It's been a year since my best friend passed.
I'm still having trouble believing it's real, to be honest. The last time I saw her in person was in 2023, when I threw a mini early birthday party for her because she had just gotten a new job out of state and was moving. It was themed around Mario Party 2, her favorite one, and I got new N64 controllers and a cartridge of it since I never owned 2. We played it with my mom and I don't remember who won, but we had fun. I'm glad my last memory of being with her in person was me trying to make the day special for her. Because I have so much guilt over not seeing her after that.
She fell sick and moved back home, but between my back being so bad and her feeling horrible, we couldn't get together. I know now that it would've been dangerous to push myself at the time, given how damaged my back was, but I still wish I had. I don't know why the thought of her life being in danger never crossed my mind. I know she struggled with horrible doctors blaming everything on her anxiety, but I dunno, I guess with her having her dad to take care of her after moving back, I just didn't think anything would happen. I still don't even know how she died. I know her family isn't obligated to share that if they don't want to (though they did say they were having an autopsy done), but it would certainly help me get closure.
Sometime last summer, I had a dream about her. All I remember is I was sobbing in it, hoping to get across to her how much I love her. Because as I said in the tags of a post the other day, the first thing I thought of was how I should have told her more. I was never shy in telling her, but I still feel like it wasn't enough. I honestly don't know what I believe spiritually, so do I think she came to visit me and she understood? I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not.
I had another dream about her last week. She had called me asking me a question I don't remember, and I was desperate to answer, but I couldn't find anything to help her before I woke up. I knew she was calling me from beyond the grave in this dream.
I've stopped reaching for my phone to text her every time something reminds me of her. And a few weeks ago, I had the horrible gut punch of snapchat asking me to add one of my contacts to my friends: whoever got her phone number. I don't cry every time I'm reminded of her anymore. Life moves on. But it still feels so unfair.
At this time last year, I still didn't know. They said she passed in the evening, and the last text I received from her was around 5:50pm that day. I could very well be the last person she communicated with. I didn't find out until the 20th. My mom had come in to wake me up in the morning because my brother saw the post her family had made on Facebook and texted her. I had also gotten a message from a high school friend about it that I had slept through, but I'm glad that mom was the one to tell me so I wasn't alone when I found out. She held me for over an hour while I cried, and she cried with me because she loved her like a daughter, too.
I always think of her when I see a cute cat. When I see a black cat like her precious boy she lost the year before she passed. When I see anything from Zelda, especially Majora's Mask, or from Final Fantasy 7. When I play pokemon and see ones she liked. When I hear classical music. When I see a tuba. When I'm filling my pill organizer and perfectly pour out 7 pills in my hand--we always texted each other when that happened to us.
I have a lot of anger toward people in her life that failed her, took her for granted, and treated her poorly. She suffered a lot, physically and emotionally. I thought that knowing she's not suffering anymore would comfort me more but it really doesn't. I suppose I'm too selfish that way. I just really miss her.
I just really miss her.
