Pick Back Up
I lived with my cousin and her family after her husband was jailed for his drinking.
I loved it. Finally, I was away from home and I could be myself there. I could wear nail polish, play with makeup, laugh and talk with my sister. All without judgment.
I was happy during the day. We stayed up until 2 or 3am either talking or watching YouTube videos. But deep down, I still had this sadness that grew. I didn't know how to stop it. It had started so many years ago that it became my new normal.
I knew it wasn't. I shouldn't be thinking about killing myself and hurting my body. I talked to my sister and she accepted me without judgment. We laughed and cried and accepted each other.
Soon, I felt the sadness start to go away. I felt happier. I was ready to go for our walks in the afternoons. Then I met a man. I met him in person a week or two after I moved in with my cousin. Suddenly, I didn't feel so alone anymore.
I wasn't ready to let my heart go. But this man persisted. He joked and I laughed. He talked and for once, I listened. I apologized for talking about myself, and he said he liked it.
Soon enough, we met in person. I had never met anyone off of the internet before. I was shaking like a leaf from nervousness. I wore a Static X tee, and he a light blue flannel. We talked for an hour, and I felt free. We talked about coffee and my nervousness and our families. Despite texting a lot prior to meeting, I was so different in person. He was nonchalant and calm; i was laughing nervously at myself and avoiding eye contact.
The second time we met was a few days later. 8/5. We kissed. How soft his lips were. How they felt pressed against mine. His arm around my waist, my hand on his cheek. I knew prior to the kiss that my heart was his. Prior to him asking for me to be his girl, my heart was his. In that instance of pure bliss and ecstasy, I allowed myself to feel something real.
Now, back home, a week later, I miss him. His voice. His lips. His laugh and his smug smile. The way he looked around before kissing me in the park. The way his body pressed against mine. The way he made me forget about all the shit in my life.
Now, here I lay, feeling like I never left. Feeling like I'm picking up where i left off. God, I miss him.
