#oxheadandhorsefacearedead

[dangerousnun]

No Jonathan you don't understand you have to name it Nasarok. 

Trust me, it's for science

[sadboybrigade]

oxheadandhorsefacearedead replied to your post “oxheadandhorsefacearedead replied to your post “well i finished mass...”

I rped as satan so I saved the geth as a new race to corrupt and then I ascended to god of an infinite invincible army of killing machines. it was the most fun playtgrough I've ever done

wow yeah that's. that's some evil shit man

[sadboybrigade]

oxheadandhorsefacearedead replied to your post “well i finished mass effect 3”

which end did you take, blue or red or black or white (black os do nothing white is synthesis, I think white is dlc only)

I picked red, I only had that and blue available, and "controlling" the reapers seemed like a really sketchy idea

[retroactivebakeries]

g a m e o v e r

Alice Shaw considered the life that she had lead to be a good one, in the final moments. She ran a small plant nursery that specialized in trying not to go bankrupt, owned one dog and two cats (all ex-strays), and had given away a total of $1037.58 to people on the street over the course of her 32 years of life. She wasn't super thrilled about being shot in the face by her ex, but was at least grateful that she didn't really have time to experience the agonizing pain before dying, and conceded that she definitely was 100% at fault in that break up.

For most of Alice's adult life, she had assumed that death would just be one big nothing, or, if everyone else in her family was right, that she would spend an eternity of torture and suffering in Hell. A small part of her still thought that maybe that Jesus dude would be a bit more understanding than her parents, but not often. Which is to say, she was justifiably baffled when she found herself in a black, gloamy space, facing down a twenty-foot tall monster with the face of a horse, and his twin, an ox-headed ogre. Alice was still in low-grade shock from the whole dying thing, so she wasn't able to actually form a cohesive sentence at this point, but she succeeded in emoting a general feeling of WTF?

"Hey, don't give me that look." said the horse-faced one. "You know who we are. I'm Ma Mian, he's Niu Tou. You have to fight us if you want to escape the afterlife. I mean, please don't, we'd much rather just take you there, but if you were planning on escaping the afterlife, we're the guys to beat up." He made a gesture with a massive club, studded here and there with iron spikes, suggesting a general indifference. "I'm Niu Tou!" said the ox-headed one. "If you can't beat us in fair combat, you can probably outwit me." he grumbled. 

"No, no, it's not like that," said Alice. "I don't know who you guys are. Or where I am. I mean, I wasn't expecting anything, but the not this wasn't even one of the things I wasn't expecting. Is this..." She thought back to the Mandarin course she'd taken at Wellesley, and the ma with its four little hooves. "...the Chinese Underworld? Because I'm from South Carolina. My family's like, totally Irish. I really did not get a whole lot of preparation for fighting you two after I died. Mostly I was just hoping for, like, napping forever. And, uh, my name's Alice."

"Oh man," said Horse-Face. "That's definitely not supposed to happen. Yeah, wherever you were supposed to go, this definitely isn't it." A pregnant pause conceived, gestated, and eventually entered labor. "But since you are here, we do still kind of have to take you to an Underworld. So, are you going to come along, or what?" Alice considered her options. "Once i get there, could I put in, like...a transfer request? Or whatever the Underworld version of those is?" Ox-Head snorted with laughter. "Good luck! With all the bureaucracy and red tape, you'll be living a blissful life as an elephant before they finish processing it." Then, remembering that he was supposed to be intimidating, he made a horrid face, which somehow resembled a small child's imitation of a dinosaur. 

So that was one option down. Alice was fairly sure that in this place, her decade-and-change worth of tending to plants would translate into some kind of deadly Green Thumb martial arts, but considering that the two demons were pretty much her only friends right now, she didn't exactly want to fight them. "Hey!" she said. "I have a quarter...a ghost quarter...in my pocket. Instead of fighting you, we could just flip the coin, and you two let me go if I win? I'll be tails, y'all can be heads."

Horse-Face shrugged. "That was a really lame attempt. You should be embarrassed." "Yeah!" added Ox-Head. "Come on, that coin only has two sides, and there's three of us, that wouldn't make any sense at all." This rebuttal actually managed to be so dim-witted that Alice couldn't even muster a response. "So, when I go with you..."

"You'll be in a very, very complicated afterlife where you don't know any of the rules, have no idea why anyone does what they do, and are basically just going to feel awkward and out of place for however many years of suffering it takes to get your soul read for reincarnation."

"You know," said Alice, "that actually sounds worse than Hell."

"Wouldn't know."

"So. This bureaucracy you mentioned before. Is it one of those...you know...super corrupt ones?" "Oh yeah, definitely!" Ox-Head answered, earning him a gentle nudge in the ribs from his coworker. "I mean, once you get up to the August Personage and all those guys, it's all by the book, but down here we..." The guardian struggled to find a badass way of saying "have actually forgotten most of the rules," and failed.

"Okay, so, what about this," said Alice. "I don't want to go to the Underworld. You don't want me to escape. How about I pay you...the ghost of a quarter...and you two let me work with you? I was a professional guardener when I was alive, you know," she bluffed, hoping that these two weren't the best informed on mortal professions. 

"Huh. Sounds good to me." said Horse-Face, pocketing the sad ghost quarter. "You can't just be Alice Shaw, though. That would not go well in the mythology, Horse-Face and Ox-Head and Alice Shaw. You're definitely going to need to transform into some kind of demon, and the animal heads are kinda traditional..."

Alice felt a rumbling in the soul of her, a thunderhead of potentiality just waiting to strike with her next words. "How would you two feel about the name Elephant-Nose?"

[herbertwest]

oxheadandhorsefacearedead said: GO BACK TO THEM THERES MORE AND THEYRE BETTER JUST DO (get the new millennium edition of wizard’s dilemma and wizard alone though, we understand autism/cancer way better now)

THERE ARE MORE??? AND THEY'VE BEEN EDITED FOR ACCURACY??? I'M SO PUMPED THAT'S SO EXCITING I DIDN'T KNOW HOW MUCH I NEEDED THIS I LOVE THOSE BOOKS HECK YES THANK YOU

[herbertwest]

oxheadandhorsefacearedead said: constantines a pretty good movie if you consider it as entirely unrelated to hellblazer

Yeah I want to watch it, but I haven't gotten around to it yet. I make it a point to see as many comic-based movies as I can even if they're awful.

[herbertwest]

oxheadandhorsefacearedead said: i mean its the most famous but by no means the best, and more than a little problematic sometimes. there are some /really good moments/ though. for similar snark but higher quality, consider diane duane’s young wizards

OH MY GOSH THOSE WERE MY FAVORITE BOOKS WHEN I WAS A KID. I HAD COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN ABOUT THEM, I LOVE THEM SO MUCH!!!!

[herbertwest]

oxheadandhorsefacearedead said: how had you not read the dresden files? its like. the gold standard of snarky wizard. also consider the laundry files by charles stross, its a little more scifi than usual but also lovecraftian

I'VE FAILED YOU, SNARKY MAGICIAN MASTERS. I HAVE NOT YEAD READ THE WISE AND SNARKY TEXTS!!!

I HAVE TO READ THEM ALL!