05.10.2016 (Wed) Counting the weeks...
Thesis:
It’s as if all the chapters are perfectly making sense in my head, but I am afraid to write some words and thoughts out and make adjustments. My friend just finished his thesis and I am so happy for him! And really worrying about my pace, because I was supposed to be done NOW.DH always asks how he can support me. There really is no way. I just have to do it.
I am just slowly thinking, now is the time to just finish it up and hand it in, no matter what the grades are. I am not getting younger. I want to live without the burden of the thesis every day, worrying everyday. Obessing over past mistakes and bad writing.
Upcoming Conference:
A professor I highly respect gave me an extended deadline for my proposal of the conference he is organizing, and a very detailed feedback on my original proposal I submitted to him in time. He practically wants some details altered; and I should be flattered he takes his precious time to give me that extra attention and this tremendous chance; but I have difficulties in executing. I am always questioning myself. “Is it good enough?“ or “What if he doesn’t like what I changed in the text?“ or “Maybe he thinks the original proposal was so ridiculous that he, out of spite, was commenting in detail on it?“
Upcoming publication:
I have been postponing this for months. I don’t know why. I love the style and it is only 350 pages or so. Usually, it takes me one day to read through, and another to read again, so I can make notes and focus on the passages I need for the publication. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
Issues:
So, apparently I have many treats for Asperger syndrome (which runs in the family; I just never considered myself for having it, since I am objectively the most stupid person in my family- surrounded by far-above-average-intelligent/if not brilliant family members and sibling), and the clinic wants me to come in for a proper examination. I am quite dumbfounded by this, but it would explain a lot. Just afraid I could be some freak with psychological issues unrelated to Asperger’s.
Vacation:
Other than the conferences and jobs outside of the city, which have been a welcoming distraction from working at my home-office, I haven’t had a proper vacation for 1 year and 9 months(!). So DH and I are finally going on a two-weeks trip to meet with family overseas, have some business meetings, catch up with friends. It will be a good opportunity to just let go of the stress and enjoy life a bit.
I want to go back to my happy self, not seeing “studying“ as this huge burden - I used to love soaking knowledge in, and I feel like I struggle everyday to meet my goals. It has to get better now.