Hey, I just read your comment about witch hazel and how you had a c-section. You announced that you were pregnant a little while ago (congratulations again btw) but I'm curious if you plan on another c-section or are going to try VBAC? I ask because my first was a c-setion (bugger was upside down and refused to turn so it was planned) and I VBAC-ed with my second. So I'm curious how other people might make the decision or if it's even available. If this is too personal feel free to ignore!
HI. YES. LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS. I HAVE NO SHAME OR PERSONAL BOUNDARIES WHEN IT COMES TO TALKING ABOUT CHILDBIRTH. :)
Preface: Childbirth used to terrify me. Now on the other side of it, it's absolutely fascinating so I'm going in with eyes wide open on Round 2 and stoked for it.
So first, you need to know the reason I had a c-section to begin with. And honestly, I feel like if I had had a dula and a midwife with me I might not have ended up having one. Maybe.
My water broke at 4:30 AM without any contractions on Thursday, November 15th (2018). I... I am not smart. Nobody, not a single person in any of the classes I had been to had ever said, "Go straight to the fucking hospital if your water breaks, even if you're not in labor." In fact, since then, I have had plenty of people be like, "if you weren't in labor there was no reason to go to the hospital". But that's a different issue altogether. I digress.
I did not go to the hospital immediately because I wasn't in labor. But I called the doctor's office later that morning and they were like, "Wtf is wrong with you go to the fucking hospital" (exaggerated, obv). So I went to the hospital only to find out what I already knew: I was not in labor, not dilated, but water broken.
This is the part where I wish I'd had a dula and a midwife. Within an hour of getting admitted the nurses were like, welp, you're not going into labor on your own, you're not dilating at all, so it's time to induce you. Gotta get the baby out, broken water increases risk for infection.
I kinda wish I'd had someone to push back. I knew nothing about pitocin, had no clue what was about to happen (I mean, I understood it induces labor/dilation/contractions, but that's it). UNFORTUNATELY FOR ME, I ended up with UNCONTROLLABLE ROLLING contractions with no reprieve in between. Normal contractions are about five minutes apart. That's about as close as they ever get naturally. They last about a minute, then you get a breather in between. And usually, pitocin can mimic this, but for some people (e.g. me) no dose will get it right.
If the nurses reduced the pitocin drip, my rate of dilation slowed down drastically. If they turned it back up, I got uncontrollable rolling contractions, but I kept dilating at a rate they approved of. So they opted for uncontrollable rolling contractions versus the former, slower dilation.
Since you had a VBAC, Nonny, you know what contractions feel like. There is no pain on earth I have ever felt that comes remotely close. They're kinda like a really awful IBS bowel movement. But multiply that by like a boogagillion. Now imagine them just one after the other. No time in between. No chance to catch my breath. The pain went up, peaked, came back down, then started right the fuck back up the mountain.
I demanded an epidural after an afternoon of that shit.
Which is fucking stupid because epidurals ALSO slow down labor! They slow down dilation so like, why couldn't they have just left the fucking pitocin a little lower so I could have avoided the epidural and having to push on my fucking back (I wanted to push in a squatting position so I wasn't working against gravity). I didn't end up getting to 10 cm until THE NEXT DAY...
Anyway, I digress again.
The end of the story is that I couldn't push my child out because, as I have known for a very long time, I suck at being a cis woman. If you can't tell, I am still WILDLY pissed about this. My OBGYN tries to tell me that the shape of my daughter's head and the shape of my pelvis were not a match but I was never diagnosed with CPD (small or narrow pelvis).
FAST FORWARD TO TODAY
I met with the same OBGYN a couple weeks ago and she was like we should talk about delivery, what are you thinking considering what happened the first time? And I'm glad she asked that. So that gave me some hope that she'd like, listen to me. And I told her I want to try a VBAC under specific circumstances. Those circumstances are:
1. I go into labor before my water breaks, or, if my water does break before going into labor, we can kickstart labor naturally, no pitocin.
2. No emergencies occur that would actually require a c-section (breach/head up/distress/lack of fluid/etc).
If an emergency does occur or we can't get labor to start properly again, then yeah, it'll be a c-section. I won't deal with the pitocin or the rolling contractions or an epidural that'll just need to be redone with a full spinal block for the c-section. So much shit went so wrong last time (and yeah I use the word "wrong" because I really do feel like none of this shit had to happen this way) and I don't want it to happen again but I don't think just scheduling a c-section is necessary.
I have a lot of trauma/emotion/frustration tied to my first childbirth because I like failed to do the one god damn thing my body was ACTUALLY like built for? I'm not saying my entire existence/purpose is to push a baby out of my vagina, but my cis female body is technically designed for it, and yet, I couldn't fucking do it for like no reason. Not because of any emergency or situation that required it. Just because I couldn't push. My body, a thing I once trusted and believed in and thought was so damn strong, failed me. And I'm still dealing with that.
Hoping for a VBAC is like... I'm worried I'm just setting myself up for disappointment. Even though I know this is what I want to do, I'm struggling to stay positive. I feel like I'm convincing myself of something that's just not gonna happen or was never possible in the first place. March is so far away, ugh.
So that was a lot to say, yeah I wanna do a VBAC and I had the option and spoke with my OBGYN about it. Thank you for asking!
