It is way past midnight when Castiel reaches the hospital. "They are fine. Everything will be alright," he repeats like a mantra in his head as he walks to the office of the doctor, who can explain what happened to your family, Mister Winchester, the nurse had said. He takes a deep breath to calm himself and knocks on the door of the man who has the power to break him, to tear his world apart.
He opens the door slowly. „Doctor Lafitte, I´m Castiel Winchester. The nurse said that you could tell me where my family is.“
„I can,“ the doctor confirms and asks him to take a seat. The door closes behind him and it doesn‘t take Castiel much time to realize that his family, his little bumblebee and his husband, aren‘t fine. That they will never be fine again. That he needs to prepare himself. That there is not much time left. That there is nothing they can do.
„Is she… Is my daughter in pain,“ he asks after a while and doesn‘t know if he really wants to hear the answer.
„No,“ the doctor shakes his head. „She doesn‘t feel much anymore.“
„That‘s…“ he starts, but stops because he doesn‘t know whether it is good or bad. He doesn‘t really want to think about the meaning of this so he settles for a nod and takes a deep breath. „What about Dean?“ He tries to hold back his emotions, to calm himself because this cannot be happening, right? This is all just a nightmare and if he believes that enough he will wake up and his family will be there. Right?
„We could stop the bleeding in his stomach,“ the doctor said and before Castiel can thank the doctor for saving the love of his life, he continues, „but there are fragments of the bomb in the area of his heart and we can‘t remove them and he can‘t live with them.“
„What does that mean?“ He asks even though deep down he already knows the answer to that.
„It means that with each beat of his heart the fragments move and when they reach his heart... We won‘t be able to stop it. I‘m sorry. There is nothing we can do at this point except to make their last hours as comfortable as possible.“
It is very quiet after that and Castiel feels like a bomb hit him, too and took everything he has, his heart, his soul, away from him. And in a way a bomb did just that.
„Mister Winchester,“ The doctor interrupts his thoughts and Castiel looks up again. „Would you like to see your daughter?“
He nods numbly and follows the doctor to the hospital room. They walk in and the sight of his daughter breaks his heart. Her body, "60% of her body", the doctor had said, is covered in wounds from the heat of the explosion. There are tubes all around and in her little body and a steady beep echoes through the room, reminding him that she is still alive. But what really means 'alive' at this point anyway?
„You can sit with her.“ Doctor Lafitte suggests as he sees that Castiel is still standing in the middle of the room. „She needs you now more than ever.“ He smiles reassuringly and leaves Castiel alone in his little daughter‘s room, her last room she will ever be in.
He shakily sits down on a hospital chair and starts to pray, for what, he doesn‘t know. It feels wrong to pray for a miracle. To pray for their survival. Emma would never be without pain. Dean would never be himself again. How could he pray for something like that?
He hates himself for hoping that they won‘t have to be much longer on this earth and he hates himself that a tiny part of him hopes that the time will freeze and he can just be with them for an eternity.
„Papa?“ Cas cannot help it and tries to smile and to be strong because he cannot bear the thought that the last face she will ever see is a face full of sorrow and pain. So he smiles and hopes it is convincing and tries to cement it on his face.
„Hey, bumblebee.“ He whispers lovingly like it is a normal night, like he had said it in the past.
„I am scared.“ She mumbles tiredly.
„I know, baby girl, but I am right here.“ He kisses her hand and tries to ignore the wounds. „Nothing bad can happen to you.“ He whispers and his voice breaks as he says, „I‘ll always be there for you.“
„I love you, papa.“ She smiles and is calmer than before.
„I love you, too, bumblebee.“ He takes her hand in his and tries to memorize how it feels like, tries to convince himself that this is enough for a lifetime.
When she closes her eyes for the last time in her too short life, Castiel knows that it will never be enough.
He doesn‘t know how long he sits there, just holding her hand and praying that her chest would rise again and she would open her eyes again. She never does.
Some time later, minutes, hours, Castiel doesn‘t know nor care, he sits besides his husband on a chair and waits. Waits for Dean to wake up. Waits for someone to tell him that this is all just a cruel prank or mistake or something else. He tries not to think about the possibility that there is a world where his family doesn‘t exist anymore and tries to hold on to his mask because "Dean needs to rest, Mister Winchester. Stress is dangerous in his condition," doctor Lafitte‘s words echo through his head.
„Hey, Angel,“ Dean‘s voice is barely above a whisper, but for Cas it is the best sound he has ever heard.
„Hello, Dean.“ He whispers back, hoping this is the miracle he has hoped for. The miracle that would stop the time. Dean's mouth curved into a smile and he caresses his thumb over Cas‘ hand. The gesture, so normal, that Cas can‘t help it and let his smile reach his eyes.
„What do you remember?“ „I… I was walking down the street with Em. She was laughing about something and then I… I don‘t know.“ Terror overtakes Dean‘s face when he realizes that Emma is nowhere to be seen. „Cas, what happened? Where is Em? Is she okay?“ Dean starts to panic and his heartbeat quickens. "With each beat of his heart the fragments move. Stress is dangerous in his condition."
Castiel jumps into action and takes his husband‘s face in his hands. „Emma is fine.“ He lies and is surprised how easy the lie comes when it means that he gets to have Dean a little while longer. He leans his forehead against Dean‘s and looks him deep into his eyes, pleading that he will believe him. „There was a bomb explosion in the bank you passed on your way home. Emma didn‘t get hurt. But you did. I need you to calm down. Please, for me.“
Castiel doesn‘t know what Dean sees in his eyes, how he can convince him that their baby girl is alive and breathing and not cold and dead in the morgue, but he does and Dean calms down.
„Em is okay?“ He asks hopefully.
„Yeah, she is. She is asleep now, but I talked to her before I came here.“
„That‘s good. You know how scared she gets when we don‘t scare the monsters away.“
„Yeah,“ Cas laughs with tears running down his face. „I know.“
„Hey, what‘s wrong?“ Dean asks concerned and wipes the tears from his husband‘s face.
„Nothing,“ Castiel lies, but his voice betrays him and breaks. He shakes his head and tries again. „Nothing," he swallows past the lump in his throat. "I am just so happy that you are alive. I don‘t know what I would do without you.“ He says and means it.
„Come here,“ Dean taps the spot besides him and Cas lays down, his ear on the good side of his husband‘s chest and he hears the steady and faintly heartbeat of the love of his life. „I am not going anywhere.“ Dean assures him and kisses his head. „Love you too much for that.“
With tears in his eyes Castiel lifts his head and looks into his husband‘s eyes and as he sees the determination in there he can‘t help himself and believe him.
„I‘m glad,“ he touches Dean‘s cheek again and his husband leans into it. „Because I love you, too. So much.“
They kiss softly and full of love and Cas whishes they could have this forever.
They break the kiss and Dean smiles brightly at him. Cas lays down again let‘s himself pretend that they aren‘t in a hospital, let‘s himself pretend that everything is alright. After a while Dean breaks the silence.
„Happy birthday.“ Dean whispers and takes his last breath.
I fully blame @cas-watches-over-you for this one ! Please let me know what you think :D!
