#personal shit.

[unwuerdig]

Ich liebe freundliche Menschen.

[zerovalencia]

i'm sorry.

[gumiado88]

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[giantmonstercaptain]

Out with @pwimsup today, running errands and junk, just spending time together. It’d going great, I get my defective TV replaced, we go to the barber to get haircuts and at some point I get a text from my mom, asking if I’m off work today. I figure she probably just wants to ask me a question tech-related or needs something from me (gas money or maybe to use my shower or washer and dryer or whatever, it’s fine).

She calls me when we get to lunch. Papa, who’s been in slow decline since a heart surgery that didn’t go great 6-ish years ago, has taken a steep decline. Isn’t eating, can’t really communicate, brown urine, hard time breathing, the whole nine yards. His doctor has confirmed that he most likely won’t last the week.

We go pick up the replacement tv, I have to buy a shirt to wear over there because I ain’t walking into the house wearing a shirt that blatantly says “G A Y” on the front of it because I’m not out to them, and like, just seeing him is all that worse. 

I mean, he’s my Pop. He raised me for the youngest years of my life and I’ve been close to him most of my life. And I’m not sure he even recognized me. That’s what hurts the most. Seeing him like that, but also not seeing recognition in his face when he looked at me. 

Mom’s very down about it, has been spending a few days with my grandparents to help Grams. Grams is--I don’t think she’s processed it. I mean, we all expected him to die about 6 years ago. He was in ICU for weeks. I spent a couple of days in the ICU waiting room. There are posts back in the bowels of this blog about it, because I was on here way back then. But it’s different to know. Not to hope he survives, not to be in the territory of “maybe he’ll make it”. No, he’s in his 80s and he’s survived multiple open heart surgeries and it’s not his heart this time, it’s everything else. They think his liver and kidneys are almost done, he’s fighting to even breathe, he can’t talk, can’t sit up, mostly can’t recognize people. 

Mom says she only told me about it because I was out with Jordan today. The family barely talks to me anymore as-is and I get it, they think they’re sparing me the worry, but I need to know. I’m someone who arms myself with knowledge and prepares myself for what’s to come. I want them to tell me and they say they’ve tried but I get different things from mom and Grams when they do talk to me and I--well, I don’t know what to do, most of the time.

And then Jordan, bless his heart. Part of this family whether or not he wants to be. Best friend of mine for 10+ years and my whole family loves him and he’s here for me now and was here for me 6 years ago. Don’t know what I’d do without him.

It’s going to be an odd week.

[valiiancy]

well i’m here, but i’m not in a good head space. so i don’t know how replies will go.

pls ignore the bit under the read more, i just need somewhere to rant where they won’t see. i’ll delete in a little while. honestly ignore it. it’s gonna be long, and full of my own drama that you guys don’t need involved with. i just need to rant for my own sanity.

idk how someone can be so cruel... like we were so close, and you know... you know the bad experiences i’ve had in the past, and you promised that i could trust them if i let you in. 

now i can’t go onto my rp on twitter.

now i can’t go onto my fan account on twitter.

you’ve purposely infiltrated the group of friends i had on there, some which have now unfollowed, others who are constantly rting you onto my tl. you’re taking screenshots of things i’ve rted, assuming they are to do with you, and then tweeting about it. 

and now you’re purposely rubbing in a brand new “friendship/relationship” whatever you call it, i sure as hell don’t know what you would have called ours, but a week after we’ve stopped talking, and you’re declaring your love for them and posting screenshots of your texts etc,getting mutuals of mine to rt and quote -- exactly what you were doing with me a month ago loL. I feel sorry for them. You’re toxic. You get bored, and don’t care about who ends up hurt in the aftermath, even if you claim to care about them. 

Idk how many times I told you that I don’t want to get emotionally attached if you were just going to drop me. It’s happened too many times before, my insecurity of never being good enough is constantly there. And right now, with what you are doing, it’s quite frankly consuming me. 

And I know that you’re toxic, and I KNOW that you are doing this to get back at me for deciding that I couldn’t deal with your games -- but proved my point, right? Clearly you NEVER cared because it’s as if you just have a whole list of people lined up to replace each one after you have finished with them. 

I don’t want to be upset. It’s clearly what you want. But I haven’t experienced anything so horrible before. 

Right now, I feel pretty detroyed. :)))))))))

Thanks so much, T.

[giantmonstercaptain]

i bought a new tv for the first time in 5+ years. it's higher quality than and 17 inches larger than my current tv. and i'm buying it for the same price i bought this one at, too. TECHNOLOGY, AMIRITE?

[giantmonstercaptain]

well my mom may be dropping the ball on me (verdict on that pending) but yet again dad comes to save the birthday. a dinner and movie date with dad. this is the same dad who heard i was alone on my actual 21st birthday day (cas and gabe visited on the weekend bless them) and took me to a bar at 9pm to drink and listen to me complain about life. and i wonder why my dad instincts are so strong.