Dec 2, 2023
In chipotle
Me: carnitas for 10.00?? Little meats should have little prices!!
Partner: *dies in chipotle*
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In chipotle
Me: carnitas for 10.00?? Little meats should have little prices!!
Partner: *dies in chipotle*
Me: "I love you 🥰"
Partner: "You should, I made you wontons"
Me: "You know what the best thing you ever made me is?"
Partner: "Orgasm?"
Me: "...happy."
Partner: "instead of saying I'm not a virgin, I'm gonna say I'm less valuable for sacrifices now"
Me: *sneezes*
Partner: fuck you
Me:...
Partner: oh my god that was a reflex, I'm so sorry
My partner picked up a nerf gun at our friend's house and shot me point blank with it
The gun wasn't filled with nerf darts
It was filled with rocks and modified to shoot like a paintball gun
They shot me POINT BLANK in the arm with a high velocity rock
FUCKING OW
Partner, wielding a pillow: "I WILL DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU LOVE"
Me: "aww, don't destroy yourself"
Partner: "... can you love me less, just for this pillow fight?"
Me: "No!"
Partner: [Smacks me across the face with a pillow]
Me: "Never mind! Done!"
Me: I'm dating a monster
Them: and monster is gender neutral!
Me: you know what else is gender neutral?
Them: PAIN
Me: if your voice had a font it would be "you can't be serious"