#physicist dating

[phyzzy]

I'm seeing him tomorrow for the first time since this whole clusterfuck occurred.

I've gone nearly a week without crying and it's just hit me again. But I guess listening to My Chem on repeat isn't really helping matters.

Get it all out now, Chloe. Let all the tears fall now so they don't come tomorrow.

You can do this.

[phyzzy]

Jealousy is like watching your own funeral. It's sad until you realize you're still alive.

livelongandprosper on Imgur

[phyzzy]

I've finished a 57-hour week today.

On the plus side, I've earned over £400 for this week alone, so come January I'll officially have over £3000 in my bank account for the first time ever.

On the negative, I'm completely and utterly exhausted, sick as a dog (although, thankfully, on the mend) and feeling pretty low.

I hope I'm only so low because I'm so tired, but I'll have to see how I feel tomorrow. It doesn't help that I haven't really spoken to Cameron much this week as he's been so busy with homework and friends whenever I've not been busy (damn our calendars) but now that he's moved back with his parents for the holidays I'm hoping we'll get to talk a bit more again.

In other news, I'm going to church in the morning for the first time in a very long time. It's my grandma's 30th anniversary of being a layreader so we're going to support her. No idea how I'm going to stay awake/not burst into flames upon entry, but I'll do my best.

What do I even wear to church anyway? Pretty sure this is the only service I've ever been to that isn't a Christmas one...

[phyzzy]

Missing me is making him ill.

I feel so guilty. I know this isn’t my fault, it’s nothing I did, but I can’t help but feel at fault. If only I could have got a job in Sheffield, this could have been avoided. But then I would have given up my dream.

I’m so worried. He’s said that he has absolutely no intention of breaking up with me, which really helps, but I’m worried now less about our immediate future and more our further future. He graduates in the summer and will likely move back with his parents for the summer until starting a PhD or graduate job, and if I get on an MSc then I could be any of four places - four places which he is very unlikely to be. So that’s another year of distance. And then assuming I get on a PhD myself, there’s no guarantee at all that I’ll be at his university, which is another two or three years of distance, depending on him.

I always thought I could handle that. That we could do it.

I’ve realised that there’s no way in hell either of us could deal with that.

This is leading up to a huge talk that I really don’t want to have. Discussing sacrifices, compromises, and where we see ourselves going. And while I’m so hopeful that we can reach a livable compromise, the fact that it isn’t guaranteed is terrifying.

Cameron is the love of my life. I don’t mean to sound melodramatic, but I can’t imagine that there’s another person on the planet who fits so perfectly with me, and who I fit so perfectly with. Everyone who’s met him has told me never to let him go, and I will do anything in my power to never do it.

But I can’t be the only one sacrificing my dreams, and asking someone else to do it too is a big deal.

Oh god.

All I can do is hope.

[phyzzy]

7 days...

A week until I see Cam again.

I wish this would get easier. It's still so hard, I miss him every minute of every day, and the distance is so tough for both of us. I still worry that we won't make it, that it'll all just prove too much to bear.

It'd be easier if this had an end, I think. Not knowing how much longer this will last is the worst part. If I knew for certain that this time next year we'd be together again there'd be a light at the end of the tunnel, but because we both have separate paths that we want to follow that may or may not happen, we have no certain future.

It's the not knowing that's the hardest part.

At least I get to see him in seven days' time...

[phyzzy]

43.5

43 and a half hours to go until I see Cameron again

17 hours of work, three and a half hours of travelling. That's it.

Just keep going, Chloe, you're nearly there.

Just 43 and a half hours until I'm back in his arms again.

[phyzzy]

I didn't expect to miss him so much.

Even now, I'm just sitting here with my dad, cheering on Chelsea. Cam hates football and wouldn't even want to watch this, he'd be in another room somewhere doing something else. But I still miss him.

It's just a constant ache deep inside that never goes away. Sometimes I'm hardly aware of it, but other times it throbs so much it feels like I have a gaping hole in my chest.

People said it would get easier. It hasn't so far.

[phyzzy]

I hate this so much