#pentupfeelings

[dbleu]

Someone who doesn’t knows me too well advised me don’t spend so much time alone… But he didn’t say where to spend my time… is this place weird to spend my time… Becos I don’t know what’s coming behind me. Just like my future… And I know what has passed by… It’s like my past. At present I am enjoying the dawn. #moodygrams #nightout #nightimages #streetphotography #pentupfeelings #nightphoto #instamood #tipsynights #instamoment #momentofmine #instadaily #instalove #instalife #notlonelyjustalone #instapic #di #hongkongers #may2022 (at Central, Hong Kong) https://www.instagram.com/p/CdMUiNBh3So/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[vaguedopamine]

Hello there. Yes. You. Hi!

So, I know that no one probably reads these but that's okay because thinking about it, I'd like to look back on this blog in a hundred...okay maybe like a year or two and read over these reviews and all these fangirling moments and just realize how much of a loser I was. 

Anyways!

No more self loathing or pitying moments...those are done...for now 

So, this has to do with reading somehow...I think...

I got rejected into my number one choice in University and right now that's downright fucking depressing for me.

I mean, I'm left with all these stupid "What If's" and the fact that this isn't going to matter in a couple of years doesn't make it hurt any less now. 

What if I had gone to that review session in 9th grade?

What if I had done that extra credit assignment on that class?

What if I had joined 3 more clubs?

What if I had participated in more community service?

What if I had just done more?

Through my whole life, I've always just wanted to be good enough for something, for someone. Today, well it fucking didn't work out.

I know I shouldn't be feeling like this because it's one University that didn't accept me out of like 10 that I applied to but...well it just...it's hard to not feel the downright disappointment.

That letter was like someone screaming in your face that you're not good enough and that all that work in High School was for nothing, "but thanks for applying anyways and hope you try to get into our school again next fall so we can just bitch slap you across the face again and tell you how you're STILL not good enough and how we hope you try the year after that. . "

Overall it's just been a pretty fucktastic day. Let's leave it at that. 

[mylittlelisa]

Whining.

I feel like I judge myself way too much..or maybe I just evaluate every decision and action I do a little to closely. I guess that's better than constantly judging people around me. I can always find things that are wrong..so many things bug me. Like the fact that I didn't get straight A's in college which is going to prevent this dentistry career from ever happening, or if I'm not skinny and in shape enough..I mean I guess those things are just my own self motivators but I sit a wonder will I ever be fucking satisfied? I just want that feeling of accomplishment and productivity. That all the sacrifices I've made to stay in studying rather than partying and such are all worth it. I guess I won't find out..it's just all so time consuming. I wish I knew that better in the beginning of freshmen year. Sophomore year will be no joke..that's for sure. Le sigh.

[myinconvenienttruths-blog]

Where Did I Go?

I got lost in the idea of love. Somewhere in trying to define a "we" I lost the "me" that I once knew. People say that relationships can change you, that sometimes change is for the better, but at what point is enough, enough.

I reflected back on that day, vague memories of what transpired that foggy afternoon, and all I have are broken pieces of a puzzle that I can never complete. Something that resembles a picture not depicted on the box, like the box was a facade that hid the truth. As the days go on, I try and supress the memories of a stranger I don't even recognize. Who is that? Those aren't my memories. That is not me.

It's like an old reel of film projecting on a screen, clicking, without voices, slowly incinerating and losing scenes along the way, but its like time decided to play a sick joke on me and it's turning backwards. Pieces that had been burned by the flames were born again from the ashes. As my flashbacks got increasingly clearer, the cloudier I felt. Is that really me?

I took a look at myself in the mirror. Who was I? What had I become?

Then I let myself go. I let the memory wash over me and I felt it course through my veins. The blood of the monster that rampaged through the streets. A belligerant bitch who wanted to murder all that hurt me. The green eyed monster. The sweet taste of the deadly sin was so delicious I could feel it curl around the tip of my tongue as I smacked my lips. Oh the taste of revenge was so sweet...

Bittersweet. because the lashing out of a deamon are feelings hidden.

I lost myself.

Each day I look at myself and not once had I noticed that I had left me, vacant.

This is not who I envisioned myself to be.