I'm not dead, I only dress that way

[phyzzy]

I'm seeing him tomorrow for the first time since this whole clusterfuck occurred.

I've gone nearly a week without crying and it's just hit me again. But I guess listening to My Chem on repeat isn't really helping matters.

Get it all out now, Chloe. Let all the tears fall now so they don't come tomorrow.

You can do this.

[internetcrisis]

Apologies are painkillers, not the cure, hun.

[phyzzy]

I hate you. I hate you more than I thought it possible to ever hate someone. But I still love you. Am I an idiot?

[phyzzy]

Oh my god I think we're over I'm having a panic attack and it won't stop How am I supposed to make it through work tomorrow like this? Why are you doing this to me, Cam? Oh my fucking god

[phyzzy]

Your name is a golden bell hung in my heart. I would break my body to pieces to call you once by your name.

Butterfly, The Last Unicorn (Peter S. Beagle)

[phyzzy]

Jealousy is like watching your own funeral. It's sad until you realize you're still alive.

livelongandprosper on Imgur

[phyzzy]

I've finished a 57-hour week today.

On the plus side, I've earned over £400 for this week alone, so come January I'll officially have over £3000 in my bank account for the first time ever.

On the negative, I'm completely and utterly exhausted, sick as a dog (although, thankfully, on the mend) and feeling pretty low.

I hope I'm only so low because I'm so tired, but I'll have to see how I feel tomorrow. It doesn't help that I haven't really spoken to Cameron much this week as he's been so busy with homework and friends whenever I've not been busy (damn our calendars) but now that he's moved back with his parents for the holidays I'm hoping we'll get to talk a bit more again.

In other news, I'm going to church in the morning for the first time in a very long time. It's my grandma's 30th anniversary of being a layreader so we're going to support her. No idea how I'm going to stay awake/not burst into flames upon entry, but I'll do my best.

What do I even wear to church anyway? Pretty sure this is the only service I've ever been to that isn't a Christmas one...

[phyzzy]

Is it weird that I find myself fantasising about the mundane domestic things that I hope Cam and I will do in the future more than anything else right now? Earlier today I daydreamed about us doing a weekly shop, him grabbing the things off the top shelves that I can't reach and working together to pack bags at the checkout. Yesterday I drifted off imagining us decorating a Christmas tree and cuddling in front of the Muppets Christmas Carol. And a few days before that I remembered how nice it is to cook together, coordinating around the kitchen and taking turns stirring onions on the hob. I like to think that this is my brain telling me that this is love, not just some screwed up lust. Because as much as I admit to missing the sex (if only because he really knows what he's doing and it's just not as good without him ooops tmi), it's not the what I miss the most by a long shot. And maybe I'm just being stereotypical associating lust with sex, but I'm really just trying to figure out if my brain's current obsession is normal, weird, or just plain creepy. Maybe I can blame it on the wedding fever brought on by Hannah's wedding. How quickly does wedding fever fade? I'd like to go back to my normal levels of missing Cam, not these crazy elevated levels. Normal levels hurt enough.

[phyzzy]

I'm still not used to Cameron leaving. I feel so incomplete without him here. Like I'm missing half of myself. It hurts so much to have to watch him walk away. Bring him back to me, and make sure I never have to let him go again.

[phyzzy]

I feel really shit today. I'm miserable and listless and I really don't want to go to work later. I just want to curl up and die. I think I'm rotting from the inside out.

[phyzzy]

Leaving Cameron today was so hard. Had a bit of a cry this morning about facing this hell for possibly another five and a half years. He hates the possibility too, but has told me that I'm not allowed to compromise: he keeps telling me that I'll easily get onto a Masters next year and I'm not to give up. The ideal would be for him to get on the doctoral training program with a year at Imperial and three at Sheffield. Then we'd have a year living apart but close followed by three of living together (whether I'm on a PhD or not I fully intend on returning to Sheffield in two years time). But otherwise the second choice (relationship-wise) would be for him to just stay in Sheffield: another full year of long distance, but hopefully followed by living together. Of course this all assumes I get on a Masters. If I don't, I'm moving outright. I'll follow him wherever and will love every second of being back with him. In the mean time, I'm seeing him again in 15 days for my birthday, and we've sketched out trips up to Valentines Day. Mum and Dad have offered for him to move in with us over the summer, so he's going to talk with his parents and hopefully we'll get two or three months in the same house before we start further studies. Oh god, I'm so hopeful for things that may not happen. It's all I have right now. I miss him so much already. But in 15 days, I'll see my soul mate again.

[phyzzy]

I feel so alone.

I have two best friends that I never see, one because he lives 200 miles away and the other because we're both busy with jobs and life in general.

I work myself to exhaustion to avoid thinking about loneliness, and when I don't work I succumb to both it and stress. I keep waking up and wishing I could stay in bed and do nothing, curl up and just let my feelings overwhelm me and just cry until I can't any more.

I have this image in my head that if I just cry it all out then the pain will go away, at least for a while. But I don't have the time and I fear it's just going to get worse until I snap.

I feel I have a great gaping hole in my chest that is only healed when I'm with Cameron or my other friends, and it doesn't happen often enough nor for long enough to do anything more than scab over. It needs to become scar tissue before the pain stops, and it just isn't happening.

Deep breaths, Chloe. You can pull yourself together. You can do it.

Just keep swimming. You'll be with him in two days, and some healing can begin.

Deep breaths.

[phyzzy]

Missing me is making him ill.

I feel so guilty. I know this isn’t my fault, it’s nothing I did, but I can’t help but feel at fault. If only I could have got a job in Sheffield, this could have been avoided. But then I would have given up my dream.

I’m so worried. He’s said that he has absolutely no intention of breaking up with me, which really helps, but I’m worried now less about our immediate future and more our further future. He graduates in the summer and will likely move back with his parents for the summer until starting a PhD or graduate job, and if I get on an MSc then I could be any of four places - four places which he is very unlikely to be. So that’s another year of distance. And then assuming I get on a PhD myself, there’s no guarantee at all that I’ll be at his university, which is another two or three years of distance, depending on him.

I always thought I could handle that. That we could do it.

I’ve realised that there’s no way in hell either of us could deal with that.

This is leading up to a huge talk that I really don’t want to have. Discussing sacrifices, compromises, and where we see ourselves going. And while I’m so hopeful that we can reach a livable compromise, the fact that it isn’t guaranteed is terrifying.

Cameron is the love of my life. I don’t mean to sound melodramatic, but I can’t imagine that there’s another person on the planet who fits so perfectly with me, and who I fit so perfectly with. Everyone who’s met him has told me never to let him go, and I will do anything in my power to never do it.

But I can’t be the only one sacrificing my dreams, and asking someone else to do it too is a big deal.

Oh god.

All I can do is hope.

[easyvirgin-deactivated20160413]

happy Thursday the 20th

[askjennaflorida]

I’d have to wait months or even years for another chance to reblog this, so why the fuck not?

[phyzzy]

7 days...

A week until I see Cam again.

I wish this would get easier. It's still so hard, I miss him every minute of every day, and the distance is so tough for both of us. I still worry that we won't make it, that it'll all just prove too much to bear.

It'd be easier if this had an end, I think. Not knowing how much longer this will last is the worst part. If I knew for certain that this time next year we'd be together again there'd be a light at the end of the tunnel, but because we both have separate paths that we want to follow that may or may not happen, we have no certain future.

It's the not knowing that's the hardest part.

At least I get to see him in seven days' time...

[phyzzy]

Try not to think about today, Chloe. It won't help your feeling of failure. Tomorrow is another day: take some deep breaths, calm down, and try not to catastrophise. Tomorrow is another day.

[phyzzy]

Last night couldn't possibly have gone any worse. I wish I wasn't working tomorrow so I could spend the day in bed pretending I don't exist. I hope Cam can forgive me, but I don't think I can ever forgive myself. I'm sorry for being such a fuck-up.