Hold me closer. Your arms will keep me warm, and mine will warm your heart.
ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚
Pairing: Phainon X reader.
Sypnosis: Though times of hardship come to pass, some scars take longer than others to heal.
Warnings: ISTG its no Angst. Phainon forgot his PTSD meds after dinner and decided to make it the entire town's problem. A bit of negative self talk on his side but reader is being a sweetheart about it. Amphoreus needs its own warning. Aaaand... maybe this doesn't count as a warning in itself, but I shed a few tears while writting this, and a few more while editing it.
A.N: I could sacrifice my entire hair to get a few minutes in hsr to tell phainon just how much love we (yes, you and I) have to give him. Not even joking. And yes, I am and Phainonolcoholic.
Also, dont mind the title. It was part of a dialogue that I had to remove, but didn't have the heart to discard entirely. Sorry about that 😭
W.C: 2.6K
ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚ [My masterlist]
PLEASE DO NOT FEED TO AI OR POST ANYWHERE ELSE FOR ANY REASON OR EXCUSE.
ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚
Everything felt too dark and too bright all at once. He couldn't really move, forced in a state of helplessness that made of him barely anything more than a fool caught up in a cosmic carnage.
The smell of smoke and agony mixed into the air to send of a gut-wrenching horror of a fragrance that rose in columns to touch the sky. It muffled the screams and cries around him. Voices he should have recognized, and others he never heard before, all bleeding into one another in a cacophony of lament that pierced through his eardrums.
𐌂ዐ𐌵ክ𐌕ረ𐌄ነ𐌔 𐌂ሃ𐌂ረ𐌄ነ
Ẅ̨̘̞̰͎̞̩̣̦̅̎̂̽͂̉h̴̷̡̗̜͉̤͍̉̆̃̄̅̇̿ͅy̡̺̤͍̮̺̥̠̋̉̇̉̈̔̕ͅ
₴ɆɆ ɎØɄ ₮Ø₥ØⱤⱤØ₩
F̵̡̳̣̰̖̞̳̯̘̲͈̟͇̱̪̰͊̈́͊́̍ͯ͛ͨ͌̅̃͗ȯ̢̮͈ͯ̃ͦ͊̔̎̚r̵̨̪̙͕͔̬̖͙̘̭ͦ͗̐̄̕͘͞_̞̞͇͍͂͋͛̍ͤͩͩ̍͋̓͠͡͡ t̴̢̤̤ͪͮ̈́ͯ̽ͮ̃ͦh̶̢̭̟̺̪͎̤͈̩̰ͪ͆̊̐ͯͤ͑̒͋͋́̂̽͟͝e̴̷̡̨̡̛̫̝̝͙̬̰̞̣̞̜̻̻̳̩̤̣̙̎ͧ̈̋ͧ̊ͧ̈ͪ͛́̅͑͠ n͒e̵̝ͭ̉̂ͩͫ͐͊w̴̶̡̢̧̯̹͓͎͇̩̜̩̫̣̹͚̙̻ͥ͂̈ͨ͒̔̿̐̑̄̀̓̐ͣ͆ͨ͟͝͞ ḑ̊͒̿̉͆_̶̸̴̧̛̻̱̞̻̤͖̘̌̀͋ͨͥ̔̈́̋̔͟͜͠͞a̵̷̧̢͙̮̪̙̱̮̞̥̖̯͔̱͎̗͖̥̜̩͉ͨ̄́ͯ͐ͤ͛ͮ̑̕w̸̶̢̧̛̗̩̞͔̱͙̘̻̲̼̙͙ͦ̈́͊̔̓͌ͩͬ͐̾ͪ̀͋̇ͮ̀̊ͫ͑ͩ̑̊ͯ͝͠͠ͅn̵̵̲͔̥̹̺͎͚̙̼͙̝̲͈̻͙͈͋́ͬ̄̌̎̓͗͒̉͂ͨͩ͐ͪ͜͞
ꑀ꒦ꑀꌅꐔꊿꃔꑀ'ꈜ ꅐ꒐ꈜꁝꑀꈜ
𐌁𐌄𐌀𐌐 𐌕𐋅𐌄 Ꮤ𐌄𐌉Ᏽ𐋅𐌕 Ꝋ𐌅 𐌀 𐌌𐌉𐌋𐌋𐌉Ꝋ𐌍 𐌂Ꝋ𐌐𐌄𐌅𐌋𐌀𐌌𐌄𐌔
He couldn't make out any sense from the wails, but their weight surely reached him, cruelly crowding in his chest until he could barely move it for a breath.
And it grew.
Everything did.
It grew darker. Grew louder. Grew heavier.
Grew, grew, and grew…
Until the pain reached it worse, stabbing through the middle of his chest with a flare of white and searing heat.
No blood spilled, but he felt whatever blade it was pull back with an unforgiving force, yanking away the little warmth that wasn't eroded by the misery around him. It tore out his soul with a throat-crushing scream.
Then his eyes opened.
A dream.
Nothing but a dream.
He sat up, wincing slightly as he felt the rate at which his heart raced. Every beat of it felt painfully strong, almost as if it were trying ti break free from his rib cage.
'Just a dream.' He tried to remind himself as he tried to shift with the least sound possible to stand by the bedside.
That, until he felt a warm touch weakly close around his fingertips.
"Phai…non…?" His name left your lips in a groggy whisper, its last syllable pinched higher into something akin to a question.
He pursed his lips, sitting back down carefully to not jolt you more than necessary.
"Go back to sleep, Dawnlight." He whispered back, hoping that his low tone would hide the crack in his voice.
Apparently not. You shifted, bracing yourself up on one arm, bringing the other up to rub the sleep off your half open eyes.
"Are you alright?" You asked, voice a bit hoarse, scrapping against words in a way that usually made his heart flutter.
But not now. His heart was busy hammering its panicked escape out of his chest. "Yes. I was merely going for a sip of water." He replied, forcing a smile on his face and praying that the lack of light at such a time would make up for the lack of its truthfulness. "My apologies. I didn't mean to wake you up."
You blinked slowly, brain still powering up. "Just head back to sleep." He whispered in a soft tone, moving to stand up once more.
"You're a terrible liar." You replied with the hint of a smile in your voice, letting yourself fall back on your pillow.
He stops, head dropping slightly, just enough for the messy cloud of hair to fall forth and hide his face.
"The bottle on your bed table is still full and untouched." You continued, sounding more lucid by the seconds.
"I am sorry." He apologized once more, sounding awfully guilty for such a silly thing." I truly didn't mean to wake you up."
"I know." You replied, reaching for his wrist, gently tugging on it to bring him back to your side. He lets you guide him without as much as a word of protest.
"You're the only one who ever says that…" He mumbles, sounding somewhat sulky.
People rarely dared to questioned him, after all. Most bit into whatever illusory imagery he gave. You were the only one who took the habit of calling him out for it.
Then again, your take on it was the only one that had truly ever mattered. Its is not that his deceit came out of malice, but rather out of something that would look like insecurity at first glance, only to turn out to be something much deeper than that, something in him that wouldn't wish for anyone to bear the weight of his own suffering.
Something that you had somehow managed to bypass.
You smiled faintly. "I don't hear you complain about it…"
"I am not." He mumbled in an even more hushed tone, something that always had a specific way to make you melt a bit more each time.
Silence fell over the room once more. Neither of you broke it for a long moment. You just sat down, hand in hand, until a yawn broke out from your lips.
"You should head back to sleep." He gently prompted.
"I should. But I can't. I'm cold." You replied.
He blinked, looking at your half wrapped silhouette, before sighing in tired resignation.
"Its the month of Everday." He replied. It was the month with the warmest nights all year long.
'You're an even more terrible liar than I am.'
But he knew that your deceit didn't come from malice either, but from the overflowing affection you held for him.
So, he didn't call out on you blatant lie and moved to lie back next to you, one arm finding the hollow between the pillow and your neck the other moving the draw the blanket over your form.
He looked down to the contempt smile that had stretched on your lips, and nearly inched closer to steal a taste of it if not for the lingering unease that filled his chest.
"Better?" He asked, voice so hushed, as if he feared breaking the veil of serenity cast upon the two of you if he spoke louder than he should.
You nodded, shifting to inch closer to him. You brought your hand up to gently rest your palm on the side of his face, fingers gently threading through the strands that had cast a shadow over his sky-colored eyes.
You both knew that from this angle, with the window behind your back and him facing you, moonlight would shine upon all the tell-signs he had tried to hide in the darkness of the night: the damp lashes, the red-rimming of his half-open eyes, the dried streaks of tears that had rolled down the fair skin of his cheeks, the unusual paleness of his features.
It didn't take a scholar from the Grove to deduce that he just went through something rather unpleasant.
"Another nightmare?" You finally asked softly.
He nodded, not trusting the steadiness of his voice with a verbal answer. He had calmed down much compared to earlier, thanks to your quips. But he was still far from his usual self.
You pursed your lips. "Was it the same once again?"
He looked away, looking almost apologetic for showing such a vulnerable side to you. "Yes. The cycles all over again…" He fell silent fir a moment before continuing with an even quieter voice. "The screams, the blood, the agony I had brought to the world in the name of salvation… the monster I almost became."
It wasn't the first time he had told you that. And though you didn't personally remember it, you had heard from him about a time where Amphoreus was a calamity trapped in a world, an error that should have never occurred, a mistake that would have had the entire universe paying for its price. He had told you the tale he had to shoulder, the story of hundreds of thousands lifetimes he had to walk toward an end that was just about as clear as mist could ever be. He had told you about the abomination that he had nearly come to be if he hadn't held upon the hope of a future that his companions carved into existence.
And though it all sounded like a far fetched story, the gravity on his face, the weight on his shoulders and the shaking of his hands as he spoke of it told you that it was no joking matter. You had never seen him so rattled in all of the time you've known him.
So you believed him with all your heart. Even more so when the rest of the Chrysos heirs had told you similar stories upon inquiry.
And since, every now and then, you'd wake up to his distress after dreams that brought him back to those times.
"But I see no monster in my bed." You replied with half a smile. "Only a very handsome man on the verge of collapse." You teased softly, hands brushing the stands away from his face.
"Don't…" He whispered, his voice cracking on the syllable, eyes still avoiding.
"It's okay, Phainon." You murmured back. "Would you look at me, please?" You beckoned him with a few blinks and the sweetest voice you could muster in your drowsy state.
He fell silent for a moment before moving again, his arms bringing you closer in his embrace. With your head buried between his neck and pulse point, you felt him shake his head faintly.
You let a muffled sigh against the collar of his shirt. "You're deflecting, young man."
"Please." His voice felt more like a rumble deep in his chest with how he held you, lacking any jest. "Let me get away with this much now."
You fell silent for a moment. You knew him well enough to not deny him this much when he asked so quietly for it. You felt the way his arms tightened around you as if he was trying ti sear your body's shape against his, like that would be all the proof he would need to convince himself that his aeons' lasting agony had already come to an end.
Phainon buried his nose in the crown of your head, breathing in your scent to wash his lungs from the memory of the twisted dream. One of his hands rested against the small of your back while the other tangled with the locks at the base of your head.
That was all he wanted. That was all he needed. That was the cure to his scars.
You.
Your presence.
The simple proof that you weren't dead again in one of the many cycles he had counted over and over.
The evidence that it had all paid off.
"I love you." Your voice suddenly broke the silence. You pulled your head back just enough to look at him. "You know, right?"
His eyes finally dared to meet yours. The words were at the tip of his tongue. He never was one to shy away from reciprocating your often exaggerated declarations of adoration, but for some reason, even as his lips parted, no sound left his throat.
"So even if you find that you running out of love for yourself, I would always have enough to make up for it. Alright, Phainon?" You continued, a genuine, sincere smile gracing your face.
His breath caught in in his lungs, and his heart gave another loud squeeze in his chest, although for an entirely different reason this time.
"I love you, Phainon." You repeated. Your words were steady, your voice soft. Not a hint of doubt or deceit in them. Whispered with the confidence one would have in waking up to a shining sun the next day: the kind of belief they would hold in an unchanging fact of life.
"I absolutely, utterly, and dearly love you." You dragged a finger to trace his features. "My sun. My moon. My sky. My world." With each word, you drew a stroke oh so soft across his skin. "My sunshine. My moonlight. The peace of my heart. The joy of my life."
He couldnt reply, couldnt even imagine interrupt you as you rested there, half covered by his arms and shadow, recounting every beautiful name your tongue could pronounce, each dripping with affection more than the other.
"My strength when I'm too weak to stand. My solace when I'm too burdened to live. My comfort when the world runs out of kindness to offer."
Your finger drew a line down to the sun tattoo on the side of his neck. "The prettiest flower in my garden. The shiniest star in my sky. The best of what I could have ever known…"
Your finger finally stopped under his chin, only for both of your hands to come up and cup his face. You saw the tears in his eyes, and felt your heart melt even more.
"The most beautiful sight of all. The most worthy of everything I have." Your thumbs swept over a stray tear. "Tell me, why do you look so apologetic for showing me who you are? I would rather wake up in the midst of night to hold your shaking arms rather than sleep through your pain."
"I love you. I love you so much. With everything I have. I love you with everything you are: the man, the hero, the boy, the warrior, the wounded, the almost-world-shattering-monster… all of it is you. All of it mine to cherish. So… would you let me?" You tilted your head a bit on his arm.
At a loss of words, he could only let a soft shuddering exhale. "How… could you say that…" He whispered, closing his eyes when the sight of you became too much: too much beauty for him to just stay still, too much perfection in the messiness of your hair across your pillow, too much sublimity in the moonlight that illuminated your smile, too much adoration in your voice for him to just take in.
"How could I?" You chuckled. "I-"
"You can't just say things like this, Y/N…" he opened his eyes again, not even trying to hold his tears anymore. His voice broke on the last syllable of your name. "You can't just say things like this and expect me to not- to not-" The last of his sentence choked on the lack of a word to explain the aching sweetness it caused in his heart.
"I am not expecting anything." You replied. "You have already done enough as it is, my heart."
He let a small sound, something between a sob and a snort. "You're unfair… How am I supposed to answer to this?"
You smiled, inching closer to his cupped face to plant a gentle kiss right on the damp spot beneath his eye. "Its alright. I have enough words for both of us. You focus on feeling better. Alright?"
The man, who usually stands to be twice your size, folded in half to burry his face in the crook of your neck. Your hands came up to gently play with his hair in soothing ministrations.
"Just rest now. I'll be here if you wake up again." You whispered, bringing the blanket over his shoulders.
"I don't know what I did to deserve such kindness from you, Y/N… But please… don't stop. Never stop. I love you- I really do. Beyond what my current state allows me to say…" His voice was muffled against your neck.
"You don't know what you did?" You replied, a hint of a smile creeping back in your voice. "Hm… a true conundrum, indeed. Perhaps…. Maybe, I don't know, the fact that you saved the fate of an entire world- no, allow me to correct myself, entire universes? I'm not the wisest, so I can't really be sure…" You teased, smug until you felt a warm peck on your collar bone.
"H- hey- what are you-"
"You should sleep." He mumbled gently, not sounding the least teasing, but not truly apologetical either.
Titans above… this man would be the damnation of you.
ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚ [My masterlist]
A.N: The most gut-wrenching misery I ever had the unfortunate chance to live was to be born in a Phainon-less world. No among of words could ever convey the depth of the emotion I hold for this stupidly precious guy.