#personal nonsenseposting

[canisalbus]

Prev: I'm having a bad day, been fist fighting my brain since last night.

Tell me what kind of nefarious contraption you'd put me in. For fun and games.

[canisalbus]

cw aimless whining and venting about health woes

I've been going through a really bad sciatica flare up for almost two weeks now, and I'm losing my mind.

I can't stand or walk for more than a couple of minutes at a time, sitting gets intolerable very quickly, and the usual NSAIDs aren't effective against neuropathic pain. Hot compresses have been the biggest help so far. I've been trying to maintain some degree of activity and do some careful stretches to hopefully loosen things up and to keep the circulation running, but those hurt like hell.

It does things to you when you're in active, shrill pain 24/7 and you can't do much to alleviate it.

I've been postphoning going to the doctor because I think I'm in denial about how bad it is, and I keep hoping that I'll wake up next morning and everything will be magically fixed. The last time it was this severe the episode lasted two entire years, it was hopeless and disabling and it destabilized my faith in everyday medical care. What eventually worked was a series of cortisone injections, but it took a long while to get to that point. Thinking of going through that again is gutting.

I don't know, just feeling powerless and lonely and frustrated. And bitter for missing out on the usual christmastime activities that I had been looking forward to.

[canisalbus]

Anxiety is such an unfathomably dumb nonsense brain disease to have, I can scarcely believe it.

It's like there's a small but extremely accurate meteoroid hurtling towards the earth with my name on it, and it's going to hit me in about 0-2 business days. I can't see it but it's coming.

Good news is that I might still be able to dodge it if I act NOW, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do to avoid it, and it's almost too late. Hurry!

Okay, you've gotten me sufficiently alarmed! Thanks for warning me, I owe you my life! Now what? Are you going to tell me what we're actually scared about this time or how to fix it? No? It's just the vague dread and aimless, thinly veiled panic again?

[canisalbus]

Goddammit I need to get out of the 'surviving one day at the time' state of being and start to actually live again.

[canisalbus]

Sorry about low activity and no art in weeks ´v`' I'm still here, just dealing with some health issues that are draining all of my energy.

You may remember that I started adhd medication some time ago, and the first meds didn't really seem to mesh with me, I just got bouts of intense, aimless anxiety from them with no significant benefits. I was switched to a different prescription and so far they've seemed to actually work, which is nice! It's like my brain is normally full of speed bumps, and while they're definitely still there, they've been lowered a little, at least some of the time.

Yesterday I had a little bit of a health scare. I had been having episodes of severe upper abdominal pain during the weekend, usually at night, and yesterday the pain had also spread to the left side of my back, accompanied by chills, nausea and dizziness. I called the medical helpline to ask whether this should warrant a trip to the emergency clinic and the person responding was worried about the possibility of an acute heart issue, and sent me an ambulance. The paramedics seemed very thorough and the tests came back mostly normal. They mentioned something about mild hypoxia (at heart?) and some other issue I didn't catch at the time, and that it's not quite dire enough to require an immediate ER visit but I should have it looked into as soon as possible. I have an appointment scheduled for thursday.

And I don't know, I'm still shaken about the whole thing. This is a new, very intense kind of pain and it's making me uneasy and unable to think about anything else. Of course in these situations you eventually end up googling and trying to figure out what it could be on your own, and from what I've seen the symptoms could fit gallstones or pancreatitis, but who's to say. I'm just waiting for thursday I guess, not sure of what to do with myself until then.

I keep weighing the option of going to the clinic tomorrow anyway just to be sure, and immediately feeling dumb because I'm obviously in a bit of a crisis mode mentally at the moment and it's probably not that urgent.

[canisalbus]

This has nothing to do with anything but I'm in the middle of a houseplant fixation and I'm having a lot of fun. I've always had indoor plants, sometimes more, sometimes less, but it's starting to feel like I might've finally figured out some of the more advanced stuff, like personalized substrate mixes, different pot types, fertilization, growth lights and humidity.

My plants are doing really well now! I've repotted a few, trimmed the ones that took damage during the winter (or got hit by a thrips infestation late last year) and propped the cuttings, and they're putting out roots! I've never tried propagating anything before, it's exciting times. I'm going to plant them soon, maybe later this week.

Every morning and every night I do a little routine plant tour, simultaneously marveling at them and endlessly worrying about whether they're happy and thriving or not. They're making so many big, shiny new leaves right now and it's driving me to the brink of tears.

Very stressful but also tremendously rewarding. Just felt like sharing, since I've been mostly inactive or focused on complaining about health woes lately.

[canisalbus]

I think I just missed someone's gift art ;-; I briefly saw it in my mentions yesterday but now I can't find any trace of it anywhere. If the artist recognizes themselves from this, is there any way you could post it again? I'll try to be quicker this time.