#pepaus writes

[alinastarvko]

sometimes mirrors have lungs

and a heartbeat, sometimes they're everything

we wish were, and more times that we'd like to admit

they're everything we wish we weren't;

sometimes we end up crashing against

them, cuts in our hands and blood on our face,

sometimes we cover them up with a blanket

and throw them away;

most of the time we don't like what they reflect,

we see a dark cloud, blurred pain and sharp edges

we look at ourselves in someone else's face,

sometimes there's a piece of us in everyone we meet.

— mirrors aren't always shiny // p.c

[alinastarvko]

what is it about starry skies and chilly nights that makes

people want to share their secrets?

1. I keep my eyes off of you

you told me how sometimes you skip school

because the weitgh of the world feels heavier in

the morning;

2. I bite my lip and I feel like crying

you said you hit rock bottom yet you feel so much

you cannot cry, you grieve someone else's pain but

never your own, no, there are more important things to

worry about.

3. I look at you and all I can see is sadness

you said living never felt right; waking up is hard and

people expect you go on as if your brain didn't make you

question everything, even your own existence.

4. I go home and my heart feels heavy

bright smiles and dirty jokes, scars never visible and

white pills under your sleeve; tired eyes never tell a lie

just like sad smiles fool everyone.

— October 30th, rooftop // p.c

[alinastarvko]

Do you think the stars look down at us and wonder when will we return home?

I want to go back home // p.c

[alinastarvko]

Letting go of people you once imagined yourself with is one of the hardest things to do in life. It doesn’t matter how young or old you are, it will always hurt. There’s no such thing as a manual when it comes to dealing with this kind of emotions. I guess putting you into words is what works for me. Knowing you’d leave with months in advance didn’t make it any easier. Not when I was used to seeing your face every damn day for eight hours five days a week, and at least six hours on a weekend. Somehow, you opened up your shell to me and I can’t tell you how greatful I am. Who would have thought that the boy with straight A’s and an attitude problem would become best friends with the damaged and loyal girl? Two years passed by in the blink of an eye but it feels like an eternity. We went trough a lot together; it was almost as you and me against the world. We predicted something big would happen at the end of the year, some would have to take sides and some would have to leave. Who would have guessed that you and me would be the ones torn apart? Leaving a trail of tears and broken hearts behind us. The day it happened I sat on my couch with my phone in hand and cried. I cried for hours thinking about all the things I could have done to prevent this. Sceneries were playing in my head over and over again as if doing it would turn back time. I broke because hurting you was never my intention, I would have never wanted any of this to happen but it did and I can’t go back and make things right. Now I am left with faded memories and burning wounds that will take time to heal; there’s nothing left for me to do than say thank you. Thank you for believing in me and giving me memories that I will hold for the rest of my life. Thank you for making me laugh until it hurt and I couldn’t breathe. Thank you for looking after me whenever you could. I owe you more than you think and the unconditional love and appreciation I have for you is my way of payment. You will leave and I will stay but I hope you can remember me as your safe place, like you once did many moons ago.

 Endless list of poems you’ll never read (#3)// p.c

[alinastarvko]

Never be sorry for getting rid of toxic people in your life. They only take away your oxygen and leave you for dead. Breathe some fresh air and be around positive people who can give you real and sincere love. You don’t need someone else’s negativity in your life; you have enough of that all by yourself. But never hate toxic people, for they are not the ones to blame for being like that. They have so much pain and anger bottled up inside of them, they don’t know how to feel love. Most of them are dead inside because their past killed them. They are afraid of people, so they just push them aside. But never hate toxic people, for hate is not a feeling you want in your system. Don’t give them that power over you after all. But never hate toxic people. Because they are the reason you found your real worth. And it’s not what they think of you. It’s what you think of yourself.

Toxic people // p.c

[alinastarvko]

I can only imagine the look on your face that night. Back then I didn’t know how a single mistake would shake my entire world. I can only imagine the feeling of loneliness that night, hoping it would be gone by morning. But the brain is a tricky thing that won’t let us forget. I can only imagine your face stained with tears and pain. The sound of your heart breaking into pieces and the sobs you must have let out. I can only imagine the pain I must have caused you by letting you down. I can’t turn back time and make things right. And I hope you imagine you were not the only one that broke that night. Your cold stare and sharp voice cut deep enough for me to bleed in the form of hot tears.

 Endless list of poems you’ll never read (#2)// p.c

[alinastarvko]

I don’t know what I liked the most about that night. They way our laughs blocked the sound of the world outside the car. Or they way you drove with me on the passenger seat. Or how we stopped in time while the rest of the world kept spinning. Busy lives and traffic lights; a blur of colors was all we could see. We were either racing or just trying to get by. And I still don’t know what was going faster: your car or my heart.

       our midnight car drive // p.c