Character death (but like this is all after the fact).
A/N: Im having a really bad night alright.
The video is uploaded on a Tuesday morning, around 3 am and it seems to be waiting for all of them when they wake up.
MATTHEW N. PEAKE UPLOADED A NEW VIDEO
And just under that,
“My Vows To A DeadMan // July 2017”
No one watches it until they’re all together, even the boys from the bungalow come to the office. Jacob is the only one to have seen it- having been awake when it was uploaded. He stays to watch it with them again but does lean into Bones’ presence and his eyes are already a little red and misty.
It was still really raw for all of them- Adam’s death. Of course Matt was rattled the most, and they all knew today was going to be the hardest sense his death. Matt had emailed in his request for vacation time weeks ago, and no one had seen or heard from him since last Tuesday when he went home.
The wedding invite still sits in Elyse’s drawer at home… She can’t bring herself to throw it away. Something too final about it for her to stomach.
=
The video is shot looking at their- Matt’s bed, the blankets thrown about, only one pillow on the entire mattress. The lighting is soft, it must have been filmed early in the morning- which would make sense going on how Matt looked. He’s sitting on the edge of the bed, sitting towards the camera but his head is bowed- he seems to be sighing.
He looks up slowly, his hair is a mess and his beard seems even more unruly than normal, (the grey patch bigger than James remembers it being) but overall he just looks tired. Elyse can’t help but give a soft smile at the sight of Adam’s worn and faded OverWatch t-shirt. It hangs off of Matt sightly.
“You’re dead.” Matt’s voice is startling in a way. He sounds resigned, but the way he’s wringing his hands together gives away his facade.
“I wrote my vows the day you dropped to one knee and asked me to marry you.” Matt’s not looking at the camera, more so giving sad glances over the room as he speaks. He’s obviously written this out beforehand.
“You asked me to marry you on a Tuesday afternoon.” There's a fleeting smile before dropping off as Matt looks at his hand. Lawrence feels a long pang in his chest at the sight of Matt twisting his ring on his hand. (They had all tried to get him to take it off, to move on, but… Matt had always been a force to be reckoned with).
“It was… It was an unremarkable day. We lounged on the couch watching the Avengers again, and you paused the movie. Told me to ‘sit and wait’.” Lazy air quotes are made before sliding back into Matt’s lap, “You came back and spent 10 minutes rambling on and on about making a decision and honestly… I kinda thought you were talking about dinner.” Matt laughs, quiet and solemn, but it's a laugh nonetheless.
“Eventually I told you to get it together and you just dropped to one knee, pulled this ring out of nowhere.” Matt stares at his ring for a long moment before continuing.
“You looked at me and asked me to marry you and when I said yes I had never been so sure of anything before.” Matt sighs and goes to stand. The video has a couple edits showing Matt pacing before sitting back down.
“I wrote my vows that night. I wrote them in my head and perfected them before you woke up the next morning. So… Today I was supposed to say my vows to you, so I guess I’ll settle for doing it like this.”
There’s a soft piano song playing behind it, and Jacob takes a deep breath- leaving everyone else to mentally prepare. The light is a big more full and it’s clear Matt did this all in natural time.
He’s got a blanket wrapped on one shoulder and across his lap as he begins to speak,
“Adam Kovic- You, are a mess. The first time I met you, you were drunk and asking me why we called a Hotpocket, a Hotpocket. You tested me from the first time I met you.”
Matt laughs and there’s a group quiet chuckle from the office.
“In college I was hit by a car, I had temporary amnesia- it only lasted 2 days but it was enough time. In that 48 hours I had the wonderful chance to get to do something most people never can do. I was lucky enough to fall in love with you twice.” Matt swallows shakily and starts looking around the room- moreso looking up and Bruce realizes he’s trying to keep himself from crying. (For some reason that hurts worse than anything he’s said).
Matt’s voice is watery and less put together as he talks, “I love you, Adam. More so than any cheesy metaphor or rom-com can explain.” There’s a lingering pause, and it’s very clear Matt’s letting the tears fall now. Not bothering to even wipe them away.
“You didn’t want me to quote any Bible verses, and that will forever be our biggest fight-” It’s clear that was supposed to be a joke when it was written, but now it’s just filled with longing and true unadulterated sadness, “So naturally I found a Shakespeare sonnet quote.”
Matt’s voice wobbles and cracks more, ““For I have sworn thee fair, and thought thee bright. Who art as black as hell, as dark as night.”
The video cuts and Matt has his head in his hands and slowly raises it to make eye contact to the camera,
“I love you Adam. Love. Not loved. Never loved. You were- and still are my best friend. The person i talked to at 4 am when I couldn’t sleep, and the person I used as a human pillow on long flights…” Matt tugs the blanket a little closer, pulling around his shoulder.
“I can’t sleep on my side of the bed anymore,” Matt looks at the empty side without a pillow, “It feels wrong for your side to be cold.”
Matt seems to be shrinking in on himself with every word, but looks at the camera with round sad eyes, filled with tears- most spilling over easily.
“So, Adam Kovic, here on this day I say to you- I love you and I do.”
Matt tugs the blanket closer and rolls over- back to the camera as he lays his head on the pillow on Adam’s side of the bed. Before the video cuts out it’s clear he’s shaking, and there’s a few quiet sniffles.
=
They don’t talk about the video when Matt comes back.
In fact they don’t talk about Adam at all.
How much they miss him or how much they hate his absense.
His desk stays as is, the videos that had him still cycle out.
But no one talks about it. No one talks about the empty spot on the Dude Soup couch. Or the fact it takes forever to find a permanent 3rd person for Demo Disk.
But most importantly- no one brings up Adam and Matt. No one talks about how even after a year Matt still trips up and uses present tense, or how he still wears his ring. How he won’t move apartments, despite his being too big now.
one. still love great romancing. rate it gay out of ten. love that angst. its great. oh my gosh. two. prompt, 'things you said when you were scared' with a ship? idk ignore this if u can but i still love some adam/peake or bruce/peake. my love is insatiable. maybe all three. idk. you do your thing, you know best. i love your writing no matter what.
(thank you for being here p much always. i rate you a gay out of ten as well. this one goes out to you <3 some baby fakehaus bruce/peake/adam with peake as their early days hitman handler.)
18. things you said when you were scared
It’s been three days. Their phones are turned off. They’re not answering their burner phones.
It’s been three days. Matt gave them this job. It was supposed to be simple. Target someone, take them out quietly, come back home. Instead, Matt paces back and forth in Adam and Bruce’s one bedroom apartment in the worst part of town worrying the skin at the edge of his fingernails. He’s barely slept, barely eaten, hasn’t left the place.
They can’t be. They’re not. They just ran into complications.
He’s gotten in touch with a few of his underground contacts who told him they’d call him back. So far, no one has.
Matt is scared. He hasn’t been scared in a long time. Right now, he’s scared.
The door opens at midnight. Matt hasn’t locked it because he’s probably more dangerous than anything else that could come through the door but now, he feels a spike of panic down his spine. He’s scared again.
The hinges creak, light spilling into the dark living room. He hears the heavy sound of footsteps, sees the outline of two figures. The light in the room switches on.
They’re back. Bloodied and smudged with dirt and soot but they’re back. Back and here and alive.
Adam meets his eyes, seems startled by his presence. Says, “You’re still here.”
Bruce kicks off his shoes by the door and walks over to the couch, throws himself onto it next to Matt. Exhales deeply. “Jesus, what a job.”
Matt lifts an eyebrow, clenches his jaw.
Adam kicks the door shut, walks over to the coffee table and dumps their bag onto it. It rattles with loose ammo. “Thanks for house-sitting.”
Matt blinks at him. Bruce has switched on the TV already.
Forcefully, over the voices on the TV, Matt says, “Adam.”
Adam’s back straightens at his name, at the tone Matt uses. He opens his mouth twice before saying, “Sorry.”
Matt snatches the remote from Bruce’s lap and turns off the TV. Bruce goes to complain but the look Matt cuts him with makes the words die in his throat. Matt says, just as forcefully, “Bruce.”
Sighing, Bruce says, “I’m sorry, Matt.”
Matt resists the urge to clench his jaw again. Instead cuts his eyes to Adam, motions him over. Adam goes with little resistance, sitting on Matt’s other side, effectively sandwiching the three of them together.
Adam starts, “The target had bodyguards, Matt. We had to stake them out for a while, and it was—”
Matt effectively shuts him up by leaning in suddenly, kissing him hard, bruising, branding. When he pulls away, Bruce’s mouth is open, looking at them. Matt leans over and gives him a similar kiss, stating intent, staking claim.
When he pulls away, Matt says, “Never do that again. Never disappear like that again.”
Bruce takes a second before he nods, dumbfounded, while Adam shifts next to Matt, stifling a giggle.
Adam asks, “Does that mean we’re still in trouble?”
Matt settles back down on the couch, stuffed between the heat of both of them, feeling like he might calm down from just their proximity. Says, “You bet.”
S/O to Bruce on his stream last night saying, “Matt (Peake) only really likes Kovic”.
Matt can’t sleep without Adam at this point. Especially in their apartment, in their bed.
Matt tries- he really does, but there's something about the way the mattress sits without Adam’s weight that leaves Matt uncomfortable. And the nights where Matt can fall asleep- he seemingly always wakes up and catches himself reaching for Adam’s side of the bed- hand grasping at the cold sheets instead of his boyfriend.
It’s only for 6 months, which isn’t that long compared to the 10 years they’ve known each other and the 6 years they’ve been dating.
And Matt is happy for Adam- he really is. Matt knows how hard Adam worked to get this internship with Bethesda. And whenever they talk- either on skype or through short phone calls and texts- Matt knows Adam is really happy.
So Matt doesn’t say anything.
He doesn’t mention that he spends every waking second panicking for Adams safety and willing him to come home.
Matt doesn’t mention the fact he’s operating solely on caffeine and the sleep he gets when he finally passes out from exhaustion.
=
They had both agreed before Adam left that it would be stupid to visit each other.
“It’s only 6 months, no point in wasting the money.” And at the time Adam had said this, Matt had agreed. But now it’s 3 months in and Matt just finished snapping at Omar over nothing and Matt feels like garbage.
“Omar…” Matt lets his shoulder sag and he rubs a hand over his face and into his hair- Matt is glad to see Omar offering a smile when he looks back up.
“You’re stressed out- it happens to the best of us.” And Matt just nods along with what his friend is saying. Matt knows it’s probably the fact he’s running on barely any sleep and has been for months- but he doesn’t say. Won’t say. No need to bother anyone else with his stupid problem.
No need to risk bothering Adam with his stupid problem.
-
5 months in and Matt can’t eat anymore- the smallest thing upsets his stomach and he shies away from lunch invitations and offers to hang out outside of work. He just can’t seem to do it.
No one really seems to notice and/or worry- sometimes Matt does this. Retreats into himself and with Adam being gone it doesn’t seem to surprise anyone- so they let him be.
There’s only 22 days left until Adam is coming home- and Matt will be able to rest and it’ll be fine.
(Matt can’t stop worrying about him- if Adam doesn’t reply to a text within 10 minutes Matt is on the verge of a panic attack. And it’s irrational he knows, but it’s still happening and Matt just wants Adam to come home.)
22 days- he can do 22 more days.
-
They want to extend his internship.
Another 6 months.
“What do you think?” What does Matt think? Well he thinks he’s going to cry but they are on skype so he averts his gaze and sighs. Matt knows Adam wants this, but Matt also wants to fucking sleep for more than 3 hours over 4 days.
“Sounds like a fantastic opportunity.” Matt tries to sound enthusiastic- and it must work because Adam is smiling and rambling on about the internship and everything he’s been doing and
Matt falls asleep at the desk.
-
The 6 month mark is when Matt starts getting more grouchy. Adam was supposed to be home by now dammit. And Matt is so fucking upset at himself for being angry about this- Adam had wanted this for years. And here he was wishing Adam was home instead of following his dreams.
He stops talking to people at work, unless he’s needed.
The 6 month mark is also when Matt goes into the doctor to see why the hell this is happening- and expects to leave with sleeping pills. Which he does, but he also leaves with an appointment with a psychiatrist.
-
7 months and he’s got a fucking diagnosis- Acute Adult Separation Anxiety. And when Matt leaves the psychiatrist’s office all he wants to do is call Adam and beg him to come home but the little voice in the back of his head stops him.
Adam is probably better off doing this internship then he would have been at home with Matt.
-
8 months is when he breaks and he’s so upset with himself for it but at the same time he’s so fucking relieved because at least they know.
It’s in no way a major breakdown by normal people standards, but in terms of Matt is a pretty explosive breakdown.
It was the middle of the day and someone had mentioned Adam and… well Matt just ends up on the couch just sobbing, curled in between Bones and Omar- Matt thinks he’s explaining but he doesn’t know if he does it cohesively or not. Matt knows he leaves out the diagnosis- something about it makes him feel childish.
“I’m just really fucking tired.” Matt mumbles out, he’s mostly calmed down and Bruce is there now while Bones runs a hand through Matt’s hair and wow it’s gotten long again. He should take more care of himself, huh.
It’s only when he starts dozing off and hears “something something Kovic” that snaps him back to being wide awake.
“You can’t call Adam- you can’t tell him.” And Matt spends half an hour frantically convincing everyone not to call or tell Adam.
“Okay buddy.” Bruce looks so worried, “We won’t tell Adam.”
-
They’re all a bunch of fucking liars. Adam comes home a week later- quietly dropping off his bag next to Matt’s shoes, toeing off his own and making his way to their bedroom. Matt is laying under the comforter- Adams pillow pulled tightly to his side.
If Adam didn’t know him so well, Adam might have thought he was asleep.
“Go away Bruce, ‘M fine.” Matt mumbles out a second later- never even opening his eyes and Adam held in a laugh. Matt shuffled so his back was now facing Adam- the pillow going along with him.
Adam could feel his lips turning downwards before he even wanted them too- so he slipped off his hoodie, opened the covers and climbed into the bed. It took all of 3 seconds for Matt to let out a frustrated huff.
“Bruce c’mon-” Matt rolled over again and the second he realized who was in bed with him- his entire face seemed to light up and suddenly was wrapped around Adam.
“The boys called me.” Adam mumbles a moment later- something settling in his heart at having Matt back in his arms. Adam could feel Matt tense and Adam pulled him even closer- letting Matt slide a leg in between Adam’s.
“They told me you haven’t been sleeping,” Adam pressed a kiss into the others hair, “Or eating,” another kiss, “Or socializing.”
The bedroom is quiet for a long time after that, only the sounds of Matt and Adams’ matched breathing filling the sounds.
“ Acute Adult Separation Anxiety.” Matt breathes out, “I got diagnosed while you were gone.”
Adam doesn’t say anything in reply- knowing Matt too well. Instead Adam shuffles and has Matt pay his head in the crook of Adam's neck.
“Get some rest okay, baby.” And Matt nods into Adams neck before fisting the front of his shirt gently.
“Please be here when I wake up?” It came out as a question- meek and sad that part of Adams heart breaks and he lays a hand over Matts and gently uncurls his hand from the shirt and into his own hand.
“Of course, Matty.” Adam smiles before placing another kiss onto Matts head and listened contently to the sound of Matts breathing even out.
Twins.
They’re adopting twin boys.
Twin baby boys.
Twin newborn baby boys.
Tiny little beings with fragile bones and wide eyes and Adam is so not ready for this oh fuck what the fuck is he doing?
-
Matt and Adam adopt Sean and Joel, newborn twins. These are their first years
I don't believe in God, but I believe in this shit
6,000 words of trans!Matt. My b?
READ IT ON Ao3
He knows from the second he reads the definition online, that there’s a reason he feels the way he does- and he’s not weird. He bookmarks the page, even though he knows by heart how to find it again, and he buries the link under a fake title in a bookmarks tab he uses for school stuff- and only opens it when no one else is home.
It’s his secret.
-
[Whenever he closes the tab, he tries to ignore the stabbing feeling of that he’s lost something somehow].
-
The first person he ever tells is his mom. And it’s nothing remarkable- nothing planned but it’s not an accident. It’s over two years since he finds the definition, and it’s just her and him in the kitchen- she’s making dinner while he’s providing her some company. And he makes a split second decision to tell her. He’s going to to college next year, and he feels like it’s a now or never situation.
“I’m a guy.”
-
He knows her mom tells her dad that night, he can hear the frustrated yelling through the walls. The confused whisper/shouting match back and forth. He presses himself up against his wall as tight as he can- he clutches his stuffed dog, the one his aunt brought him for his first birthday- and he listens.
“What do we do, Mary?” After a long while of silence, he hears his dad sigh being followed by the sound of two bodys sitting on the couch.
“We support our baby, George.”
-
He stays the weekend with his aunt, and when he comes home his closet is basically empty of all the dusty dresses and skirts- and when he goes into the living room to ask, he finds his mom reading the newspaper while his dad watches the game.
“What happened to my closet?” He asks standing in the doorway, it’s been a weird few weeks- and he can’t help but internally start to panic that they’re emptying his stuff out because they’re going to kick him out. That this is the last leg so to speak.
His mother doesn’t look up from her newspaper article as she replies, “You were never going to wear them so i gave them to Darla. Her daughter is about your size, besides she is struggling a little bit- why not help out?”
He goes to leave the room- before he starts crying honestly, but he lingers for a moment before saying,
“Thank you.”
-
Right after school gets out for Christmas break, his mom and dad take him out- telling him that they wanted the company while going to get groceries.
They end up at a barber- the one he recognizes that his dad goes too- and before he can ask his mom what’s going on, she’s halfway out of the car saying,
“Your hair is getting a little long, don’t you think?”
He leaves with a men #7, and honestly- it feels like he can breathe a bit better.
-
He get’s his first binder for Christmas. It comes from his Aunt, and it’s not wrapped or under the tree- she instead has him follow her out to her car, and she hands it to him with a wink and then vanishes back into the party.
He opens it in his room, and he sits on the floor- just touching it for a long time.
-
He wears his binder for the first time, on the second day back to school. Between everyone focusing on his hair being short, and the large sweater he wears, it’s probably not noticeable to anyone-
Anyone but him.
-
The summer after his Junior year ends- he gets placed on Testosterone-Hormones. And by the end of the summer, there are changes- little ones but there are changes.
The biggest one being the little bit of darkening peach fuzz on his face; (he spends 30 minutes doing a dance in his bathroom for a little bit after he notices it).
Over the summer himself and his parents start the process of getting his name changed. And the only reason it happens is because one night he cries to his mother for an hour rambling about how he didn’t want his diploma to say ‘that other name’ .
-
The new semester starts and he thinks that everyone (With the exception of like 2 people) think he’s a new student- not the same kid they’d all gone to school with sense Pre-K.
-
[Of course people start to figure it out and there is one incident that still haunts him. He had been in the locker room- putting his shoes back on, when two guys he vaguely remembers from his 3rd period seem to appear out of nowhere.
He never tells his mom how he got the black eye or why his shirt was ripped right down the middle.
And he never shows the bruises around his ribs and forearms- from where he was shoved to the floor and violently kicked for over an hour].
-
A couple weeks after that he makes friends with a group of people from his Spanish class.
-
[Within two weeks of making his new ‘friends’ he finds out it was a bet- placed by the kids from his 3rd period. A bet to see who could befriend him the fastest].
-
By graduation, he’s starting to feel really comfortable. Overall he’s got more hair- and his voice is much deeper than before.
And, to everyone’s joy, his diploma doesn’t say the wrong name.
-
The summer before college, his aunt comes to him and offers to pay for a mastectomy- telling him she has talked to his parents and that if he wants to do it- now would be the best time. Not missing school, being able to be cared for.
-
He gets his mastectomy a week after his birthday.
When he wakes up, his chest feels so light- he cries.
-
College starts and his professors call out the right name in class on the first day, and he feels really really good.
-
He ends up roommate-less for about a month, before a girl moves in. He comes back from class to his door half open and a girl in his room, currently putting sheets on the previously unoccupied bed. She offers a wide smile when she notices him.
“The school told me why no one wanted to room with you, and that’s fucking stupid. Anyways- I’m Jess.”
-
Jess introduces him to her friend Adam, and they hit it off right away. After about 2 months of hanging out about non-stop, he thinks that he should have been more surprised when Adam kisses him. When Adam cuts off his ramble about this seasons baseball picks and leans across the couch and cups his face and kisses him. He could be surprised.
But he isn’t and he doesn’t stop himself from kissing back.
-
Their first date is in some shitty arcade where Adam is better at everything, and by the end of it- Adam uses all the tickets he collected and gets a small green bear (which Adam ends up leaving for him on his dresser table).
-
They go on another date about a week later, they go see some shitty movie; they’re the only ones in the whole theater so they make commentary the entire time and Adam laughs so hard his face is bright red.
Adam spends the last 35 minutes of the movie, slowly and gently moving his hand into his. Slowly slotting their fingers together- and never once looking at him. As if he was trying to play it cool (the thought makes him laugh).
By the end of the movie they walk out of the theater still hand in hand.
It’s a wonderful date.
-
Two months into dating, he tells Adam- only because he feels he has too (like dating him has a disclaimer, and he was obligated to tell Adam).
Adam takes the news with a smile and a gentle laugh, and tells him later that before Jess introduced them, she had told him (along with threatening him, “ If you make him sad Kovic, I’ll fucking kill you. He’s so nice, so don’t be a dick. ”)
-
He finds himself falling in love with his dork of a boyfriend pretty fast, and by the time their 6 month anniversary rolls around- he just knows. He can’t explain how he does, but he just knows.
He can feel it settle deep into the pit of stomach as he watches Adam laugh so hard some of his beer comes out of his nose- and he just knows .
He knows Adam is his person.
-
Adam drops out of college later that year, and instantly Adam seems more cheery- it makes him glad. School had been weighing on Adam and he had hated seeing him so tired and empty all the time.
Around that time he and Adam have sex for the first time. They’ve been dating for a year and a half at that point, and god bless Adam Kovic because he must ask him at least 100 times, “ Are you okay?” “Are you alright?”
He is very okay, and very much so alright.
-
[After they’re cleaned up and settled into bed- limbs criss-crossed and their body’s are sweaty and heavy, he says it- out into the air.
‘I love you, Adam.’ And he isn’t disappointed when he gets a kiss to the top of his head and he can feel Adam’s smile.
‘I love you, too.’]
-
[[He sleeps better than he ever has that night]].
-
He graduates that fall; he tries to hide is disappointment when the only family members who show up are his mother, father and aunt.
-
He gets a job for Adult Swim, an assistant editor for one of their shows, and he hates it instantly. He tries to stay positive, he knows how hard it is to get a job out of college so he tries to remain calm and not let everything bother him.
-
Adam spends the next year gently offering him a job at Machinima (which he always just smiles at and shakes his head at).
-
The next time he actually tells someone is years later, after he’s been in Robot Chicken editors hell for about 4 years when Adam ‘invites’ him out to lunch and when he gets to restaurant- Adam is nowhere to be seen, but Bruce is at a table- waving him over.
And the only reason he tells Bruce, wonderful Bruce who’s offering him a job, is because he feels like he has a disclaimer. Like he has too- like if he doesn’t he’s a liar.
And Bruce, wonderful friendly Bruce, just smiles at him and tells him ‘I don’t give a shit whatever you’ve got going on under your pants- as long as you can do your job’.
-
He leaves Robot Chicken later that month.
-
The first major negative reaction he receives in his adult life- is within his first month of being with Machinima. [Of course he’s had negative reactions, but never one on this scale].
The office Christmas party is in full swing and he feels like he’s the only sober person in the entire room (he doesn’t mind being the designated driver- honestly he feels more at peace knowing his friends will get home safe).
He is sitting at the booth- all of his friends on the floor dancing. The party isn’t at the office but at some bar, close enough to the office that most people had just walked over instead of even trying to move their cars.
He’s been sat by himself for a while now, content just to watch as Lawrence bullies Joel into doing body shots- and he finds himself laughing when Sean ends up out doing all of them.
About the time the party is in full swing a couple of guys he recognizes that work in the little space just outside of ‘The Joel Hole’, and he knows they’re drunk.
“Hey there, Rebecca.”
And it’s something out of a movie the way his body tenses up, and his blood runs cold and no one has called him by that name in years. That name is dead, that person is dead.
“Aw, gonna cry like the little girl you are?” And he can’t breathe but between the two guys and him he can’t leave. They won’t let him. His heart feels heavy, and the entire world feels like the moment in-between being thrown into the air and hitting the pool water.
“Everyone in the office knows, you know. Why you think they’re your friends is beyond me.” Jackass A says, and he’s about 2 seconds away from crying- but they don’t stop. They don’t care about him. He doesn’t even care about how they know- he just wants them to leave. That must show on his face because then they’re laughing even louder.
“Yeah, it’s funny!” Jackass 2 says laughing, his beer sloshes and a bit hits the table, “We all get together and laugh at how funny it is that you think they tolerate you- let alone like you.”
The three disappear after that, and so does he.
-
He emails their boss- Not Bruce or Adam, he goes even higher up than that, and he cashes in a week of ‘personal’ time off.
He ignores the calls and texts from everyone- and he feels terribly, terribly guilty for leaving them all at the bar alone- but can’t bring himself to answer the phone.
(Honestly, deep down, he can’t bring himself to feel the guilt- feel anything really).
He spends the entire week in his apartment, curled up next to his bed (he’s not worth enough to lay on the bed).
-
By the 4th day, he can hear Adam and Lawrence pounding on his door, yelling for him to open up. It’s only after they threaten to call the landlord (and then the police) that he grabs his phone and sends them a text message- not proof read and shaky- but he sends it.
11:24 AM
To: Adda-Boi, Larr
MSG:
Imm fine, pleasd leave before my neighbors compain
-
[They leave 10 minutes later, and he pretends to not hear the cracking in Adam’s voice.]
-
He comes back to work the next Tuesday, and acts as if nothing is wrong. As if he doesn’t know.
They never really liked him, he was just a source of entertainment.
A joke.
-
[He pretends that doesn’t hurt as badly as it actually does].
-
He breaks up with Adam a week later. He shows up at Adam’s apartment at 10 PM, crying and it takes him about 30 minutes to get it out but he does. It comes out rushed, and not planned like he had rehearsed it to be, but he knows Adam hears him.
He leaves Adam, silently crying on the couch.
-
Life becomes a cycle after that.
Wake up. Go to work. Ignore everyone. Come home. Drink. (And if he’s feeling real crazy at some point in his schedule he’ll find time to eat).
-
After a month of the breakup, it seems as if everyone has given up on him- no one seems to try to take him to lunch or ask him what’s wrong. No one pats him on the back, or gives him random hugs. No one texts him anymore and it should make him feel better but it doesn’t.
He misses them, he misses Adam. Oh, God, does he miss Adam.
But he enjoys knowing that he’s ruined their entertainment- that he’s ruined the running gag.
He’d rather be alone and sad than blissfully happy and the butt end of their jokes.
-
He learns the names of the jackasses from the bar- Colin and Brett. And the only reason he comes to learn their names is because their boss (the big one) pairs him up to help them with a new show. For the next 8 weeks, he’s on loan to the dickheads and not going to be anywhere near Inside Gaming.
-
After 5 weeks, he just can’t take it anymore. He starts doing stupid shit- it starts by accident but then he doesn’t want to start.
He picks up a pan from the stove without an oven mit- and makes himself feel the pain for a good 3 seconds before dropping it back down.
He starts taking showers only if the water is either too hot or much too cold.
He eats only when the edges of his vision start going blurry
-
He starts to wish he was normal. That he could have been happy as a girl.
[He starts torturing himself by looking at old family photos- the ones from before he told his family.]
-
By the time the project ends and he’s back working with the Inside Gaming crew, he’s lost 20 pounds and he hasn’t slept in what feels like years. He knows he must look like shit because Sean just kind of looks at him his first day back and looks worried.
‘That’s not a look of worry that’s pity.’ His brain corrects and that’s how he finds himself glaring at one of nicest people he’s ever met at 7:45 in the morning. By the time Sean looks ready to talk to him, he’s turning around and heading to his desk- grumbling about edits.
-
It’s 3 months after the break up, and he’s still avoiding Adam. He knows Adam wants an explanation (All he had said that night was ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I can’t do this. Not to you’.)
But like all things, that comes to an end and by the end of the 3rd month Adam corners him and convinces him to talk to him.
“Not here. Not at work. But...I’ll come by after work? To your place?” And Adam looks so small and honestly so sad, he can’t stop himself from agreeing.
-
Adam comes by right from work- but Adam brings his favorite candy. And he feels like such a dick, why did this happen? Why couldn’t he be the person Adam deserved?
-
He ends up exploding, telling Adam everything- and he tries to ignore the sadness mixed with murder in Adam’s eyes as he asks who it was. Asks who did this.
“It doesn’t matter…” He trailes off and for the first time in 3 months Adma touches him, a gentle but firm grip of his wrist. He wants to cry even more now- he didn’t realize how much he missed touch until now.
“It does. It matters to me. Who was it?” And he tells him, and he doesn’t mean to start crying but he does.
He ends up tucked into Adam’s chest- telling him everything. The dysphoria, how he’s sorry he’s wrong , and that he wishes that he wasn’t fucked up because then they could be together. (He pretends he doesn’t hear Adam’s sniffles as he hugs him).
But Adam, strong Adam, just holds him and pets his hair until he falls asleep.
-
The next morning, he’s awake first- still tucked into Adam, a blanket half hazardly draped over both of them and he can’t stop himself from snuggling closer. And he tries to ignore the smile that creeps onto his face at the way Adam relaxes and lets him closer- like he always has.
-
When Adam comes into work the following Monday, he looks ready to murder. He tries to stop his leg from bouncing as he sees Adam gather Bruce and Lawrence.
He tries to calm down and actually get some work done, but soon enough the receptionist is sticking her head in the door and calling for him. He ignores the worried looks from Sean and Joel as he follows her to one of the conference rooms where inside of it sat Adam, Lawrence, Bruce on one side- and on the other side sitting Colin and Brett. At the head of the table sits their boss.
-
The meeting ends up being the beginning of the end because by the end of the month the seven of them (Joel, Lawrence, Bruce, Sean, James, Adam and himself)- end up joining the Roosterteeth family.
-
Things are starting to get better.
-
[He still sleeps beside his bed, on the floor. He can’t shake off the thought of not being worth it to sleep in it- so he just doesn’t].
-
He feels really stupid when he figures it out. He feels so ignorant for not noticing what had developed. But above all he feels really insignificant and out of place.
They’ve all been with Roosterteeth for months now, but it takes catching James and Sean and Joel making out/on top of each other in the kitchen for them to tell him that everyone (and he does mean everyone: Joel, Bruce, Lawrence, Adam, James, (James’ wife Elyse) and Sean) are in a polyamorous relationship.
A relationship that no one wanted to tell him about.
(He doesn’t know why it hurts as bad as it does).
He doesn’t remember what he says to that- he thinks he made his face go blank and then he just turned and started to walk away- but he doesn’t quite remember.
-
[He does, however, remember how he shoved his hands into the pockets of his outermost hoodie- because they were shaking. And he remembers how he packed up his stuff, ignoring how James yelled after him- offering to explain everything- he remembers shoving past him, laptop under his arm as he left the office. Ignoring the concerned questions of what happened and James’ explaining behind him.
He remembers driving to the wrong apartment, before in the moment remembering that he lives with Bruce now. He doesn’t remember driving to the new apartment, or getting inside.
He remembers being curled up beside his bed when Bruce and Lawrence had come inside. He remembers how Bruce pushed the door opened, and how it creaked oh so gently. He remembers Lawrence’s quiet whisper of, “ Oh, sweet boy , no .”
He remembers not talking to either of them, but instead- standing, and by using his body pushing them out of his room, and closing the door on them.
He remembers locking the door.]
-
The next morning he had woken up, moments before his alarm and tried to swallow the instant thought of, ‘ They all love each other- they really don’t need a freak like you around. ’
After getting dressed (wearing the loosest clothes he could find) and debating if he should or should not in fact go to work, (he ends up deciding he needed to go- his moral side winning) he opens his bedroom door for the first time since shutting it on Lawrence and Bruce.
And there they are. Each on a side of the frame, asleep hunched against the wall.
He wants to be mad at them, wants to be upset (and he still is, but it’s dwindled now). And he can’t help but laugh as he uses his foot to awaken Lawrence and the first sound out of the others mouth is a long groan.
“We’re gonna be late. You owe me coffee.” Is all he says when Lawrence looks up at him with a small smile, laced with concern (and maybe just a touch of hope). He smiles wider at the nod Lawrence gives him.
-
When they get into the office, he offers James a smile- but before anyone can say anything he’s at his desk, in full work mode.
-
This goes on for a couple of days. Him only speaking to them when he had a work related question, (and in the case with Bruce- anything rent/needing food related). And eventually- slowly- he starts to chime into their weird conversations.
-
Elyse joins the team and he wants to dislike her. To hate her even. But he can’t.
She’s amazing and he’s glad they all have someone like her.
-
[He wishes he had someone like her.]
-
No one brings up their relationship, and he’s silently glad for it. Even if he has caught them all playing grab-hand or sharing what they think are ‘secret’ kisses. (He ignores the pit of something he’s identified as ‘jealousy’ in his stomach- whenever he sees them).
-
It’s a boring Tuesday, when the office trembles a bit. It shakes his bobble head off the shelf behind him, and it flickers the power out momentarily- but it’s nothing major. (There are groans throughout the office at the loss of power- and therefore loss of unsaved work).
After a moment, almost everyone laughs it off. The lights and their computers coming back to the life. Everything seems undisturbed and normal. But he notices the way Sean hasn’t chimed in, no joke coming from the youngest corner of the room. He stands up from his seat at his desk and can see the white knuckles clutching the edge of the desk, and he drops his headphones onto the table with a soft ‘thud’ and moves quickly- he knows he’s gained some attention but he’s more concerned with the other male at the moment.
He stands to the side of Sean’s desk for a beat before gently calling out his name,
“Sean?” Being up close he can see the gentle tremor in Sean’s shoulders and the way his chest isn’t moving rhythmically like it should be. He can feel everyone now looking this way, he hears Lawrence and Adam both stand up in tandem.
He opens his mouth to call for him again, but a fire truck wails past the open window and it gathers the youngers attention.
“I don’t...I didn’t...I’m s-sorry.” He’s stuttering and it’s like Sean is trying to look at him but is more so looking through him. And, as true to his character, he acts without really thinking.
He gently pries Sean’s hands off the desk, and places them into his own. He crouches in front of him and offers the more sincere smile he can.
“No need to apologize.” He rubs the back of Sean’s hands with his thumbs, and not-so subtlety takes a deep breath (he’s grateful when Sean starts to mimic him). Sean still looks so scared and childlike that he can’t bring himself to walk away.
“Wanna sit with me on the couch? Maybe do a Reddit AMA?” He knows he’s said the right thing when Sean manages to actually look at him and gives a small nod.
(He also can see out of his peripheral vision, how everyone else seems to take a deep breath and relax again).
-
[Sean doesn’t let go of one of his hands the entire time they’re on the couch].
-
They all head out to go to Austin for RTX. They leave a week and half early, to record with Achievement Hunter and to be on the podcast. The flight out to Austin is pretty uneventful (minus the fact he hates flying and feels like he has a 2 hour long panic attack). By the time they get in the sky is dark, and there’s thunder in the distance and he feels some of the stress in his shoulders go.
He really does love Austin.
-
When they get to the hotel, they all take their room keys- he grabs the ones for Sean and him. He gives the spare to Joel- just in case and they all trudge upstairs, everyone being basically dead on their feet, and Matt unlocks the door and let’s Sean go in first and he doesn’t miss the squeak from the other man.
“Uh. There’s only one bed.” Is his oh-so-helpful observation, and he hears Sean’s laugh before he turned serious again,
“Do you mind? If you do I can go find one of the other guys…” And Sean looks so flustered it makes his heart do a flip and he somehow manages to say,
“It’s all good. This benefits me. You’re always warm, so I won’t have to break the heater trying to stay warm.” And he knows again he’s said the right thing because Sean laughs and mumbles something about ‘last time’.
-
[He throws a pillow at Sean for that.
“ Let bygones be bygones !”]
-
[They stay up watching movies, and ordering room service. He’s really glad they don’t have to go to work tomorrow.]
-
[[They fall asleep before he can really process that he’s in a bed]].
-
He wakes up to the sound of the door unlocking, followed by Joel singing and Bruce’s wheezing. It’s a moment later that he wakes up enough to realize he’s cuddling Sean. Moreso, spooning him. He’s got one arm tucked under Sean’s pillow and and other wrapped around the younger's waist. They’re both facing away from the door, and he opens his eyes just enough to see the sun gently falling in from the window and onto the bed right in front of Sean.
“Well.” Joel says, standing at the front of bed, and he looks at him with wide eyes.
“I didn’t-” He starts and goes to move but is caught off by Seans whine and the motion of Sean rolling over and grabbing the front of his shirt.
“It’s too early for this shit.” Sean says, and he wants to laugh- but he just got caught accidently cuddling with his best friends boyfriend.
He and Bruce just have a staring contest for a long moment before the sound of Joel’s phone camera snaps him out of it.
“The boys are gonna love thi-” And he wants to tell Joel ‘no’ but again Sean cuts him off before he can even begin speaking. Sean’s hands retwisting in the grab of the front of his shirt.
“Do you have scars on your chest?”
“Haven’t Adam or Bruce told you?” He looks up from Sean to Bruce where the other is offering what seems to be a sad-tired smile.
“No one outside of Adam and I know. We’ll never tell anyone unless you give up explicit permission to.” Bruce answers and it’s too early for this shit. Much too early for this, and is the room getting smaller or is it just him? And man he jokes about being too cold, but he’s freezing and what day is it because he can’t remember. And they never told anyone? He assumed they would have. Why didn’t they? And what was his hotel room number? Man, has Joel always been so tall? They didn’t tell anyone?
“You gotta breathe, babes.” Joel is crouched in front of him now, and oh he’s not curled up with Sean anymore, he’s instead now pressed against the headboard. Bruce is off to the side of him, hands outstretched and all his mind can think is
‘Bruce is safe. Bruce is safe. Bruce is safe.’
He ends up kind of just throwing himself into Bruce’s chest, he doesn’t really know how long he stays there, just rambling and letting Bruce hold him- but it’s long enough to where everyone else shows up, having wondered why the fuck they didn’t show up to breakfast.
“I’m really sorry. I’m sorry.” And he doesn’t know if he’s apologizing for cuddling Sean, or being a dick, or clinging to Bruce- all he knows is he’s sorry.
“No one is upset with you.” Is all Adam says, sitting beside them, rubbing his back. For some reason the gesture stirs something up in him.
“I missed you.” He doesn’t know why he says it- he blames the fact his brain is overdrive, despite being awake for an hour (at most), “I really miss you and I’m sorry.”
“Why are you sorry?” And it’s an innocent question, from James who is now sitting on the other end of the bed. (He doesn’t see the confused look everyone shoots James, and the gesture James gives back as a ‘lets see’.)
“I..I’m just sorry for everything.” And great now he’s crying. He’s crying into his boss/roommate/friends chest, while all of his co-workers/friends watch. And he can’t stop himself from rambling everything he’s been trying to ignore.
“I’m really sorry I made you guys feel like you had to hide your relationship from me. And I’m sorry for being jealous, I’m trying not to be. I’m really sorry for being so wrong. Different. I’m sorry for not being more. And I’m sorry for cuddling your boyfriend, I didn’t mean too- I swear. I’m really sorry, it just happened. And I’m sorry for freaking out, a lot just happened at once. And- and I just assumed you told everyone, and you hadn’t.” At the last statement he picks his head up and looks between Adam and Bruce- both of which have sandwiched him between them. And he feels his stomach hit the floor at the sight of Adam, his wonderful Adam, silently letting tears drip down his face- even if he is smiling.
“I’m sorr-” And he never gets to finish the sentence because Adam just grabs his face and kisses him. Just like their first kiss- him being mid-sentence and all. And, again, just like their first kiss- the world stops spinning out of orbit and he’s grounded. (He is however aware that he is still basically sitting in Bruce’s lap- but he can’t bring himself to care).
When Adam pulls away- with a soft smile on his face, all he can really manage to say is a very quiet,
“What?”
“We kind of love you, you idiot.” Is James’ helpful explanation, and suddenly the tense air is gone and they’re all laughing.
-
They end up order room service again, everyone finding a way to cram into the room (most of them on the bed)- and he tells them. He tells them the entire tale, from finding the definition to the fact he hasn’t slept in a real bed in nearly 7 months. He tells them details even Adam hadn’t heard before. Tells them about his aunt, and his surgery- he explains what dysphoria is and he explains what taking hormones is like. And by the end of it, everyone is nibbling away on the last bites of food in silence.
“I wasn’t kidding you know. We all do kind of love you.” James says, and it breaks the silence, “We’ve been flirting for months but that apparently doesn’t work. Because we make you share a room with the one person who swoons over you like a teenage girl and all it did was give you a panic attack.”
It’s the way James’ says it, lazy and confident that makes them laugh.
“Well,” He swallows his mouthful of food and looks up with a smile, “I, guess, love you guys, too.”
-
They wait until they get back to L.A. to go on a date, and it takes a while to figure one out but they do eventually and it’s amazing.
It’s at Joel’s apartment, they play the High School Musical drinking game, and have an amazing home cooked meal- made by Lawrence and Elyse and he’s finds himself properly relaxing- for what feels like the first time in years.
-
Somehow the fanbase finds out, and he has a bit of a meltdown. An understandable thing to experience when suddenly all of your social media is flooded with comments and that name . He actually ends up having to have Adam (and Elyse) drive him home, while Bruce does damage control. (Lawrence will tell him later, that someone on Reddit had been looking up their birth certificates at their job and stumbled across his).
Adam and Elyse both just cradle him as he shakes, he clings to them. He rambles as he explains what hearing that name does to him- and they both just listen, nodding and offering whatever help they can provide.
-
Within a week, it’s back to normal. There are still one or two comments here and there but for the most part it goes back to normal. He spends all of his time with someone else however, mostly per Adam and Bruce’s request- both of them knowing him too well, that knowing if he was alone long enough he’d backtrack real bad. (He can’t even be mad at that).
-
RTX Sydney comes around and it’s in the middle of the Dude Soup podcast (panel?) that someone asks ‘ Rebecca-’ and before he can even reply, Bruce is standing up (along with Elyse and Lawrence), looking pissed and almost snarling into the microphone,
“His name is Matt, motherfucker.”
-
[That night they push the two queen size beds in their hotel room together, and Matt doesn’t feel any guilt about sleeping in the bed surrounded by his lovers].
-
After they get back to LA his dad calls him to sort through his childhood relics and he finds his old computer- adding it into the bin of things to keep.
Later, he’ll open it and navigate back to the once secret bookmark and smile at it while he listens to his boyfriends argue over which Halo was better. And he’ll close to the page, without feeling like he’s lost anything.
-
trans·gen·der
transˈjendər,tranzˈjendər/
adjective
denoting or relating to a person whose sense of personal identity and gender does not correspond with their birth sex.
