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Pandas: A Case for Extinction

Pandas are lethargic, Asian pillow bears that do nothing but eat bamboo. For decades their numbers have dwindled due in part to deforestation and low reproductive rates. That’s right, pandas are endangered because they are too lazy to fight, too lazy to mate, and too lazy to reply to my tweets! Conservation efforts have been ineffective, pandas are on the brink of extinction. If pandas want to be extinct so bad maybe we should just let them have their way.

Survival of the fittest is how we describe the passing of the best genes from generation to generation. It ensures that the strongest, most handsome bears pair up with the most bootylicious lady bears. Most bears subconsciously understand this and fall in step. Polar bears are rugged because it takes a good bear to survive the icy winter of the North. Grizzlies are well groomed and full of fish like a pinata stuffed with salmon. They can do this because they are well acclimated to the mountains and forests. Even spectacled bears know that a good bear’s gotta be looking fly.

But pandas are not good bears. They don’t have any natural predators so their skill points were all respec’d from Unarmed Combat into Cuddliness. This may seem like a good character build for an NPC but bears are defaulted to Warrior class. Pandas don’t even like salmon, come on! They act as a good ottoman if you want to put your feet up for a while. And great towels if you forgot to bring anything to dry off with on your trip to the beach. Actually, they’re tremendously comfortable to nap on like a giant beanbag chair. But they are not good bears.

But that’s almost beside the point, let’s take a moment to look at why conservation isn’t an option for pandas. If conservation efforts are to be taken seriously then they must have mass appeal. It needs to be a movement that people want to be vocal about. It has to reach out to the youth and get them involved. That means it needs to have an online presence. #Activism But nobody’s going to get behind a smugly dressed tuxedo bear that won’t even hit you up on Twitter!

That’s right Mei Xiang, I’m calling you out. Do you like having a fancy house that’s nicer than mine? All of your highfalutin caretakers fawning over you day in and day out? Do you think you’re better than me, panda bear? Well you’re not. If you want to go then let’s make it happen! I’ll meet you in the parking lot and we’ll settle this once and for all. Like real bears do.

Anyway, pandas have had it too good for too long and we need to let this species go. We’re going to keep Panda Express and the Fiat Panda. They’re cool, they did nothing wrong. But the bears are a lost cause.

#PandaFight