looking back
Now that I have gone back and read all of my pregnancy posts, my birth story, and am now thinking about another baby, it's kind of depressing. The first pregnancy had all the potential to be amazing, but because I just let the Dr's take a ride with my insurance money I had so many tests and ultrasounds, and then ended up being induced, which in the beginning was the last thing I wanted.
I remember the very first Dr that I visited I told him flat out that I in no way wanted pitocen. And he said "well we'll have to see how everything goes" and I never went back, But then I ended up getting pumped with it anyway. I was so naive and because I hadn't experienced any of it before, I didn't know what I wanted, or what to expect.
Now that I do know what I want and what to expect I don't really have much choice. I was just reading about Vaginal births after a c-section and it's looking pretty bleak for me. I'm over weight, my c section was due to stalled labor, and I've never had a successful vaginal delivery or even a successful labor. So I doubt a Dr. would even want to give it a try.
I know in the long run that it doesn't matter as long as the baby is fine. and after Zoey was born I didn't care at all about what happened. But I don't want to schedule a c section and just go in for surgery and come out with a baby. I never really got to experience the whole giving birth miracle because I was hooked up to monitors and tubes and being injected with drugs to artificially get things going.
I'd like to experience being at home and feeling small contractions, being excited, and wondering when the baby is coming. I'd like to be able to walk around when I'm in labor, sit up and lean over. get in the tub, take a shower, whatever strikes my fancy at the time. But I already know that wont happen. even IF I can find a Dr. willing to do a vbac it definitely wont be without close monitoring and being tethered to a machine, which also ruins the experience and I might as well just get cut open again and skip all the bullshit of nurses telling me what I have to do and where I have to go and how I have to sit. sigh