#personal---

[telafel]

appointment went well but uh

she is worried my problems might be cancer or precancerous stuff and less PCOS !!! oh boooooooy

[wallnoises]

hi my name is sammy and i take dnd way too seriously and let my emotions get all tied up in my characters because they’re essentially extensions of me and because i am basically incapable of creating characters that aren’t

[telafel]

I’ve been flip flopping on if I might be aro but i’m also returning to my original ace identity which i dropped because of all the dumb disc horse and being tired of constantly feel like i had to explain myself (it’s easier to just say bi sometimes)

but i’m realizing after my experiences with my ex that ace definitely feels more fitting for me because I just can’t when someone else is involved and the whole thing unsettles me more than it should

and then the same thing with aro where I can’t really maintain romantic feelings for someone, or rather i don’t really know what romantic feelings feel like. because most of the time i get this nice feeling when talking to people and it ends up being more platonic like it’s STRONG and fulfilling but it’s not like Romantic. 

and it’s weird for me to grapple with that but it’s also okay. like as much as I love romance in fiction I don’t think I can actually connect to it irl

maybe that will change at some point, i’m too old to invest everything into an identity label and try to fit myself into it, but it’s just reassuring to know that it’s there and i’m not crazy for feeling the way i do

but i’m definitely more secure in identifying as ace again after all these years (specifically prolly grey ace since I do feel Certain ways sometimes but like largely No)

[telafel]

therapy session today made me feel a little better and less mentally tangled up but i’m still just kinda grappling with negatives thoughts/feelings and bleh

[telafel]

i always forget how fuckin’ awful it feels to have a crush lol

like on one hand its Great because Good Feelings but then its Bad because all the thoughts as I try to remind myself im not ever going to have feelings reciprocated and im not worthy of any romantic involvement lol 

[telafel]

leave it to my mother to piss me off on what was going to be such a nice day- like. new years day and the last day I have a break from classes. I just wanted to chill.