Damn near impossible to say no
The last month and a half I’ve been on a road trip visiting friends stretching from Portland to Saskatoon, from Montana to Colorado, and from Utah to Washington. Some of the happiest and also most poignant moments of the last few years of my life have happened on this trip. So have some painful realizations that I don’t want to admit to myself.
Along my journey, I stayed with a friend. He and I have been friends for years. We’ve fucked for years. We’ve played video games, commiserated over jobs, mourned pets, gone to concerts, opened our homes up to each other. There’s chemistry and affection, friendship and appreciation.
When I got there, to his place, it was after a particularly satisfying, submissive experience and ass fucking. We caught up, shared stories, had a few beers, and then I kissed him. Things progressed as they usually did and some non kinky sex ensued. In previous experiences it’s been satisfying and enjoyable to me, however this time I was left feeling wanting. I came, a few times, but I still wanted something else.
I thought perhaps I was tired, and that at the end of his work week, perhaps he was tired. We had sex again the next morning and it was still…. not what I wanted. I was thoroughly confused. I’d been enjoying sex with this friend for years. Something had changed though, and I didn’t want to have sex with him anymore.
I was leaving the next morning. I could tell he wanted to have sex the night before I left. I tried to come up with reasons for not wanting to have sex with him. Good enough reasons. Big enough reasons. Nothing at the time seemed good enough or big enough. So I had sex with him. I even came, because I always want to please. And then he wrapped himself around me and fell asleep. I tried to sleep. I tried to wiggle out of his arms so I could sleep. Eventually I couldn’t stand it anymore, slid out from his arms, and moved out to the couch.
I tossed and turned on the couch until I left at 5 am. I stayed at a hotel the next night. It was the first time I’d opted to stay at a hotel on my journey.
The painful realization that came to me that night was that it’s damn near impossible for me to say no.
And I thought back to the last week and a half in my most recent relationship. I had sex with my ex-partner every day during that time. I didn’t want to. I wasn’t into it. He did the same thing every time. Same position. Same time. Same amount of time. I came on command every time. And was left unsatisfied and unhappy every time. And I don’t think he noticed.
In my head we were already done. I had made a decision about our power exchange relationship, on my own, because he wouldn’t allow me to talk to him about how I was feeling. I silenced myself every time I looked at him. I felt myself distance myself from him every time I wanted to use my voice and couldn’t. Instead of saying no I did as I was told. I fetched beer when I didn’t want to. I had sex when I didn’t want to. I cooked when I didn’t want to. I cleaned when I didn’t want to. I helped him organize things when I didn’t want to. I honored our power exchange when I didn’t want to. I felt like it was the only thing I could do, until I was allowed to speak.
Looking back I thought I was doing the right thing, doing what I was supposed to do. But now… I don’t know.
I do know in the future that I don’t want to be in situations like those when I’m unable or incapable of using my voice. I want to connect with individuals who value my voice. I want to use my voice to say enthusiastic yes’s and to say firm no’s. It’s hard and terrifying. I’m still not very comfortable using my voice. But I believe that I’ll get there. And I’ll be honest, I don’t want to get too comfortable, because I like the blushing and being embarrassed verbalizing things I want done to me. I want to find the balance in which I have a strong yes followed by a red face, wet panties, and begging for naughty things.
