Feel free to ignore this. I haven't slept in two days and I really need to let this out. Painful ranting in 3...2...1...
Why does the 'verse like to shit on me? My sister hasn't been gone a year, my mom is gone less than three, and now this. On Friday, my cousin was supposed to take our aunt to visit our uncle, my aunt's brother, while I went to a doctor's appointment and visited my nieces. Well, guess what? I have no idea where my aunt is now. No one will tell me where she is; not my cousin, her daughter or her daughter's baby daddy. I went to my uncle's house but no one answered. I tried to call my uncle, but he only answered the first time and said he didn't see her Friday and he doesn't know where she is. He didn't answer the phone again. I went across the street to my cousin's house, all she would tell me is that my aunt was ok, that she chose to leave me, and that I have to move back to where I lived before. That this is what my aunt wants. I kept telling her that I needed to hear it from her. But she kept saying no, aunt is ok, you have to move.
I don't know what to do. I can't just pack up and move. I promised my mom and sister that I would look after my aunt and uncle. I love my aunt very much. If she hadn't been there for me after my sister passed...
I didn't want to be out here at first but I very much did want to help my aunt. I like it here now. I finally got settled, my address changed, new doctors and a new therapist. Now I have to uproot everything again?!?!
I don't understand why my family suddenly turned their backs on me. All I have ever done is help them and take care of people. I was told by one of my girls, that when my mom initially got sick, the first mentioned cousin had been asking my sister questions about whether or not I do bad medicine. My sister vehemently defended me, knowing I would have rather died than do anything to hurt my mom.
Apparently, this fear mongering continued when my sister got sick and now they're doing it again. They're poisoning my aunt's mind against me, probably my uncle too, not to mention their own children whom I usually get along with really well.
I kinda figured she didn't like me. She and her siblings were bullies growing up. They liked to pick on my sister and I, but my sis protected me from the worst of it. Forty plus years later and she's still trying to ruin shit. When I was in high school, I started standing up for myself with them. Her siblings mostly chilled out or moved away, but she never did.
And now this. She's taken away the last two direct living links I have to my mom. Her daughter is ghosting me and her daughter's baby daddy is trying to gaslight me, saying it's my fault my mom and sister died. That I didn't do anything to help them. That I should join them. He's basically telling me to...opt out. They've taken my mom's last remaining siblings away from me, turned them against me. If I didn't have my nieces, yeah I probably would have opted out by now.
Tomorrow I get to try to explain to my nieces this latest clusterfuck. I know my oldest is gonna lose her shit and want to come up here and start a ruckus on my behalf. I just want to talk to my aunt and uncle, I want to hear from them, that they don't want me here. That they don't want my help anymore and want me out of what is left of all our lives.
I need them to understand that if I'm gone so are my girls. They love their great-aunt so very much, because she reminds them of my mom, their grandma. It's gonna break their hearts, but I am so very tired now. I've been fighting to keep the people I love the most alive and healthy and close to me for as long as I can remember. Fighting back against sickness, disease, aging and other relatives twisted by bad medicine.
I have neglected myself in order to focus on taking care of the ones I love most in this world. And yes, it is catching up to me. Migraines are more frequent, panic/anxiety episodes, GI issues, allergies are rampant, mysterious heart condition, what may or may not be diabetes (low a1c, but still on a pill and insulin), insomnia and of course the extremely spicy brain, 5 officially diagnosed conditions and counting.
So, like I said, so very tired and so very confused. Why would my extended family believe that someone who was raised by my mom (who, while she has/had a core of fucking steel, is the kindest, gentlest, most loving person I have had the honor of knowing) ever get involved in that evil shit. My mom raised us better than that, to be good people, not to mention my grandma's and my missing aunt's influence on our lives. I am the product of the environment those 3 amazing women created around me. My nieces and I are all that's left now. My grandma's gone, my mom (and 2 of her 3 older sisters and 2 of her 3 older brothers, she was the youngest, like me), my sister, and now they want to take what's left of my mother's family from me and my girls.
You know what, I might still have a bit of fight left in me after all. I think I might just have to call in ..the Adopted Aunties.
And my bro-in-law's ridiculously large family.
And possibly law enforcement.
I've been praying pretty much non-stop, to the Creator, to my ancestors, my grandparents, my passed aunt's and uncles, my mom and sister. I haven't slept or eaten much. I'm scared to leave the house so I don't miss my aunt if she comes back. Also, worried that my cousin and her family might try to descend like vultures and pick through the house, taking whatever they want.
I don't want to start packing. I don't want to just give up and allow whatever it is that's tearing my family apart to win. But I am so very soul-deep tired. My bones ache, my chest feels heavy and my heart is breaking. I feel like I'm drowning in my own tears, they won't stop.
I miss my momma and my big sis. Momma would know what to do, she would be able to talk some sense into everyone.
I love you, my fam. Always, no matter what happens in the next few.
