#phanmyass

[amazingdanielhowell]

i absolutely love my icon because it makes me happy to remember him but i miss justin so much...i didn’t even know him irl why do i miss him like this :’(

[maetaurus]

There was a memory wall where we could hang up pictures of loved ones that we had lost to suicide. I printed out a picture of Justin and hung it up.

[amazingdanielhowell]

i still think about justin sometimes. i’ve been thinking about him a lot lately because one of my friends is going to germany to visit their friend and i can’t help but think that i was supposed to do that at one time too. we talked and joked from late night to early morning about how fun it would be--how i would fly in and justin would be waiting with a stupid sign saying ‘Ich bin ein Wassermelon’ because of a stupid joke we had. i’d bring him american candy and he’d give me a tight hug and for a week or so, we could forget every responsibility we have without a care in the world. we could forget about shitty things that have happened and giggle like children staying up past their bedtime just to spite their parents. we could have slept in all day and stayed up all night watching the same movie or anime over again just because we had nothing better to do. i would have been finally able to hug my friend for the first time, and second time, and third time, until we hugged all that we could then still hug once more because we were finally there, seeing each other in person--not being stuck behind a computer screen.

i miss talking to him all the time. i miss how i could complain about working in a hospital and he’d know exactly how i felt because he just had a patient like that the other week or that same gross substance spilled on him too. i miss his love for finding nemo and high school musical which he swore was ironic but we both knew he really did love it. i miss telling him to go to sleep when he was tired but wanted to stay up and talk. i miss his fear of thunderstorms and trying to calm him down whenever rain clouds rolled in.

sometimes i hear the thunder and think of him. i wonder if he’s being comforted by someone, wherever he is. i hope he’s not scared. when the lightning flashes across the sky, i wonder if he remembers to smile because i told him it’s just dan taking pictures of him. 

i wonder if he still finds comfort in the rain.

[amazingdanielhowell]

pls ignore just need to get stuff out :)

i don't exactly know why, but i've been thinking about you a lot lately. it just hit me really hard recently that i will never talk to you again and get a reply. of course i have known this since november, but it's like my brain decided to turn off and turn back on and now i'm discovering tons of new things--including knowing that you're not on earth anymore.

usually with death, i'm able to handle things quite well seeing as it happens around me a lot. i go to the person's funeral, cry for a while, but then i start the acceptance process. what makes you different is that i didn't get to say goodbye. i couldn't go to your funeral or wake. i can't visit your grave and give you flowers and sit there until the graveyard security kicks me out. i don't get any type of closure with you. no goodbye, no note/letter, no message... 

no one knows that i lost you because you're "just a random person on the internet". no one knows how much it hurts to talk all night and actually feel a little happy and make plans to visit each other then have it ripped right out under me.

i know you weren't happy and i know things haven't been okay for a while. i tried so hard to fix it but without being there, there really wasn't anything else i could do. that doesn't mean i don't miss you, because i do. i miss you like fucking crazy. 

remember when you said it would be better off if you were gone because no one would care or miss you? you were wrong then, and you're still wrong now. nothing is okay. i still care. i still miss you. and i don't think i ever will go a day where i don't miss you or i don't care because even though i was sad then, you were an incredibly bright light in my life and now that light is gone and i'm left in the dark. i miss my light. i miss you.

[thewaydansmiless]

Phanmyass

So I was scrolling through my dashboard and saw a few people talking about this person named Justin and I didn't know what was going on until I looked through his tags. And I must say I am immensely sad. I didn't know him, but he was a part of our phamily. And now I wish I had known him so I could send him sweet messages to make him smile. But sadly I can't. So hopefully you're in a good place, Justin. And I hope your family and friends grow stronger. And to those dealing with depression, you can message me anytime. I'll always lend an ear. Just know that you are never alone <3

[fusedaura]

For Justin

I know I’m late, but I would like to say something regardless. I didn’t talk to Justin much, but he was the older brother I never had. When I wrote the Corn Fic (yes sorry that was me) it was only a joke. It was late and Jen was having another creepy corn spree with her followers. I wrote it as a joke and had no intention of posting it at all. But on a whim I asked Justin if he would be interested in reading it and giving me feedback. He said he would love to read it, so I sent it to him. I’ll re read my messages every now and then and I smile every time I see his response. He said that it was really good, in a weird way. He encouraged me to post it, but only if I was comfortable. I had never posted any of my work before. That was the first. I did it, and while I would never admit it to people in person, I wrote it and I was proud that at least Justin liked it. I was too shy to talk to him after that, I was afraid he wouldn’t like me. But I wish everyday that I had had the nerve to keep talking to him. I’m so thankful for what he did, however insignificant it may seem. It meant the world to me and it still does. Rest In Peace Justin.