#personal heartbreak

[imjustordinary]

It's no big surprise you turned out this way.When they close their eyes and prayed you would change.And they cut your hair, and sent you away.You stopped by my house the night you escaped.With tears in my eyes, I begged you to stay.You said, "Hey man, I love you, but no fucking way!"

Twin sized mattress

[katnisscarter2-0]

My Snapchat story just reminded me that two years ago we were together and fuck dude. I loved you so much. I loved you so fucking much. I would have done anything to make your life a little easier for you. I was always trying to help you. I always wanted to help because I loved you so much. You were my soul mate, you were beautiful and amazing and stunning to me. I thought every good thing about you. & I miss that connection, but I do not fucking miss you. I have not once missed you since getting my shit together. I have not once thought of reaching out. I have not once cried over losing you in my life. You said absolutely vile things about me that had no proof because, they were fucking lies. all I EVER did was help you. All I ever did was show you immense fucking love, and it even bled into the people in your life. I adored your daughter just as much as I adored you. I looked at her like the niece I knew I’d never have by blood. I showered her in love. Sure I bought her tons of stuff but I sat and spent time with her. I tried teaching her different things. I kissed her boo boos and I fucking slow danced to Taylor swift in the living room to get her to sleep. And you fucking said I took nude pictures with her? You’re fucking disgusting. actually you know the saddest part of it all? You reject me so much every time because you don’t know how to accept love. because you hate yourself. You look at me & I embody all of the things you don’t have and you hate me for it. At the end of the day I don’t wish you ill, but I don’t wish you well, I wish you nothing. You deserve nothing from my energy good or bad. & you have to live with the fact that you don’t get to feel the kind of love I give. Maybe you don’t realize it now, but one day you will & you’ll fucking hate yourself even more for how you treated me.

[endofthis-ones-story]

Heartbroken.

My Meema is gone.

She took her last, labored breath this morning after the hospice nurse recommended we give her more comfort meds and take off the oxygen since we were simply prolonging her life. Pumping oxygen into her made her brain continue to send signals about breathing...keep going. But she was in so much pain and was so tired. It hurt to breathe, it hurt to try and talk. And it pissed her off--that’s my grandma, pissed off she can’t do it herself. 

My grandparents were the only family members who took me at my word about my abuse at the hands of my mother, my Meema’s daughter. My mother is a narcissist who emotionally abused me and used me as a tool for her own mental health at the expense of mine. I only told my Bapa the whole truth last Wednesday, when he asked me if I could forget my problems with my mother. After I told him, he said “Forget what I just said. You stay strong and you are welcome with us always.” He continued to make meaningful eye contact whenever I left and he would say “See you later” and like... staring at me, to say “I WILL. SEE. YOU. You can SEE ME. Whenever you WANT.” As I left on Friday, I warned him that there were no Double-Whammies allowed--he cannot die of Heartbreak Syndrome on me. He promised he wouldn’t. 

Yesterday, my Meema had a bad night and a rough morning, so my mom called us all to the apartment again, and we hovered for most of the day. I had gotten a hotel room in the city close by so that I wouldn’t be 45 minutes away on the other side of the Twin Cities, and I’m really glad I did. I was there in 5 minutes, and we all buzzed around. My Meema apparently whispered to my mom “Talk to Christina!” --meaning, fix what you did. Because on Wednesday, she was lucid enough for Bapa to convey to her what I said. My mom came back into the kitchen and said “ She just told me to ‘talk to Christina’ so, Hi, there talked to you!” and my little sister rolled her eyes and whispered to her “No, mom I think she means...” and my mom shushed her. Because in my mom’s mind, I’m the one who has a problem with them--I’ve “invented” a problem and I don’t think that they love me? Which is...so far away from the point.

Anyways, I checked in this morning and my dad said “nothing happening” then 3 minutes later, “Mom just called, it’s happening- go!” so I rushed over. I was 2 minutes too late. I was in the parking lot when my mom called me on my Meema’s phone and said: “She just passed.” I got inside and hugged my uncle and his wife, who has been amazing and waited for the mortuary to arrive. We all stood around as the two very kind men gently moved her off her hospice bed onto the gurney. My brain--which has completely derailed at this point, I’m sorry if this isn’t coherent reader--whispered, “Whell, watching all those true crime documentaries sure came in handy. You can look at your Meema’s dead body being moved in a shroud and not throw up.” 

I disassociated after that for a while. The hospice nurse even reached out and touched my shoulder and asked if I was okay. I’d just stare into space...it was over. Her fight was over...I wouldn’t get to talk to her anymore. I wouldn’t get to hear “oh SHIT!” and her coughing laughs anymore. I wouldn’t hear “Christina MAE!” from her when she was exasperated with me, or I was being a sass. My Meema always knew when the fight was done. She’d win it on her terms and she’d be willing to wait it out. She was more stubborn than a mule- the mule would lose the bet.

At 3 pm I finally left. I wasn’t doing anything but listen to my brother Nick’s “glory stories” and how he was so amazing. My mother told me she really respected how I was here even though it was hard for me to be around them. And the truth is, it wasn’t hard to be around them. In fact, it was stupidly easy, because I just dismissed anything she said as a fake facade. My siblings lean on each other for support, and I’m glad they have that-- I don’t need to try and horn in on it. So I left and called my circle and asked them if they could help me---and they are amazing and generous and wholesome and are going to help me detox from the fake. 

My Meema hated conflict. Any conflict--she grew up around a drunk, she accidentally married a drunk (and left him when he refused to change) and didn’t accept fighting as an acceptable way to end disputes. Talk it out, be a grown-up. Which is why I didn’t tell her the truth in the first place--I didn’t want to stress her out, because I knew she’d believe me. But I told her a little bit- I told her when my mom tried to blackmail me with her access to my accounts. She said “close those immediately- any way you have to. Or empty them. Open one at a credit union where she can’t see it. That’s wrong.” And that’s how I started to get away from the financial abuse that my mother had over me. My Meema. 

Every time I stand up for myself, she will be with me, saying “well just kick him in the shins and be done!” Every time I roll my eyes and walk away from someone yelling at me, she will be there going “Fuck off loser!” My Meema was a fighter, and she instilled that in me. 

Thank you Meema. I love you lots ‘o lots.

[anothersociallyawkwardguy]

I don't want to kill myself

[katnisscarter2-0]

I remember nights we would talk about our future and we had such high hopes and plans, we had our home, kids, jobs, all planned out. How could you just walk away from all of that? How could you just walk away from us?

[ellaaaa-xo-blog]

..

I’ve been laying awake every night at 4am I have to force myself to sleep & not think about you, but even when I close my eyes I still see you & her together. I haven’t talked or seen you in months. You left me without a word said to me, like you always did but this time you didn’t come back you found someone new. Someone who is just like you. & god you don’t know how hard it is for me to see you with her, you’re a different person around her, something I never got to see.. I’m jealous of her.. I'm happy for you..

[manyshadesoffucked]

I just wanna call you and tell you i love you and make you come back. I dont know which makes me more sad being dumped to the side or knowing youre already talking to other girls. You said you loved me and just when i finally believed you, you left me like i was nothing. I just thought id be different. I thought we both couldnt be without each other. I hate this feeling. I just want you so bad but ik you hate me and want nothing to do with me. I should probably delete your number before i do anything i regret but i still hope one day youll text me and id hate to say "whos this" bc ik youll think i wanted you out of my life when deep inside its killing me.