#terrifying

[the-watcher-in-the-sky]

[troythecatfish]

[longhairvixen]

[nyaa]

CERN (computer center) 2005-10-30

[penandinkprincess]

what we see of ilya's dynamic with his family actually fucking KILLS ME with what it shows about how ilya is by default when he's not performing anything.

like?? we see that ilya's father is SO fucking hard on him, and yet ilya is SO diligent in taking care of him, doing it personally when he's there

and trying to make alexei do what he's PAID BY ILYA TO DO when he's not. (and also the fact?? that when he's confused and in distress?? it's ILYA his father calls?? not his oldest son?? to me, this says that ilya has long been the default child for their dad when he needed/wanted something.) and after his father's death, he's upset that HE wasn't the one who was at home to care for him at the end.

this man who was SO cruel to him.

and even with alexei, they get heated on the phone with each other, but ilya tolerates a LOT from his brother. AND STILL SENDS HIM MONEY. and even with his brother being an absolute ASS, the way that he's startled when ilya finally snaps and gets physically violent

says that ilya has NEVER done that before. like alexei just before this had ilya fucking pinned to a wall with an ease that says that's probably not the first time in their lives that he's done that, and ilya STILL didn't get violent in response. this man who has a reputation for chirping and fighting and playing rough didn't raise a hand to defend himself even though he COULD HAVE. EASILY.

he ONLY got violent when alexei insulted svetlana, and we see from alexei's response that he did NOT expect that to happen. this literally might have been the first time in their lives that ilya actually got physical with him even when alexei got physical first.

and this bit during the confession fucking KILLS ME

like first of all "I know why"?? my BABY. in my read of things, i feel like ilya was favored by their father because he had talent and potential that alexei did not (not that this at ALL saved him given what their father's focus looked like, but i feel like ilya absolutely got the lion's share of their father's attention), and ilya KNOWING that alexei is jealous and why and in his tone not even sounding like he holds it against him shows so much emotional intelligence. (even in the opening of the call when he says that his brother is scared and it makes him terrible and makes ilya terrible back. the maturity of that understanding.) and the "but" is especially a dagger. "I know why but [i wish he didn't]" "i know why but [i wish he loved me anyway]".

and EVEN AT THE END. WHEN ILYA HAS HAD ENOUGH. HE STILL LOOKS OUT FOR THEM. he gives alexei his apartment in moscow and says he'll set up a trust fund for his niece. even driven to saying "fuck it," ilya is so family-focused that he STILL can't just walk away completely. he is STILL giving them what he has to give.

ilya wants to be a member of a family SO fucking bad. SO bad. he wants to tend and be loved and be part of a family that accepts him as more than a bank account.

which makes it hit even better when he finally DOES find a family that has a place for him.

[darkest1]

𝕽𝖔𝖆𝖉 𝖙𝖗𝖎𝖕...⛧

[simo9z]

Tear of the Last Dreamer, By Simo9Z