#parts stuff

[lost-amongst-the-stars]

The past couple days, Wasting Away by Tonight Alive keeps popping into my head even tho I haven't listened to it in ages so I'm guessing it's communication from another part.

And so the sky becomes a dream I never dreamt, because I'm just too busy Waiting for nothing and wasting away And so the sky, it watched my dreams Fall to pieces right in front of me 'Cause I'm just too busy Waiting for nothing and wasting away

[clever-and-unique-name]

So last night I was talking to husband for a while, a conversation that meandered between several parts of both of us. And at some point he said some things that made me pretty upset, which usually leads to me shutting down and not being able to speak.

Except at that point it was mostly Jynx on our side, so he kept talking, and was able to communicate the upset even though he scoffed and rolled his eyes about "Yeah so that hurt my stupid feelings" etc.

...which was even more funny when husband was like "So put on your Jynx voice and tell me what's up" and Jynx says "Why do you think I'm still able to talk at all, asshole"

Anyway, things got talked about and are fine, but it was incredibly amusing to get called out like that. Jynx was a bit smug because "See, he knows who will tell it to him straight." Annnd he's right.

[paradoxesofgalaxies]

It's like I've forgotten how to know who I am. Like I've forgotten how to communicate with other parts.

I am just here in the abyss. Floating along in blank stillness. Unable to connect.

I feel fine. I'm ok.

... except for waking up each morning with a jaw sore from clenching, needing active focus to release. Except for the horrid tension in our shoulders that requires constant management to avoid more severe pain. Except for the many ways our body continues to keep the score.

[symptoms-syndrome]

How do you feel about your most recent therapy session? Anything you wanna share about that, or your therapist, or anything? (If not, feel free to ignore xD)

Oof haha. I mean I do kinda wanna talk about it so this gives me? A good excuse to.

Under the cut just in case I wanna not have it up anymore LOL

I've been dipping my toes into inner world stuff the past few sessions, which is really scary territory for me for a few reasons.

It's been better than expected, which is nice. I mostly just. Close my eyes and picture stuff and sometimes tell my therapist what I see (which is, to me, the most awkward part.)

I have a "safe space" and a "meeting space," which are supposed to be distinct. My meeting space I made a diner and modelled it after a diner I used to go to a lot as a kid. It's pretty cute if I do say so myself. Standard 50s style thing with booths and a bar (the kind for food, not alcohol. Not sure if there's a name for those.)

Kind of like this, I'm not sure if you'd have the same cultural reference point bc I feel these kind of diners are distinctly American

(picture from Google images LOL)

I struggled for a while with how I wanted to make my "meeting space" look, because I associate like. Traditional meeting rooms with being in trouble haha. Conference tables and any of that. I like the bar because there isn't the pressure to make eye contact like sitting across from someone.

I (or Tomas, rather) did our first like. Intentional use of the meeting room last session, our therapist told us to just "open an invitation for anyone to show up who wants to." I was worried about it a lot. Only Aslan, a small part showed up though. He seemed content to just hang out which was nice.

I'm kind of surprised to learn that Tomas is good with kids. He handled him really well. I didn't think he'd be like. Bad at it but I guess I haven't been privy to him interacting with any small parts.

We didn't have time for a lot. And I felt I shared less with my therapist than I would like, but I guess I (or he) didn't feel comfortable being too open about things yet. Even though Aslan really wanted to be.

I really appreciate my therapist though. They're also nonbinary and a POC AND they grew up JW so they Get Stuff I find hard to explain sometimes. They make me feel like. Comfortable a lot of the time and make sure I know they're open to feedback.

[lost-amongst-the-stars]

I've noticed an uptick of denial lately that I think traces back to the email from our uncle. In the days that followed that email, doubts began creeping back up that maybe we're wrong about what we've "remembered". Maybe he wasn't actually involved in the abuse. Maybe we're just confused. Etc.

And in the weeks since, I've noticed a lot more denial than we had been dealing with previously. I'll see something we'd previously written about specific traumas and immediately be met with a flood of thoughts questioning the veracity of what was written. Maybe we misremembered. Maybe we're looking for traumas that never happened. Maybe we made it up. So far, I'm doing pretty well at pushing back and countering the denial, but it's been intense at times.

[lost-amongst-the-stars]

I've been cut off internally for awhile now. Attempts to look inwards feels like looking at static (probably at least in part influenced by the ever present tinnitus). Bean still comes out to see S, but otherwise it's just me with no awareness of other parts. And I don't know if it's bc of trauma/parts stuff or if it's a response to the symptoms of IH and the med side effects. Either way, it's eerily quiet inside

[lost-amongst-the-stars]

30 Days of DID

1. When and how did you find out you have DID?

In 2018, as the abuse at the Manor escalated, our DID became impossible to ignore. Losing hours then days then weeks of time. Evidence of things we'd done that we couldn't remember. The tipping point came when we were arrested for actions we couldn't remember even after seeing video evidence. However, we weren't really able to start understanding any of it until we'd left the Manor.

What's wild is we were already aware of DID and suspected our husband had it (he does) but hadn't been able to see it in ourselves.