#personal a bit

[queeniecook]

[frankenfae]

Jen: I miss you. How are you?

Me: I am... off? I dunno how to put it, really. You ever just think there are infinite choices and you have no idea which to pick? Well, that's sorta how I feel. That and I thought oh, I will hang out with Cody and his friends, he never invites me out it'll be fun and I'll see a slice of his life and well I feel like a broken human, they all smoked pot and watched UFC and I literally felt exactly like I did at 18 around other people smoking pot and playing video games. They seem so happy like just “dicking off” and I felt just soo.. guilty? Maybe.. like I am wasting what little life I have and well, I am not "chill". I liked seeing their smiling faces but I, myself, was not that happy and was sorta an "outsider". At some point we watched this girl fight in UFC stuff, and the one got her ass handed to her, the winner wound up with a huge knot on her eye socket and a bunch of blood and such and was addressing her fans and I thought we "enjoy" this? I mean, she is suffering we have created a system where it is okay to just beat on each other for money, that's just "okay" with us?Because... what, “fun”? And then I felt sub-human. Like god, I wish all of this felt normal and I didn't overthink every last moment of my life wondering how this all affects the final bottom line, of death. Like all of life's experiences are a +/- sum and I am just hoping for more +'s to my life and feel like I am doing no harm and leaving the world a bit better off for my existence, but god do I wish I could turn all that off and just stare at a screen where people beat on each other and feel like oh, yeah.. this is AWESOME! But instead, nope.. I feel shitty, guilty, nauseous and generally anxious and fearful and want to console the strangers on the screen who actively chose to participate. I feel like they had no better options and some part of me feels sad for them..it reminded me of being 18, watching strippers at a strip club because I was finally of age and growing nauseous and crying and having all the strippers get weirded out because well, they were trying to show me a good time and all my male friends were like well, Lauren likes women she'll love this.. but I wanted to scoop each one up and tell them they didn't have to do this, they looked numb on some level I hadn't ever seen. Like to their soul and I wanted to help, I don't know how.. but I wanted to.

Am I broken? I don't know.. but I know I am "other" and sometimes being "other" sorta sucks.

[loveisclockworkandcoldsteel]

So... here’s where I get political and talk about recent events

I’ve been quiet recently. Sorry about that. I’ve been working on what to say. It’s been an awful couple of weeks in the world. Orlando was awful and the reactions to it ranged from beautiful to also fucking awful. I was angry and hurt.

Then something else happened a little closer to home.

As you may have figured out, I’m British. We’re having a referendum here about whether or not we should stay in the EU. It’s a referendum that, quite frankly, happened for the wrong reasons. It happened so the current government could win the support of the far right during the last elections. I don’t know if they thought they could put it off or people would forget but it’s happening and it’s dragged up a lot of really horrible scum to the surface. In the typical British way, a lot of us laughed them off and poked fun. Nigel Farage, what a twat. I think a lot of people hoped in the beginning it would all be over quickly and we could carry on as normal. Instead, we’ve been faced with a lot of uncomfortable truths about the UK.

This week, MP Jo Cox was murdered while doing her job. She was an advocate for various charities and had talked recently about how much more we should be doing to help our fellow human beings. Her murderer, who possibly had mental health issues but was definitely a fucking terrorist, shouted ‘Britain First’.

This doesn’t happen in Britain often. Especially not after the Troubles died down and the IRA were less active. Since 1990, only two MPs have been attacked, both stabbed, and only one of those died. It was a huge shock to the system for the country. She was a fairly new MP with a child. She was a part of the institution at the centre of British life.

So when this man claims to be defending Britain I can only think this:

Britain first my arse.

I don’t know what Britain these people are talking about but it’s not mine. I went to a secondary school that was predominantly non-white British, as they would see it. It was mostly second or third generation Turkish, Greek and Cypriot. After that it was second or third gen of so many countries like Jamaica, Pakistan, India and so on. They were British/Londoners as much as I was. I was one of three ‘white’ English people in my form group/class of thirty and I never thought it anything other than normal. I studied abroad for a year during uni and when I came home for Christmas, I heard more different languages on the bus ride from the tube to my house than I had in the months away. To me and another friend from London, it was strange not hearing all those languages. I’m not saying there isn’t racism. I am white so I can’t comment on anything but what I’ve seen and I have seen it. For example, one time, my friend whose parents were from Hong Kong had a white guy doing some seriously offensive Chinese ‘impersonations’ at her in a busy Gregs while we were in school uniform and no one did anything.

But I bet half the people who moan and groan about immigration will sit and watch football eating curries and have kebabs after a night out (and I’m not stereotyping. Those are very common British things. Kebabs after drinking is practically tradition because kebabs shops tend to be open late and one year, the English World Cup song was called ‘Vindaloo’, you can google it.) And they won’t even see the irony because those things are so normal.

Jo Cox was an MP that we could actually be proud of after so many embarrassments and let downs. She wasn’t well known generally before this, a fucking tragedy in itself, but I was temping in a big charity this week and I went in on Friday to find people in tears. They knew her and she had fought for their work regarding child immigrants in particular. The CEO came in wearing black and left early because he was going to a vigil later and then going to visit her family who he knew personally through her work. She was someone who was doing what MPs are supposed to do and using her power for good. She deserved so much better. She was proof our country is better than this.

[spacefactsandpunksongs]

I just realized. There are a lot of jokes on here about how the biggest lie, or maybe the most common, is "I agree to the terms of service" and all that. But it's not. There is a lie that we tell almost every day, and possibly strikes the deepest chord in our hearts. "I'm fine."

[loveisclockworkandcoldsteel]

Lots of HP

Sorry if you’re getting bored of the HP stuff. The films are all on and that’s got me rereading the books. And crying a lot over MWPP era and the original Order and... yeah, I have way too much time on my hands.

[ssakasama]

Sorry

I’m sorry for all my posts in jerza tag...They all my old doodles... I deleted my old blog two months ago so my all edits gone so I’m reposting them again! Sorry for disturbing you   :;(∩´﹏`∩);:

[doorstoplord]

fun update: I think i’m gonna lay off the digital for a while. I don’t mean I’m leaving or I’m not uploading or I’m quitting altogether, but doing digital work is causing me stress I really don’t need right now. For at least a few days, I’m going to try and work traditionally only. 

also here’s RGB being a useless asshole. 

[zhe-lazy-fox]

I have memories of my mother crying... but when i try to remember my father... I can’t remember if i have seen him cry... he might have... but i don’t remember it... and that makes me a bit sad...