#personal-life

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Childhood #1

I was raised in a cult. This sounds dramatic, but it was. I’ve been looking into cult survivor groups and religious trauma groups. I tried to leave the church when I was 12, my parents didn’t let me. I tried leaving when I was 16, and I thought I left. Finally at 22 when my nth un-alive attempt sent me to the hospital that I finally 1) realized it was a cult and 2) realized how shitty I have been to people. 

I have had a “Holier Than Thou” attitude my entire life and I couldn’t figure out why all my relationships failed. I was trying to “fix” people with the guise of helping them.

About a month before I turned 22, I realized how bad I was at communicating and expressing myself and I constantly overshared.

I spent my formative years on tumblr with other depressed people so I thought it was normal to feel depressed all the time and just waiting to die. I was vocal about it to my friends and family and they FLIPPED out. 

When I finished my grippy socks vacation, I was yelled at for saying how I felt. I was patronized by everyone except for one friend that was also suicidal from a young age. It was a hard thing to realize that people don’t actually live like this and that life could move on.

I thought I was gonna be dead by 18 then 20 then 22. Now I’m 22 and I feel like the world has opened up.

I have so much childhood trauma and experiences that I could write like 5 memoir books right now, but I’m simply too busy for that so for now it’s this tumblr blog.

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Friendships #1

I have never had a “best friend.” They all either moved away or stopped talking to me. I felt like it was my fault somehow. I would always argue with them and said mean things because I thought that was how people were supposed to act.

I started treating people like they were movie characters. I would go find the “shy” person, befriend them, make them more outgoing then they would move on to other friends. 

I thought I needed to protect other people, but I don’t. 

There will be more on the trauma front, but later

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Childhood #2

My parents!

There will be many posts about my family on this blog. 

The first thing you need to know about them is that they are elitists and think they can cure ANY illness with prayer. 

So I said I was in a cult, well my mom helped start it. It was a small college church group, but my mom helped build it into an empire that had a summer camp with getaway weekends, mission trips, and churches all around the southeast united states.

I haven’t talked to anyone who left and thinks of it as a cult except some family members who joined then left. My parents treat the family members not in that church as if they are possessed by the devil. I genuinely wasn’t treated like a person my entire childhood. I was kind of a joke or a minstrel show. 

Ever since I was little, I thought scientists or something were watching me and if I committed a certain list of “sins,” a monster would be unleashed into the world. 

I had lived with that thought and it moved to all of my relationships up until basically a few weeks ago. I felt isolated in my thoughts until I joined a religious trauma support group and started connecting to people there.

I am excited to start this new life with oversharing in the right way.

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life has dealt me a poor hand

for the last two weeks ive been seeing demons popping up around my house and staring at me. does anyone know how to get rid of demons?

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I am not having an easy time with this.

I am not okay. 

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I think some days, you just need to let yourself cry and not be ashamed of it.