Interview with Kourtney Tunner (An Exercise in Character Development)
Who are you Kourt? Where do you come from within me?
I’m the part of you who is always afraid of being bored and wasting your life. I’m the part of you who is second guessing everything that you do or say to someone. I’m all of your regrets. I’m the confidence you wish you had even having all the same, and worse, mistakes that you’ve made. I’ve been here for a while now.. Steeping like the tea that smells better than it tastes.
What was it like for you growing up?
My parents moved me around a lot. My dad was in the military, so I guess that’s why we moved. Or maybe it was because my mom was always sleeping around with his coworkers and he was too proud to divorce her, so he would just move us to another base.
How did you know that your mom was cheating on your dad?
It was kind of obvious, you know? I had a lot of “uncles” that would come over when daddy was working late or out of town for the weekend. And then there was the fighting too. Lots of yelling. But mom always promised that it wouldn’t happen again.
How did moving around so much affect you? Was it hard?
No, not really at the time. I made friends easily. I always had lots of friends by the second or third week I’d changed schools. But we usually wouldn’t stay for more than six months to a year, so I never really got to attached. I was usually glad to leave because I had fucked things up beyond repair with everyone. Burned all my bridges, you know? I knew somewhere in the back of my head that I would be leaving soon, and that if I did something to piss someone off that I probably would never see them ever again after a couple weeks or months. I was almost relieved when new “uncles” would start showing up at the house. I would even make it easy for her by going out or something. Pretending that I liked them. Then telling dad that they were hanging around the house like it was no big deal. I almost felt bad for my dad, you know? But he was never home and I never really got a chance to get to know him.
You said that you burned all your bridges. What’s one example of when you did this?
We were living in Jacksonville for about a year and a half (which was quite a long time for us) when I was about 15-16 years old. I met this guy. I was so in love with him. But in that teenager, he’s-cute-so-I’m-going-to-marry-him-and-live-happily-ever-after kind of way, you know? We had been hanging out a lot and he finally asked me out on a date. I was so fucking excited. We did the stupid movie date and all that. It was great. I was so naive. We dated for a couple weeks, maybe a month or so before I put out. I was a virgin and I didn’t just want him to get bored with me or something. It was whatever, your typical I-don’t-know-what-the-fuck-I’m-doing first time sex. Apparently he told all of his friends that I was the best lay ever (which I still can’t figure out how he came that conclusion, because I took his virginity too, you know?). All of the sudden I had all of this male attention that I didn’t have a fucking clue what to do with. Older guys, younger guys, even a couple of the younger teachers started treating me differently. Looking back, the guy was a douche to go talking about me like that. Guys don’t know what kind of damage that can do to a 15 year old girl, what kind of fucked-upness that it can create later on for her. But at the time I was proud. All of these guys where looking at me, you know? For a girl who had never really been noticed by guys to suddenly be the center of attention? It was great. Until the girls started to talk. I would hear it as I passed by. My best friend at the time tried to help me through it, or at least I thought she was. She told me to ignore the other girls because they were jealous of all the awesome sex I was having. I had to explain to her that I was only sleeping with my boyfriend, and no one else. She would just roll her eyes and tell me “Whatever helps you sleep at night, Kourt.” And then I found a note that she and another girl had been passing in class about me, calling me all sorts of horrible names. I was fucking pissed. The only way that I knew how to get back at here was to sleep with her boyfriend. It wasn’t hard to do, you know. He was interested in me anyway, and had jokingly asked before, but with that look in eyes. The one that every girl can recognize that says, I’m joking if the answers no, but if the answers yes, I’m totally serious. All I had to do was get a little drunk with him at a party. I was so fucking stupid. So fucking stupid. Darin broke up with me once he heard about it. Apparently everyone was calling him a liar, because Tom said I wasn’t actually that good in bed. Tiffany stopped talking to me, and broke up with Tom. I basically confirmed the rumors about me being a slut, ruined two relationships and lost three close friends.That time, mom wasn’t even sleeping around when I told dad she was getting buddy buddy with some other guy. She was just hanging out with one of his coworkers who was obviously gay. But dad didn’t believe in gay, apparently.
You sabotaged your parent’s marriage just to get out of the mess you created at school?
I didn’t lie. I never said they were sleeping together. How was I supposed to function at a school where all the girls hated me, and all the guys thought I was easy? I had no one to turn to. No one to talk to. I tried talking to one of my teachers about it. He was so nice to me at first. I was so stupid, yet again. When he gave me a ride home one night and put his hand on my thy, I knew I had totally fallen for it. I played into being easy, yet again. But I couldn’t let a teacher have that power over me, like Tom and by boyfriend had. I pretended not to notice and thanked him for the ride. That’s the night I told dad about mom’s friend.
So it’s sufficient to say that you haven’t had the greatest time with men. Is there anyone in your life right now?
Well. I’m getting a divorce right now from my husband Peter.
Everything, I guess. It was done before it started, I think. My mom wanted me to settle down or something. I don’t know why, cause she never really did until after my dad died.
A couple years ago he died of cancer. It was pretty quick onset. None of us saw it coming. Especially my mom. Even though she cheated on him and deep down I think she really resented him, I know that she loved him. It was really rough on her.
Tell me about your relationship with Peter.
Well, like I said, I had tremendous pressure from my mother to settle down. With anyone, really. Probably just wanted grandkids. I don’t want kids. I’m not the mothering type, you know? Swear too much, drink too much. Anyway, I was dating Peter when she flipped her shit about being a grandmother. I’d never really felt butterflies or any of that shit with a guy, especially after what happened with Darin, and I didn’t feel them with Peter. So I figured he was just as good as any other guy. I met him when I went off to college as a computer science major. One of the nice things about moving around a lot was that my reputation didn’t follow me from place to place. I mean, I’d usually garner another equally bad reputation, but at the point when I met Peter? I hadn’t done that yet. So he was nice to me. Treated me well. Never gave any indication of cheating, or even wanting to cheat. Made me think he was a little desperate. Especially when he asked me to marry him after seven months of dating. Poor Peter.
Did you say yes right away?
No. I had been cheating on him the whole time that we were together, and told him that I needed some time to think about it. I made the mistake of telling my mother that he proposed to me. She told me that if I didn’t say yes, that I would probably be alone for the rest of my life. “And believe me,” she said “it gets lonely.” I don’t know what she meant by that, because she had been married to my dad for the majority of her lifetime. Whatever. I believed her. So I broke it off with the guys that I was seeing on the side and came back a week later and told him that I would marry him. He was so happy. So blind.
What was your relationship with Peter like? Did you get along? Did you love him?
Ahh, Peter. Well he’s not anything special really. Just an average guy. He worked hard in college, and once we got married he worked even harder. He wants kids so bad. I must be a good liar, because I’m pretty sure he thinks I want kids too. I don’t really know if I ever really loved him. He’s a good guy, and I care about him well enough. But I know that I’ll be fine without him. There are others. There was another, in fact.
Yeah. I tried to keep it together but after three years, I got bored with him and I met this guy through work. He wasn’t anything special either. Just something different. Keep me on my toes, you know?
Is he why you’re getting a divorce from Peter?
No. Not at all. I don’t love the guy, or really care about him all that much anyway. I’m divorcing Peter because he’s boring. He doesn’t ever want to do anything. He’s totally fine with toiling his life away for a big house and a big car. Why not travel a little? Live a little? Do something exciting? I know that we can’t all be international spies or celebrities, but why not pretend? He even got boring in the bed room, you know? And then this whole having kids thing? Ugh. It got to the point where he didn’t want to have sex with me unless we didn’t use contraceptives. So I just got that little hormone strip in my arm so he wouldn’t find out that I was on birth control. Peter, Peter, Peter. I hope you never hear this, you pretty little thing. That made things really tense in the bedroom. Him thinking that there was something wrong with us. He even started looking into adoption close to the end. He didn’t even realize that I was done with him. Like I said, nice guy, and I hope he finds someone to be happy with, but he’s got nothing more that I want.
What do you want more than anything?
I want to be happy, and live an exciting life. I want to find someone that I actually want to be with, not just someone to use. I don’t want to be used anymore. I guess I’d like someone who can I open up to, and not have them judge me. Like you are now.
Kourt, I’m not judging you. I understand your motivations, your fears. You’ll find that someone, that I can promise. But first you need to take a look at yourself and do a serious reevaluation of your life and relationships with others, men especially.
