push it down. push it away. keep going. that was what she learned to do to stay alive when she was younger, it was the only way she could get through the day sometimes. she was still unlearning that mindset with her therapist and it was slow going. there was never another way for her to exist really, because pushing it down was what kept her alive. but now she's not fighting to stay alive, she's fighting to live.
that's what keeps her here in pittsburgh. that's what keeps her going back day after day. the people she helps, the people she sees everyday? they keep her going back. she never thought that she would have something like this because she spent so much time running and keeping people away.
but then there's days like today. where the only thing that seems to keep happening is one tragedy after another. little things, being unable to save patients from their injuries, from their bad situations after treating them, and the worst ones, not being able to save them from themselves. those ones were the hardest. the ones she was never really able to shake off.
she did everything she could, of course she did but sometimes everything you can do is never enough. so when she was able to, she mentioned to dana that she was ducking out for a minute. but she didn't go outside, and for once, she didn't go to the roof. instead, evvie found a quiet room just outside the ed's radar. she was hyperventilating by the time she got there, pulling her sweater off like that will help with the feeling of suffocating.
she wants to scream, and just let it out but she's battling with the side of her that knows it won't end there. so she stands in the middle of the room, pacing and running her hands over her face and through her hair. finally she can't take it anymore and she doubles over, hands over her ears and sobs. but it isn't just like a normal breakdown. no no that would be too easy. everything in the room moved away from her and the lights flickered.
something about it felt good. she looks up, the bed had spun at a fourty-five degree angle, the monitors knocked back, but still standing. she'd leave those alone she doesn't want to have to write a cheque before leaving. instead, everything else gets thrown around, there was a small table in the room that got upended, a chair tossed against the wall before clattering to the floor. and the lights had now blown out. the last thing she sends flying while barely lifting a finger is the cart full of supplies.
that goes towards the door. that was now open. and cassie was standing there. "fuck..." well you're going to have a lot of explaining to do. good luck!
@pittsass // gets 5 bucks
