knows what you mean, thank god.
“Are you sure?”
“Positive.”
“Say it again,” He breathes hotly against your lips, just barely brushing them with his own. “Say that you love me, and you want me inside you.” You shudder in response, his choice of words stirring something up inside you that you're still shy about giving up.
“...Please. I love you, Harley.” You close the gap with a gentle kiss and slide your arms up under his, the soft peaks of your chest squeezing up against him in a way that makes his breath hitch. “I want you to feel good. I wanna be the one to make you feel good.” The words come out so easily here. Somehow they don't even make you blush. But they certainly draw a rush of blood into Harley's face, who can't tear his eyes off you as he lays you back down to loom over you like he did before. Breathless, sweaty, tongue heavy in his mouth, and his eyes absolutely glazed with a combination of lust and love so thick they're indistinguishable from one another.
"Okay," Already panting softly in anticipation, he grabs hold of one of the pillows by your head and taps you on the hip to lift them up and off the bed. Once he's slid it beneath your butt, he moves you with those rough hands to flip over so you're laid on your belly, the pillow propping up your hips while he climbs over your legs and sits back on his knees to survey the sight before him. Your inner thighs glisten with slick that begs to be licked off, yet you can feel it in the rough way he grabs both cheeks in his hands that as much as he wants to, he's got what you asked for on the mind instead.
Harley's chest meets your back inch by inch as he lays himself down flat on top of you, bending over further and further until his warmth encroaches on your delicate skin and you jerk at the feeling of his weight settling on top of you. His strong arms perch at both sides of your head and a gentle kiss behind your ear is enough to soothe you that he's not going to crush you. His cockhead teases your opening, smearing precum and slick up and along your folds as he tests the resistance of your body against his frightening size.
“Are you scared?” His voice rumbles deeply through your back. Despite the slow shake of your head you're trembling like a leaf beneath him. A hand slides up your belly to cup your breast, soft and jiggly in his palm while he continues the trail of kisses down the side of your neck. “I won't hurt you. I swear.” He grazes the swollen, rubbery tip further through your folds, just barely prodding you and lubing himself up by grinding his length up and down, up and down again. He's really trying not to make it sting.
“I love you, Harley.” Your hips push back to meet him, urging him closer and hurrying his hesitation.
“I know, peaches.” He hums back, the nickname slipping out by accident in the heat of him starting to press into you, finally. “I know. I love you too.”
Then comes the stretch. The sting. The breath is squeezed out of your lungs the further he pushes, that rigid heat pulsing and scalding your every inch of tender flesh as he sinks so, so endlessly deep. Harley's hair slips down his shoulders and tickles your skin as his head hangs down over you, his stomach straining against your lower back to keep himself upright as he sinks into pure, heavenly bliss. No amount of preparation could've ensured a seamless entry with his breathtaking size, but the thickness of his fingers and the heft of his tongue were certainly worthy preludes to the goliath that Harley's managed to fit so impossibly snug inside you. He can barely keep himself present, his mind begging for him to float away on urges and primal instincts as his cock flexes inside you with need. The shakiness of his breaths against your ear make you think he's desperately trying not to cum–so do the ripples of the sheets beneath you as his fingernails dig roughly into them, his spare hand gripping your chest to the point of bruising. At the end of this all your body will be littered with Harley's possessive marks, and in some great way you feel that's how it's meant to be. It's what you really want.
Harley's position shifts up your back with a sudden jerk forward. The pressure squashes you flat against the sheets and leaves only your hips propped up by the pillow, yet it too strains under Harley's immense strength as he starts to spread you open with deep, slow thrusts. His heart, as steady and healthy as it is, beats like a rabbit's against your spine with the frenzy of lust. Shluk. Shluk. Shluk. Your body speaks for you in the sound it makes with every deep, intimate kiss he presses to your walls deep within. He fumbles with your chest with comparative meekness, his callused fingers sliding and pressing across the sweet flesh before coming to your nipple. He pinches it a bit hard with a thrust stealing his steadiness away, but at your wounded squeak he circles it with his thumb and apologizes with kisses up the side of your cheek. On top of you he resembles more a weighted blanket than a man, he covers you so entirely that he could nearly smother you.
"I like you like this." He murmurs into your ear.
"L-Like how? From beh–nnh–behind?"
"Yeah," He groans against your skin and sends a shudder down your back, another kiss lowered and pressed back to your shoulder. "But not what I was gonna say. Mnh.” His voice resonates through your bones like a lascivious vibrato. “...So fuckin’ wet.”
As he rumbles, your thighs press flat into the sheets with his weight and your skin smears with a growing puddle in the sheets–your arousal and his precum mix to trail down your legs like the puddle you feel your heart melting into. Harley's love and tenderness in his touch makes you want to throw your head back and scream as if you don't deserve it. But instead, you just feel tears coming on as all those feelings come to a head.
"Too rough?" He pants above you, breathlessly spotting kisses across the sweat-soaked skin of your neck. “Hey.” He brushes the base of your neck in a soothing sweep, his thumb coming down to rub circles into the taut skin as he listens for your little voice in the thick haze.
“No…no, s-so–so good,” Your moan echoes off his bedroom walls, barely able to reach his ears in the heat that's taken over the two of you. You're messing with a stranger, having unprotected, premarital sex–you would think this would be a moment you'd straighten up and be a good girl, but alas. You've been taken in by a wild man living on the outskirts of society, whose grin curves up against your skin as he humps his hips forward, hard.
“Gettin’ what you want,” He grunts, his thrusts papping wetly against you as skin meets skin, his body completely attuned to yours in the moment. It's like he's not another person anymore, but rather an extension of you…an extension of your pleasure as he draws it out with every movement he makes. “Makin’ me feel like–fuck,” With a gasp he shudders to a quick halt. The weight lifts off your body as he sits up and back on his haunches, his warmth still buried snugly inside you where he belongs, but he ghosts a rough hand down your spine before it comes to rest on the middle of your back. With that steadiness in place, he can keep thrusting with swift, bracing snaps of his hips and a cry of how good it feels to be inside you.
It's completely mesmerizing. There's no end to where he stops and you begin; your bodies move in erratic rhythm like dancers, sweaty and wet with arousal for each other that you can't quite place any one source on. It feels like he loves you with every ounce of his soul, and for him? Well, Harley just can't get enough of every sound and smell and taste of you, his promise to take things slow only broken once you start throwing yourself back on him with pleas for him to take you with everything he's got. You've turned into a needy thing, once innocent and anxious while now you're ready to demand what you want. And Harley can't get enough of that bossy brattiness, cause at his core, he knows it's out of knowing you can rely on him to give you everything you want. Because to you, he's enough.
What isn't enough is a measly few minutes of lovemaking. No, he isn't that type of guy–you can tell once he brings his heel up on the bed, and uses the new leverage to pound you down like dough into the bed you're melting into. Your shrieks of his name have broken past the cutesy barrier you put up; they're guttural and hoarse, your every syllable putting an even more dopey smile on his lips as he listens to you give in to your desires like an animal in heat.
"...Feel like a virgin again," He whispers to himself, breath heavy in his throat as he slides his knee down to dig into the bed next to you. In the next moment he pulls out suddenly, grips your hip in a tight fistful, and throws you over on your back just to climb over you again–this time with those brown eyes hazy and cheeks flushed as he looks down on you, palms pressed to your thighs to keep them open as he sinks back inside slowly. Your calves hang over his massive thighs as he spreads you open, the pillow under your hips helping you to arch off the bed with a squeal as he stretches you back out to let himself in again.
"Needed to see you," He moans, sweat trickling down his collarbone and sticking to your chest as he lowers himself to get closer to you. He just can't get close enough, not for his tastes. "See how fuckin' pretty you are. Gonna get me there with that dumb look on your face."
The slick, loud slaps of his bucking hips thicken the air between you, where it's already hung heavy before. On both elbows by your head he lowers himself down to meet you, and at your arms coming round his middle to scratch your nails down his back he chuckles and groans, lowering himself more until his stomach presses against yours. At your beckoning, his waist barely slides an inch from yours as he slams himself deeper, deeper, deeper still until you can't squirm any further off his shaft. The thick hairs that decorate the base grow slick and matted down as they meet your heady arousal, and the way they scrape against your clit has you spasming with an oncoming orgasm once again. Harley makes a mental note of that, his smirk as hot and seducing as ever as he pins your lips in another kiss.
“H-Harley, I-” You gasp out between his teeth.
“I know.” He grunts. “Feel it. Squeezin’ on me so tight. M'gonna give it to you–fuck–gonna give it to you, peaches.” The growl in his throat resonates through his whole body and straight into yours. The ripple effect has you straining, squirming, your body like heat and ice swirling together to make an absolute storm of ecstasy. It's peaking now, getting closer, hotter, his groans rising and growing more intense as he chokes out that he loves you-
Harley traps you in a tight squeeze as he meets his end along with you, his arms hugged tight around your throat like a chokehold while both your hips grind and fight for one another. He can barely keep his eyes in his head as they roll back ecstatically, but it's not as if you're any better–your wiggling and squirming doesn't cease until the very end, when the heat has finally started edging off into bliss and your orgasm fades into softened spots in your vision. When the two of you finally slump into each other in exhaustion, Harley's weight finally sinks in as lays atop you with heaving breaths.
The quiet that follows, however peppered with the laborious heaving of your chests, beckons you towards sleep. But you can't quite allow yourself to go there yet; there's a nagging sense in the back of your head as you lie still, unsure of where or how to move in the aftermath of such a union. Part of you wants to feign sleep for some reason, as if from some long-instilled instinct to protect your body from the man on top of you. You don't want to think of Harley that way, though. He does end up sliding off you before you can move, however…and when he shuffles towards the bathroom, you feel a whine erupting from your throat that you can't control. He mumbles something from the other room and there's water running for a minute, but you don't hear a word until he meanders back with a softness in his brown eyes.
“Shh, sh..” Harley murmurs to soothe your shaky whimpering as he returns with a towel in hand, his heat bleeding through the damp cloth as he presses it warmly to your skin. “I'm here. I'm right here.”
For the next several minutes, your partner freshens up all the spots that beg the most attention. He wipes your face clean of sweat first, up to your hairline, before moving down along your limbs and your chest to dab at the sore areas and the messes he left behind. He leaves to get a whole new cloth to towel between your legs, the warmth of the damp fabric softening the sting that's settled in after he went on a sensual rampage through your body. Once he's finished with a hail of kisses to soothe those aches he caused, he sits you on the toilet to let you go, your usual embarrassment somehow evaporated as he stands naked at the sink and splashes water on his face while you do so.
The sight of those fresh scratches down his back send a shiver of guilt through you. They're raw, red and puffy, some having left thin trails of blood from where you'd dug in and broken skin. Seeing them littered over the myriad of deep, old scars that riddle a violent past make you feel a sense of shame–but Harley only finds himself content and relaxed as he helps you up, refusing to let your bandaged ankle nor his wounded shoulder prevent him from sweeping you off your feet. He carries you the few feet back to the bed, and once you're laid down atop it, he crawls in beside you and throws the covers over your body with a promise to wash them tomorrow.
“I can wash them…” Your soft murmur is the first you've spoken since you'd finished making love. Harley chuckles lowly, and turns to lay on his back. He ushers you closer with an arm round your shoulders, and eases you in to lay your head on his naked chest and hear his slow-beating heart.
“You're not walkin’ tomorrow. Hate to break it to you.” You huff softly at him, but it comes out more like a soft sigh of air as you settle in tiredly for some rest. Maybe he's right. You certainly know these aches won't be going away by tomorrow, at the least. They might persist for days at that.
“I can try.”
“You can sleep.” He shifts a bit to get comfortable, his hand bracing your head before he starts threading his fingers through your hair. “Plenty else to do when you're better.”
“I don't want to be a burden, Harley.”
“Shut up.” He whispers softly, his words holding no edge as he leans down and kisses the top of your head. “You'll never be a burden.”
Those words, as tough as they come out, lilt you into sleepiness as your final walls break down. With nothing more to say, nothing to speak in a rebuttal to that honest and heartfelt claim, you silently snuggle into Harley's side and let your thoughts drift as he strokes you into slumber. His hand in your hair leaves a warmth down your back as he holds you, quietly urging you to rest as you feel the tension of your day slowly melt into nothingness.
Halfway through the night, you felt a shift of something growing unsettled beneath you. Still half-asleep, you remember only mumbling something incoherent as you felt the warm body slide out from underneath you. Harley had patted your head and whispered for you to go back to sleep, and before you could see where he'd gone you'd fallen right back into slumber, just as he'd asked.
You were awoken for the second time by a clacking thunk. Shooting up in bed, your head swivels from one end of the room to the other to search for what you fear might be an intruder–but as your eyes pass over the window, you soon heave a sigh and rub the bridge of your nose in some relief. The hardwood chills the soles of your feet as they hit the floor softly, and you shuffle over to the sill to grab the edge and pull it down to close with a grinding squeal of old wood. You can imagine that was Harley's doing, likely cracking the window open to let in a cool breeze and air out some of the humidity–though just like the night prior, you scowl at the sight of those same tree branches clacking against the window pane. Far be it from you to ask more of your partner, but maybe it would be in your best interest to take him up on that offer to clip the branches, if only to let you sleep throughout the night.
As you meander back towards the bed, it's then that you realize Harley still hasn't come back. His side is empty and cold, and from your recall it's been quite a while since he'd roused himself, and you by extension. Probably more than an hour, at least. With a curiosity that's likely better off going unsatisfied, you dig in his closet for something to cover with–a loose, holey t-shirt that hangs around your knees is good enough–and quietly pad through the hall and down each step, your ankle proving almost no problem at all by this point. Without any lights on and only the gleam of the moon through the windows, you wander to the first floor until you tune in to the sound of a distant thud. With each one that follows, you head towards the sound and find yourself crossing the grass in the dark, the light of the shed just outside the farmhouse glowing under the closed door. Cool dew wets your toes as you move silently, your curiosity growing at a steady pace as you hear a muffled clang and the sounds of metal hitting wood.
The moment your hand touches the loose door, and you call out Harley’s name as it opens…you know the gravity of that horrible, tremendously unthinkable mistake you made.
Crunch.
A glimpse of Harley turning his head, a step, and he's crushed something beneath his boot. Your gaze falls to the hard-packed dirt floor, and shinking beneath his sole are shards of glass. Amongst them are bent, wiry silver frames; a pair of glasses. Ones you would recognize had he not stepped on them in his instinct to call out to you, to prevent you from seeing what lay within his shed that he's tried to dispose of all day.
As your gaze trails upwards, you have to take in every stomach-churning detail of this awful scene. The first thing that registers in your vision is the blood; it's all over the walls and soaking the wooden table, the sight of it dripping off the edges being what clues you in to realize that the dirt below is swimming in it. Harley’s hair is tied up but he's got blood in it too, he's drenched in blood from the top of his collar all the way down to splatters on his boots. In his hand is a saw, one of those thin ones you've seen in butcher’s shops. On the table, lying out like the bear meat that had been cut there just hours before, is a limb. A leg, it looks like. Missing its shoe, but a leg from the thigh down all the same. There's a deep trough by the end of the table–one you recognize as the trough for feeding the pigs–but by the stench of blood and rot you can't bring yourself to peer into them. You're already feeling woozy from the humid reek of death in the air.
The coat that's lying in a heap under the table is what truly confirms the horror for you. You recognize it, even though it's no longer white–just like Harley's jeans and his bare chest, it's been stained a deep scarlet with blood. There's no doubt whose scattered parts these once belonged to. It all makes sense now why Harley was so patient, yet acted like there was something to hide.
It's when the realization hits that you finally work up the courage to meet his eyes. Harley–the reassuring, handsomely stubborn man that you admitted you love, stands with his brown eyes wide and his expression blank. He looks like a deer caught in headlights; not stoic nor angry, but just simply taken by surprise. His grip hasn't tightened on the saw, but it hasn't loosened, either. You've caught him red-handed. The silence is impenetrable.
Drip. Drip. Drip.
Maybe he wants to say something. Blood dripping off the table and splashing into a puddle on the ground is the only sound that hits your ears amongst the silence. Harley stares, and stares hard, his lungs completely devoid of breath as you both hold the moment and wonder what to do. What to say. But what can be said? How can you reason out this shocking, horrific scene from a man you just laid with not hours ago? The man who loves you?
“I'll do whatever I need to do to protect you.”
The promise he made before stews in your mind like you're hearing it again for the first time. The blood, the parts of your former stalker's body strewn about, the look in Harley's eyes as he grips the saw…the breath suddenly sucks itself back into your body like you were seconds away from suffocating. You breathe in the fetid air that, by all rights should make you squeamish, but somehow…it doesn't. Not anymore.
"....Pig feed?" You query, a delicate finger pointed towards the trough piled with unmentionable chunks of flesh. With barely a breath in-between, Harley nods while never breaking his stare from you. Your hand brushes the doorway once again, eyes fixated on the saw with your nails scraping down the wood lightly, until your gaze eventually flickers back to meet Harley's. With your lips pursed tight, you offer him a nod and push off the wall to quit leaning against it.
"Okay…come back to bed, when you're done?"
Each blink from him signals an eternity in each of your minds, his grip so tight on the tool his knuckles are paling beneath the splatters of blood coating them. Harley nods back, his low voice just barely above a whisper.
"Okay." He sounds unsure of himself, but it disappears as he tries again. Much more confident the second time around. "Yeah. I'll be quick."
"Good." A smile slowly crawls across your soft lips, the sight of it sending Harley's stuttered breaths into silence again. The heat in his chest floods straight southward, and with a dry swallow his tongue darts out to wet his bottom lip. He can't tear his eyes off of you even when you slip away, your hand lingering on the doorframe as you disappear into the yard with one last, gentle encouragement over your shoulder.
“Don't take long. Bed's too cold without you.”








