The baby got her ultrasound today and there is no cancer! What read as a before tumor was inflammation from her digestive tract, which is genetically a mess from her being a hoarding rescue. But there is medicine and we can change her diet and that’s so so so much better than we were ever thinking. I am so relieved and so happy that our girl is ok ❤️
No new chapter of Wait for Me, which drives me crazy cause I’m so close to finishing it, but I’m starting tech week for the play I’m in and had a job interview today so my brain had been replaced by canned noodle soup.
Ooh thank you for tagging me, @thegeminisage! I’ve always wanted to do one of these.
Pick a scene/chapter/whatever from one of your fics (or I'll suggest one!) and add any commentary you feel like. Why that line? How come this plot twist? What does the eyebrow waggle MEAN?!?! I want the dirt and I can only smash my face up against the glass of your stories so hard before I start to leave smudges.
This was Liz’s special request:
“i would love to hear literally anything about any of your valkyr and lucanis fics but my current favorites are wait for me, i'm coming too (fade jail has NEVER hurt so much) and your heart is a haunted house.”
I'm going to do the last published chapter for Wait for Me, I’m Coming Too (I'm Coming - Wait for Me) because it is the culmination of everything I had been setting up and also REVERSE INNER DEMONS, BAY-BEE.
Spoilers for endgame Veilguard
“I must reiterate that I am fully, completely against this.”
It was unusual to hear anger in Emmrich’s voice; he was always so calm and even-keeled. But his anxiety had apparently turned razor edged as Lucanis stood facing the interior of the Eluvian.
You really never encounter angry Emmrich if you don't romance him. I see him as someone who defaults to despair, hurt, introspection instead of rage. So I wanted to make it clear that Lucanis is about to do something very dangerous.
“You can’t change his mind, Professor,” Taash stated calmly somewhere behind him. It was a small comfort to know they decided to see him off.
This was important for me because I wanted Taash to be the calm one. They had been fighting with Lucanis the whole story but, in the last moments after making up, they are a grounding force. It's an important relationship.
Should he say goodbyes? Should he say something in case he didn’t come back? He considered, but he couldn’t bring himself to drag this out any longer. He was just going to have to succeed.
Classic Crow method of dealing with feelings: don't.
A new sensation quickly blocked out all others: a feeling of something scratching against the inside of his skin. Lucanis took a steadying breath just in time to endure a feeling like vines bursting out of his chest. He started to cry out, but his voice was whisked away. There was bright pain, the cracking of bone, and the feeling of his ribcage splitting open like doors.
From within that new open space, Spite writhed free into the Fade.
The pain subsided and it was dark. Lucanis felt as though his eyes were open, but still the dark remained. It was only when Spite started to look around that he saw the brand new world around them.
They had done it: the first step to pinpointing Rook’s location. Here, Spite was the one with a body. Now Lucanis was the voice in his head.
Since they never actually tell you how Rook was found in the Fade, I took a lot of liberties, and for me this moment is about more than this story alone. It's kind of the top of (my version of) Lucanis's arc as a character. He and Spite have been together for awhile, they've come to their understanding and started working together, but Lucanis has always been the one in control. He had to be asleep for Spite to do anything at the beginning. This is a total surrender for the sake of finding Rook.
There was a girl before them— an elven child. She was small, painfully thin with skin clasped close to the edges of her bones even as her face held onto the roundness of baby fat. She stared at them without fear, violet eyes wide. Her skin was dusted with freckles, and her red hair sat in an unkempt nest of curls on her skull. Lucanis couldn’t breathe.
“Rook?”
Seeing the love of your life as the child she once was and coming to a deeper understanding of her as a person has me like 😭
Spite had to shake off his own surprise before he could surmise, “No, not Rook…A spirit. A spirit of compassion.”
I didn't want the Fade prison to exist in a vacuum-- I wanted to give it a sense of space. So the idea that outside of the prison, there are spirits kind of feeding off of what Rook is going through was interesting to me. Given Spite's reaction to compassion spirits in game, I liked the idea of one coming to help them.
“Do you know where she is?” Lucanis intended to ask. However, his words simply bounced back to him. He was not in control here; he could not move their shared mouth unless Spite allowed. The realization was instantly frustrating, as well as a sobering realization of why Spite had been so angry when they first escaped the Ossuary.
I was thinking a lot about that first scene where Spite is practically begging to speak to Rook until he lashes out and punches Lucanis. This is Lucanis fully understanding how that must have felt. While he doesn't have time to dwell on it, I think this is a realization he comes back to.
After what felt like an eternity, the little girl crossed over to them. She took one of Spite’s claws in her small human hand and, with a gentle tug, started to guide them forward.
Was this imagery the inspiration for the whole chapter? Maaaaaybe.
With a bright spark of inspiration that Lucanis could feel and not yet understand, the demon exclaimed, “Prison! Doors!”
“What? Where?”
“Locks and doors and locks! Like the Ossuary— like Lucanis!”
Realizing Spite is the only one who can recognize the similarities because Lucanis was AWOL during Inner Demons. He must be so exhausted by these humans and their trauma.
And then they both laughed, horrible, hollow laughs that were pale imitations of Valkyr’s. Her unmistakable laughter was so loud and joyous and ridiculous and wonderful; they loved that laugh more than anything.
This line is one of the most emotional in the chapter for me. It's such a beautiful connection in their relationship. The silent assassin who loves the girl with the loudest laugh in the room is really the heart of their relationship. And he hasn't heard it in weeks.
There was a small sound at their side. Spite lifted his head slightly as the spirit of compassion returned to them. She watched with Rook’s violet eyes, an unspoken question on her little face. “Tether...ends,” Spite wheezed in explanation. “Can’t…reach her…”
The spirit slowly reached out as if feeling the thread that connected them to Lucanis’s body. Slowly, gently, she smiled. With her hands on Spite, the spirit started to glow. She went brighter and brighter until the form of Rook completely dissolved into light that gently enfolded them, absorbed them, and then vanished. Lucanis felt a sudden release, like a taut line going slack, and Spite jumped to his feet.
“What—?”
“Gave us her strength,” Spite confirmed. “Gave us all. To let us save Rook.”
This is kind of an emphasis on the impact Rook has. Valkyr in particular in not especially skilled or special. But this entire story has been about how, in spite of that, she is necessary to the people who love her. And this compassion spirit sees that in this moment. She chooses to sacrifice herself and give Spite and Lucanis time because she has witnessed who Valkyr is.
Jumping to Rook's point of view, her final moments with Varric were so important to me.
“But—but I—” She let out a sob, “I can’t do this without you!”
Varric’s face softened and Rook realized there was mist in his eyes. “Rook—” he reached up and cupped her face between his hands, “Rook, you already have! Everything, all of this important shit that’s happened— you accomplished, you did it. Even if you thought I was there, you were always the hero here, kid.” He pat one cheek affectionately. “I’m so fucking proud of you.”
Valkyr has never wanted to be a leader, and, from her point of view, she's always had Varric to turn to. But he hasn't really been there, and while that's never acknowledged in game, it essential to Valkyr's story.
It felt like being dragged up from the bottom of the sea. Crushing pressure all around her, squeezing her head, threatening to suffocate her. And then, like the water, it broke.
I wanted it to feel like you were getting Fade bends.
Before she could finish, he had lunged, throwing his arms around her. Rook could feel him, smell him, real and alive and here. He squeezed her so tightly that her bones popped and she didn’t even care. She lifted her hands to his back, her shaking palms flat to feel him breathe, to feel his heart. When she raised her eyes, the others were there, staring at her as if she had just risen from the grave. Rook looked up at them, real and flesh and bone and wonderful, before saying, “Hey, guys.”
Bellara let out a sob and fell on top of the two of them, her arms reaching around both Rook and Lucanis in a hug. She was followed by Davrin, then Emmrich, and finally Taash, all locked in a group embrace around her. The weight of the people she had fought for, anchoring her. Rook’s lower lip trembled, but still she laughed weakly. “I missed you all, too.” Her voice croaked as if it had gone rusty from lack of use.
The group hug is just so important to me. Again, Valkyr is never meant to be special. But she's become special through her effort and relationships. We all love this dumbass who accidentally started a revolution.
Slowly, they all turned to look at her. She didn’t know how to interpret their expressions until Emmrich asked, “Rook…how long do you think you were in there?”
Rook’s eyes searched them each in turn as if she might find the answer in their faces. “I— I don’t know, I guess.” She opted to estimate on the high end: “A few days?”
They exchanged looks again and a cold, clammy feeling started to descend on her. Davrin was the one to finally say softly, “Rook…Tearstone happened over three weeks ago.”
“Wh…what?”
“It’s been twenty-three days, Rook.”
The world narrowed down to the pounding in her ears and the feeling of Lucanis trembling as he held her.
It had been twenty-three days.
This is the real tragedy of the whole thing: that's almost a month of her life just missing. Like that's just horror. After all the horrible things she's seen, she comes out and finds out that she's missed three weeks of living.
I am really proud of this chapter after planning it for so long, and I appreciate everyone going on this ride with me! Thank you again @thegeminisage for tagging me! Consider yourself tagged if you want to join. ❤️
The next chapter of Wait for Me, I’m Coming Too will probably be coming midweek. It’s a bear with a lot happening and I need the pacing to be right on ❤️ Thank you for your patience!
Tagged by bestie @thegeminisage like three business weeks ago, just now finishing. I have no brain power so feel free to consider yourself tagged and tag me if you end up doing it!
Origins of your blog's name: As someone who has been on the internet since the dawn of time, I have lost my ability to come up with an entirely new username. However, I did want something to separate my fanfiction writing from anything else I may have posted at the aforementioned dawn of time, so I set to work. I often use a name with pandas because they're my favorite animals and, as a demisexual, I believe we should protect anything that would rather eat then bone down. My other long-term username is a play on my real name "raeni." Put together raeni and pandas and it sounds like "raining pandas" and voila. The most effort I've put into not creating something entirely new!
My "I'll always order this" food: Key lime pie. At the same time I'm very picky because so many places skimp out on the graham cracker crust and it's like NO. I require the graham.
Overused Emoji: 😂 because I'm painfully millennial
Current comfort movie, show, and book: My comfort movie is always my favorite movie in the world: Clue (1985). Comfort show has gotta be Parks and Rec even after all these years, though Make Some Noise on Dropout is a newer one. Book is Howl's Moving Castle by Diana Wynne Jones.
Song on Repeat: A Bug's Life by Chase Petra (it's very much a Valkyr de Riva song)
My current hyperfixation: Besides the obvious ongoing adventures of Valkyr de Riva, I'm on the last few battles in Divinity: Original Sin 2. I'm excited to beat it and then proceed to ruminate over it for the next two years and write that Ifan x Godwoken fic
Oddly specific thing that brings me joy: Hearing my husband talk to our cats
What smell makes me happy: Sunscreen. I have had to put on sunscreen before a lot of good memories. It makes me feel like I'm going on an adventure.
Something I loved as a kid and secretly still do: Does fanfiction count? Haha only one of my IRL friends knows I write it and I definitely do not speak about it to anyone.
Phone wallpaper right now: Me and my husband in Tokyo
Are you an early bird or a night owl: Born a night owl, will die a night owl
If you work, what is your profession and do you like it: Right now I'm FUNEmployed (jk it's not fun) but I've picked up some work as a freelance graphic designer. I have two college degrees: one for acting, one for graphic design. Obviously, I'm going to be raking in the cash ANY day now.
