vicious.
@idjaewon, kcon, just after olympus’ stage ( event )
these days, it doesn’t take much to strike san up and into a flame of anger. something that burns ferocious, until it consumes all of the wood surrounding it, crumbles into a self-extinguishing mess of ash. highs and lows. that’s how san lives his life. an endless exhausting cycle. a cycle that’s only sped up when jaewon’s involved. double that when he’s pointedly trying to get underneath san’s skin. of course, right now? right now jaewon’s not actively trying. but he’s certainly succeeding with the way he half-lunged his way through the entirety of their kokobop performance. he’d at least tightened it up for a few of the other songs -- but san knows what he’s capable of. knows he’s at least better than that.
it’s annoying. annoying because san is still putting in too much effort. more than olympus deserves. more than midas deserves. but he still does it, and some incredibly defunct part of himself still expects the rest of his group to pull their weight too, despite how miserable they are. despite how much they hate each other. hate their comeback. it has him grinding his teeth together by the time they’re ushered offstage. twists fingers into the front of his own shirt and yanks in an effort to cool himself as he trails behind jaewon. only wipes the stupid smile from his face when they pass the dividers, the fans completely blocked. that’s when it warps into a glare that he pins to jaewon’s shoulder blades.
though it’s not until they’re out of shot of the staff that san shoots out a strained-sounding “what the hell was that?” holds his ground when jaewon swivels to stare at him, and san already knows that he’s going to be wearing something like disdain, disgust. but at the moment san could give a fuck. he’s annoyed, and he’s done. done with jaewon existing. he wishes that he could wipe him free from his life. but that’s not how the world works. how it works is that jaewon still has a curious way of shoving san hard and into an anxiety attack if he catches him in the right mood. of pressing into all the right buttons, in a way that floods san with self doubt, self hate.
“i hate olympus too, that’s not a good excuse. don’t even fucking try it.” he bites out before jaewon has a chance to speak. to retaliate in a way that is no doubt aggressively sarcastic. san’s too tired for his bullshit. the flight was long, it seems like he’s been promoting endlessly for a lifetime now. he doesn’t want to deal with this too. he’s not in atlas, he shouldn’t have to be carrying the world on his back. this group should be able to handle themselves without san dragging them toward a good image, toward something hard working. sometimes he wants to scream. sometimes he wants to stop talking all over again.