#pbthoughts

[heavensigh]

House hunting isn't fun when you can't afford anything. We might have to rent after all, but everything is so tiny and overpriced. I have like 5 choices with my price range.

[heavensigh]

I swear when Fire Emblem: Three Houses comes out I will be taking a 3 day holiday. I’m already stashing away money for a maid and will be pre cooking my meals a day before so everything will be set!

[heavensigh]

In the last few months I’ve bought like 3 games and honestly, I’m not interested in playing any of them. I don’t even want to sour my palate before Three Houses comes out. I just want to play that game, everything else, pales in comparison right now. I will have nothing to chew on while I wait for this game.

I guess its a good thing. I can focus on work and exercise more. 

I don’t want it to feel like I’m “waiting” but damn, that’s exactly what I’m doing. Maybe I need a life?

[heavensigh]

Goals for 2019

Some of my goals for 2019:

1. Get another facial piercing (nose)

2. Dye my hair some crazy color (purple then blue)

3. Where thigh highs so I can enjoy all my dresses and shorts in the winter

4.Get out of debt

5. Finish my story

[heavensigh]

I’ve been a housewife for 2 years. I quit my sucky job back then and focused on my first property. Now I’m deeply in debt and I can’t live like this anymore. Sure, Chu makes enough for us to tread water but I feel like I’m bound. So little coming in, so much coming out. I hate being that family member who has to skip out on all major holidays because I’m working my way from out of debt. No vacations, no gifts no nothing. I never have it and its been like this for years. I can’t bring any of this into 2019. I refuse.

So I’m getting my real estate license. I start school in Sept. Two black women that I networked with have offered me jobs, training for while I’m in school. I’m grateful, I really am but I had a mini attack over it all today.

Going from 0 to 100mph and I don’t want to drop the ball, or mess this up. Chu was very understanding, saying if it doesn’t work out then it doesnt. But I want to try for our family. This isn’t my passion, I’ve been numb throughout this whole thing to it all. I’m just running on logic and I suppose that’s okay. I don’t have to have my heart into everything I do. There will be some things I just won’t like and it still needs to get done.

I’d die in this glass cage I’ve built for myself. My tolerance is low and my willpower is pretty much nonexistent. Still, its a major change and I have to just grit my teeth. So many failures, so little to show for most of them. I know in the future I’ll be ready to try again. But for now, I’ll just jump through the hoops, and pray that I’ll give a damn later. I’ll try. Really try. That way if it all goes wrong, it won’t be my fault.  

[heavensigh]

The time has finally come

I gotta sleep with a second pillow under me. Spine is screaming when I lie on my stomach without it. I gotta get a new mattress.

[heavensigh]

I have finally stopped deluding myself into thinking that I can fix size M leggings. I wear L with comfort now and I am at peace.

Today I feel like literal garbage. First day of period and I could honestly drink a whole river and sleep for 500 years. I'm hot, I'm cold,I'm uncomfortable and this morning Chu asked me a simple question and I honestly felt like hitting him with a shovel. I have a meeting with the landscape guy today and I know I can't afford whatever quote they give me. But I'm tired of battling the weeds alone but I will miss the ladybugs. It is there time to shine.

I will have to make time this weekend to write about my Alaska trip. Maybe.Maybe.maybe...

A new firm poked me to see if I was still interested in their job posting. I had an mental block about being comfortable at my current job and wanting more pay. Then this morning they denied my application. Okay.

My Father-in-Law is mad at me and I could kind of care less. The incident happened months ago. Grow up old man.

I'm mad about my hair. I wait and wait for this highly review braider in my area only to get subpar service and style. I deserve to wear this style for a whole month and some change...until I learn to trust my intuition.

Doing taxes this weekend. Down to the wire. After that I just want to sleep and play my new save on Fire Emblem

There is a rage in me that is slowly building. I should probably go to the gym today and handle that.

What is even the point of sea moss and MG? I still have cramps.

[heavensigh]

Its been a while since I journaled...so lets get into it.

I started my period 3 days early and I’m not sure what that means. I have been eating healthier so that could be it. Not yesterday, I had about 3 donuts yesterday and a second helping of dinner. I blamed it on my period. For when I bleed...I hunger...?

I got a new workout coach. Its a woman this time and she seems nice. She has me doing a little cut to get my body fat percentage down and I don’t think I’m doing a good job at tracking my calories. Its been about 3 days and its time consuming. Practice makes perfect I guess. I’m pretty much starting back at the starting line so might as well make my mistakes now and get them out of the way.

Chu went to get his labs done last week and he is finally sperm free. We’ve been at it like rabbits and my period is still on time. I’m so happy. This is one of the best decisions we made.

Launching the new store today. Chu showed it around to some guys at work and now I got all this feedback. Psh, where was it when I was in the design phase?! I gotta go back and make the corrections and I’m still unsure on the price but I’m going to let it be and see what the market says. I might take it lower.

Work is fine. I got a new position. Turns out I’m still really green as a paralegal. The attorney I was working for has a heavy case load and is awful about time management. They were a huge source of stress. I did a review meeting with the partners and it seems like they are unsure on where to place me. Especially now that they are short one attorney. So my schedule has changed. I come in 5 days a week now. It hasn’t hit me yet because my pay is still the same but I am looking for a new job. My goal this year is to increase my salary by at least 10k. I’m also looking into project management? Google has a course on it and I’ve always been attracted to the concept. Law is cool but I don’t want to be an attorney. And what's the point if I don’t aim for the top?

This week I’m just going to focus on getting a sale and quieting the voices of creating new business plans.

Finally got my new car back but the insurance wants to send an investigator to check it before they okay any more repairs. I have a full write up from the repair shop so I’m going to go through the whole thing with them while they are here. It better be a smooth process or they are going to hear it.

I’m still sitting on my ankles but I’ve been reminding myself to sit properly throughout the day. 

 I hope it pops off for me soon. I’ve been getting really tired as of late.