#paramorefan999

[paramorefan999]

I hope you fall apart

Your strong body falling to the ground

Bones that have held little weight

turning into dust,

into ash

the skin beneath your eyes sagging

into your cheekbones

until your mask melts off

i hope your relationships get destroyed

by your unwillingness to forgive

and your unwillingness to give more

i hope everything about you decays

and i hope no one remembers you

because i want you to feel like i feel

i want you to feel like i'll always feel

[paramorefan999]

Someone Guaranteed

I need you to will me to stay away,

That's the only thing that will cure this hatred for you.

I need to know how you manage to get through the day,

Without the image of me biting through.

I need you to say that's not what you think,

That I'm not tearing a hole in your breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

I need you to not push me down the garbage disposal in your sink,

And have people see how you're getting thinner.

What if I've deprived you? starved you?

From getting what you need?

Oh, what would I care, I'm only someone you've told some secrets to,

I'm only someone guaranteed.

[paramorefan999]

say "no" to your teenage desires

i wish 14 year old me could have missed out on what happened

while i aged

i should've said "no" to everything i said "yes" to

i said "yes" to a lot of things i shouldn't have

and i know

i should've skipped that party

i should've told him he couldn't take my innocence

i should've never told them to leave me alone

because they listened and then i was alone

i was alone so often

i started hearing things

seeing what wasn't there

i was trapped inside my mind

i kept clawing at the membrane walls

no response from outside

because my cries were too quiet

too small

everything was bigger than me

i meant for my life to go better than these past 4 years

but we all know we can't help saying "yes" to our desires

[paramorefan999]

have me

i am mindless

i am not to love

i am something to fuck

i am not a human

i am a giver

i am not a masterpiece

i am something to blame

i am not capable of decisions

i am a toy

i am not something to be

i am something to have

[paramorefan999]

for you

you protect me from my own nightmares

i keep them from throwing their dilapidated words

all they are is far away from us

i'm your tiny ballerina

kept inside your jewelry box

open it up and keep me spinning

keep me with you at all times

as long as i am here

you're safe

you're my bedtime story

i open you up and bring you everywhere

you bring me the most comfort

i find my peace in your unspoken stories

as long as you're here

i'm safe

if we run away

can we always be together?

[paramorefan999]

journal entry #25...3/18/22

Dear Diary,

I haven't written in a little bit. There's been a little bit going on but not much. Yesterday, in group therapy, I was talking about my dad and how I don't know if we love each other anymore and how I've been thinking about it recently. There's this one therapist, Strawberry's therapist, who is kind of a really bad therapist. I was talking about how I look for father figures in any older man, like my coworkers at the pizza place. Last week, I talked about how I can't hold a crush really and I stop liking people once they like me. So this therapist was like, "Maybe sex is a factor that differs between these relationships? Like you don't desire a sexual relationship with these older father figures but you do with boys your age?" And I was just confused (also it's not true). It was out of pocket to say that to me in front of the whole group. Strawberry stepped in and said that's not what I was saying. I love her for that. I talked to my therapist (let's call her Ms. E) about what she said to me and she said that it wasn't in line of her to say that. So at least Ms. E agreed. I just don't know why Strawberry's therapist said that.

I met with Apple on Sunday and we had a really good time. She told me she smokes regularly and that really surprised me. She would never smoke with me when we were best friends. But we went to Plato's Closet and got coffee. She also did my hair with her dyson air wrap. It looked so good! I'll attach a picture down below.

I've been working a lot lately and I think it's good for me? I've been very tired as well though. It's fine though, I'll live. At work on Wednesday, I feel behind with all my work. I got help from the stylists which I appreciated a lot. I've gotten quite a few tips, too! I got a $10 tip yesterday.

I've been hanging out with Strawberry a little bit less because I've been working and I think it's been good for our relationship because I'm finding her less irritating now. Although I still fucking hate her ex boyfriend that she still talks to. I wish she wouldn't sabotage herself so much. I just want the best for her, but she doesn't seem to want it for herself.

I'm going to an art hotel in Wisconsin on Sunday, if I get off work that day. But I'll go anyway even if I can't get off. I'm really excited to go with my sister and mom. My brother is going to Cabo and then the Bahamas. I'm really jealous because he has rich friends. I used to too, but not that rich.

Thanks for listening,

M

P.S.

Here's a picture of my hair from Sunday! I'm a little apprehensive about showing myself, even if my face is blurred out. I don't want anyone to recognize me, even if it's very unlikely.

[paramorefan999]

i went to the shop and bought your signature pack

i’m only nineteen and i want to feel you again

i stood outside and felt time go by in the form of air

it’s gotten warmer

but i knew you when the chill was biting

i took one out of the pack

i had memorized the way you held it in your lips

so if we ever met again, you’d find your reflection

for now, i will practice

i would’ve waited if you gave me a reason

so now i pine for a life with the purpose of you

[paramorefan999]

i am getting better

i brush my teeth in the morning

i wash my face, my hair, my body

i take my washcloth and i run it over old scars

i think to myself,

“today will not be at all as bad as my days once were”

i take my time in the mirror, i look pretty

i have no doubts about my outfit, it looks perfect

i trace my face in old photos, i cherish and remember her

i put a cd in the stereo and i appreciate the sound

i’m moving on

i have taken the time to get to know every part of me

and i will continue to do so,

just in case i missed a spot

there is no time to worry about yesterday

i close the door and i know with certainty i will come back home