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sometimes, in my most uncharitable moments, i wonder if they constructed something so ridiculous on purpose to make sure that no one would ever believe us if we told.

#this is almost certainly not the case i fully believe that mostly they were making it all up as they went along. but i also can't help but #consider every possible angle & that certainly is one of them. its almost to neat though ohhh it secretly was all part of some evil master #plan all along... NOT true! its not that there was no intentionality and it was accidental either im actually pretty convinced at this poin #that they just never took it all that seriously even though it was all on purpose. which is devastating to think about for its own reasons.#pavilions

oh wow! everything feels easier here! just like i feared.

#at the parents house for father’s day weekend. feeling enveloped by miasma. as soon as i walked in the door i felt a kind of #bone-melting relief spread through my entire body and thought something along the lines of ‘oh thank god i’m finally home i can stop #pretending and stop pushing myself so hard i don’t even have to go back to the city if i don’t want to it’s so nice here 😊’ INSIDIOUS.#that’s the best word i can think to describe it. incredibly insidious. well at least i was able to internally identify it as such a moment #later when my dad (right on cue) was like ‘so when r u coming back home? :)))))’ neverrrrr never ever ever in a million yearssssss. but it #has been nice to see him and my mom and my siblings & i am as previously stated NOT staying more than the two days. so really it’s fine. bu #i did really freak myself out for a moment there. girl we are better than this….#pavilions

mysterious benefactor having access to you: wow this is really strange and scary

no longer having access to the mysterious benefactor: well when you think about it the mysterious benefactor did have a certain je ne sais quoi….

#ruminating on my stupid stupid fake sounding life at 10 pm on a thursday. THIS DOES NOT BODE WELL.#but occasionally i can’t help but think on where certain paths lead. and what i could’ve been if they’d led me anywhere but here. version o #me who went to that crazy boarding school. version of me whose parents let this guy take me away to germany. all of them assuredly miserabl #but in different and likely more chic ways than i am now.#pavilions

some evils are banal and then some evils make you sort of tilt your head to the side like a dog and say well that sure was odd. that was pretty strange. now why would you do that?

#many many such cases!#it’s just weird. it’s just all truly deeply weird.#pavilions

lighter note: i think it’s funny how my urge to talk about it all publicly has won out somewhat but i still really really really do not want to share anything specific so instead im just in here traumaposting like: Events Have Occurred. In My Life.

#and the thing is they have. they certainly have.#i’m not having a crisis of any kind so if you see these don’t worry this is stuff i contemplate a lot that i just don’t often #make posts about on tumblr.com. like these are pretty standard thoughts for me to be having on a tuesday night.#and yes the journal factory DID explode. it’s a great tragedy that we should all take a moment of silence for #pavilions

because what it all really comes down to is that it’s fake. like not just unbelievable but unreal in such a tangible way (i know i know bear me and bear with me on this) that i cannot really fathom anyone treating it as real no matter how they act or what they say. and i’m aware that’s crazy and cuts off potential support and care for myself but how can i expect someone to take a series of events so fictitious and treat them as anything but that? already an experience that is treated as an impossiblity and erased at every turn in every discussion to preserve people’s comfort + even in spaces where it is safe to discuss parts of the scenario are treated like something only conceived in the context of writing stories about it + absurdly dramatized and symbolic actions made with the express purpose of being dramatic and symbolic + constant clearly articulated and repeated statements of motivation for basically everyone involved + no evidence barely any consequences zero trace of it at all outside of the minds of people who were there + environment of isolation + generally really good quality of life for myself and my siblings during and after + the positive and loving relationships that have evolved because of/despite it = can’t expect much to be done about things that only happened in storybook land now can you?

#nothing happened and nothing will happen me and my brother and sibling will just spend happily ever after passing whose currently #experiencing psychosis back and forth like a hot potato it’s fine it’s literally FINE. and my life. is a beautiful one really. so i don’t #know why it bothers me so much. shouldn’t be bothered about something so fake.#pavilions

i know believing your #trauma is #unique and that no one else has experienced anything like it ever and thus you will never be believed or understood is essentially the number one trap everyone trying to reckon with their experiences falls into. even still. genuinely who else could this have possibly happened to. not really individual moments or behaviours those are definitely things that exist out there somewhere else butlike. the cumulative events. the narrative. ive just never heard or read or seen anything like it happening anywhere else to anyone else.

#this sounds facetious and self involved i know but i fear im being completely sincere. fuck my stupid unrealistic life.#the answer to this of course is my siblings hashtagmysiblings but that’s still only two other people yknow #and that is why they r two of the most important people in the entire world. write that down and remember it.#pavilions

2026 Venice Biennale National Pavilions: See Every Country's Artist

The central attraction at the Venice Biennale is its main exhibition, a curated show meant to pinpoint a dominant theme in art as it stands right now. But all around it are pavilions staged by countries, with each nation selecting one or more artists to mount their own show or installation. These national pavilions have contributed to the common conception of the Biennale as the art world’s…

#Artist #biennale #countrys #National #pavilions #Venice

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