While my inability to harness and direct my focus is certainly one of the more annoying and hindering aspects of my ADHD, I think the worst part for me is the emotional dysregulation and the way negative emotions can effectively become a lightning rod for my wandering attention.
Like right now. I'm pissed off at something going on behind the scenes, and I literally cannot think of anything else. Can I distract myself? Yeah, sure, for about ten minutes. But can I do anything meaningful? No. Because I'm expending all my energy and attention on not thinking about the thing that's hurting me. And then something reminds me of the fuckery going on, and the rage comes back full force like a blunt force blow to my chest, and I'm left gasping in the wake of the intensity to both escape the situation and to turn around and inflict the exact same damage back.
The impulsive part of my brain knows the latter would be quicker. It's easier to lash out than do the work required to move on. It's more rewarding because I'd get the immediate emotional catharsis my dysfunctional, dopamine-deprived brain is craving.
In the barest of terms, the anger is stimulating. And that's dangerous.
If you're not careful, that's how you burn not just bridges but yourself as well. (Not to mention the people around you.) And right now, the entire inside of my head is a tinderbox of petty fuckery that won't accomplish anything if I act on it, but fuck me if the temptation to drop the match just isn't there all the time.
Anyway, I'm filling out an ADHD worksheet for a workshop I'm supposed to be doing, and I'm annoyed that all the questions are about productivity, with zero mention of literally anything else. And, like, granted, I knew there would be an emphasis on productivity going into this because there always is. But it'd just be nice to see mention of the other things and their importance rather than just treating them like a footnote.
I'm more than my inability to focus. I'm an entire array of dysfunctional fuckery that needs to be wrangled on an hourly basis, and it'd be nice to have it acknowledged how much energy that takes. That's all.
