a/n: based on this little prompt i wrote back during the new years special. have fun with the angst because that apparently is all i can do now. also two fics in the span of at least six weeks? ahahahahahahaha, i just up and vanished again - really hope my writing funk disappears soon but like ... wygd. so this is part one, because i assignments i need to do and i just wanted to get this out there after a solid four month hiatus.
Have you ever had a crush on someone but you knew that it was almost impossible for you to do anything about it? Every time you saw them, those stupid, awful butterflies would form in the pit of your stomach and would proceed to fly all over the place and you felt like you would throw up? That your body would gravitate towards them without you even realising it, that everything they did you wanted to do as well? Well - that’s how you felt about the Doctor. You strongly knew you shouldn’t because of the whole being an alien and a gajillion years old thing but it was just one big fucking mess.
To say the least.
However, your little human heart couldn’t help it. Your human emotions would always get the better of you. Something the Master had relentlessly teased you about because he saw it before YOU even did. How that rat of a Time Lord saw it always confused you - he had said that it was in your eyes, but the man lied on a good day, so you never wanted to take his word for it. But - you had ended up trying your best to keep your emotions off your face after that. Though, that wasn’t even the most depressing part of the story. Your eyes would always lock on to her frame as she entered a room, watch as she’d float around the console. Your heart would speed up when she would explain plans with her hands and monologue about universes and tell stories (especially about that time she was struck by lightening having fun with Benjamin Franklin.)
To be quite frank with yourself, you were disgusted by the way she made you feel. You had never really been big on having a partner. Never really wanted to be in a relationship - you liked being by yourself too much, hanging out with your family and friends and then coming home at the end of the night to peace and quiet - sleeping in a big bed only shared by your pet. Some would consider that sad, but you always knew that you preferred your own company to that of anyone else's. But traveling with the Doctor for more than a couple of months now, that all seemed to have changed. Your outlook on life had drastically shifted gear, considering the fact that you could probably DIE on these certain adventures - that anytime you stepped FOOT out of the TARDIS, your life was in the Doctor’s hands. You ended up making a will after the first near death experience with the Doctor you ever had.
She made you feel like you could do anything, that you were invincible, that you couldn’t be hurt or touched - that you were under her protection. Then came the touches, the hugs, the hanging off you when telling a story. Holding hands and sharing clothes, being used as a human notepad. It was a really really bad crush (even as much as you tried to fool yourself). You had thought about telling her countless times but it never seemed like the right moment. The way she would look at you when you asked to speak to her but that all changed when Yaz entered the picture.
Yaz would always come and ruin it.
You loved Yaz, you promised you really did - it was the green eyed little alien that lived in the back of your head that made you hate to see her. They would always partner up when you were on a new planet. They would always be the first to have a moment. They would always be the ones to stay up late having tea and talking about the day.
It sucked. Majorly.
You would mumbled under your breath and just stay at the back of the pack. Graham and Ryan hardly noticed - they were too busy with their own lives to worry about yours. It was a shame that the Master was the only one to notice - that was until Dan came along. That’s when everything drastically changed.
“You should tell her you know.” His voice had caused you to jump. You had been standing in the doorway to the console room - head peeking around the corner, watching the Doctor talk to Yaz about something. They were barely a foot apart, heads pressed together almost - looking down at the console.
“Jesus Daniel.” You complained hand coming to rest over your heart. His eyes narrowed at the name, he still hadn’t told you if that was his real name or not (you had been trying to guess his birth name for the last couple of weeks), but a smirk pulled at the corner of his lips, before his own arms crossed over his chest.
“I’m just saying...” Your FULL name fell from his lips and a whine escaped your own. “You’re going to lose your chance.” head tilted in the direction of the console room.
“I never had a chance.” Came the pitiful reply. Dan’s eyes narrowed again. He hadn’t been with the three of you for very long, but in the short spam of time, he had witnessed your TERRIBLE pining. Your longing looks and awful stuttering whenever you got too flustered. The older man snorted before patting you on the back.
“You never know.” He pulled away stepping over the threshold of the console room with a wink, before he turned around and made his way up the stairs. You would as Yaz beamed at him and then drastically started retelling the story the Doctor had just told her. A groan left you, as you fell forward onto the wall once more, your head banging against it for a couple of seconds. Pulling away, you peeked around once more and watched the three of them. Eyes focusing on the Doctor. Her eyes had never once strayed from Yaz’s face, and that god awful heavy feeling in your chest reappeared. This is why you never did romance, never did love - never made yourself openly available to over people. You always ended up getting hurt.
“Where’s...” Yaz lingered off as her dark eyes spotted you just down the stairs. Her smile reappeared (you hated that she made you feel ... comfortable) and the Doctor turned around, her own smile plastered over her pale skin. Then it disappeared and that heavy feeling got heavier.
Oh god, don’t notice.
You thought to yourself, Yaz had waved you up, calling your name followed by “You’ll never bloody believe what this thing does” and you had no choice but to comply. Hands twisted with each other, your eyes now avoiding the Doctor’s, as you came to stand next to Yaz - you forced a smile.
-x-
The planet was cold. Your face had scrunched up at the sudden blast of freezing air once the TARDIS doors opened. You stood just inside the time machine, arms wrapped around your stomach and your chin buried into the fabric of your scarf. You really didn’t want to go out there - you just wanted to go back to bed. Cry about your sorrows and watch Love Actually. Mmm maybe not, that - it might make you feel worse.
The Doctor on the other hand had been ecstatic. Started to blab about the last time she had been on a planet completely frozen, something to do with the Ood and a giant brain. Yaz and Dan however, held almost the same exact facial expression as you - they weren’t too keen about this weather, but Yaz was the first companion off the ship. Of course she bloody was. Your eyes focused on the back of her head, trying to ignore the fact that the Doctor had grasped onto the other woman’s hand immediately and they were off down the hill. Dan looked back at you with a sympathetic look.
“Come on, love, it won’t be that bad.” He tried to comfort you. “You can partner up with me?” Bless him, he really was trying to distract you. So you gave a soft smile, only nodding your head in the direction of the others. You’d follow after - but Dan gave a look as if he didn’t believe you. Eventually when the others had started to notice that you weren’t following them they stopped. Dan still focused on your face. “Oh love...” He sighed before a hand squeezed your bicep. A choked laugh left you, shaking your head quickly you ducked to look at the floor.
“You’re going to make me cry, Daniel.” You muttered.
“Oi, you two!” The Doctor shouted back at you and Dan. Lifting your head slightly, you could see her looking back, while her hand which was still in Yaz’s, was extended. “You can’t just stay in the TARDIS all day!” You let your gaze fall back on Dan. The both of you just stood there for a couple of seconds, before he sighed and let you go.
“Don’t take too long,” He said before he stepped out fully into the cold. “She’ll start to wonder where you’ve gone.”
“Promise,” You mumbled. “Just - need to get some gloves.” You lied. Dan sighed before he turned around and trailed after the others. Taking a deep breath in, you buried your hands into the pockets of your massive jacket. “I hate this,” You mumbled, turning around you came to a sudden jolt when right in front of you was a coat rack, but instead of coats, there were a pair of gloves. A soft smile spread across yours lips, you looked up at the ceiling of the TARDIS. “Thanks old girl.” Grabbing the gloves, you slipped them on before you turned around again and followed after the others - wrapping your scarf and jacket closer to your body.
You took your spot at the back of the group - the three of them all walked in a line, that was until the Doctor had noticed. “What are you doing back there?” The question almost made you jump, looking up, the Doctor had stopped - turned around and gave you a pointed look. Your name fell from her lips, before she leaned forward, grabbed a hold of your hand and pulled you next to her. “No one is to walk at the back.” She gave you a pointed look and you couldn’t help the blush that rushed to your cheeks - you were glad that it was a SNOW planet, can just blame the weather for that one. You fell into step with her.
Her hand was about the same size as yours, which made holding it easy. Looking down at your hands, fingers laced between yours. “Don’t want to lose anyone.” The Doctor finished her voice sounding so close to your ear.
How could you tell this crush of yours to fuck off.
