#personalrss

[r-saori]

My girl

You know... I never stopped to think about your importance in my life, I never gave you the value, the love and the care you deserve. And how I wish you here with me everyday now...

Even though you have big backyard that you can sunbathe now, I really wish I could have bring you with us.

My heart aches when I think that you are old we can lose you anytime now, and I really want to enjoy every moment I can with you.

I am selfish enough to wish that you would be here with us and I would let you sleep in my bed with me as we did when you were just a puppy. I would call you to lie on my lap and pet you until you sleep. I would play with you as we used to do.

You will always have a big part of my heart with you, and again, I am selfish enough to wish that you would live forever and just leave this life with me.

I loved you, I love you, I will always love you, my Mikinha.

(October 14, 2020)

[r-saori]

My first kids

You guys were not born from me, but you are my kids in the heart.

I will always cherish your happiness, I will always be by your side...

My Lolo...

You have such a strong personality and that makes me happy to see that you are such a strong little girl.

I love to see how much you love your big brother, and I hope you keep on always wanting to be with him, with this love that only the two of you understand.

I was so glad to see that, even though I gave you a hard time when you had a tantrum, after all the cry and bad behaviour, you calm down and stopped crying after a while.

I really thought you were going to be mad at me, and stop to want to be with me, but then, all of nothing, you hugged me.

My heart was so full of love at that time.

I hope you can grow as this understandable girl you are, and I hope you know you can always count on me and that I will always love you.

And then...

Lui... My big boy.

You grew so much and I didn’t realize time took my baby away so fast!

You are not a baby anymore, and how I miss those time when I could carry you in my arms so easily.

I always prayed that you grow up as a kind person and a big heart, and God heard me!

I never met another little boy so kind as you are. You are really my proud!

I will never forget how you felt bad about your little sister when she was having a tantrum. You gave up on the chair you had, so that she could have that, and that really melted my heart... how you care about her, how you didn’t like and was worried to see her crying.

You’re really my little angle that God send me so I could learn to be as good as you are.

I pray you never lose this essence. And I will always be here to guide you the best I can. You will always have my best, my baby boy, and you will always be my baby.

And I was so happy today, when I heard you wanted to buy me a birthday present. You alone are already my biggest present and I couldn’t ask for more.

Thank you for loving me as well. I will always love you, my godson.

(October 02, 2020)

[r-saori]

My little kind star

You know... things have been a little different with you...

I could not go to the hospital on the day you were born. I could not take care of you that much. I could not make you laugh very much. I could not feed you frequently. I did not post so much of you on my Instagram account. I could not write about you.

In fact, this difference was due to your big brother. He is my godson and I did not want him to feel he is not loved enough. Since he was already jealous of you, I tried my best to make him feel loved, hence not giving you so much attention.

Ever since he has been accepting you more and since Victor has been playing with him, I had the opportunity to be more present with you and I could not help but fall in love with you, as I am with your brother.

You are such a kind baby!

You never cry out of nothing. The only times you cried was due to a flu or pain, or when you are hungry and I pulled off your bottle so I could put you in the car last Sunday.

You do not laugh so much, but you are always looking at us with curious eyes and give us a little smile.

You have so much fun when we mess around together while I am giving you a shower.

You come to my arms so easily that it seems we are together everyday all day.

You make my heart melt with love and I am so happy when I have you with me.

I hope you can feel it. I hope you can feel this love and care I feel towards you. I hope you can see that the love I feel for you is just as big as it is for your brother.

I hope you know I want to be a good aunt for you and that I will be here for you everyday in your life.

I pray for you to grow up with such a kind heart you have today, with hapiness, joy, health  and love all around of you, but mainly inside of you. I pray for you and your brother grow up together as partners and best friends. And I pray that you both know you can always rely on me and that I love you so so so much!

Hope you have an amazing life, my Lolo.

I love you!

(May 08, 2019)

[r-saori]

You have no idea how big my love is for you.

Sometimes, you really piss me off when you want to do everything on your own and do not let me help you; when you are selfish and do not let me play with you.

However, my heart melts every time I am with you.

When I say I love you and you say you love me.

When you thank me for whatever I have done for you.

When you hug me whenever you are afraid of something or just for nothing at all.

When you are polite and caring toward other people.

When you smile whenever I want to take a photo with you.

When you eat something I gave you and you say it is delicious.

When you call me “madinha”.

If I could, I would keep every memory of you, every detail in my mind. I would make a movie of all the moments we spend together.

In your 3-year-old anniversary, you spend the day with me.

I took you to the playcenter and you had so much fun and I couldn’t help but admire how you thought everything as something amazing.

You never disappoint in showing me how a kid can be so sweet, so creative and so innocent.

You wanted a lollipop and I was so upset that I could not buy you one due to your potential of developing a disease, but I was so happy when you liked the ice cream I bought you. You were so cute when we were about to buy it and you said “um sorvete, moça” and said “por favor” after I told you to do so.

You thanked me so many times after I bought you your anniversary gift and you filled my heart with love once again.

You thanked me for the day when you were about to go to your mother’s house and kissed me goodbye, almost making me cry for the love that I feel for you.

I never thought I could feel a love so intense as the one I feel for you. I never thought I was able to love this much.

I hope you are happy, my baby. I hope you can grow healthy, happy and as sweet as you are now.

I hope you can fell all the love that we feel for you and that you are able to love even more.

I hope I can be part of your life, always helping you in your journey as a caring ang loving human being.

I love you more than words can describe, my baby boy, and I will always pray for your happiness.

(February 19th, 2019) 

[r-saori]

Confused

My defination now is the verb "to not know". I don't know how I should feel about you.

I know it would be easy for me to like you. You are a nice guy, you make me laugh, you listen to me, you let me listen to you. But in the end of the day, it seems like I'm the only one who cares, the only one who makes everything to be available to spend sometime together.

I don't want you to quit everything for me, but I just would like you to do the little things that seems to be nothing when in fact it is all that really matters to me.

I would fall hard for you if you just called me without asking when we can't meet, if you just said you want to take me out just to take an ice cream, if you waited for me to get out of the places we are in, if you kissed my cheek when we finally meet and not wait for me to kiss yours, if you told me seeing me or listening to my voice is enough to make you feel better, if you just considered me as one of your priorities once in a while and not only when you want and have spare time.

It would be easy for you to make me fall for you, but it seems you do want to treat me in a way to not make me fall for you but instead let me confused about your feelings for me.

You always say you don't have time and are not ready for a relationship and somehow neither do I, but I don't want to wait for the perfect time to be in a relationship otherwise this time will never come.

I want it now with you, but the things that you don't do, the minimum effort that you don't put on me make me feel like we are just hopeless hearts just passing through.

And yet, maybe this is good, because when I finally have the courage to let you go, it won't be so hard for me...

For the first time, I'm putting me as a priority above you.

(December 07th, 2017)

[r-saori]

Is it...?

Sometimes I just feel like a pathetic girl.

Is it too foolish of me wishing that you like me back?

Is it too foolish of me missing you when you obviously don’t miss me back?

Is it too foolish of me wanting to be with you when you say you don’t have time for me?

Is it too foolish of me talking to you when I know you won’t talk to me like before?

Is it too foolish of me wanting to ask you out when you always refuse?

Is it too foolish of me thinking of you all day long?

Is it too foolish of me waiting for a message from you when I know you won’t send any?

Is it too foolish of me keeping on writing it?

Is it…?

(November 07th, 2017)

[r-saori]

Hiding

This is strange because I feel all of it inside.

I want to say I wanted to talk to you but I am afraid you will think I am too clingy.

I want to tell you about my day but I am afraid you will think I am depending too much on you.

I want to tell you about my happiness and problems but I am afraid you will think I am relying too much on you.

I want to say I missed you but I am afraid you will think I like you.

I want to confess I like you but I am afraid you will think I am too easy just because we started talking just a month ago.

I want too many things… And I am afraid of too many others.

And, meanwhile, all of it keeps on making my chest tight and tight and tight… while I still keep a smile on my face.

(October 24th, 2017)

[r-saori]

Enough for myself

It’s funny how the last thing I said would ever happen to me is happening right now.

I always had in mind that I would never be interested in a popular guy in which every girl has a crush on. I never really liked this type of guy.

They can be handsome, funny and nice, but I never had interested in none of them. I think it is because everyone wants them that makes me not be interested in them.

Nevertheless, I have a crush on a guy like this.

He is a nice guy, very popular, and every girl I know has a crush on him. I wouldn’t say he is handsome because I don’t think he is even cute. He isn’t exactly my style, but something on him messes with me.

Being interested in him made me realize a lot of things about myself.

Usually, I am not interested in guys like him because I don’t really like the competition once other girls want him as well. I realized it makes me think that I am not enough when compared to these other girls and it really sucks my self-esteem that isn’t so high anyway.

However, this time it made me realized that I don’t need to compare myself to these other girls.

I told this guy I have some kind of feelings for him, but he didn’t even have the guts to say something about it. He just said he would reply me later and it wouldn’t change anything – which I think it was nice of him since he isn’t treating me different.

I tried to talk to this guy just as friends, but he doesn’t seem to want to talk back to me. It made me tired and I realized I don’t want to keep on trying to have a friendship with someone who isn’t even interest in being my friend.

After all, the lack of interest from someone in us makes us lose interest in them.

At first, I started comparing myself to other girls again, but then I realized I don’t need to do it.

The fact this guy didn’t like me back wasn’t because I am not enough. It is because he is not enough for me.

I am more than enough not for him, but for someone who will truly like me and I know this person is out there somewhere.

And even if this person is not out there, I am just more than enough for myself.

(July 24th, 2017)