No title available
❣ Chile in a Photography ❣
PR's Tumblrdome
Sweet Seals For You, Always
d e v o n
dirt enthusiast
Mike Driver
Janaina Medeiros
Xuebing Du
titsay
AnasAbdin
Cosmic Funnies
No title available
Acquired Stardust
almost home
RMH
I'd rather be in outer space 🛸
let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open
Peter Solarz
🪼
seen from Vietnam
seen from Malaysia
seen from Australia
seen from Thailand
seen from Singapore
seen from Türkiye
seen from United States
seen from France
seen from Germany
seen from Malaysia
seen from Türkiye
seen from Australia
seen from Türkiye
seen from Türkiye
seen from Netherlands
seen from Malaysia
seen from Singapore
seen from France
seen from Finland
seen from Malaysia
@phdnote-blog
So, this project-
I was going to do it for half the normal price out of desperateness.
I asked if the price was negotiable and I mentioned what the market price range for such a job would be normally.
It was not.
But they told me they can mention it to the upper management anyway.
And two hours later, I got a mail that they negotiated funding and will pay me the highest amount I mentioned.
“Ask, and it will be given to you.”
2017.02.07 Tuesday: Fail and Hope
People told me that the last weeks are the worst.
We had to move suddenly. This caught me off guard, but I am happy we spent the energy on that, because - f*ck the landlady (karma is a b---, I hope her second marriage fails as well) and that expensive sh*thole. We moved into a dream place and are SO MUCH HAPPIER. It was totally worth the effort at the end of 2016.
HEALTH ISSUES
Since the first day this year, I have been sick. Physically sick. I did not only have fever and stayed in bed for 2,5 weeks and then still be weak and struggling with a cold for almost the whole month of January; as soon as I began to recover, I got physically ill again.
My whole body shut down and got sore and I was forced to rest. I reached a point where my body told my mind to “relax and chill”, and it allowed nothing else but resting.
FAILURE
I failed to work for 2,5 weeks.
I saw publication deadlines come and go, my supervisor gave me a deadline I can’t meet now, and I felt like a failure. DH was working so hard to finance my last months so I didn’t need to worry, but yeah. I hate being a burden, and on top of being unable to work and going to the doctor’s every week for checkup and prescription drugs, I was also worried about money now.
I cried myself to sleep out of frustration not being able to work on my thesis, out of exhaustion, because my body was itching and aching and sore, and out of despair - because what was coming now, if my supervisor did not want to prolong my supervision?
Do you believe in something?
I always did, because if you see the whole picture, I was always lucky in life. The day after I had so many worries in my head I didn’t know what to do, I received one offer after another...
A friend of mine needed help with his work and offered me a position (part-time) to help out, with payment, of course. (I used to work in this field and love it, but had to stop due to my thesis.
Another old friend rang me up to ask me to edit their new publication. (Working with a book, yay!)
The professor I met last year suggested we look for financing opportunities when I want to take upon the tasks of translating one of his publications into another language. (Combining my side job and my love for books is just really, really cool!)
An old client of mine asked me to take a big project for the upcoming 5 months! (I was thinking of digital nomading, and this is just it!! Securing basic income while working whenever I want as long as I finish the project in June!)
I f*cking hate my life right now, as I can’t stop comparing myself to my colleagues and friends who are already done with their dissertations and are working. BUT. In my lowest moment of despair, I got a glimpse of hope again. That everything will be fine.
I feel like crap constantly. I feel like an imposter and a failure every. single. day. But then again, even really stupid people have been resilient enough to master it. Why shouldn’t I?
Letting go of my obsession to write the perfect paper.
Focussing on my health and just finishing the paper.
Next week, I have to hand in at least another chapter of my work, and I will be losing 3 days due to a family event I cannot not attend.
Breathing in and out. In and out.
It’s gonna be okay, any way.
I can do this.
You can do this.
“To survive this period, you have to be willing to fail from the moment you wake to the moment your head hits the pillow. You must be willing to fail for days on end, for months on end and maybe even for years on end. The skill you accrete during this trauma is the ability to imagine plausible solutions, and to estimate the likelihood that an approach will work.” (http://matt.might.net/articles/successful-phd-students)
16.11.2016 P.S. “Academic Lovecall”
After the conference, the professor who invited me, a luminary in one of the two fields my thesis is about, and I had a talk.
Prof: What are your plans now?
Me: I am lagging behind schedule for my dissertation, I have to be done now.
Prof: I am sure you will do fine. So, what are your plans after the PhD?
Me: Well, I’d like to continue studies in this area (if I ever finish my PhD thesis). How long are you going to be at your university?
Prof: Do I look that old?
Me: No, but I am not done with my dissertation yet. :D
Prof: Please come visit me when you are done. Let’s talk about further proceedings then.
I had several “lovecalls“ so far: from one of the biggest foundations in this country to work with them in that sector, from a secret service agency of a government, from several music labels, from business partners... Even from my father (with whom I can work on the side) - but this vague glimpse of a potential possibility (LOL) to work with this professor afterwards is more than THRILLING!
Now, I am not afraid to finish. i am not afraid of the void afterwards that made me procrastinate. Life goes on. Even though it might not work out with him in the end, just to know that SOMEONE might be interested in my research is so exciting and giving me hope!
Good vibes!
Hope you, too, have a nice day!
16.11.2016 Facing the Demons
After the long awaited vacation, my DH got sick and I got the flu, too. Was about to give up on presenting on the conference I was invited to- but I went with the permission only to attend the talks I was physically capable of.
Meeting my <arch enemy>:
If you are lucky, you have a nice academic life, with mentors and professors and colleagues helping you on the way. I, unfortunately, happened to meet one of the worst in our field right in the beginning of my thesis project.
This one person who told me at the beginning of my career I should change my thesis subject (because as a “foreigner”, I would not be capable of “knowing” enough of the subject) was participating at the conference as well. (Hello, small world, and hello, I’ve “grown” enough to be invited to the same events as that person now).
My demon ever since was the though to not be good enough, ever. I know it is my responsibility, and I regret having spent so much time wondering if I was ever good enough... But here I am.
(That person had offended several other “foreign“ PhD candidates as well, with the same statements, I had learned. And I was witnessing her racism first hand, when I was - to eliminate all possible misunderstandings from our “talk“ - sitting in one of the seminars. That person had the nerve to laugh about a student of colour who did not pronounce a word right (the student stressed the wrong syllable of the word she was using). I came to develop very strong negative vibes about that person.)
I met that awful person face to face for the first time in a long time at the conference and pretended not to know her that well.
I hate gossip, and talking behind backs, but there was a moment of confidentiality with another participant. And I learned that my arch enemy had stolen a project from another professor. Mailing list and concept and all. W.T.F.
I was speechless. And in a way, I was glad that I was not the only victim.
I thought I want to revenge all the wrongdoings, and my personal one came earlier than I thought: at <My Presentation>.
Due to my illness (f-ing 2016, you have been the shittiest year in a loooong time regarding my health, and R.I.P. Leonard Cohen and David Bowie and Alan Rickman), I was working a total of solely two days on a 30 minute presentation and I managed to write 16 pages (yay!).
It was the first time I did not run the text by another person, DH or my mentor, but I was somehow, too exhausted by the flu and in a way, confident that it was good enough.
Yeah. I want to humble brag at this point, because I deserve it after all these years. I really feel like I do.
I rocked it. I was able to shut down criticism by that person-I-really-don’t-like and also turned the statement of our conversation years ago into a counter-argument of that comment.
It felt so f-ing awesome.
Several professors and colleagues came after the discussion to give me more input, and moreover, tell me how great my presentation was, their thoughts on it, mentioned relevant projects and also: that they were looking forward to the printed version. I mean, DARN, I was so thankful and filled with pride and joy and I coudln’t believe it.
When I confided in another colleague that I wasn’t sure how my presentation went, he told me he was very impressed by my professional demeanor, work so far and could not believe I would question my knowledge and skills at any time.
Since I was constantly doubting myself over the years, and had developed a “monster” in my head that my work wasn’t worth it, the encouraging words and compliments of a fellow colleague meant a lot to me.
I have come a long way, and I still have some rocks on the way and really, time is running out. I lag behind my schedule to be finished in September. BUT. To know that I have learned and studied so much to be able to present my thoughts to an academic audience, to defend my paper and to be able to deliver a statement without being intimidated by professors and other academics is really making me feel somewhat relieved.
If there is anybody out there reading through my ramblings and has experienced something similar bad, I want to say not to let it get to your substance. I wasted so much time self-doubting myself and not believing in myself. I forgot how it feels to be trusted, to actually KNOW that the years I studied were not in vain.
I don’t have to finish my PhD thesis at al at this point in my life, but I regained my confidence, I feel good and I am happy to do what I do at the moment.
I am not the type of person to stick to plans, and I was very afraid to be left with nothing, but even though I have not kept up with the 100 days of productivity, I have managed to write more on my thesis and I feel it doesn’t take much longer now.
Facing the person who gave me nightmares helped me to overcome the fear. Now I am facing the demons of doing everything last minute, because of my fear not to be good enough. Facing the demons of self-doubt and procrastination.
This is Day 1 of my new life.
Have a nice productive rest-of-the-week, you all! You are not alone!
When you ignored an email from a professor, because you were afraid he will reject your proposal - but he only wrote because he really wants me to participate in the conference and to tell you to hurry up
WHEN YOU FIND OUT YOUR PAPER IS ACCEPTED TO A HIGH IMPACT JOURNAL
credit: Aaron
05.10.2016 (Wed) Counting the weeks...
Thesis:
It’s as if all the chapters are perfectly making sense in my head, but I am afraid to write some words and thoughts out and make adjustments. My friend just finished his thesis and I am so happy for him! And really worrying about my pace, because I was supposed to be done NOW.DH always asks how he can support me. There really is no way. I just have to do it.
I am just slowly thinking, now is the time to just finish it up and hand it in, no matter what the grades are. I am not getting younger. I want to live without the burden of the thesis every day, worrying everyday. Obessing over past mistakes and bad writing.
Upcoming Conference:
A professor I highly respect gave me an extended deadline for my proposal of the conference he is organizing, and a very detailed feedback on my original proposal I submitted to him in time. He practically wants some details altered; and I should be flattered he takes his precious time to give me that extra attention and this tremendous chance; but I have difficulties in executing. I am always questioning myself. “Is it good enough?“ or “What if he doesn’t like what I changed in the text?“ or “Maybe he thinks the original proposal was so ridiculous that he, out of spite, was commenting in detail on it?“
Upcoming publication:
I have been postponing this for months. I don’t know why. I love the style and it is only 350 pages or so. Usually, it takes me one day to read through, and another to read again, so I can make notes and focus on the passages I need for the publication. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
Issues:
So, apparently I have many treats for Asperger syndrome (which runs in the family; I just never considered myself for having it, since I am objectively the most stupid person in my family- surrounded by far-above-average-intelligent/if not brilliant family members and sibling), and the clinic wants me to come in for a proper examination. I am quite dumbfounded by this, but it would explain a lot. Just afraid I could be some freak with psychological issues unrelated to Asperger’s.
Vacation:
Other than the conferences and jobs outside of the city, which have been a welcoming distraction from working at my home-office, I haven’t had a proper vacation for 1 year and 9 months(!). So DH and I are finally going on a two-weeks trip to meet with family overseas, have some business meetings, catch up with friends. It will be a good opportunity to just let go of the stress and enjoy life a bit.
I want to go back to my happy self, not seeing “studying“ as this huge burden - I used to love soaking knowledge in, and I feel like I struggle everyday to meet my goals. It has to get better now.
LITTLE REMINDER #004
2016.08.17. (Wed)
Back!
Yoga definitely helped me getting back on track - and now I am doing a small pause and focussing on getting fitter at the gym.
Been to the international conference I was looking forward to and met a professor from last’s year’s international conference in Warsaw in my field, along with my mentor and lots of other nice colleagues and professors. I met one of the professors that have been dominating my field so far; and I hope to work with him in the future.
It has been a good opportunity to introduce myself, and I will be published in his book later, so this is really awesome. He invited me to participate in another conference related to my field of studies at the end of this year; but I REALLY have only WEEKS left till the deadline of my dissertation. Torn between working on a publication for a professor which works I have been using the past years, and the pressure of HAVING to finish my thesis paper.
Meanwhile, I decided I will work on a freelance project this month after a few months off work, because my savings have been drained and I don’t want DH to pay for everything. :(
It feels better to be able to work, to earn money, not to be reliant on another degree. This is getting loads of burden off my shoulders. I have alternatives. The thesis is just a project which I LOVE to do. Always remember.
2016.05.11. (Wed)
This year was really starting badly. I have been so sick and there have been so many struggles in my private life.
I went tabula rasa with all the drama and started again. Took a week off and went to yoga classes every day, and can feel the difference physically. It is as if all past sickness, annoyances, grief, pain etc. that was clogging up my life are oozing out of my body. I am eating healthy, feeling fit again. I had my bike fixed, donated clothes and shoes and all “stuff“ like DVDs and books.
It feels so real now.
Starting over.
2016.04.27 Wednesday
I was sick for a few weeks - all pores of my body seemed to scream that I should take more care of myself, both mentally and physically. Nobody knew what I had until a few days ago.
The job has been completed successfully and I have been able to pay off open “debts” and treat myself and a dear friend to a much-needed massage.
I have been five times to doctors with every possible examination (blood, venes, bones, junctions etc.), until the final one found out what I had. Also, he prescribed me an overall analysis of my back and spine - so I will get a fitness plan in addition to a nutrition plan from the other doctor.
The past weeks were truly a turning point in my life.
It seems as if every single friend around me is showing me how NOT to live life. So many are suffering from self-inflicted stress and sadness and jealousy. I am forcing myself to get out into the sun every day for at leat half an hour and treat myself with a good coffee or a good meal, or a good talk - and at least some quality time with myself without thinking and worrying too much about the thesis. The days feel so much better.
The upcoming conference and presentation will be a good “test“ if the thesis is going to work or not, since I will closely work with professors whose works I am citing. Kind of excited, only a bit worried. Love challenges.
Talked to a former PhD candidate-colleague was telling me she suffered from depression. We all need to take better care of ourselves. The thesis is something we should LOVE to work on, not suffer from it.
Thinking positive. Will start counting the days down again.
All will be fine :)
(D-72&D-71) 2016.04.08 &04.09 Friday & Saturday
Spent both days doing errands and preparing for the job.
The writer whose book I am about to review contacted me and requested a copy of it - and it’s not even published yet ... But such a nice coincidence that he wrote first; I was about to contact him anyway regarding my thesis, since he is an expert on a certain part I am working on.
THANK YOU.
(D-73) 2016.04.07 Thursday
Application was confirmed by that summer school. I sososososo want to participate! #wishmeluck
The insitutes where I inquired about teaching positions didn’t answer yet. I should write an article about bureaucracy and whyyyyyy it takes so long to get things done in Europe.
Working on library book that I have to return tmrw.
Started reading the novel that I want to present at the conference in summer.
If I had been faster, I could apply for a scholarship for XYZ. My plans now, with all these jobs and conferences and papers to write: Getting things done end of July.
Also, got an offer to DJ at a party. It’s been ages that I was on turntables. I really miss making music. All those things I have given up for this dissertation - is it really worth it?
Note to self: Don’t punish yourself for not being done with the PhD and withdraw from all the things you love. Just take your time and enjoy life. You only live once. Enjoy the ride...!
Today, my day consisted of:
Doing the laundry x2 #doingitfortwo
Negotiating offer for a project in Barcelona, Spain. #smallbutsteadyincome
Preparing for business trip to Bern, Switzerland. 3 days left. Still got to pick up my suit and silk blouse from the laundry service. #freakingoutabit
Job in Poland was postponed, but hopefully they get the team together soon (it took them six weeks already) and can squeeze it into the third or fourth week of April, because I might be in ...
... Munich, Germany next month for another big job. Just send off the offer for their inquiry. #freelancerdays
Hi Chelsea, I'm looking to masters programs and am interested in studying in the UK (I'm American). I've heard (from a professor of mine, who's Canadian) that some UK/EU degrees aren't valued as highly in American academia than if I were to stay in the US for grad school. Do you know if this is true?
i do not know, i’m sorry! i have heard similar things, but definitely not in enough detail to confirm for you.
If I may add: I’m a Dutch MA student and I’ll be starting a PhD in English in the US next Fall. I thought about staying in Europe, but that would limit my future career market to Europe (and Asia), as indeed UK/EU degrees aren’t valued as much in the US as the other way around. The thing is, many UK/EU Masters degrees take only one year, whereas a two year MA is much more common in the US (in the Netherlands there are Research MAs that take two years) - as such making UK/EU MAs at least seemingly less rigorous than US MAs. Same goes for PhDs: in the UK a PhD is generally 3 years, and in Europe it’s 4 years, as opposed to the 5-7 years US-based PhDs usually take. You can still be an excellent scholar with a 3-year-long PhD program, but US universities seem to believe that you’re not as thoroughly trained with a shorter program. That being said, I don’t think a short MA degree would hurt your chances of getting into a US PhD so much… From what I’ve heard it’s mostly the shorter UK/EU PhDs that make it a lot harder to get a job in the US later.
My twopence ;)
Actually, I got my M.A. degree from a 2 years programme abroad (NON-EU), too, and I am glad I spent 2 years on the M.A. - in my field, it does make a difference. I have both 3 year-PhD-done and 10-year-PhD-done colleagues around me in the EU at the moment.
In general, a PhD from the EU is pretty solid, because of the tradition and the history. I also think it depends in which field you study that will determine the “higher value“ of your degree on the international market.
People advising you to go for a degree in the States, solely because it is supposedly more valuable... hm. Gives the wrong impression, IMHO. It depends on the university where you get your degree from in the States, I guess. But yes, the Ivy Leagues do seem to have amazing professors and scholars.
BUT. In the end, it doesn’t matter where you studied, as long as your research and findings are valuable.
(D-74) 2016.04.06 Wednesday
Confirmation of conference application inbox. I addressed the female professor as male. Duh. Note to self: BING IT before you send out an email to a person you have never heard of.
Initiative: Inquiring about teaching positions at neighbourhood universities. First result: European-University Viadrina Frankfurt (Oder) does not allow lecturers to apply for a teaching position. Wow.
11:40h. I need to go to the Dry Cleaners to check on previous items; but I can’t be bothered. I hope D.H. didn’t really forget several dress shirts there...
15:40h. Survived telephone conference and another adjusted offer sent out.
(D-82~D-75) 2016.03.29-05.04.2016 Tuesday to Tuesday
Still recovering from the flu
Final corrections of the article that is going to be published
Visited the tax office again - I really wished I would not be bothered with such wordly things.
Library - copying books, lending books. Overheard some bachelor students and realized everything at that stage of life seems exciting and dramatic. Had to smile. So glad I am not 18 and a drama queen any more.
Applied for a thematically very important Summer School 2016. Took me HOURS. I really, really, really want to meet that professor that is the keynote there.
Applied for a CFP for a conference in December, even though that wasn’t planned. I figured it has remotely to do with my thesis.
Finally(!!!) got the invitation for the conference this summer that is entirely paid for and also plans to publish the presentation papers afterwards - SO HAPPY. And professors aren’t always good planners. It took them MONTHS to reply...! The good thing: I can change the subject of my conference presentation and adjust it so it goes according to one of my dissertation chapters :D
Dealing the whole week (with fever and the rest of the flu) with that crappy agency that tried to overcharge the customer in my name. People are so ugly. Workin with people suxx. I’d rather be alone in my office and not deal with people. #hellocamus #helloexistentialism
Met with my journalist friend but did not discuss the political situation in the world. Was my personal excercise to be among people again; now that the sun is out, I can’t go out without meeting an acquaintance. Maybe we shouold really move to another part of the city.
Still not worked enough on the dissertation.
