Sometimes I feel like I'm being punished for things I haven't done.
By all means, I've done all I can to turn my life around. I continue to do so. I don't do my shit half assed. Whenever I want something I work for it, because that's how I've been taught to deal with things. I wanted to stay here during the summer, so I went and got myself a fucking job so I didn't have to go home. I was falling into depression again, so I went and got myself a *good* therapist so I could start treatment to deal with past traumas I've otherwise packed away and kept hidden for a good portion of my life. I was lonely, so I went and got myself a god damn friend so I could at least feel somewhat whole again.
And you know what? When things started looking up that's when everything fell down.
I want to stay in Seattle during the summer because I don't want to leave my boyfriend for three months, he ends up breaking up with me anyway. So I'm in the city alone, working full time - and even though I've sort of turned my head toward new goals (saving up for my own place so autumn can come here) I'm still constantly fucking reminded that I'm going to be in my room, alone, on weekends... or come home after work and remain alone. I come to my room and do nothing. that's my routine. Sometimes I can deal with it and ignore it, and other times it's a crushing sort of isolation that makes me feel like I have a stupid, god damn weight on my chest that I just can't lift up.
I write. Except not right now. Not for a whole goddamn month. I have the most perfect RP partner in the world and I can't do anything with her, but not because I did anything wrong. But because of someone else's god damn fuck ups. I come along, I do good things, I try to be a good friend, and yet the person that hurt the person I love most was the one who got to receive her passion. She didn't even fucking do anything to deserve it. But she got it anyway. Now I have to fix what she broke, while that ignorant, blissful cunt gets to revel in memories of things she didn't rightly deserve. Fuck. Autumn, I'm sorry if this hurts reading this. You know I love you and you're so important to me. You always come first. But this is how I feel right now and I just need to fucking get it out before I fucking explode.
I notice a trend here. People tell me I deserve things. I do what I can to be a good, decent person. I do what I fucking can to work for the things that could make me happy. But I don't get any fucking closer. I never fucking do. But other people don't even have to try. There are so many fucking people who don't do a god damn thing and yet the entire world is handed to them on a silver platter. It's discouraging. It hurts me because I don't want to fucking give up but I'm given all these reasons as to why I should.
It feels like everything's working against me. I hate being perpetually punished. I really, really do.
