#personalday6

[zarroa98]

Day Book #22

Personal Daybook #6

On July 10th, Rick, Will, Jenna, Hannah, Eliese, and I went to Regents Park. Rick took us to his favorite spot in Regents. It was absolutely beautiful. Not a lot of people knew about the spot and it was absolutely beautiful. I was doing homework in the spot and then Will and Rick had me read some of the book aloud. After everyone finished their food and I finished finding quotes, we all got up and finished walking around Regents Park. It is by far my favorite park that I have been to in London. Everyone else, except for me and Jenna, went to the British Library. Jenna and I went to The Globe, to watch Hamlet. We met up with Aaron, but since we didn’t have tickets beforehand, they told us to we had to wait in the return queue for our tickets. We did indeed get the tickets and the best part was that they were only five pounds instead of eight. The performance itself wasn’t very good, but because it was Hamlet, which is my absolute favorite play, it made it decent. The actors from As You Like It also played in Hamlet, but the actors were way better in As You Like It. After the performance, Jenna and I went to meet some of the performers and got a picture taken with them. It was a great day.

[creativeintelligencehealingarts]

Recently i was asked what my fears around romantic entanglements are (I'm learning in this part of my life that not all relationships have o be entanglements)... My answer was:

"I fear that at some point something I do or don't do, share or choose not to share will activate in you a pain based on Romantic expectation or past injury. Then, it would be seen as natural to speak badly of me, grow jealous of my independence or angry at my boundaries (emotional, physical or other) demanding more of some ambiguous emotionally based ever changing need.  Blame me for being me or judge me because I don't fulfill your desires or expectations.  Then label me  rude for not wanting to play the bad guy in your drama. Slowly being to resent me though never brave enough to communicate it with words. Then i would again be labeled as inattentive, distant and or not present." 

I was a bit shocked at how fluidly my response came. In fact it was communicated with my thumbs through text. After getting over my own response time i had to recognized that I in fact was responding or at least voicing my previous pains. Telling on myself... The experiences of past relationships.. And as change is the only constant; my responsibility is to now forgive myself for holding on to these fears and let the images and expectations that come with them go. I must now trust that there are others in the ocean of life that will have the emotional maturity to allow me to be who I am and be able to communicate how be being me affects them without emotional finger pointing and insecure blame or a hunger to fix. I also recognized that the only way that this could have ever been a reality for me is because I too have been guilty of doing the same.  This too, i must forgive myself for.  Knowing that next time I will be able to recognized this behavior in myself and another without judgement and make a new choice. Today is a beautiful day perfect for house cleaning and meditation.  

I wasn't expecting the interpersonal on day 2 of the 31day blogging but it fits in the natural order of things.

E