I don’t feel like dealing with deceit, despair, and death in Winterfell today, so I decide to be greedy and max out my weapon. Gerolt is mad because an old man named Jalzahn has dared to want to come and talk to a fellow professional about weapons. THE AUDACITY! He is an alchemist who wants to study what that mist can do, and if JoJo helps him she’ll get an even stronger spear. Eorzea has so much aether, when I kill things I have a chance of getting a crystal called atma. 12 unique kinds of atma need to be collected. Okay, this doesn’t sound so bad.
CENTRAL SHROUD: Maiden ✅
SOUTHERN THANALAN: Scorpion ✅
UPPER LA NOSCEA: Water-bearer (this mofo took a while)
EAST SHROUD: Goat ✅
EASTERN THANALAN: Bull ✅
MIDDLE LA NOSCEA: Ram ✅
WESTERN THANALAN: Twins ✅
OUTER LA NOSCEA: Lion ✅
LOWER LA NOSCEA: Fish ✅ (so did this one)
NORTH SHROUD: Archer ✅
CENTRAL THANALAN: Scales ✅
WESTERN LA NOSCEA: Crab ✅
GAE BOLG ATMA GET
(It’s not shiny any more, but it does have a green tint to it!)
Jalzahn talks a little more about absorbing the souls of dead enemies. Of course there are particular enemies I need to kill, and the books that will tell me which ones to hunt can be purchased in Revenant’s Toll for tomestones. (The people of Revenant’s Toll are supportive of JoJo, which has me feeling encouraged.) Each book will tell me which baddies, FATES, levequests, and dungeons need to be dealt with. There are nine of them. The game wishes me luck and bids me let my weapon drink deep of the souls of my enemies. Thank you, game. Yare yare dawa.
Book 1: I want to be done so badly I actually dream about the Schism FATE.
Book 2: Aurum Hell time! Where’s that stupid morbol FATE? I sat there and watched half of a hokey Christmas chick flick and these plants refused to spawn. Is this why Mash was trying to warn me away from this step?
Book 3: This one wasn’t so bad. Mash agreed to help me with one of the dungeons.
Book 4: Fucking PC fucking froze as I finally fucking got to the “Bellyful” FATE. Fuck me.
Book 5: Halicarnassus died. Why is the book not recording it? Is it because JoJo died right before Halicarnassus did? Yes it is.
Book 6: This one wasn’t so bad either. Mash agreed to help me again. My hand is getting tired.
Book 7: They’re all beginning to run together. Why did I do this? Would I rather keep doing this, or look at Alphinaud’s stupid face and play another round of “be gone, unbeliever”?
Book 8: I get three commendations for Brayflox’s Longstop, two for Copperhell Mines, and one for the Wanderer’s Palace. Feels good man
Book 9: Got a commendation for Sunken Temple!
Jalzahn says I have an uncommon perseverance. I’d say it’s more perverse stubbornness and self-hatred, but whatever. Gimme! ...he says there are souls within this thing. Oh lawd.
GAE BOLG ANIMUS GET
I don’t think I want the other stages. This is the coolest-looking one if you ask me. And I am tired of this.
Minfilia, who still looks pretty sad, says it’s been 15 years since Winterfell fought beside anybody. She hopes everyone will cooperate more in the future. There is zero enthusiasm for going to eat free food thanks to all the crap we need to deal with and the people we’ve lost. But we pretty much have to go, because unity. Tataru and F’lhaminn might not get anything because they’re out, so the best boss lady can do is leave them a note and wait for them to catch up.
On the way out, Riol notices JoJo is not excited about free food. I take this opportunity to let him know what’s happened to poor Wilred. He tells me a good chunk of our funding comes from that damn Television, and promises to purge everyone who took his filthy money. Call me if you want help with that!
JoJo catches up with everyone at Gerudo Town... and is ordered out, because Momodi needs help. (Thancred tells me to tell her hi.) Momodi just wants to pass on a message: Alianne needs to talk to me. But she never shows. Just a bit of glass and Laurentius the ex-sellout. After he encourages me to just leave, he starts talking to someone I can’t see.
There’s a short cutscene of Nanamo praying to her ancestors’ collective spirit for forgiveness. She did what she could. I don’t think they’ll be mad at her.
JoJo gives Momodi the glass, which is an empty alchemist’s vial. She says I ought to keep it, and I ought to speak to Her Grace. (Maybe she’ll let me hug her. Probably not.)
Everyone who is not me enjoys food and booze. Alphinaud brags about how awesome the future will be, and how “his” Warrior of Light will smack anyone who gives him trouble. Come on, man, I thought we were friends. Please don’t treat me like your personal bodyguard.
The game warns me to get a snack and use the bathroom and whatnot, because now we’re going to get some cutscenes. JoJo goes to speak to the Sultana. She smiles at me! ❤️ Aymeric is smiling at the leaders. Apparently their losses weren’t as bad as he’d expected. He tells the leaders thank you. I think I like grateful Aymeric. When can he thank ME again? Nanamo asks me to support Raubahn after she leaves the throne. I guess I can’t say no to her. She is happy and takes a drink, and then she dies. In pain. Great. Raubahn hears it all the way downstairs. GREAT. If HE hates me I’m in trouble. But the first one in the room is Television. (Convenient!) He pretends to be all upset, and blames JoJo and says to “arrest this viper.” Your mama, Television. JoJo doesn’t even get to protest. WEAK.
Alphinaud gets cornered in a back room, because apparently nearly everybody loyal to him has been trapped, and the backstabbers have also taken control of the Hall of Justice 2.0. Are we gonna get totally screwed in every headquarters we occupy? I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIEND, YUYUHASE.
Everybody else keeps eating until damn Television walks in and tells Aymeric to go home, because the dragons have surprise-attacked. The Man tries to arrest Thancred and uses Lahabread as his reason. Thancred, unlike JoJo, ain’t having it. Television comes and lies on me in front of everybody. Ilberd drags me in and throws me on the floor, and I just take it silently like I’m a useless chick in a bad movie. Television runs his mouth some more. I could SIT on you and end this! We get to watch Raubahn’s heart break... and since Television refuses to quit mocking the poor woman who did nothing to deserve any of this, we also get to watch him get chopped in half. GOOD. Rest in piss, you little gremlin. I’m just disappointed there’s no blood.
His next target is that irritatingly smug Lolorito. Yes please! Oh, no, fake bro Ilberd gets in the way and cuts off his friend’s arm. Bastard sold out and killed Her Grace himself, and he has to rub it in in the worst way. I want to reach through the screen and punch him harder than I did Television! So now the Flame General’s heart breaks and his rage rises for the second time in five minutes. He fights with his other arm, and cuts the bonds on the meat puppet that is JoJo (I don’t claim her any more, if I wanted a character like this I’d play a bad otome game) before asking everybody to GTFO and clear their names. But what about YOU? What will YOU do, General? You’re the one with the righteous rage, and Twelve know we need that!
Thancred shows up and says he’s found a secret tunnel out. Yda and Papalymo get a cutscene in which they are BAMFs as they hold off the crooked soldiers. But then the crooks follow us into the not-so-secret tunnel. Thancred and Y’shtola are also BAMFs as they fight. Y’shtola asks somebody named Mhitra for forgiveness before she finishes a spell that will make the tunnel collapse. Since SOMEBODY has rendered JoJo unable to hear Hydaelyn, Minfilia receives the message and tells her she’s got to stay behind with everyone else getting screwed over. She says a little bit of crap about hope. Minfilia, what good is hope if JoJo has neither allies nor backbone? Every primal fight she’s engaged in only happened because others were there to help her reach said primal.
(Also, at some point there’s a cutscene where Lolorito is walking down a hallway and the lady-in-waiting walks up behind him. She doesn’t speak one word, or make any other moves. Nobody does much of anything.)
JoJo exits the tunnel, and shortly after is found by Alphinaud and a random Lalafell, who suggests everyone get away from the city. A dude with a wagon, the same dude from the beginning of the game, offers them a ride. He says Alisaie did something useful and asked him to give her brother a ride. Alphunaud at least has the maturity to admit he’s totally screwed us all with a sabotender dipped in acid. If JoJo ever is herself again, this friendship is SO over. The random Lalafell takes off his helmet and introduces himself. His name is Pipin, he’s the second most important dude in the Immortal Flames, and he dragged his butt back home just in time to save Alphinaud from the dudes who trapped him. Also, he’s the kid Raubahn adopted, and plans to go help his dad when he’s gotten shut of these two.
Pipin and these two get dropped at Black Brush, where I take cute Miri away from JoJo because right now I don’t feel she deserves anyone that lovable. Come on out, Midgardsormr. Also, fuck you. Pipin attempts to pump up JoJo’s ego, letting her know his father had a lot of good things to say about her. But he admits this is not how he thought they were going to meet. Bruh, me neither! Now Cid shows up. I’m still disappointed in him for not letting the Knight of the Slappable Face get Darwin’d in the World of Darkness, plus the three of us together are giving me flashbacks to that terrible time with the fake inquisitor and Garuda and all the crystals I had to hunt down. Cid has the airship, so Alphinaud says to go to Winterfell, whose government won’t allow foreign forces. What are you now, an exchange student? Goodbye, Pipin. Sorry the universe shat on your dad so badly. He’s a good man who, like his boss, deserved none of this.
Cid drops the two brainiacs off in the snow, and JoJo nods to him before he flies off. Alphinaud wants to speak with Haurchefant. After all the loss and betrayal and bullshit, I’m not interested in someone staring at my tits on top of that, but JoJo quietly nods like she always does. This game is making me want to turn off my computer and go play as a Renegade Shepard. (But I’ll still hug Tali. I have to support my girl. And I’ll still cure the genophage because I love my boy Wrex. Okay, looks like I’ll play a Renegon Shepard.)
