#pirate redbeard

[themiddlelayer]

This is real

Pirate Redbeard keeps saying that he just can’t believe this is really happening. He can’t stop telling me how amazing and beautiful I am and I don’t doubt any of it for a second. 

Friday night we did the domestic-ish thing picking up my grocery order then coming home and doing dinner. The rest of the weekend was much of the same comfortably ooey-gooey we’ve been having.

I made pancakes for us on Saturday morning and we watched “Garden State” together. We had paused to talk when I got a message that Grey and his wife were in town and wanted to stop by. So, Pirate got to meet some of my friends. It went well, despite Pirate’s initial anxiety. 

We finished “Garden State” and I decided to break down and get a new TV. The one I had was from the guest room at the house up north. It was only 32″ and the sound quality was crap. 

Turns out that Mother’s Day is now a holiday that warrants sales on electronics. I got a 50″ Roku TV for $280 after all was said and done. Pirate set it all up while I made dinner and when we sat down for more “Letterkenny” it felt like the day I got my first pair of glasses. 

Sunday morning we fed Cookie’s cat together then decided to do brunch in the park. COVID dates... We got take-out from a Mexican place then went to the drive thru coffee shop for my latte. 

We pulled up and I was literally sprawled across Pirate’s lap to try to read the menu when a woman with a bucket of carnations approached the car. A local church was giving away Mother’s Day flowers and the coffee shop was giving free drinks to anyone with the flowers. We chuckled about a ‘Jesus flower’ getting me free coffee and Pirate sent his mom a picture of the two of us with the carnation. 

She’s crazy religious... she and Pirate’s father were missionaries in Africa when he was young... and replied with an exclamation about Jesus never leaving her son. That also made us chuckle. 

At the park, the picnic area where we first met was free so we sat there and had brunch. The weather was beautiful and the conversation easy. Another one of those moments I really want to remember. 

Later in the day Sunday, we went to pick up Pirate’s groceries and fill water bottles. I waited in the car and turned just in time to realize that rather than putting the 2 full bottles in a cart, he just had one in each hand as he walked up. I’ll just say it... my boyfriend is sexy as fuck! 

Earlier in the weekend he’d done the dishes. Shirtless. In my apron. I got pictures. Can we say “Swoon!?!” 

Pirate went home Sunday night to have dinner and watch a movie with his son but came back around 8pm and slept over again. When he walked up, he had grocery bags in his hands. I’d asked him about weekday breakfast stuff for when he’s here so he brought a bunch of his microwavable egg cups as well as the black bean burger makings he bought so he could cook for me one night. 

I’d had a moment where I was thinking about how much more I was eating with him and how it might impact my grocery bill. His bringing groceries over was exactly the perfect thing to help ease that concern. The idea of him, like, giving me money for anything feels weird... despite knowing that he makes good money... but when he pulled up an entertainment center and said he’d like to buy it for me it didn’t feel weird at all. 

I also told him to just put his laundry in the basket and that if he was concerned that he could always replenish the quarters. It’s not a financial issue, but more of an issue of balance. We need to keep the life stuff separate for the time being. He’s got stuff there that needs to be handled including getting rid of the ranch one way or another and him finding a rental property where he can still have the dogs. 

This morning when we woke up, Pirate went into the kitchen to make coffee and told me there was a puddle on the kitchen floor. Turned out that the AC had leaked all over the floor. The maintenance guy was quick to respond but I still need to put my tea rack back. 

I’m not sure what the plan is for tonight other than Pirate coming over again during my last hour of work. I think we’re finally learning ‘the dance’ involved in sharing the bed with how fitful we both can be. He was having nightmares again last night so I spent a good amount of time comforting him in his sleep. He doesn’t seem to remember them but some nights he cries out, whimpers and shudders in his sleep. 

I won’t try to deny that he’s got issues... anxiety, PTSD, history of depression and multiple suicide attempts... heavy shit. But for as much as we talk about those kinds of things, I don’t feel like I’m trying to fix him or that I’m playing therapist. I don’t see him as any ‘less than’ for the vulnerability he’s shown. 

Talk about a switching of dynamic came up today because while he’s predominantly a top/D-type, he also likes to bottom sometimes. I’ve never given a proper spanking and only hit Nomad with the flogger a couple times. In the past, his relationships were more D/s based so he couldn’t really switch with his sub. That’s not what this is. I’m his partner, not his sub. 

It’s all pretty damn amazing! We’ve been joking that we were so meant to find each other that even the plague couldn’t stop us from connecting. I don’t feel stupid in love. I feel safe in love. And that’s such an amazing difference! 

[themiddlelayer]

Fate, Soulmate, Universe...

All things that have been peppered in my conversations with Pirate Redbeard these last few days. And it doesn’t feel crazy. I don’t feel out of control or overwhelmed by all of the love and affection. I feel safe. I feel loved. And I still feel solid enough that if somehow it all went sideways I feel like I would survive. It’s pretty fucking amazing! 

Pirate came for dinner Monday after work but didn’t sleep over. We had stuffed peppers, watched some Letterkenny and spent hours just curled up talking. Tuesday he slept over and Wednesday was a planned girl’s night with Cookie. 

Our plan to sort through all of her bins of makeup, hair and skin stuff got set aside when they got the call that Faust’s father was in hospice. I got there and found Rainy rubbing his neck on the couch. Cookie had been handling all of the planning... plane tickets, car rental, hotel room, etc.. and Faust was just sitting on the couch. 

I helped with dinner while Faust make his usual attempts to engage in conversation. He did the ‘protective’ thing about Pirate but ultimately said that he’d heard he was a good guy and as long as he was being honest with me that’s what matters. He admitted to just being jealous because I’m totally closed and there’s no longer a glimmer of hope that he’ll get his hands on me beyond sawing me in half... something which I truly regret agreeing to. 

Pirate got a call back from the health department after reaching out about testing. He went in Tuesday and got his results back yesterday while we were on a fb video call. I’d established that the STI testing was more about trust than potential health concerns given our risk factors and the trust is there. Given the plague and all I was prepared to forgo barriers on Tuesday night but because he got in for testing Tuesday morning we waited for the results. 

Last night was downright amazing. 

Pirate came over during my last hour of work then we went to feed Cookie’s cat. From there we grabbed pizza and came home. Things have already become domestic and comfortable to a degree, which I love... except that we are still in that phase of deep talks and non-stop ooey-gooey. 

The sex was awesome... as it’s been every time, but afterwards we were lying in bed just talking and listening to music. A cover of “Send me an Angel” came on and I thought it was fitting given the things he had been saying to me. To say that it touched him is an understatement. It was just one of those super impactful moments that I want to remember. 

We spent a good portion of the day yesterday talking about music... sharing favorite bands and songs. The things we have in common and the little ways we have been in the same place, same scene... and never met... I get it when he says we were just meant to find each other. 

Learning how to share a bed hasn’t been easy, but it’s been worth it. I slept like crap last night but waking up together again was worth it. 

This morning we fed Cookie’s cat, had cereal and coffee together and took our first picture together before he went home for the day. 

I made it through my work day, so far, and got some actual work done. Pirate will be here for my last hour of “work” then it’s cat feeding, grocery pick up and dinner. I know there are real-life things to discuss if he’s going to be here so much. And that we have to dial that back a bit just for the sake of moderation and because he knows he needs to take some time to get his house in order before I will spend any time there. I’m enjoying this. 

Being happy is exhausting! 

[themiddlelayer]

Pirate Redbeard & the Princess

Cookie came for coffee on Saturday and I told her about my Friday night at Pirate Redbeard’s ranch. She made the joke, “So, are we talking one blue eye, one green eye Practical Magic stuff?” And yeah. We are. 

His ranch was only about 20 minutes away and the road was mostly paved so it was no trouble getting there Friday night after work. He was on the porch waiting for me with salmon on the grill. He greeted me at my car and immediately scooped me up into his arms. 

The salmon he had cooking over the fire was not exactly the kind of salmon I cook. They were little skinless fillets, the kind that probably came frozen. We stood on the porch while they cooked and just talked. He told me about the ranch and the woman who had been staying there to ‘take care of things’ when he initially moved up north with the ex-wife. It was pretty torn up in places, and he acknowledged just how much work it will take for it to get back to what it once was. 

The house itself was pretty awful inside. He had spent a good portion of the day cleaning up and it was still pretty scary. Lots of dust and dirt, and when I walked in, I asked if he still had cats. There was a smell. While we were in the kitchen getting the sweet potatoes on the plate a spider crawled across the kitchen floor and it seemed so fitting that I didn’t even mention it. 

There wasn’t anywhere to really sit and eat, so we went back out to the porch and sat there. A for effort on the domestic front, but... bless his heart. 

The conversation was easy and natural and once we were done eating he did the Dom thing, grabbing me by the wrist and leading me to the bedroom. His bed was pretty awful, too.. but clean. He only had one very thin pillow so once we transitioned from play time to more of the deep, intimate conversations I doubled it up and did what I could to get semi-comfortable. The conversation and connection was that good.

It was well after midnight when I finally got dressed and he messaged his adult son (20 yrs old) to let him know that it was ‘safe’ to come home. We were in the kitchen and Redbeard was filling my water bottle when his son arrived. He opened the door and larger of the two Great Danes came charging right at me. Fortunately, I had time to brace myself for impact. 

One of the things we talked about was the importance of taking care of our own life stuff and not moving too fast. He’s even more recently ‘single’ than I realized and has a lot to work out on the logistical part of that.

I wasn’t shy about making sure he knew that his house was not one I’d be comfortable in without a lot of work... and I’m not being a clean-freak or expecting a remodel or fully landscaped yard but it got really trashed and I made clear that we would be hanging out at my place for the foreseeable future. 

I had to work the monthly Saturday morning at 5am the next day and Cookie came for coffee when I got off work. I shared some of Redbeard’s stories and she realized that she and Faust had been around during some drama with the BabyGirl that Redbeard was involved with a few years ago. It’s a small town. 

We would later realize that when Faust’s slave made plans to do a spanking video that it was Redbeard who was going to be her top and produce the video. It’s a very small community. We are having dinner at Faust and Cookie’s place Saturday night. 

I was really proud of myself for just telling Redbeard that I had coffee plans and that I didn’t immediately jump for my phone when he messaged me midway. Matter of fact, I read his message... “Just wanted to let you know that you are amazing and I can’t wait to see you again.” and didn’t reply until Cookie left. I’m holding my boundaries and keeping our lives separate despite the amazing chemistry. 

Redbeard and I talked about the relationship being one piece and the life stuff being another. They are separate things with their own trajectory. The relationship thing has escalated very quickly, but I don’t feel out of control or stupid. I’m not over-analyzing things or looking for what I might be missing in all of his transparency. I’m not afraid to be happy anymore. 

Redbeard came over later in the afternoon Saturday. We did a water run and picked up wings, then hung out watching Letterkenny. He laughed out loud over and over, a big, goofy, full-bellied laugh that was totally uninhibited and genuine. 

When we did move into the bedroom, it was less play and more deep, intense energy exchange. Lots of that, and lots of great conversation was had until it got late and he asked if he needed to go. I decided that things felt good and I didn’t want the night to end, so he slept over. We both slept really well. 

Sunday morning we got up and I made biscuits and gravy. He’d never had French press coffee, so I made a pot and we enjoyed that on the couch with more Letterkenny and conversation. 

I could dive deep into all of the things we talked about, but the bottom line is that this feels real. Natural. Easy. He was hit by the NRE hard from the gate, but the butterflies didn’t land here until last night. At one point, he told me he loved me, but it wasn’t the kind of ‘I love you’ that is filled with expected reciprocation or anything other than genuinely being unable to describe the feeling with any other words. I didn’t say it back, and that felt good to me too. We could just ‘be’ and appreciate our own feelings in the moment. Simply amazing. 

Redbeard didn’t leave until later Sunday evening after we got dressed, ate the leftover wings and fries and we watched a little more Letterkenny. When I crawled into bed and sent him a pic, I ended the message with “Love you” and I meant it. 

This morning he told me that he had been researching “we” because, as he said over and over all weekend, he wanted to figure out how to always feel like this. His research included “How to stay in love,” How to stay infatuated,” and ‘How to have a great relationship.” It’s such a science-nerd way to approach things and I love it! 

Cookie is coming for coffee this afternoon then Redbeard is coming when I’m off work. I’m cooking stuffed bell peppers and he just told me that he’s excited to tell me about what he learned last night in his research. 

I’m all too aware at how this might look from the outside... There she goes again with another relationship and the inevitable drama that comes from diving in head first. But I feel like this is actually different. I have my head on straight and I’m holding better boundaries... though the barrier boundary may go to the wayside a little fast despite the closed health department. That’s another conversation we’re going to have tonight. He has done nothing but respect my reasons for barrier use and understands that it’s more of a trust thing than a health thing. 

I feel safe. I feel loved. And when he said that he wants to learn all he can about me so that he can love me properly, I know he meant it. 

The fairytale begins: I met my last husband in the middle of the plague... as in the last husband I will ever have. 

And if I’m wrong, well... all I can say is that I’m that much closer to learning how it feels to be properly loved by someone who feels like home. 

As Olive kept saying when I was telling her about it... WHOAH!