I kinda need some courage from strangers on the internet...
I am studying very far from home, in a country that's not my own and the language spoken here isn't my own (I can speak it almost perfectly but sometimes I have absolutely no clue of what's going on around me). I am feeling lonely, I hate my roomates and I think that they hate me too although I don't know if I am imagining the whole thing or if it's actually happening.
I have been thinking about seeing a therapist for a while now, even before I left home, but I've never been brave enough to actually make an appointment because I am too scared that I'll find out I have issues.
Apparently the university I am studying at has a free therapist on campus but I cannot find the strenght I need to send an email and ask for help.
I don't even know why I am writing this here, I just know that I need to take it out of my head but I don't wanna tell my parents nor my friends about this.
i'm terribly sorry you're in that situation :( first off, try not to overthink or dwell on your relationship with your roommates: odds are, you're reading too much into things, but regardless, it sounds like being with them is emotionally exhausting -- try, if and whenever possible, to invest your time and energy elsewhere! what's your housing situation like going forward? do you have any opportunity to change your living situation come spring?
are you in a country still under covid lockdown? if not, id probably try and get out as much as possible if i were you -- a different setting and a change of pace always helps my mental health; humans need variety! if you are under lockdown, just put as much distance between yourself and them as you can: worry about protecting your own mental health before you concern yourself with your relationships with them. find somewhere to sit or study outside when the weather's alright!
as for the campus therapist, please reach out if you can work up the energy and courage. never be afraid to seek professional help when you need it; treat yourself nicely, be gentle with your mental health, but still prioritize recovering from anything you're going through!
and you have nothing to fear from talking to a therapist!! ive been seeing mental health professionals for a couple years now, and while not every therapist or session with them will help you, there's nothing to lose and everything to gain. any sort of mental health diagnosis you may be worried about getting isn't telling you that you "have issues" -- it's just an identification of why you're struggling or why you're unhappy. if you're diagnosed with anything at all, don't internalize it as "something wrong with you" -- mental illness is not a character flaw!!!!
in my humble opinion, getting a diagnosis may genuinely be a best-case scenario. if you and a mental health professional can identify the problem you're having, that's the first step to improving your situation and your mental health!!!
all in all, please take care of yourself <3 there's absolutely nothing wrong with you, so be kind to yourself and do what's best for you.
of course, there's no reason you necessarily have to heed my advice: like you said, im just another stranger on the internet, but i do really, genuinely care about you and care about you feeling better :)